New toy, Fellowship & Solution

 This is the Wendy, so named after my friend who put her girliness aside and used the nasty outhouse at the Sober Float campground but expressed gratitude when someone allowed her to use the potty in his camper. Some of the places we camp are isolated with only outhouse's available, in searching for a camper one of the must was a working toilet, not just for Wendy but for everyone, yours truly included.

 If you look at the picture above and this one, you will notice a shower curtain. The bathroom has a hand held shower, so you can wrap the curtain around the bathroom and take shower to wash the dirty and grime off. I have never been in a small camper before and didn't know what the shower if any would be like. I can assure you this will come in hand.

 This is the couch and also Angle claimed it as her bed, it is wide enough for 1 person to sleep comfortabily enough on. The bit on the top folds down to make a bunk bed, if I still have the camper in years to come, Angel or Carter can sleep up there. Kitchen has a 3 burner stove/oven, double sink, there is a little fold up extension counter as well. I wasn't able to get the frig to work, I will have to check out circuit breakers and fuses. It may work off of propane but I need to replace the bottles first to check that out.

 Table folds down and cushions pull out to make a bed, big enough for 2 smaller people and just right for me. Table will come in handy for playing cards or just hanging out around/meetings, if the weather turns nasty, plus place to put food on for meals.

1980 camper, 19ft long, bought it for $1700.00. The AC works, I need to pull the awning out in the next few days to check it out, it has been too windy here to do it yet, the awning itself is worth $350.00. I bought this from a guy who was selling it for another guy as part of an estate settlement. The camper has been in a shed most of it's life, so the outside is in good condition for it's age. The propane tanks are old and need up dated, because of this I wasn't able to check out the furnace, hot water heater, stove or frig on gas. I am trusting they work because the camper was owned by an older couple and they took good care of it from what I can tell, plus I trust the farmer who sold it to me, yes blind trust. I was shocked to find an owners manual with it. I know enough about gas systems to clean and fix most problems I may have, thank you Dad. New tanks are only $20.00 and a connecting hose is $10.00. Tires will need replaced before we venue too far from home, remember I travel a lot in rural Nebraska where most of the towns are small and finding a place to fix a flat after 5:30pm is almost impossible, plus on some stretches it is 20 miles or more between towns, trailer tires are less expensive than car tires, so this isn't a big expense. I will also replace the curtains and rods, couple of the curtains were stained, tried to wash but that didn't work. Mich and J suggested new cushion covers since the current ones are a green pattern, older and less attractive pattern, not sure on this one, depends on cost, think the couch will just get a throw blanket on it. Used campers for less than $2000 are hard to come by, the ones I found on Craigslist were being snatched up within a couple of days of being posted. I wasn't able to find any close to home, I found this one in a town 125 miles away, closer to Lincoln, took off work Tuesday to check it out. Since I had the funds available I was rather obsessed with buying a camper now plus the closer to spring the hard to find and the more people would be wanting for them.

The 4 guys who traveled with me Saturday to pick it up are all part of our Happy Campers camping group. We had a good time visiting, talking recovery and thoughts on summer camping outings. J and I at least will start doing some scouting trips on Sundays to check out various camping areas, places that offer enough privacy for campfire meetings plus have things to do like swimming, hiking or canoe-ing, I found inflatable canoes on Amazon for a reasonable price so will get one about May. The nice thing about our group is not only do we enjoy fellowship we are also living in the solution via working the steps, regular meeting attendance and working with others. We have some new people who want to go camping with us this years which is great.

Awe yes living in the solution! I have been going over to my backup sponsors house on Tuesday afternoons. We are listening to the Joe and Charlie Big Book discussion, which basically is about taking the steps. I feel it is healthy for me to review steps and even take a new 4th and 5th steps. Working with C and listening to the tapes are giving me new perspectives on the Big Book, steps and recovery in general. My sponsor is a wonderful man and we went through the steps rather thoroughly, I have changed in recovery, the person I was when I was new is different than the one I am today. C and I have more in common in a lot of ways than my sponsor, so working the steps with her allows me to work through some of my challenges more closely with someone who has been there, my sponsor likes this idea, so I am not back dooring him. Yes C is a woman, mid 60's, she has gone through some of the same spiritual challenges I have, faced the same social challenges, a veteran, she has 35 years sobriety and experience to share with me and others.

One of the things we have been talking about is, fellowship verses solution. She feels sometimes there is too much emphasis placed on fellowship; dances, potluck speaker meetings, camp-outs and social events and not enough on working the steps. It is through working the steps that a spiritual awakening happens. I am a person who promotes social functions so I had to sit back and think about my prospectives on this. The group of people I hang out with attend social events but we also work the steps, use sponsors and are active in the groups we attend via helping the newcomer. I forget that others who promote social events don't always do this, so the newcomer gets the wrong message. What this brought home to me was, when I share about social events I also need to place equal emphasis on working the steps and the solution which is to find a God of ones own understanding via the steps which will remove the compulsion to drink on a daily bases.

Fellowship saved my ass the first time around, getting sober on a remote Air Force base in South Korea it was essential to be with others in recovery. The guys who helped me get sober showed me how to live without alcohol and how to basically work the steps. Later on I really didn't work the steps I just went to meetings, I went for more of a social club and not as a place for spiritual growth. In doing this I believe this created the breakdown which enable me to pick up the first drink. I have said it before I never really worked the 11th step and needed to do another 4th and 5th about my marriage. I never sat down and got totally honest with another or myself about what was going on in my marriage. I don't regret this, I am just acknowledging a flaw which lead up to picking up a drink. The desire for a drink came back, I was under pressure, I didn't have a strong enough relationship with my Higher Power, a relationship that would have stood between me and the first drink. My relapse experience has shown me how I need to continue spiritual growth.

I do a 10th step all day long and at night laying in my bed, I think about what I have done wrong and seek the awareness and strength of character not to repeat the same mistakes. I still make a load of mistakes but the awareness or God conscience grows stronger so I tend not to make them as bad, have mental reminders to keep my big mouth shut when I want to assinate someones character.

A few factors come into my wanting to rework the steps, go through the Big Book again with another person. One is the relationships I have had in recovery, mainly with T last summer and with my sister in recovery, C and I have talked a bit about both already. Another is because of the hours I work, I really don't have a good opportunity to work with others, working with others really keeps me out of my head, keeps me focused on the solution and in strong contact with people in recovery. The 1 or 2 meeting I attend each week are good but they are not enough. By seeing C each week I am getting a good dose of the medicine which helps keep me sober and sane. I need to hear what others have to say about my actions and thought, I need their input for personal reflection, reflection which allows change to happen.

So this is my current ramble. I need to take a shower, do a bit of things around the house prior to work. The new job opportunity which seem so promising fell through at the last moment, it hurt but I dusted my butt off, got back on the horse, started doing the footwork again to apply for a couple of job openings which I am qualified for. For now I am good with what I am doing, the money is good via the overtime. Nothing is permanent, some day I will have a different job, just not today.

Peace Love Light
Scott  

A Post for Sarah

Someone in Michigan brought it to my attention I haven't written in 5 days and they were checking up on me, it is nice to know even though you all may not comment, you check on me!! So to my dear friend in Michigan, things are going well, please read on.

The campout was alright but rainy. Friday night we received rain around midnight, N slept with her 9 year old and they had a small leak, her 14 year old and his friend slept in the big tent with me and we were fine, her 12 year old slept in another tent and was dry, the other 14 year her daughter pulled a bad one and went and slept on the floor of the cabin with our other friends, N was mad about this and I explained to daughter why mom was made, that we were camping as a family and mom wanted us to be together at the campsite, that we hadn't paid for her to sleep in the cabin and that it made mom look bad in the sense that mom felt the others might think she was taking advantage of them, of course they didn't but we all know that we feel this way when our kids do stuff like this. Saturday we just hung out, pretty much relaxing then most of us took a road trip, N stayed at the cabin to rest and the kids went swimming. All of us went into South Dakota, let me tell you something about South Dakota sign postings, you better buy a map if you go, the Nebraska map covers SD but not enough, we never got that far way from the border but signs telling us the names of towns south into NE were not to be found, finally after a few errors and one stop for directions we made it back. The late afternoon yielded more rain as did the evening, the firewood got soaked, next time no matter how sunny we have to cover the firewood in case of down pours. N's tent got more rain, her pillows and blanket were soaked, so N and her 2 kids and I slept in my station wagon, folded the back seat down so the kids could lay out, used my extra blankets and pillow, oh yeah it was pouring and windy come bedtime and also fairly chilly, N slept on the passenger side and I on the drivers side, managed to sleep but not the greatest. Of course Sunday was a nice day but we had to leave by noon for the 4-1/2 drive home. This is the chance you take when you camp, if N and I are together next spring we are going to buy a pop-up camper, we all had a good time, we were in nature, I did do some walking mediation, a couple of times to just clear my mind because there were a couple of people with us who irritate me, I love them and didn't want to let their personalities interfere with my serenity so I put the solution into action walked off and mediated. It was also a weekend where I bonded more with the 9 and 12 year olds, the 12 year old doesn't live with N but we see her every few weeks. I am becoming a positive male role model in the 9 year olds life, he respects and loves me even when I correct him, just the same way he does his mother, N is alright with what I do and backs me up, I correct him in a strong loving way, explaining to him the best I can why his mom and I don't like what he is doing or won't let him have his way.

More about N then will move on. When we got back I stayed around N's house until 8:30pm, it wasn't my intention but just happened because after unpacking N took a shower without telling me, she assumed I would just be staying around for awhile, which is cool in one way because she expects me to just be there but in another she needs to communicate with me in case I have other plans, something I will talk to her about Friday. By N taking a shower it opened the door for the 14 year old daughter (K) to have a heart to heart with me, like her brother she is bonding with me and sees me as someone she can trust. We talked about her problems with her mom and what she feels is wrong at home. Communication seems to be the biggest problem, they both need to learn to communicate better, both of them seem shocked when I told each of them in private that they were a lot alike, both need to know the complete details, neither likes shades of gray, N needs to explain her expectations better or if the chore doesn't get done to her expectations explain the expectation at that time so K understands for the next time then if K still doesn't do it right then K has a consequence for her action, both N and K were fine with this. N needs to let the kids know when things seem overwhelming to her, instead of snaping at them because she is frustrated. Another area they have in common is both of them have a lot of fear, fear of being hurt, fear of letting others in, fear of feeling the feelings, stuffing and hiding their emotions instead of taking an honest look at them and sharing them with another. My feedback comes from my experiences, I was drinking when Mich was in her early teens, I understand my mistakes and don't want N to repeat them, I explained this to K as well. I am honored that N and K both trust me enough to let me inside them as much as they do, N respects my feedback and so does K. I am honored that N has let me be a part of her kids lives, I am not trying to be a father to her kids even though with the exception of the daughter who doesn't live with N the kids father is pretty much absent, other than to stir stuff up on occasion but he lives 1000 miles away thankfully so this doesn't happen very often, I am their mom's best friend, her companion, I am someone who mom trust and respects so in turn the kids via spending a lot of time with me have gained the same trust and respect, mom and I both live by the spiritual principles of recovery and it shows, we both watch our profanity, we leave sexual comments out of our vocabulary, we both agree on what is proper and what is improper for the kids to watch and listen to, N is really starting to take a strong stance against violence, whether it be toys or movies, we openly talk about God, we involve the kids on our recovery. The one thing that is missing is between N and me and that is we aren't as open about this relationship as we should be, I feel both of us fear hurting the other or losing the other. Speaking for myself, I am just riding this out for now. I am trying my best to walk in her moccasin's, she has 4 kids to think about, she has been hurt way too many times in the past, we live 140 miles away from each other, she has enough going on in her life without commiting to a relationship, on the other side is she knows she can trust me, she respects me, she knows I love her and the kids, we are very much a part of each others lives down to her having a friendship with and looking in on my mom on occasion and being a part of Mich and Angel's lives, what we have with each other is safe for her in it's present state, she accepts my affection and returns it the best she can, when we are together she can be herself, she knows she can fall asleep in the car and I don't care, in fact it is a joke with us, she let another guy driver her car part of the way back just so she could ride with me in comfort and get a nap. We have plans to spend time together over the next few weeks so nothing has changed as of right now. I do get frustrated because I want a bit of intimacy but I have to let go and let God, thanks again Steve E, God is stearing this relationship and I want to see it through to the very end. If the end amounts to not, which I hope it doesn't but that is a real possiblity, then I have learn a great deal about being in a relationship. I want the intimacy to come naturally from her and not have her do something because she feels she owes it to me, I want the deep love to be mutual and lasting if it is to be, I want what is best for N and her kids and not what is best for just Scott, all this takes time and I need to remember this, I need to remember that the relationships I rushed into ended in ruin, how many times have I said I want to really get to know someone before I rush into to something, boy are those words really sinking in now because at the times I have said them I meant them but hadn't experienced the true meaning of them and now I am and it isn't as easy to live them as say them. I thank my blogger friends who are going through the break ups of relationships, I feel for you, love you all and hope the best for you but also you are teaching me something, you are teaching what might have been if N wasn't so careful, your blogs could easily be mine or N's in the future if we were to rush into this, you have helped me understand her a great deal and respect her decisions, I am such a babe to relationships that I don't understand the full implications but you have shown me how my own selfish desires could damage another although unintentional because the last thing I want to do is hurt N or the kids, you have given me the strength to look at things from her perspective since she has been hurt too many times in the past and wants to make sure our relationship is right before she takes it to the next level. I have been granted acceptance when I choice to sit long enough to see it, when I sit and see the suffering for the desire it really is and know the desire is cutting off my serenity and the sunlight of the Spirit. Wow I really didn't plan to write all this about what is going on but I must have needed to. I have talked to my sponsor and others about this and it all comes back to trust God and things will work out the way they are suppose to, learn from this whether it turns out the way you want it to or not.

Now about the job. I am blessed with my job!!! Still not getting a full 40 hours but will be in a few weeks, the next 2 weeks I am working 4 days, up till now I have only worked 3 days but that is understandable because they need to make sure I am right for the job before they allow me to have that much impact on the treatment of the clients. I have received positive feedback from my supervisor and my peers, I interact with the clients really well and give my imput in the training sessions. There are only a small few of the Tech's who are in recovery. The other night I was talking to a Tech who isn't in recovery and he told me that the recovery Tech's can relate to the clients better on a lot of things and help the clients see things what the non recovery Tech's can't, he encouraged me to continue to give the clients the feedback and assistance that I have been doing. It was nice Monday to work with a Tech who is in recovery and see how she gives feedback, she did it in a way that the clients knew what she was talking about without bring too much of her own story into it. Did tell a few clients a bit of my story because it was pertinant to what they were discussing, I did this to help them understand the bigger picture of how this disease effects our lives. I have also talked to a few clients about meetings and suggested some meetings to them if they can get a ride. I am giving one woman the phone number of a friend of mine tonight who said she would take her to a Friday night meeting that is really good. A few clients have warmed up to me, I understand lack of trust so if someone is just cordial to me I respect that. I remember when I was in treatment there were certain Tech's I trusted more than other. My shifts are mainly the 3:00pm to 11:00pm shift which I really love, this gives me plenty of time to prepare for the day and do things that need to be done. I have never been a morning person even though I have had to be at work by 8:00am for the last 15 years I still hate getting up and usually rush around and take a couple of minutes for prayer, now I don't have to do this.

Well I hope this has fulfilled the needs of anyone wonder what has been going on with me and what is going on inside my head. Oh yeah still going to meetings, opened myself up to service work at the intergroup level last night. Building my relationship with people in recovery here in Lincoln. Stopped at the central office yesterday to get a Alateen book for K, no Alateen in Kearney nor recovery book store, she really likes AA meetings but N and I feel she needs to try and identify with Alateen if possible, so I bought her some reading material, if she likes it cool if not then it was still worth the try. I continue to live in the solution, to live the 12 steps, not to do this would mean ruin for me and those around me, one can of beer effects more than just Scott.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Thank's Again St. Francis

Well my old friend St. Francis has helped me out again. It was via the Prayer of St. Francis that I started my journey down the Dharma path, see my blog post from July 30Th 2008, it was also published in the April 2009 issue of the Grapevine under the title "Finding My Way".
Tonight I chaired the 7:00pm meeting at the mental health hospital, we were able to finish by 7:45 since there were only a few there, then I headed south to the county jail to co-chair a meeting there. We have a slight shortage of people willing to commit to doing service work at these essential institutions, but we are working on it, had one older member show up again at the hospital to help tonight, God bless her. While I was waiting for my partner to show up I opened the 12 and 12 and read the Prayer of St. Francis to help quiet the committee that is trying to keep me obsessed, they are getting quieter but I am having to do a lot of mediation and focusing on the moment to get them to shut the "F" up, another opportunity to work on me some more. After reading this wonderful prayer I had an epiphany! Below is the prayer

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace;
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.
Amen.

I read the prayer to work on "me" in dealing with the craving for a compassionate relationship, it has been 13 years since I have been in one so sometimes the loneliness creeps in especially when I meet an attractive woman who seems interested, I ain't dead yet so there is still time, plus it will happen when it is meant to happen, if I force anything I will foul it up big time. The prayer did what it was meant to do, got me out myself but not in the way I planned it because of the epiphany. The Epiphany was how well the prayer goes with service work in places like mental hospitals, jails and treatment centers. I broke each line down, each line relates to an aspect of getting out of "me" and giving to someone who is a bad situation. The words; hatred, wrong, discord and error all relate to the inmates in jail and tell me what I can do for them as a recovering alcoholic who practices the 12 steps and spiritual principles in his life daily and was once in their rubber slip on shoes and orange jump suit. Doubt, despair, shadows and sadness refer to the mental health hospital patients where once again we need to carry the message loving kindness, peace and joy, we need to have our soul light shine on their shadow, I first came through the doors of AA with stitches in my wrist from despair. Above all else we need to give them HOPE, hope that this can be their last visit to these places if they are willing try something different, hope that there is a wonderful life to be lived free from the bondage of active alcoholism and addiction. All the negative words can apply to both inmates and patients plus people going through treatment for alcoholism or addiction. We go in these places to provide what comfort we can, we don't piss and moan about "our day" wanting them to give us comfort while we sit on our pity pot. We open our hearts to empathy, accepting why they are there, yes we share are experience, strength and hope which is a form of trying to be understood but we share from the spiritual language of the heart and don't go all tent revival preacher on them. We give them unconditional love, we love them for who they are and we ask for nothing in return, they don't have to love us back or even like us, we don't care, we are providing a service and love from a power greater than ourselves. We forget about ourselves and our troubles, we forgiven them of their short comings just as we are forgiven of ours, we understand the power of shame, guilt, fear and anger because in active alcoholism and addiction they once ruled us and we share with them a way out from under it even if only for a few minutes. We try and plant a few seeds knowing that some may take years to germinate if they ever do. We who have died metaphorically from being beaten down by active alcoholism and addiction, now have been given the gift of Awakening through our spiritual experiences as a result of the 12 steps and continued practices.
This is what St. Francis and his prayer showed me tonight. I am sure on another night under different conditions and suffering it will reveal something else.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

My job, My plans for future

As the busy season at work is dwindling down my afternoons are becoming longer with less to do, so I find myself thinking of things to write about. I am a buyer for a small manufacturing company, our business is Ag related so our busy season starts around September and ends in June, my primary purpose the afternoons is to answer questions or contact people for the answer to those questions, once in a while there is odd emergency order that needs to be place but for the most part not a lot happens. I don’t hate my job or the company I work for, they have been good to me over the years, they were big enablers in the later days of my active alcoholism and have defiantly support my recovery, they have let me take time off when I had stuff going on with my daughter, they provide a comfortable living and are easy to get a long with.

I have been reading some different blog’s lately and notice a common thread and that is not being truly happy in their jobs. This is something I can relate to and for the same reason, people and their attitudes and actions. For me what has happen is the long I stay sober and the more my spirituality grows the less I can justify working with people who’s words and actions go against my spiritual principles. Every morning I have to have a little time for pray and mediation because as soon as I walk into my office I am surrounded by negative energy. My boss has bent over backwards for me over the 10 years that we have work in the same office together but he is a very negative and pessimistic person. I will not and can not repeat his words of profanity and vulgarity, the demeaning way he talks about salesmen, engineers and others who don’t see things his way, yes he is selfish and centered to the max, he is also a sexist and racist. A couple of people in production are the type who are never wrong, everything they do is bigger and better, everything wrong that happens is someone else’s fault, anyone who makes a mistake that effects then is a idiot (that is a mild term) one of these guys works outside my door so I hear him quite a bit and the other comes into my office at break or for no other reason than just to BS with the boss. The rest of the employees are decent with the garden variety personalities. I have been in the manufacturing profession for 16 years with only one previous employer. The headaches of sales order ship dates not matching component lead times, the greedy emphasis on monthly ship goals, inventory errors, vendor errors, the fighting and back stabbing between departments has taken me to a point where I am ready to make a career change and one into a totally different direction. I am grateful for the spiritual opportunities I have received because of my mental conflicts at work. Because of my boss, I have learned to mediate at my desk or step outside and mediate, I have learned to hear and see nature on my trips outside, he has helped me to control my own foul month and work on Right Speech more strongly, to more closely evaluate my morals and ethics and work hard on correcting the errors in them, he has taught me to sit silently and not get caught up in the game, he has given me more opportunities to practice living the 12 steps of recovery and Buddhism than he will ever know. The 2 co-workers have taught me to think more about interdependence and radical acceptance so that I don’t start to mentally slaughter them with the double edged sword in my mind. I have learned to accept where I work and I am in no huge hurry to leave, I am not a huge risk taker and think things completely through before I make a huge life change, today’s economy isn’t safe enough to not think ahead.

One of the paths on the Eightfold Path is Right Livelihood. The worst thing that can be said bout my company when it comes to the effect it has on the environment, society and the world as a whole is that the product we makes assist in the application of harmful chemicals that are applied on crop fields. You will find negative and spiritually unhealthy people in most jobs, unless you work totally alone and then sometimes you are stuck with a negative and sick person too, so the personalities are not a big deal in Right Livelihood. I have stayed in this part of rural Nebraska for my daughter and parents. This is a great area for raising a child on your own even if that child gets into trouble it would have been worse in a larger city. My parents are elderly and my dad transcended last November, I have done what I could to assist them over the years. Now that dad is gone my mother is doing alright because she doesn’t have the extra burden of having to care for dad. Also my oldest sister said she would start assisting mom more. My daughter graduates from high school on the 17th of May and by the end of summer she will be out on her own completely, her plans are to move to Denver and attend massage therapy college, as much as I hate to see her and my grandbaby move that far away it is time she starts her own path in life with all the ups and downs. If she does go to Denver she will have to learn to take care of her own problems because dad won’t be handy to bail her out or fix something which will be good for me also. I have no interest or reason to move to Denver. At one time in my life I liked big cities but over the last few years I have become more and more Countrified, I like the slower pace, I like my open fields. My intensions are to move to Lincoln; Lincoln is bigger than where I live now, with ethnic restaurants, specialty shops, a bohemian community, a Zen temple, lots of AA meetings and a strong recovery community in general. I have quite a few friends down there so the transition won’t be too hard, plus I am fairly familiar with Lincoln. Job wise I want to use my talents for speech, insightfulness, positive attitude, experience as a recovered alky, to a practicing alky whose actions cause his daughter to become a ward of the state and more, to a recovered alky again whose life outstanding and whose daughter life is extremely better also. Lincoln has a lot of halfway house and group homes; there are also a few treatment centers there also. I do not want to be a counselor, I have seen too many recovered alcoholics and addicts go into counseling and suffer from burnout because they spent too much time working on others and stopped taking care of themselves. I just want to be around to assist where I can and give something back whether it be with new people in recovery or troubled kids, to me this is the proper use of the Dharma and 12 steps.

So that is my spiel about my job and what I hope to achieve in the future. First off I need to make some minor repairs to my house so can put it on the market for sale, once that is done I can use the money live on while I find a job in Lincoln and a place to live.

Active Alcoholism Sucks!!!

Double banger from me today just to get things out of my system and besides work is dead so it is either write a blog post or read stuff from the net, or maybe get PO’d as the pc cheats me in Hearts. Something I failed to mention about my anxiety yesterday is that part of addressing it was writing about it yesterday and also telling a couple of people what was going down, thus not trapping the feelings inside.

You know I really hate alcoholism. I hate what alcohol does to the alcoholic and those involved in the alcoholics life. I know as a Buddhist I am not suppose to hate and most of the time I can abide by the suggestion but in the case of alcoholism there is no disliking about my feelings especially when I see first hand the destruction it causes.

A friend of mine relapsed again. She has had periods of sobriety off and on for 10 years, with the longest stretch being 4 years. Each time she has gone out she has been worse than before, alcoholism is a progressive disease. She crashed last November, lost her good paying job, got busted for DUI, lost her living accommodations and was pretty much a mess. Her sponsor (AA mentor/teacher) let her move in with her, was taking her through the 12 steps of recovery, they were up to step 9. She was getting involved in service work, making at least one meeting a day, hanging out with people in recovery and for the most part doing really well as far as anyone could tell. My friend has a couple of degrees, very intelligent and semi-intellectual, she got a job working at H&R Block for the tax season so come April 15th she was out of a job and couldn’t fine another one due to her past history of alcohol effecting her performance. She has twins who are in the custody of their father a non-alcoholic, the boy is in a group home due to mental issues and discipline troubles and she has a sex parent who lives in another town who she was not suppose to be seeing since he uses alcohol and drugs not to mention that relationships are not advise when you are new in recovery because of messed up emotions and perceptions. None of these things to me are an excuse to drink, a lot of people have these things going on in their lives and don’t pick up a drink or drug to drown the feelings. Over and over again we talk about thinking the drink through, how one drink starts a chain of reactions that lead to destruction, my friend knew all this. She understood the hopelessness of alcoholism, she understood the compulsive nature of alcoholism and how powerful that compulsion is, she had a cell phone full of phone numbers for AA members, she lived with a woman who has been sober 33 years and is still active in recovery, she wasn’t strong spiritually but was getting there, she knew about every tool in the tool kit of recovery, yet she drank again. She is now detoxing, she is now homeless, she is penniless and at the mercy of others, she is a chronic alcoholic who has seen others die from alcoholism yet is sitting on deaths doorstep herself. Not only did she hurt her self she hurt her kids, her family, her sponsor and her friends in recovery, alcoholism much like suicide is a sick selfish and self centered act.

The book Alcoholics Anonymous calls alcohol “cunning, baffling and powerful” and it is. I have seen what happened to my friend happen to others too many times, either with alcohol or drugs and it still blows my mind. How can people lose so much from the poison they are putting in their bodies, knowing they will lose even more the next time they pick up or use and yet do it again and again and again. For some the only bottom is death, I hope this doesn’t happen to my friend, I will always be there for her and so will others. No one really knows what will happen to her now. She has been to rehab at least 3 times and most rehabs won’t take people at short notice. She needs to go to a long term rehab that is more regulated and harsher than the 30 day stay rehabs, but his is just human speculation on my part and those of others. She has chosen her path by her actions and inactions now she must pay the price, karma is what karma is.

It makes me sad that she has picked up again and for what may happen to her. It makes me realize how blessed I truly am to have had the compulsion lifted from me on December 1st 2006. That I have been blessed with the gifts I have, with finding a spiritual path and I am willing to follow it. I am blessed that I am fairly honest about what is going on in my life and let others in, I think my friend was holding too much stuff inside and not letting go of past resentments. Yeah I still think about a drink now and then, but I think it through, that cold six pack leads me back to jail, ruins the beautiful relationship I have with my daughter and granddaughter, it ruins the relationship I have with my mom and my family, it will cause me to be unemployed and homeless, it will ruin the regained trust of old friends and my new ones in recovery. We in recovery always welcome someone back after they have fallen but the fear is they may not make it back in the rooms. I was one of the lucky ones I made it back after 10 years of heavy research but some don’t once again I am blessed. But really all any of us have is this 24 hours we are living in and we need to make the best of it, we need to stay spiritually, mentally and physically fit every minute of those 24 hours.

Blessings be on those have gone back out to live the life of active alcoholism and drug addict.

10 Honest Things about Me

Monica at http://nebuddhist.blogspot.com/ posted her 10 honest things so I am passing it on, some of this I have been thinking about posting anyway so now is a good opportunity to get them out on cyber paper.

10 Honest Things about me

1) I smoke way too much, drink too much coffee and eat too much meat and not enough fruits and vegetables, oh yeah I am addicted to salt, no wonder I am on high blood pressure medicine.
2) I have a hard time with childish behavior, in fact childish behavior in others pisses me off, I can’t stomach stupid comedies, belching or flatulence out loud and joked about, giggling at sexually innuendo’s, childish sexual remarks in general.
3) I hate profanity or vulgar language used for the sake of just saying “bad words” I can swear with the best of them but when I swear it is in context or to make a point that otherwise couldn’t be made, I suppose this is hypocritical thinking but that’s me.
4) In response to #’s 2 and 3, I take myself too damn seriously and have to keep in mind rule #62 “Don’t take yourself too damn Seriously!!” work on it, work on it, work on it.
5) I have been given the gift of insight but am learning when to share it and when to not, daily awareness through Dharma practice.
6) Sometimes I want to smack people upside the head with a reality stick but know they have to live in their own ignorance and suffering, just hope which they would hurry up and wake up so they can live in inner peace.
7) I have an ego problem, my self centeredness causes me to take others inventories too often, working on this but it is slow progress
8) I love animals and am in harmony with them sometimes more so than humans
9) I am quite comfortable being alone but know I can’t isolate, isolation is dangerous for this ex drunk, I need to interact with people on a regular bases, 1 it keeps my ego in check, 2 when I am with others in recovery it reminds me of where I came from, 3 it provides reassurance that my path even though it may be the one less traveled is best path for me to travel on.
10) I still have a hard time with compassion and interdependence towards all, my sick human side still wants revenge against people I consider evil doers, still can’t be 100% pacifistic, I have to constantly tell my self when I am judging others by their appearance, attitudes, social stanches that we are all One dependent upon each other, that we are connected by the air we breath, our chemical make up and our need for love and security. A am working on overcoming my intolerance of Fundamentalist religions, especially the Christians whose loud mouths are covered 24/7 by the media and who have infiltrated society even in places that use to be completely non-bias.
11) O.k. I added one, I don’t know how to flirt and can’t tell the difference between flirting and just simple friendship and basic kindness from someone of the opposite sex especially if I am a bit attracted to them, try as I might to not care about finding a companion I still try to figure things out, when a pretty lady is giving me a bit of her attention, this is a damn hard one to overcome/mature/learn about.

I have some work to do but I try and chip away at the defects of character as best I can, some days I am sick and love to roll in the manure of my sick judgmental behaviors but most of the time my conscience/awareness stops me before I get carried away. Every morning I take a few minutes for prayer and calm mediation, I give thanks for still being sober and alive, I seek awareness of my selfish nature and the ability to counter it using the Eight Fold Path, several times a day I step outside and listen intensely to the sounds of nature, animals and the wind. Be doing these things I stay fairly calm and get excited about life’s happenings and others defects less often.
The above list seems to be mostly about the negative so here is a short positive list; when asked I help others out if at all possible, answer the phone no matter what time it is, I give back to recovery what was freely given to me, I stay positive most of the time and smile, I am friendly without having to think about it, my granddaughter thinks I am the greatest and my daughter loves and respects me again, it is becoming easier to practice being humble and I keep my mouth shut more often, I am on longer a social burden. I don’t gossip and what is said to me stays with me, except is in recovery I seek the advise sometimes from trusted older members.

Parroting Catchphrases, Polly Want Sobriety

Our society loves catchphrases, those cutesy little sayings from commercials or entertainers that for a brief time a large part of the popular are repeating over and over again until they fade away and are replaced by the next brain dead phrase of the moment. Initially some of these phrases have genuinely good meanings but over time they become trivialized and meaningless, spiritual and social awareness phrases and symbols come to mind. Sometimes I feel the same thing has happened with AA slogans, Big Book quotes and AA catchphrases. We sit in meetings and hear these phrases over and over again but when they are said is the person saying them really understanding the implications of what they are saying. I have been guilt of doing just what I am concerned about until I stopped and really thought about it, also I talked with my sponsor and a couple other wise ones in recovery and realized that the phrases need to be used properly with the proper action talked about or explained for the benefit of the newcomer and some phrase really need to be removed from the AA lexicon altogether.

“Fake it till you make it” if one is faking something then they are being dishonest. Bill tells us repeatedly in the Big Book and 12 and 12 about being honest, “rigorous honesty” is mentioned every time we read “How it Works” at meetings, yet people are telling others to be dishonest and “fake it”. The intent of this may be to give those who still have some doubts about their drinking problem or AA in general an easier softer way so that at some point they will “make it” what ever “it” is, the sister saying to this is “Act as if.” When I got sober nobody told me it was going to be easy, they told me to “hang on to your butt, it’s going to be a bumpy ride” and “don’t drink, go to meetings get sponsor and work the steps, above all else don’t drink even if your butt falls off.” O.K. they may have had a fixation with the condition of my butt but at least they weren’t telling me to be dishonest! When I walked into AA I was already pretty good at being dishonest, I was dishonest with myself and everyone else I met and you told me I would have to learn to be honest which requires a bit of trust. You told me to have faith in a Power Greater than myself, that if I didn’t have my own I could use the group for this Power or borrow yours. I just needed to have faith that things would get better and you showed me this by the way you treated myself and other newcomers, by sharing how you had risen out of the depths of alcoholic despair to live a joyous and productive life in sobriety. You told me it was about progress and not perfection, to mellow out and take it one day at a time, and that in time if I took the same actions you took my craving for alcohol would disappear, you said I would truly enjoy being sober and you weren’t dishonest, in what you told me. The ride was bumpy, sometimes difficult, sometimes easy but I wasn’t faking the actions, I was taking the actions and my reward was that the compulsion to drink was removed and those elusive promises started coming true.

“Once again my troubles are of my own making.” If we are going to paraphrase this from the Big Book shouldn’t we quote the paragraph prior to this statement, “Selfishness----self-centeredness! That we think is the root of all our troubles.” Too many times someone will say their troubles are of their own making when they are in emotional turmoil or turmoil due to outside forces, they use the phrase like a cop out, “ oh well I caused my own problem.” If I am causing my own problems then I better learn to identify how selfishness and self-centeredness are creating these difficulties, what aspect of selfishness is generating my fear, fear is the underlying cause for anger, low self esteem, self-pity and a host of others. I also need to remember the how my selfishness gives raise to the seven deadly sins; lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, rage, envy and pride. I need to remember that when I share I need to identify how my own selfishness is causing the problem and what action/actions I need to take change the problem. When I work on my defects using the spiritual tool kit I become more aware of how my selfishness is effecting me, the less selfish I become the better my life is, this doesn’t mean life is always roses and dark chocolate, I still have bad hours, what I do accept is that my selfish desires want the world to revolve around me and the little Veruca Salt inside me acts up and wants everything to go my way 24/7, which is selfishness at it’s best. I create my own happiness or misery, it is all in my outlook and attitude, to be unselfish is to understand that the world and everything in it is doing what it is suppose to and I can’t always have it my own selfish way. I also need to take responsibility for my own actions or inactions, if I do something to wrong someone or an institution then they have a right to retaliate, I need to do a 10th step, learn from the experience and hopefully not repeat it. Yes I do create my own troubles but I am also responsible for my own serenity and whether or not I used the tools of recovery to maintain that serenity.

“First thought wrong” or “My biggest trouble lies between my ears.” I spent a drunken life time perfecting the art of low self-esteem, self doubt and shame, all turbo charged, so now in recovery why should I continue this practice, why should I stay co-dependent on this same self doubting behavior. On page 86 of the Big Book Bill writes about our morning prayer and mediation in which he says, “We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.” He then goes on to tell us how to use prayer and mediation to improve our day and our lives in general on a daily bases. My problems do not necessarily arise from my thinking but more from acting impulsively to my thinking. When I drank I would act impulsively to a thought without thought of consequences or the effects it has on others, if I wanted to buy something I would without thought of upcoming financial needs, I was in a constant state of fulfilling my wants over my needs no matter what the cost and who I damaged along the way. The other problem with my thinking was not checking my motives. With prayer, mediation and the assistance of others I have learned and am learning to stop and look at the bigger picture of what I am thinking about. If I am planning something major like moving, changing jobs, getting into a possible intimate relationship I mediate about it for clarity and then talk it over with my sponsor or another trusted member of AA, they in turn can assist me in seeing all the pros and cons, my decision to follow my thinking may be correct, my trouble arises in putting too high of expectation on the change, I want to see the changes as being all rosy where as someone else will point out the thorns I need to be aware of thus saving me from unnecessary suffering. My experience has also been that when I practice prayer and mediation I don’t act as impulsively, I wait to buy something I want until I can afford it, my thinking is fine in wanting the newest CD by my favorite artist but if I have other monetary expense I postpone the purchase until I an afford it without causing financial stress. Asking someone out to dinner may be a good idea, but getting emotionally wrapped up in that person after the first date isn’t nor is not considering her emotional and spiritual well being, once again slowing down and rationally thinking about the situation is the un-selfish use of my thought process.

“I would rather be drunk than dry and miserable” or something to that effect. Really who hasn’t had a dry spell or 2, a period when we are caught up in the I, Self, Me of self-pity, a period when we don’t feel like praying, talking to our sponsor, going to meetings, working the step and so on. I would rather see someone be dryer then an Arizona cornfield than to see them pick up a drink again, that drink may be the one that kills them, or kills another person, there is no guarantee anyone will come back after they start drinking again. I was lucky I made it back to the rooms of AA after my relapse but it took 10 years, 10 years of damaging the life of my daughter, putting my poor parents through mental Hell, financial and legal problems, thanks to my Higher Power I never killed anyone even though I was a severe drunk driver. Please don’t throw temptation to the wind and suggest that someone or yourself go ahead and get drunk just because they are dry and miserable, encourage them to use the tools available to them get off the pity pot, the 12th step and our primary purpose aren’t just for practicing alcoholics you know.

“Stick with the winners” I know what you are talking about and understand the meaning of this statement but the newcomer in the corner or back of the room with less than a few months of sober time may not, you know the one who is too shy to ask questions. Do you remember when you first walked into the rooms, your head was swimming with all kinds of stuff, you listened in the meetings and got more confused, thankfully some people reached out to you and explained the basics, I remember those days. I also remember feeling like a loser and how it took a while before I thought I was even in the game of life again let alone thinking I was a winner. When we share about sticking with the winners, let us (myself included) share that the people who enjoy life in sobriety are the ones generally follow the suggestions of, going to meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor, developing a network of recovery friends, doing service work, reading the literature, and being a part of the fellowship/participating in our own sobriety.

Having said all of this, there are slogans and phrase that just as important as the steps and traditions. “One day, one hour, one minute at a time” just for today/this hour/this moment I won’t pick up that first drink. “Don’t drink and go to meetings” one could add “get a sponsor and work the steps” to this but the chances are if someone just doesn’t drink and goes to meetings eventually they will follow suit and get a sponsor and start working the steps. “Keep coming back it works” this is what our experience has shown us. “Easy does it” but do it. We all have our favorites, as for me I need to make sure I am saying these things out of practice and not complacent parroting, that I am aware of how my words can effect others, words are very powerful and I need to respect them. Now comes the paradox slogan for this whole writing, “Keep It Simple” I just analyzed some phrases bring back the point that we need to watch what we say and keep it simple. Dr. Bob warned Bill and all of us not to louse this thing up by getting too complicated, maybe I am complicating things by analyzing these phrase and need to heed Dr. Bob’s words myself, so I will and close with thank you for reading my rant.

Season of the Newcomers

It is the season of newcomers for me, I am sponsoring 5 new guys in recovery and I have a newcomer staying in my spare room so I talk with her, give her what experience, strength and hope I can and for the things I can’t I give her the names of those who can be of more assistance. Dogen Zenji stated “ To study the Way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by all things of the Universe.” Helping newcomers in recovery isn’t actually studying the Way but it is practicing the 8 Fold Path and I am not looking for enlightenment but it is probably a byproduct. When I sit and talk with these people going over how they are powerless over alcohol and drugs, how their use of alcohol and drugs has damaged their lives, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially; how they have caused harm to those closest to them, I have to go back to my own history of damage. Every time I go through what I went through it shines more light on my own way of living, each of these people is different so in talking to them I have to touch the part of me that they can relate to. I have to be aware of how parts of my history are similar to theirs, I have to really listen to what they are saying and think before I respond, I have to study self to give self. These people depend on me to help them to the best of my ability to assist them in staying and living a sober life, they are trusting me which is a big step for them and a big responsibility for me. I have to be aware of how I am living my life, that I am living a life based on the principles I try and bestow to them. When I tell them they are powerless over other people and other things and that if we allow other people and circumstances in life to effect us negatively then we are only adding to our own suffering, then I need showing them by example. They have witnessed that I live a relatively peaceful life, that I am positive and happy, I also share with them when I am struggling and the challenges I face and also that I have to go to my teacher for help too. I have to understand my own feelings, defects and strengths. I have to touch my fears so they can understand their fears better, same goes for breaking down anger, ego, pride, low self esteem, resentments, all of which stem from self and the want of the big I, the “I want”, “I need” “they aren’t”, “they don’t” the stuff that messes with our inter peace because life isn’t going the way I want it to go and the way “I” want it to go is my way, no hassles, no pain, no conflict, no confrontations and so on. Every time I have one of these discussion I grow a little bit myself. I awaken my mind a bit more too where I am falling short and work towards handling situations a bit better.
I take it really easy on the spiritual part of recovery. I am a strong believer in letting everyone find a concept of a Higher Power that they are comfortable with. Too many people in recovery get fouled up early on because they are trying too hard to get the “God thing” down pat, they are forcing themselves to believe as others believe and get discouraged, which in turns creates mental anguish. I explain to them my way of understanding a Divine Creator, a being that created the Universe and all that is natural. Unless they want to get into a deeper discussion I leave my thoughts on a Higher Power at that. I explain my Buddhism to them as a spiritual path that works for me. I talk about the first 3 Noble Truths but don’t go to far into the 8 Fold Path, this is the easiest and most comprehensive way for me to explain suffering, how to recognize the suffering and how to neutralize the suffering, once again this is done in the most basic form. My favorite thing to tell them is about inviting the feeling to sit down and have tea with us, to greet the emotion as a guess and by sitting down and having tea with the emotion we are taking the power away from the emotion and treating it as an equal, just the 2 of us sitting across from each other sipping tea neither one get anxious over the other one, that when we honestly honor the feelings as a path to growth we become at peace with the feelings; I explain this takes a lot of practice but with practice it gets easier to deal with uncomfortable emotions, I find that I have the hardest time going this when I am angry at someone or something. Once again by going over these things I am reminded that I need to make sure I am practicing what I am suggesting to others. I do share about the importance of prayer and basic breathing mediation. For me my morning pray is a way of saying thanks for being alive and sober, I set my mind on a positive path by reminding myself to practice the 8 Fold Path, compassion and loving kindness through out the day, lately I have been visualizing being a peaceful river flowing through the lives of others, I also do a short breathing exercise, all of these things assist me in meeting life on life’s terms, to counter the negative vibes at work or those that just come with the world we live in. There are times during the day when I have to repeat some of these actions over again because I am allowing others to effect me. I end each night by giving thanks for another day, reflect on the positive events and once again do a short breathing mediation. I explain the benefits of doing this for me and suggest it to them to try going the same in what ever form they feel comfortable with.
It would be great if there was a guarantee that all of us stay sober and clean for the rest of our time on earth but there isn’t. The best that we can do is live each day on a spiritual plain, have regular contact with others in recovery and remember what happened when we drank, meaning the destructive side, the feeling of being utterly alone, the darkness and misery. I am grateful that these people are in my life, they help me get out of self, they remind me of where I came from and where I can go again, they assist me in my recovery as much as I assist them.
As with Buddhism, part of being in recovery is the community of people on the same path, our meeting rooms are the gathering place for the recovery sangha, we need each other. Some times the teachers and the students change roles which is the invisible hand of growth moving us around. Like any community there is good and bad, being in recovery doesn’t mean we give up free will, I suggest based on my experience, perceptions and knowledge and you do the same for me, some times my ignorance comes out the same as yours, we are free to make mistakes, we are free to follow the teachers we choose, we are free to suffer, we are free to be joyful and serene. There are no must, no matter how much people talk about God, steps, slogans, catchphrases, passages from literature, none of this is mandatory. What I am trying to say is there is a bit of prejudice out there towards 12 step recovery a programs, I am not so blind that I can’t see some of the problems that exist but over all 12 step programs do and have saved the lives of a huge number of alcoholics and addicts.

Namaste
Scott

A Thread is Tied Off

Wednesday night a friend of mine died from alcoholism, she was 47 years old. Cyd had reached the point of not caring anymore, she was tired of fight the disease, and in the end she took an overdose of Tylenol and washed down with vodka which caused her already damaged liver to shut down.
At one point in her life Cyd had 10 years of sobriety then she lost a child, started drinking again and was never able to stay sober for any length of time after that. The longest time she may have had in the last 10 years was a year; normally she would get 1 or 2 months. She never quit trying though, well not until the other day, she would go to meetings, get a sponsor work the steps and then for reasons unknown to every one would drink again, disappear for a few months and then show back up and start all over again. She had run her course of treatment facilities, mental health hospitals and even jails. Last night I lead the meeting at local mental health hospital, Cyd’s last trip up there was this summer, I generally don’t talk about suicide or depression when I go to meetings at the hospital but last night we all needed to think about the gravity of the disease. My ex-wife died from suicide, like Cyd she gave up fighting the disease, the struggle of day to day life was just too much to bare, tired of one more attempt and one more failure, in the end the thought of dying was more peaceful than the unknown of living. I don’t condone suicide but for some alcoholics and addicts it is the only way to achieve peace. I would guess that a large portion of alcoholics and addicts were suicidal to some degree when the disease was active, this would be true especially for older ones. I was 24 when I cut my wrist because I just didn’t care any more and thought the other side might be better, it was this event that lead me to recovery, during the relapses years I never thought too seriously about blowing my head off, OD’ing, gassing myself but I did get to the point that didn’t care if I woke up in the morning or not, or if I had a heart attack while driving which would cause an accident that took my life. Suicide is the ultimate selfish act but the life of active alcoholism and drug addiction is a life filled with total and complete selfishness 24/7.
Some words on Cyd; Cyd was the most intellectually intelligent person I knew in recovery!! Cyd could quote the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous), the Bible word for word. She was the only person who know anything indepth about Eastern religions, she not only know about Thich Nhat Hanh, the Tao, Kornfield and others she had read them and would talk about what she had read. She would also talk about Kahil Gilbran, Kerouac, Burroughs, Ginsberg, Steinbeck, John Irving and any number of authors that might catch her fancy. I envied Cyd’s ability to remember passages from books or song lyrics, my memory is shot and has been for years, not matter how many times I read or listen to something I can’t quote verbatim the words. Cyd and I also shared a love for music, I remember a few months back she had bought a copy of Joni Mitchell’s newest album, she was like a school girl in her excitement about how great the album was and the depth of the lyrics, I still haven’t heard the album but will go get a copy to honor my friend. We would talk about the great singer/songwriters both the well known and the less well known, she liked Townes Van Zandt, Lucinda Williams, Nanci Griffith and others who’s music isn’t played on commercial radio stations. A year ago last June I took Cyd to a state AA function and on the way home NPR was playing blues, her knowledge was amazing, she could recognize the different artist the radio was playing, once again not your normal popular artist. These are some of the things I know about Cyd in the short time she was my friend. We weren’t really tight but would stand outside a meeting a visit while smoking or once in awhile I would give her a lift home, but spend 15-25 minutes with Cyd was like spend a day with someone else.
One last thing; all the knowledge and intelligence in the world didn’t save her life in the end!! I have known people who are too intelligent and analytical to grasp recovery but I really don’t think that was Cyd problems. I am taking a wild ass guess here and saying that if anything she couldn’t let go of the suffering no matter how hard she tried, the suffering for the lost of a child, the suffering she inflicted on her other kids lives due to her drinking sprees, the suffering of loneliness but in honestly only she knew. Did she frustrate me with her relapses yes, did I stop caring no, and I am not alone. Tonight there is going to be a viewing and wake, the event will be filled with a bunch of recovering drunks and druggies paying respect for truly one of their own. She was a thread that wove it’s itself into our lives and we are richer for touching the thread, for seeing her star burning bright and even seeing it fade.
Love Ya Cyd, peace and harmony

Perspective on relapses and alcoholism

I rent a room out to guy who is recovering from alcoholism and addiction, he had 10 months clean and sober, lived in the half way house for those months, was doing really well there. He took his recovery seriously, attended different meetings regularly, did service work, helped the new guys at the house, was never overly cocky about his sobriety, he was one of those newcomers you would say was standing on solid ground. The reason I asked him if he wanted to rent out 2 small rooms in my house cheap was that he was doing so well and he is rather quiet and respectful, which suits my quiet life style. About the time Adam was starting his transition out of the half way house and into my house the half way house announced it was permanently closing it doors due to lack of funds and paid staff, which was a blow to the guys living there because of the support the house gave them. Adam moved in to my house and was doing really good for a few weeks, going to work daily, making appointments (UA’s), going to meetings and hanging out with the guys from the house and others in recovery. Just over 3 weeks ago things started going bad for him, his great grandmother died, his dad who is a practicing alcoholic and addict got the hell beat out of him at a dive bar which lead to him having a fairly major stroke, bit by bit Adam started sinking into depression. I availed myself to him the best that I could, being there for him to talk to but never pressing him to talk, my thinking was that I wanted the house to be a safe and comfortable place for him to live in and not have to worry about answering to me, plus most people won’t open up unless they are ready to. Finally he checked himself into the local mental health hospital, I wasn’t home at the time and later he told me he had drank a 6 pack and a bottle of cheap wine which added to the depression. He was released on the 7th and spent the weekend with his family, seeing his dad in the hospital. He came back to the house Monday the 10th and we talked a bit and he seem alright and know he needed to get a new or second sponsor plus get back into going to meetings. Tuesday night I went to a meeting and got home around 8:30 at about 8:45 a police officer showed up at my door looking for Adam, one of his friends had called the police department stating that Adam sounded depressed and they were afraid he was suicidal, I told the officer that as far as I knew he was at an NA meeting, I gave her the location of the meeting and also the name a guy who would be in attendances, I would later make amends for having a police officer show up at an NA meeting they tend to get a bit more weireded out about cops than alkies do. My friend from the meeting called back asking where Adam was because he wasn’t at the meeting, so I check his room and sure enough he was on his bed sound asleep, I told my friend to send the officer back over and I proceed to wake Adam up and told him the officer was on the way over. He was way out of it, sounded like he was dosed good on anti-depressants, the officer talked to Adam and after about 15 minutes waiting to see if his behavior improved with time the EMT’s were called to check him out in case of accidental overdose. When the EMT’s arrived and after talking to Adam a bit he admitted that he had mixed vodka with his med’s, ¾ of a 1.75 liter bottle. Adam was taken to the emergency room and later he voluntarily readmitted himself into the mental health hospital. When I talked to him last Thursday he admits that not going to meetings was a big part of the problem, he was overwhelmed, scared and felt he couldn’t honestly talk about his fears.
Since I started working on this post 2 other people I know rather well have relapsed. One is a woman who has been in and out of recovery for quite a number of years. She does well for awhile then for what ever reason she picks up again. She was in pretty bad shape this time, luck would have it she asked for help and is detoxing at her sponsors house. The other is a 17 year old kid; he drank Saturday night, got messed up, felt like shit and was at a meeting Sunday morning. He mentally felt bad you could tell in the way he talked. I think the sad part for him is realizing he can’t enjoy drinking anymore, as much as he wanted to have a good time like his friends he just felt low and knew he was losing control.
Alcoholism and drug addiction suck!!!! We as alcoholics just want to have a couple of beers, speaking for myself, just to relax, lighten the stress of the day a bit, and enjoy some social merriment with friends. We can’t do this ever again once we cross the line from casual drinker to alcoholic, if a person ever was a casual drinker, I never was. The heavy drinker may drink daily but if something bad happens they can quit drinking without any trouble. The alcoholic is caught up in an obsession with alcohol and has no or very limited control over how much they drink once they get started. I was of the limited control type, I would drink until midnight or 1:00am by which time I was sleepy enough to crash hard, very rarely did I pass out but then again I was a beer drinker. What I have in common with every alcoholic is that once I start drinking I crave more, it doesn’t matter how much money I have, I wrote bad checks and stole for more, it didn’t matter if I was in trouble with the law, no drivers license, no insurance, on probation, it didn’t matter that my daughter was living in a foster home, or was out running with much older kids drinking and driving, needed new clothes or something nice for school, it didn’t matter that my parents were worried sick about me, all that mattered was drinking. If I wasn’t working I was drinking and when I worked at a convenience store I would drink while I worked sometimes. If I did worry about all that was wrong with my life I would drink to forget, I would try and drink the shame away, the self hatred, and fear. Yeah fear probably the one thing that drives all alcoholics deeper into the disease and contributes to relapses like those of Adams and my female friend. Adam said he felt overwhelmed and my female friend she was having a tough time with feeling insecure, she just starts to feel good about herself on the verge of getting completely honest and then the insecurity sabotages her and she drinks again. A non-alcoholic when faced with financial problems will not spend money they don’t have on booze and smokes but not an alcoholic, the alcoholic will not only spend the money they will also spend more money on something for their companion or children to make up for the guilt they feel about spending the non-existent extra money on themselves. A non-alcoholic doesn’t watch a movie or TV show and recognize the brand of alcoholic the characters are drinking by the bottle shape or fuzzy label nor do they get thirsty watching someone drink an alcoholic beverage. I am not saying society needs to do anything about alcohol in public, alcoholism is my problem and I need to be comfortable around alcohol.
This beings me to what is an alcoholic to do and what could of the people above done to prevent their relapses. I have mentioned meetings in this post and previous post concerning recovery from alcoholism. The importance of meetings, is you are with other people who share a common problem and have a common solution, it gives you and opportunity to make new friends who don’t drink thus replacing the dangerous ones who do, it is a place to remember where our drinking took us, in most cases it is a place filled with hope when life seems hopeless. When I got away from meetings I forgot about the bad times and negative emotions that came from drinking, not that I dwell in the past I just need to be reminded of it, I need to see the newcomer still shaking and smelling from the effects of the night before, the mixture of fear, desperation and a slight bit of hope. I need the camaraderie of other fellow travelers. The 12 steps of recovery are also a must, they aren’t something to rush through nor are they something to procrastinate on, thus the reason for a good sponsor. A sponsor is a mentor, someone who has something you want, not a material things though having a nice fishing boat or sweet ride isn’t a good reason for picking a sponsor . My sponsor is a very pragmatic person, spiritual in nature, insightful. Mentors me by sharing his experience, strength and hope, he gives suggestions based on what he has learned. He isn’t a dictator or a god, just a human I trust and am willing to listen to. Wow that was an unintentional transition into thrust, honesty and willingness. First I have to be willing to do what is recommend of me to stay sober, to not give in to fear, anger and impatience. Too many new people in recovery get impatient, they want instant gratification, hell that’s what we got from booze, they want to feel good NOW, they want there problems to go away NOW, they want others around them to see how they have changed and they want those same people they have harmed to respect them NOW, sorry campers it doesn’t work that way most of the time. The same is true with spirituality it takes time, it is about progress not perfection, we sit in meetings and see others who are happy, peaceful and serene and forget that it has taken them time to get there. It is all about today, this moment right now, for today I won’t give in and buy that drink, for this moment I won’t drink, for this moment I will say a little prayer asking for help from whatever Higher Power I believe in. I have to honestly believe that I need help not only with my alcohol problem but with my own perceptions, character defects, with spirituality, I need help learning how to communicate with others, and I need help getting out of selfish thinking and fear. I have to be completely honest in that I am totally powerless over alcohol and that when I drink it causes mental, physical and sometimes legal troubles, that no good whatsoever comes from me picking up a drink, by doing this I can think the drink through. I no longer crave a drink but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about having a drink, I pass a store advertising 30packs on sale, note the price and what a good buy that is and remember the 30 pack would only last a couple of days for me then I would need another and another, plus the problems that good buy would create.
Spirituality is a must for most of us, not 100% though, I know of people who still maintain complete atheism in recovery but they are rare exception and not the norm. Via the 12 steps and 12 traditions we are free to believe in a God of our own understanding; it can be as simple or complex as we make it. Again the newcomer needs to be patient with this process, to may try too hard to believe in another’s concept of God and feel their concept inadequate which can lead to relapse or a bad case of the poor me’s. The use of prayer and mediation has a very quieting quality to it; the belief in a Higher Power makes us feel less alone and also that there is a purpose for our lives. It gives strength in living in the moment knowing that the future will be what the future is. I have to take action, do footwork, faith without works is dead. In being aware of my character defects I then have to work on them to the best of my ability, some days I am good at it and some days I am bad at it.
Service works is also beneficial in staying sober, whether it is making coffee, (the nectar of people in recovery), helping with setup/cleanup, chairing a meeting, reading when asked or working at the district, intergroup or area levels as a committee member or chair etc. I am a service work junkie, for me it is about giving something back to those who so freely gave to me and making sure AA survived, it is also my way of helping the newcomer. Reaching out to the new person whether they are a newcomer, visitor or new members who just move to the area is important to me. If people hadn’t reached out to me at that first meeting I may have never come back and on the flip side when I moved to a new town people didn’t shake my hand and I thought they were being unfriendly and stopped going to meetings which played a part in my drinking again, they are not at fault I choose to buy that 6 pack, no one ever poured a drink down my throat.
All that I have written comes from my perspective; it is my opinions and thoughts and has nothing to do with AA’s stand on the subject’s I have talked about. No one speaks for AA as a whole. If there are things that you disagree with please let me know or if something I have written is unclear please let me know and I will try and clarify my idea better.

11th Step comes to Life

The 11th Step Comes to Life


I denounced the Christianity of my upbringing sometime around 15, as my interest in history, world cultures and social activist grew so did my skepticism with Christianity. I could not accept that anyone who didn’t believe in the blood atonement of the prophet Jesus of Nazareth would be condemned to a life in a so called Hell or eternal damnation. I didn’t seek out a different path of spiritualization I just put any thoughts of spirituality out of my mind except when I read about people of a spiritual nature. By the time I was 16 my budding Alcoholism was took off full force and my only real interest was the obsession to drink as often as possible and of course the typical 16 year boy stuff like girls and music. Sometimes in a drunken stupor I would talk about theology or philosophy which isn’t a good thing to do at a party or when trying to attract someone of the opposite sex. I called myself an Atheist but in reality I was Agnostic or a Theosophist like Voltaire, I believed in something but wasn’t sure what it was.

In 1982 during a period of mandatory abstinent from alcohol, thanks to the U.S. Air Force, I was hiking by myself in the Rocky Mountains. I stopped to rest on an outcrop of rock overlooking a vast valley, my eyes were open to all the amazing colors and formations, my ears were open to a multitude of sounds, I smelled the earth, air, vegetation and everything else, my mind was opened to a belief in a Divine Creator, one that created all that is of nature. This creator wasn’t male or female but completely androgynous because I was aware of both aspect of atypical male and atypical female all around me. It was on this outcrop of rock that I had my first spiritual experience.

Fast forward 5 years when the combination of fear, loneliness, and depression fueled by heavy daily drinking brought my shuffling feet through the door of an AA meeting. I honestly don’t remember much about those first few meetings other than the guys there seemed really happy, they were openly talking about their feelings and complications in life and how they dealt with them without drinking, they understood the alcohol induced depression I was living in and they offered me Hope. The other thing I noticed was that the 3rd and 11th steps said “God as we understood Him”, cool finally a group that would allow me to believe in my own concept of God, a God without creeds, man made images or rituals.

Over the course of my next 9 years of continuous sobriety my spirituality didn’t grow much beyond my belief in a Divine force in the universe. I would say a prayer of thanks in the morning and before I went to sleep, say a pray of thanks when even the smallest good fortune came my way like a green light when I really needed one, I said the Serenity Prayer to help me calm down in tense situations but that was pretty much it. I never took a close look at the 11th step nor truly added it to my daily practice of recovery. I attended meetings in small towns in rural Nebraska and bit by bit I started getting resentful towards people who used the Christian implied concept of God too much when they shared and if someone talked about Jesus too much I would be filled with unspoken rage. Notice how I said “unspoken” I just did. That’s right my fear of sharing what was really going on inside had returned and I was afraid to tell anyone my feels, this is one of 2 big secrets I keep, I figured no one would understand or they would try and sway my beliefs toward theirs. AA was my safe haven and my only social life so I sure didn’t want to risk losing it but something was happening inside me that I wasn’t aware of but the Big Book talks about on pages 151 and 152. I was becoming that dry drunk who would give anything to take a couple of drinks and get away with it, at meetings I was happy and friendly but really I was whistling in the dark. I wasn’t happy in AA, my marriage was a mess, I had financial troubles, I wasn’t really happy with my job and since I was a member of the Air Guard I was hanging around people on a monthly bases who “drank with impunity” I reached the jumping off point, picked up a 6 pack of beer and jumped. I didn’t land for 10 years and then it was at a treatment center and I didn’t land on my feet either I might add.

In my first few months back in active recovery and regular attendance at AA meetings I was comfortable with being reunited with the God of my understanding, it took a big lesson in comparing my insides with others outside for this to happen though, understanding my perceptions can be a great butt kicking tool if I use it. But something inside of me was telling me I needed more, this time I heard the voice and heeded it.

When I read the 11th step in the Twelve and Twelve the prayer of St. Francis really struck me hard and I had an awaking. I am sure I had read it a few times before in my past life of recovery either at a step study meetings or in private but I must have never given it any thought or wasn’t ready to hear the message. Even though the prayer was written by a wonderful Christian man, I saw it in an Eastern religious light, I have always had an interest in Taoism and Buddhism and other than reading the Tao a few times I have never looked deeper at either one. So with my new personal interpretation of St. Francis’s pray I set out to explore Buddhism and in doing so the 11th step came to life for me. Thanks to my new found willingness, the internet, an online friends in recovery who are Buddhist and 2 awesome teachers via their books, His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh, I began a new spiritual journey. By incorporating basic Buddhist practices with my AA practices of regular meetings, service worker, working with new comers, living the steps, reading AA literature, I have discovered an awesome way to improve my conscience contact with the God of my understanding and live life on live terms in relative peace and serenity. I still have anxieties, anger and all the rest of the emotions that come with life but bit by bit I am able to manage the emotions and not let them take away my happiness. I have found new tools that help me daily to accept people I don’t like and to deal with negativity and intolerance in the work place or the world in general. Like it says in the Big Book it is about spiritual progress not spiritual perfection, I can’t have 20 years of spiritual bliss until I have lived 20 years in spiritual bliss.

My concept of God hasn’t changed much since I sat on that mountain outcrop but my spirituality has. This is thanks to working all the steps this time around and not leaving out the 11th. Using a combination of what is written in the Big Book, the prayer of St. Francis and a conscience effort towards unselfishness, compassion, right mindfulness, right speech, right view, right intentions, right livelihood, right concentration, right effort, right action, I am aware of my inter self and how it effects me and those I come in contact with and what I need to do to improve my way of thinking and acting.. If I am intolerant towards those who show intolerance towards me then it is me who suffers and if I am suffering then I am not able to be a channel of peace, love and tolerance. I have faith that as long as I do these things then I won’t reach that jumping off place again.

Using the Rearview Mirror

This was written in April of 2007 and published in November 2007 in the AA magazine the Grapevine

Using the Rear View Mirror

I recently chaired a meeting of relatively newcomers. The italicized paragraph from page 24 of the Big Book was read, which lately the Higher Power has had me hear quite a bit for reasons that will be explained later. The topic turned to our egos and how that when things are going well in sobriety our egos get inflated and soon goes from the “We” program to the “Me” program. One lady with a little over a year was talking about how good things were, how her scare with cancer proved to be benign, and how people always said nice things about her, yet the desire to drink had been increasing, not a heavy craving just the subtle “wouldn’t a whatever” variety of desire. Then she started talking about her troubles backing her car out of her driveway and she said “Maybe I need to use the rearview mirror,” which struck me as one of the most profound things I have heard in a meeting lately and here is why.
I was introduced to the Fellowship in 1987. I was 24 years old and stationed at Kunsan AB Republic of Korea. I was an emotional wreck and the rest of me wasn’t that healthy either. I drank daily and was even drinking prior to work. I am one of those who felt he never completely fit in with others, my taste and ideals are outside of the status quo. Beer and cheap wine were the magical potions that allowed me to change my personality so that even being still a bit of an oddball I could fit into most social circles. By age I was 24 the magic had worn off though and I took a sharp pocket knife to my wrist. A mental health professional who is a friend of the Fellowship told me my problem wasn’t that I was outside of the norm but that I was an Alcoholic and couldn’t handle life on life’s terms. So out of fear for my career and a sense of nothing left to lose I walked into a little tin shed with an old oil heater for my first meeting, I felt welcome and after a couple of meetings I knew I had found a place where I belonged. My fellow Airmen and Soldiers were “happy, joyous and free”. They shared their feelings and how they had found a way to live life and accept themselves and their circumstances. Something else grabbed my attention right from the start and that was the 3rd step. I was raised to believe that you had to be involved in organized religion to have a clear connection to God. I have always believed in a Divine Creator but believe It is the same for everyone, Christian, Jews, Moslems, Native Americans, Pagans etc. That AA meeting was the first place I had ever been to where it was acceptable to believe in a God of my own understanding, and worship as I see fit. Like a lot of other people Chapter 4 of the Big Book is about me and it saved my butt.
For the next 8 years I was active in the Fellowship, even though I relocated a few times. I generally attended 3 meetings a week, sometimes more but rarely less. I was involved in service work, always had and used a sponsor, applied the steps and traditions to my life, read the literature and truly enjoyed living a sober life as a member of AA. I met and married a fellow traveler and in 1991 we adopted a little girl at birth. By 1996 the marriage was over mainly due to my wife’s disease coming back hard and heavy, although I did have my part to play in the marriage going bad. My daughter and I moved to another town. Since taking her to meetings with me wasn’t as easy as before, and since I didn’t know many people, I gradually stopped going to meetings. You guessed it. I stopped doing all those other things too.
Sometime in 1997 I was shopping and thought a beer would taste good but knew regular beer was dangerous, so I bought a 6-pack of NA beer. That .01% was enough to bring the disease back to life. It took a few years to return to serious heavy drinking but I did go back to where I left off and then some. I drank to become numb, to deaden my feelings about my ex-wife’s suicide from drug addiction and my feelings of letting her down, to deaden my feelings of inadequacy as a single parent, and once again I drank to fit in with others. With the help of some good enablers I never drank myself to the poor house. I held onto a good job and even retired from the Air Guard.
In 2005 I got my first DUI, eleven months later my second DUI followed with my first stay in jail. My daughter was temporarily put into foster care, yet I continued to drink daily, basically if I wasn’t working I was drinking regardless of the risk or consequences. In November 2006 I was arrested for a bad check charge. While laying on that bench bed, I made a decision to enter a treatment program even though I wasn’t totally willing to quit drinking. Fact is I couldn’t quit without being isolated from alcohol and my daily routine. Once in treatment I was reunited with the program and fellowship I once loved so much. I was also reunited with some close friends in recovery from the old days and they welcomed me back with open arms. One of them is now my sponsor and taking me through the Steps again. The zeal I once had has returned and I am back to being active, back to doing service work, attending 3-5 meetings a week, using my sponsor, reading the literature, spending time with the guys in the local half-way house. and reaching out to the God of my Understanding who thankfully never left me. I am rebuilding a damaged relationship with my teenage daughter. I am learning how to be a parent and she is learning how to be parented, a hard process for both of us, but one day at a time it is getting better. The scars from my ex-wife’s death are slowly starting to heal and the guilt is subsiding. I once again accept who I am inside and out.
Ten years ago I stopped using the rearview mirror; I stopped checking on what I had left behind and where I had been. I became complacent and that complacency rendered me defenseless against the first drink. The “yet’s” became a reality. I don’t regret what I learned in those 10 years because I am can pass on my experience to others and hopefully help prevent someone else from living that reality. I can remember to use the rearview mirror only by living a life in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and by doing what the winners do.