The house is quiet, Lady B had to work and took the youngest with her. Later we are picking up the oldest then going to a hotel for the night. Her roommate is having her family Thanksgiving here, it is a whole dramatic event, so the best thing to do is get the hell out of Dodge. Mich and the kids plus some other friends will come over to the hotel and take advantage of the pool and hot tub. We will probably go see a movie tomorrow, my choice is Harry Potter but I am out voted on this one, have to go see it on my own.
I think I am safe in safe in saying Monday I will have 4 years sobriety. November 29th 2006 I walked into a treatment center. Mentally I wasn't ready to quit drinking, just needed to get the heat off and get my ass out of a lot of trouble. Sanity returned within a couple of days and I was willing to do the footwork again to pursue a sober life. My life was filled with unhappiness, hopelessness and unease at this time, within a short few days hope and a glance of serenity started filling up my heart and head. I reconnected with the joy I had once had before when I was on a spiritual path void of alcohol and drugs. Call it what you will, miracle or good karma but I survived a 10 year relapse and found recovery once again.
I have weathered many changes in these 4 years. The first was my daughter being removed from my home and going to live in a group home for troubled girls. Next was her being pregnant at the age of 16. I am grateful to say the birth of Angel turned her life around considerably, though she still makes big mistakes but most 19 year old's do. I have learned not to enable her too much, to be there for her as best I can. She once hated me and today she says I love you when get done talking. I am a part of her life and the life of my grandchildren.
A spiritual path was opened to me about 9 months into recovery. The path of the Dharma has been a wonderful learning adventure, it has brought me inter peace and mindfulness I never had before. I never built a spiritual foundation during the previous 9 years of sobriety, probably why I drank again. My spirituality is like a lot of peoples some days strong, some days weak. Today I have a sense of awareness about my inter suffering, which is a pain in the ass sometimes because I really don't want to take spiritual actions, I want to be a baby and wallow in my pity or anger. I work a lot on knowing life isn't about me and my needs, if my partner is upset it doesn't always mean it is something I have done, same goes for other important people in my life.
I have written a lot about my dads death and will only say it has been a big opportunity for growth and self awareness.
I have learned and am learning about close relationships. I tried to force someone into loving me, chewed up a lot of money but it was money well spent because I learned you can't do it. My relationship with Lady B is good. I have learned I have no control over her feelings and like I said if she is upset it isn't always about me. I have learned to not be such a people pleaser with her, I don't need to do things just to try and force her to be happy. In my previous marriage what came out of my 4th step was I was a big people pleaser and enabler, doing this would send my serenity out of balance. For the most part Lady B is too independent to allow this to happen, her pride is equal to mine in this area. I am learning healthy relationships aren't always lovey dovey, we have periods of quiet time. I crave to know everything is alright when the quiet sets in, I want my fear of rejection to be removed, my crazy mind whats to run in case hurt is forth coming. All of this is just screwed up perceptions, false fear, and my old friend low self esteem messing with me. I am learning I really need to make it clear when I am joking, this was evident yesterday, especially when Aunt Flow comes to visit. My joking is has a dark or cynical side to it, when she isn't mentally in good spirits she takes it personally, this is my bad because I sounded critical when I wasn't. I honestly think it is a good thing there are 90 miles between us. If we had jumped into this by moving in together, I doubt neither one of us would be taking the time to think things out. Even though we talk daily we haven't felt the need to put on false faces to keep the house from being in turmoil if one of us is having a down day. I am sure she is learning about herself as well.
I have changed careers in this 4 years also, another thing I have written plenty about. Changing careers has been an exercise in footwork, mental and spiritual. I have had to chance my way of thinking and doing things. I have learned more about acceptance and living in the moment. I have learned to use my voice, to stand up for myself when need be, to check my motives before I speak. The people I have and do work with are so much different then those who work in manufacturing, I have had to learn how to take a different approach to handling situations. Smile moment; we will intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us! I don't take for granted my insights nor my other gifts, what I have is blessing. What I have has been there all along, it was hidden from view for the most part and needed a spiritual kick in the butt to come out. It needed a spiritual path to be use properly, for me to see my strengths and weakness and work on both accordingly.
I have started taking care of my mother, it started with both of my parents because of dads dementia. I have no ill feelings over this. I am grateful I am able to do this. I chalk this one up to Karma, paying back for when they took care of me and living life correctly. Oh sometimes I get up set with my sisters, my brother has never been attentive or said he wanted to be towards my parents needs so I accept him, my sisters have both said they would help out and not followed through. I accept they have their own lives, they do what they do and it is not my job to judge them.
I humbly owe I all am today to my Higher Power which I choose to call the Dharma and the fellowship of AA. I have my disagreements with AA and some of the people at meetings. Over all when AA's message, the steps, the traditions and service work are kept simple the way Dr. Bob intended it to be, AA is the best way for people like me to get and stay sober. People who needed to know it was alright to believe in a God of our own understanding, people who need to be around other ex-drunks to remember they were once hopeless drunks and can return to living in Hell with one sip. I feel the message of selfishness being the root of all our troubles, seeming to get side tracked by a lot of mumble jumble; too much prayer without footwork and sometimes making AA an Idol to be worshipped. I am grateful for those who see this also, stay around and make damn sure the message is carried on as intended. If AA didn't exist I like others would either be dead, in prison or a mental institution. I am grateful for the fellowship of friends in recovery, those I know in person and online. I am grateful for camp outs and bonfires with fellow travelers on the road to happy destiny!
I am grateful for this blog, it has been my journal and a healthy outlet. It has also been a way for me to stay productive when I had too much idol time on my hands. I am grateful for the fellow bloggers I have met along the way. Some are gone and I miss them and hope they are well. To those who are still here, thanks for being my friend. We may never meet in person, but you have touched my life, you are a part of the journey.
Well campers, I need to get something in my stomach, then off to a noon meeting.
Peace Love and Light!!!!!
Life's a rollercoaster
2 weeks ago