Doing the "Next Right Thing" Boogie

O.k. God what have you done with my selfishness. You know I always use to think about self before I said sure or no problem or before I just did something without thinking because it was the right and compassionate thing to do at the time. I always had ulterior motives, even if I was acting out of kindness.

At the 5:15pm meeting we had one of those guys who has been trying to stay sober for around 10 years show up drunk again. He has never wandered too far from meetings, disappear for a few months then back, stay sober for a while, maybe even a year, then start again. He has worn out his welcome at the common treatment centers, and also in using the local hospital for detoxing. Four of us stayed around last night to talk with him. He said he was beat down this time for good and wanted to get sober, he was asking and crying for help, we started crossing off the places he couldn’t go and came up with a place in Omaha that is down and dirty, umm humbling , part of the program is feeding and taking care of the skid row drunks and junkies. Two of the guys live next to each other and one has a fishing pond so they bought the guy a bottle of Windsor took him home to fish, spend the night and then take him to Omaha. I talked to one of the guys this morning and our drunken friend is still willing to go to Omaha and detox and is on his way there. I hope he makes it this time, all we can do is help him get there the rest is up to his actions and God. Last night I didn’t have to think too hard about helping take his man to Omaha, at that time we thought we could get him into detox right then, found out it would have to wait until morning; Omaha is a 3-1/2 drive plus time spent checking him in and stuff. It crossed my mind about how late of a night it would be and that I would probably just call work and tell them I would be in late and why, it was a quick thought process no debating.

I have been really amazed and teary eyed at how my thinking has changed; the tears are tears of joy and humility to my Higher Power. Text message “we are taking a meeting to Mike at his apartment, are you in” reply “sure”, Mike has throat cancer and just finished chemo, he is weak and pretty frail, he rarely makes meetings, we took a meeting to him a couple of weeks ago, an NA meeting which is odd for me since I don’t go to NA but the guy who organized the home meeting knew I could be counted on to be there regardless of my preferred fellowship. Via this meeting we started the ball rolling to do a fund raiser for Mike, hamburger/bratwurst feed and silent auction with hopes of raising some money for him to help him out with his medical and living expenses. Phone call “hey man can you give me a ride to -------“ reply “sure no problem”, phone call “hey man, I am short on support, can you help out at the jail meeting” reply “ sure, no problem”, phone call early in the morning “hey man, sorry it is late but I really need to talk to someone” reply “no problem, what’s up”. These are just a few basic examples. This has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with “made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him”.

People talk about just doing the “next right thing” for the most part I am iffy with this statement, reeks of impulsive thinking to me and impulsive thinking and action has gotten me in more trouble than anything else. But if we place our lives on a spiritual plain, then the next right thing comes from following the spiritual path, from the Higher Power. I thought about the “next right thing” this morning. As a Buddhist I follow the Eightfold path; Right View, Right Intension, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. Part of my morning mediation is the willingness to follow the Eightfold path to the best of my ability, it also consist of asking that the bondage of self be removed and that I may practice loving kindness and compassion throughout the day. When I think about the miracle of getting out of self what I need to understand is that the prayer and mediation are really working. That through spiritual practice we really can be less selfish and self centered, a power greater than ourselves will enter our lives and minds and refocus our thinking and energy. I do the “next Right thing” as I understand it from my own spiritual perspective.

Do I do this all the time, Hell no. I still do things for me and life is still about me, but bit by bit the mortar of the old drunken con artist is being chipped away. I actually thought about not going to the 5:15pm meeting last night because after I pulled up there I saw the vehicles of a couple of people who’s perspectives on recovery go against mine to a certain degree, but I remembered it isn’t about me, it is about the still suffering alcoholic, that alcoholic in part was me last night and it was my friend who showed up drunk and wanted help. Money or lack of creates the most selfishness within me, being willing to pay my debts first and using what is left over for my needs and wants is still one of the harder things to for me to work on. I also have cravings for female companionship, an addiction to nicotine and coffee, crave a new job/career, want of financial security not riches but being able to make ends meet plus have some left over for stuff, all these still create suffering and suffering comes from being selfish and self centered.

Also this isn’t just about people in recovery. Getting out of self really took center stage when my dad’s mental and physical health was starting to fail. My mom was having a tough time in caring for and dealing with him, she was confused about certain business matters. I was called on to help and would also stop over and check on them regularly. Believe me there were days when I didn’t want to deal with them, when I had my own “stuff” going on but in the end I did because I know it was the “Right” thing to do. This also applied to my daughter being in a group home and pregnant, sometimes she wanted junior to come with me on my visits, plus other little things I wasn’t comfortable doing, but I did them and I would take junior with me even if there was very little conversation on the drive down. My compassion for my parents and my daughter became greater than my own selfish wants.

I guess if we are mindful or if you like God conscience we can see and know where we are needed and when to get out of self for the benefit of others, we understand what the “next right thing is”. Thich Nhat Hanh is one of my favorite teacher’s, he talks a lot about how happiness and peace come from loving kindness and acting with compassion. We/I use to think happiness would come with enough money, the right woman in my life, lots of music, lots of books, comfortable car, good camping gear and power tools and a job I loved. No happiness comes from living a life of loving kindness and compassion towards others or a life dedicated to that practice, even if there are failures at least we are trying to live this life to the best of our ability. Only when we give up the spiritual life do we fail. When we get rid of self or at least minimize it then we have no “self” to worry about, our concerns aren’t creating fear, anger and other things that lead to suffering. Damn that sounds sooooo easy but I know and you probably do to that it is an ideal worth working on and that there will probably be some pain and discipline associated with the work and man some days I really hate them both.

That is what is on my mind today.

Peace, Love and Light
Scott

Selfish fear and confusion

I am scared and a bit confused. The fear comes from that old feeling of low self esteem. Here lately I have been assisting quite a few people in recovery and a couple who aren’t. I only sponsor a few of those who have sought me out which is fine, I don’t sponsor people to attain notches on my recovery coin. The AA responsibility statement which reads “I am responsible. . . When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help. I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that: I am Responsible.” is something ingrained in my recovery psyche, so when someone asks to talk to me, I don’t hesitate, nor do I judge their character good or bad. The fear comes in the selfish question of “why me and do I really have something to offer them, I’m just a drunk who hasn’t had a drink today nor have I had a drink in the past few yesterdays”. I do my best to stay humble, I don’t give out any suggestions I haven’t done myself or I make sure I let people know that I am expressing my opinion/feelings, if I can’t help I give the name of a person who can. I share my experience, strength and hope to the best of my ability which is all that I can do. All this sounds rather uncomplicated in writing but then comes the fear of making sure I stay humble. I have a hard time accepting the gifts I have, not material but intellectual, and by intellectual I don’t mean the brainiac know it all form of intelligence, I mean an intelligent understanding of things spiritual and emotional. Extended suffering comes from not recognizing or changing the selfish nature on the emotion that is causing us pain; how can low self esteem be selfish? In this circumstance the selfish is not accepting who I am, that it isn’t about “me”, it is about what the Ancestors have given me and what I am suppose to pass along to those who feel I have something to offer them. It would be selfish if didn’t help another, if I didn’t write my thoughts out or send messages of support to those I care about, it would be selfish if I thought “no one wants to hear what I have to share” because obviously they do or they wouldn’t ask me or thank me for the feedback, same goes with those who have asked someone else for help and they have been pointed in my direction because the person they asked know I could help them better. When I doubt myself then I doubt the way of the universe, if I go against stream then I struggle and if I struggle I lose serenity. I took a few days off from a daily AA meeting because since it is the 2nd month the topic of discussion tends to turn to the 2nd step “ Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”. I am the odd person out when it comes to Higher Powers, mine is still pretty much about a Divine Creator and less about God in the conventional since. My selfish ego was having a battle about the difference between going to the meeting to share about the step and the Higher Power the way I understand them and going to the meeting to be an outspoken contrast to those who speak strongly about the Judeo-Christian concept of God. After mediating about this for a few days, I came to the awareness that I am responsible for making sure the newcomers and others understand the implications of spirituality from a broader perspective and also as long as I was speaking from the heart, from my experience, strength and hope and not speaking to any individuals then I was acting humbly. I am gradually learning that I can be a teacher and stay humble at the same time it just takes being aware of my motives, when the ME or I pop up I need to stick the pin of humility in to my inflated ego. I am grateful that I can be of service to alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike, that I have been given some gifts that can be used for compassion and maybe the betterment of others. I also have to understand that I am not responsible for how others act or don’t act, I cant’ control others suffering, drinking or using, the choice is theirs just the same as it is mine.

Season of the Newcomers

It is the season of newcomers for me, I am sponsoring 5 new guys in recovery and I have a newcomer staying in my spare room so I talk with her, give her what experience, strength and hope I can and for the things I can’t I give her the names of those who can be of more assistance. Dogen Zenji stated “ To study the Way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by all things of the Universe.” Helping newcomers in recovery isn’t actually studying the Way but it is practicing the 8 Fold Path and I am not looking for enlightenment but it is probably a byproduct. When I sit and talk with these people going over how they are powerless over alcohol and drugs, how their use of alcohol and drugs has damaged their lives, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially; how they have caused harm to those closest to them, I have to go back to my own history of damage. Every time I go through what I went through it shines more light on my own way of living, each of these people is different so in talking to them I have to touch the part of me that they can relate to. I have to be aware of how parts of my history are similar to theirs, I have to really listen to what they are saying and think before I respond, I have to study self to give self. These people depend on me to help them to the best of my ability to assist them in staying and living a sober life, they are trusting me which is a big step for them and a big responsibility for me. I have to be aware of how I am living my life, that I am living a life based on the principles I try and bestow to them. When I tell them they are powerless over other people and other things and that if we allow other people and circumstances in life to effect us negatively then we are only adding to our own suffering, then I need showing them by example. They have witnessed that I live a relatively peaceful life, that I am positive and happy, I also share with them when I am struggling and the challenges I face and also that I have to go to my teacher for help too. I have to understand my own feelings, defects and strengths. I have to touch my fears so they can understand their fears better, same goes for breaking down anger, ego, pride, low self esteem, resentments, all of which stem from self and the want of the big I, the “I want”, “I need” “they aren’t”, “they don’t” the stuff that messes with our inter peace because life isn’t going the way I want it to go and the way “I” want it to go is my way, no hassles, no pain, no conflict, no confrontations and so on. Every time I have one of these discussion I grow a little bit myself. I awaken my mind a bit more too where I am falling short and work towards handling situations a bit better.
I take it really easy on the spiritual part of recovery. I am a strong believer in letting everyone find a concept of a Higher Power that they are comfortable with. Too many people in recovery get fouled up early on because they are trying too hard to get the “God thing” down pat, they are forcing themselves to believe as others believe and get discouraged, which in turns creates mental anguish. I explain to them my way of understanding a Divine Creator, a being that created the Universe and all that is natural. Unless they want to get into a deeper discussion I leave my thoughts on a Higher Power at that. I explain my Buddhism to them as a spiritual path that works for me. I talk about the first 3 Noble Truths but don’t go to far into the 8 Fold Path, this is the easiest and most comprehensive way for me to explain suffering, how to recognize the suffering and how to neutralize the suffering, once again this is done in the most basic form. My favorite thing to tell them is about inviting the feeling to sit down and have tea with us, to greet the emotion as a guess and by sitting down and having tea with the emotion we are taking the power away from the emotion and treating it as an equal, just the 2 of us sitting across from each other sipping tea neither one get anxious over the other one, that when we honestly honor the feelings as a path to growth we become at peace with the feelings; I explain this takes a lot of practice but with practice it gets easier to deal with uncomfortable emotions, I find that I have the hardest time going this when I am angry at someone or something. Once again by going over these things I am reminded that I need to make sure I am practicing what I am suggesting to others. I do share about the importance of prayer and basic breathing mediation. For me my morning pray is a way of saying thanks for being alive and sober, I set my mind on a positive path by reminding myself to practice the 8 Fold Path, compassion and loving kindness through out the day, lately I have been visualizing being a peaceful river flowing through the lives of others, I also do a short breathing exercise, all of these things assist me in meeting life on life’s terms, to counter the negative vibes at work or those that just come with the world we live in. There are times during the day when I have to repeat some of these actions over again because I am allowing others to effect me. I end each night by giving thanks for another day, reflect on the positive events and once again do a short breathing mediation. I explain the benefits of doing this for me and suggest it to them to try going the same in what ever form they feel comfortable with.
It would be great if there was a guarantee that all of us stay sober and clean for the rest of our time on earth but there isn’t. The best that we can do is live each day on a spiritual plain, have regular contact with others in recovery and remember what happened when we drank, meaning the destructive side, the feeling of being utterly alone, the darkness and misery. I am grateful that these people are in my life, they help me get out of self, they remind me of where I came from and where I can go again, they assist me in my recovery as much as I assist them.
As with Buddhism, part of being in recovery is the community of people on the same path, our meeting rooms are the gathering place for the recovery sangha, we need each other. Some times the teachers and the students change roles which is the invisible hand of growth moving us around. Like any community there is good and bad, being in recovery doesn’t mean we give up free will, I suggest based on my experience, perceptions and knowledge and you do the same for me, some times my ignorance comes out the same as yours, we are free to make mistakes, we are free to follow the teachers we choose, we are free to suffer, we are free to be joyful and serene. There are no must, no matter how much people talk about God, steps, slogans, catchphrases, passages from literature, none of this is mandatory. What I am trying to say is there is a bit of prejudice out there towards 12 step recovery a programs, I am not so blind that I can’t see some of the problems that exist but over all 12 step programs do and have saved the lives of a huge number of alcoholics and addicts.

Namaste
Scott