Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Carter and other things

Here are some pictures of Carter. Sunday was the first time I was able to hold him, he is very sweet. He smiled at me while I was talking to him. He is so tiny it is rather strange holding him, he is light at a feather it seems like. As far as we know he has no health problems. As of right now he will be coming home around April 21st which is his original due date. There are a lot of people who can't wait to see him.

I am still spending most of my time in Kearney at Lady B's house. Things are going really well with us. We are finding that we are very compatible together. We respect each other and accept that if one of us is having an off moment it is nothing personal. As for her son, we talk about him and how his father is effecting his behavior. It helps me to understand him better knowing that his father is very sick and selfish and this is mimicked by him. For the most part he is a good kid, I just have to remember how an 8 year old acts. I don't correct him a lot, most of the time I wait for Lady B to correct him if she feels it is needed, when I do say something it is done in a calm but assertive manner, just enough for him to know that what he is doing is wrong. I talk to Lady B about him and she does the same, once again this is done with respect and an openness that allows for understanding.

I have the job as a family advocate, right now we are waiting for the background check from the state patrol to be returned. There shouldn't be any troubles with the check. I will probably start working 19th of April. I am very excited about starting work, this period of unemployment has sucked, I am just not use to not working. Thank my God literally that I have Lady B and moving my mom in my life right now, they give me a purpose and something to keep me occupied. I see Mich once a week and take Angel every other week also, I am going to pick her up tomorrow for Easter weekend. Mich will come down on the weekend and get her.

Lady B and I checked out apartments yesterday. I found a nice one in my price range and in a good neighborhood. I now have to wait for the application to be accepted.

Waiting has been a huge part of this whole out of work gig. Breathing and living in the moment has helped but I still get a bit down. I know this whole situation has made and is making me stronger. Most of us know that growth periods are things that make us stronger but aren't always the most fun to go through. This period of time has been a chance to put awareness into more action from a different direction than before. There are so many areas of our lives that we need to be aware of but for me I am not aware until the need for awareness arises.

Well campers, my brain is starting to run down. I hope you all are well, smiling at the beauty that is living in this day.

Peace Love and Life

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Rainbow in the Clouds

You are all in luck I am using the laptop key board instead of my regular keyboard so I won't be typing a great deal since I am not the proficient with it and can't type fast, so the post won't be my usual length (-:

I am writing this from Lady B's backroom at her work. We had a great weekend at the speaker event and at my house spending time together. I brought her back to Kearney Sunday and am staying at her house because I have no real reason to be in Lincoln. We enjoy the time together, her son is warming up to me also. I am not forcing myself on him and Lady B is making sure she is available for him, basically I am just another body in the house, plus I help her out around the house and cook for her a bit too. Really being here is just giving me something to do, plus I spend time with my mom.

Monday I took mom and my aunt to North Platte, the town where mom bought her new house. We looked at the house some more, got an idea of which bedroom she will sleep in and which one will be her sewing room and spare room. I also took some measurements for stuff and checked out some minor repairs that need to be done and lawn work.

Monday I also had 2 interviews in North Platte. The first one was for an apartment complex manager. The company took over 2 HUD complexes in Kearney and need a manager here for them. The interview went really well. The pay is good and they offer an apartment with employment. I am not sure this job will keep me motivated over the long haul, it is a lot of paperwork processing, background checks, apartment inspections and handling tenant problems and reprimanding tenants. The last bit I don't mind it is the doing paperwork all the time which may get to be a drag and non challenging enough. Having said that if the job is offered and I don't have an alternative I will gladly take it.

The second job is in North Platte. It is a family advocacy agency. The agency works with kids who are wards of the state via DHHS and their families. They provide support via, helping families meet the goals of re-unification as directed by DHHS (department of health and human services) and the court/judge. They education the kids and families on different areas thae need improvement, work on the family strengths and suggest ways to correct weaknesses. They go to court with the families as a support person. They work for the family, this is a voluntary program, sometimes it is suggested with a push from the caseworker but once the family understands the agency works for them and not DHHS the family is fairly comfortable with the assistance and suggestions. The agency also works as a go between or added support voice for when the family is having troubles with DHHS or even the schools. The woman who is the director use to be the director of a similar agency in Kearney and knew me from an AA presentation I did with her and also an interview when I applied for a job there. She really likes me and was excited when she got my resume. She told me I have the job if the background check comes back good which it should. The pay is less than the manager job but this is a job that will be challenging and rewarding. My daughter was a ward of the state so I know the system plus my own experiences as a parent with alcohol/drug problems, this is a benny that the director likes. She also likes the passion I have for wanting to help others.

North Platte isn't the nicest city in Nebraska, not quite the arm pit of larger cities but it is in the top 5. I will just have to accept living there. I may have to pay a bit for a decent apartment or house but that is alright. I will be able to help mom out, take care of her yard work, assist with her paperwork so that is a plus. North Platte is an hour and 15 minute drive from Kearney so it won't be too hard for me to see Mich, the babies and Lady B. If this is were my God wants me to be then this is where I will go.

Mich, Angel and Carter are all doing well. Carter is on track for being released from the hospital on April 21st. He is gaining weight and is healthy. Mich has broken up with Matt, too long of a story to post. Basically she is tired of his games and attitude. She also met a guy in recovery and has been hanging out with him. She likes living sober and clean and Matt has put a strain on that. More later about all this. I have told both of them that their troubles are theirs and dad isn't going to get involved other than to take care of Angel on occasion.

Well campers that's a rap for now. I am meeting a buddy for lunch. I hope all are doing well. I send you my love and prayers/blessings.

Peace Love and Light

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


In his book "Peace is Every Step" Thich Nhat Hanh writes a lot about the benefit of smiling, more specifically, stopping and taking a moment to smile. He writes about instead of getting mad about the red traffic light that is preventing us from getting somewhere NOW, the rush for the next whatever, we need to stop and smile. We need to take this moment of stopping and smile for the moment at hand, to pause, to breathe and live in the moment of this wonderful life, to not worry about where we are going and when we will get there. Thay gives other examples of how we need to use every day perceived inconveniences as a time to stop, smile, live in the moment, breathe and remember how good life really is.

This is something I have really been working lately. Even though it has only been less than 2 weeks since I was fired, I can find myself getting impatient with life. I have not received any correspondence back from the resumes and job applications I have sent out. The rational me knows that the hiring departments for these jobs probably have quite a few apps, and they review them in batches and the selection process takes time, plus they have a closing date which is out in the future, so the interviews will be taking place a few weeks from now. But I don't like sitting around waiting on them, I want to know NOW dammit! So I practice smiling at red traffic lights, at being stuck on the interstate in a mess of cars and semi-trucks trying to get around the slower drivers who don't like or are having problems with the 30mph side wind. I use my music, well not mine, my musical talent involves hitting the play button on the CD player, to take me out of me and into the world of the artist. I also step outside and listen/focus on the sounds of nature, the birds are starting to get very active and the Canadian geese are migrating over head. I notice the bits of green grass peaking through the brown top coat. The other day we had a lovely snow, big wet white flakes and I smiled at them, yes we have had a long winter but spring and summer will come it always does, so why get angry at the Master when It is painting a beautiful picture for us to enjoy if we only open our eyes to it.

I picked up Angel Thursday evening, Mich needed a break. I had Angel with me all weekend. She and I went to Kearney to spend the weekend with Lady B, plus see my mom and also my sister was back from Oregon so there was a get together for her. Angel is the ultimate channel for getting out of self and smiling. She is all about the moment and takes grandpa with her, whether she is happy or sad. She isn't high maintenance but being a toddler she keeps you in her world. Lady B and Angel both love each other, so neither one fights for grandpa's attention, they share him equally, Lady B knows Angel is a part of me and Angel doesn't need grandpa's attention constantly. I was also allowed to have a bit of me time as well.

The reason all of this is important is that life could be very stressful right now but it isn't for the most part. I don't feel stressed out or overly anxious, yes a bit impatient but I reel that back in by looking at things rationally and also seeing where "self" is causing the suffering. Right now I am keeping my job searching to things that I am interested in, I have applied to the State Boys and Girls home for different jobs involving assisting young people and their families. I have applied for jobs which relate to my background in purchasing and inventory management. Yesterday I applied for a job as an apartment complex manager, the job hours are only 30-36 hrs a week but they offer housing which if the pay is right will compensate for the hours of pay. I will start applying for low end jobs, such as work in retail stores the next few weeks but I want to see what happens with the jobs I am more qualified for or more interested in first. Thanks to my God I am not hurting of cash.

The buying of mom's new house has been given to me along with dealing with a rather rude Realtor. The Realtor is a friend of the family via a marriage to my mom's cousin. She thinks mom has more money to spend than she is spending on the house mom has chosen to buy thus when troubles arise she keeps saying we can always look for another house. I know she is just doing her job and her job is to make profit for herself and her company, but her attitude is rough and rattles my mom and sisters feathers, mine also. By staying calm with all that is going on in my life, I am able to work with this lady in a civil manner. There were somethings on the inspection of the house that mom is buying that don't look good, the Realtor basically wanted to jump ship and try and find a different house, my sister also was jumping to conclusions. I let the whole thing ride over the weekend, talked to mom about how we wanted to handle this and came up with a few options. The first option is in play now and waiting for the sellers to get back to me on; there are a few things I would like them to fix, mainly 2 pads in the floor supports that have cracked and settled, then a couple of small things, all in all not a lot of money, maybe $500-$1000.00 at the very most. If this doesn't work we see if they will split the difference and last mom is willing to pay for the repairs herself because she likes the house, the bathroom is setup for elderly people which is a big bonus for her. There are a few minor things that I can do myself, like re-chalking windows and repairing some cracks, plus building up a low spot in the yard that gathers water and allows water to run into the foundation. Nothing to really worry about, just have to see what the sellers are willing to do, they will have to face these same issues with anyone who wants to buy the house.

Matt (Mich's BF) started work and is whining about have to work 50hrs already only after 1 week. He also pulled a dumb one with not leaving Mich much money and then complaining that she didn't have the money for gas to come and visit him over the weekend, he is back in Kearney living with his parents, 175 miles away from the hospital. Basically the kid is complaining because he isn't getting laid over the weekend. I have big concerns about him and him being able to hold down a job, that he will quit and be back to relying on Mich and what she is getting in state aid. This is something that is completely out of my control and like Lady B and I talked about something that Mich as a young woman will have to figure out on her own.

I have been keeping myself busy with keeping the house clean, watching movies, doing things online and a bit of cooking and baking, plus I have found myself taking naps in the afternoons since I have been waking up between 7 and 8am for no reason. I tie dyed my first shirt last week. I had bought a cool Blues Brothers print t-shirt but it was white, I don't do white because I inevitably spill coffee on white shirts, so I tie dyed it purple and it came out very cool, Lady B really liked it. Yesterday I bought some more dye and a couple of cheap T's and will do a shirt for Lady B, I will also buy a couple of toddler T's and do a couple for Angel.

You know campers I could be going crazy right now, I could be caught up in "self" and self pity because truthfully my pride and ego have been bruised. I told Lady B it was humbling for me to stay at her house, even though I did buy some groceries and did cook some meals and we all shared doing things around the house. I am so use to being the caregiver and not the receiver, this is just a perception, the fact is we are equals in the relationship. What I am going through is very healthy for me, it is spiritually healthy. I am really applying the principle of living in the moment to my life, to take it a minute at a time, to smile, to pause, to see, to breathe. I am accepting the situations for what they are, just a part of life, the not so nice things are no reflection on me, they are things that happen to others as well. Being calm has allowed me to be Here for my mom and also my sister, being calm has also allow the spirit of my Dad to enter into me and do things the way he would have done them to the best of my ability. Being calm has allow me to be Here for Mich in her struggles and Angel. I see how the instability of what is happening with Mich effecting Angel, Angel was very clingy at the get together, she didn't have much to do with anyone other than me and Lady B, I think she was afraid someone was going to take her away from me and have her stay at their house. The calm has kept the thought of drinking or using far from my mind, even though I haven't made as many meetings as I usually do, no excuse just backed off and need to get back at them. I am still in constant contact with people in recovery and this weekend is the AA speaker event in which Lady B, her sponsor, grand sponsor and I are all attending. Maybe it is my pride but I am serene and don't miss people bombarding me with questions and concerns, maybe I just need a bit of time alone with me and my God or maybe this is just a messed up perception, whatever it is I am alright with it and have been on my guard against fleeting notions of tall cans of Bud Light.

"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power."

Well campers, time to get shower, wash some dishes, maybe do a bit outside since the wind isn't blowing, also do a tie dye. I hope all is going well for each and every one of you, you are all in my prayers.

Peace Love and Light

P.S the Realtor called, the sellers are going to do the work I asked for, so no need to worry about the repairs. Our God work's in our lives when we use the tools, when we become channels of calmness and peace, well just for this moment anyway, who knows what the next moment will bring.

Namaste to you and yours!!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Living by My Words

Hey all and hope everyone is surviving the amusement park ride called Life.

Well things have differently changed on this end of the blogsphere. I lost my job on Wednesday. I was fired for boundary violation, their words not mine.

We had a new client Monday, March 1st, he was an older black man, very stereotypical, large man from the projects of Chicago, shaved head and big earring. His counselor asked me to help him since he couldn't write do to a stroke, she warned me he could be intimidating, which is no big deal to me because his type are a dime a dozen in the military regardless of race. He tried to impress me with his criminal behavior but I kept refocusing him on his addiction. I treated him as an equal and did not patronize him, thus I earned his respect. I worked with him again Tuesday night. Tuesday when it was his turn for med's, he asked if he could talk to me, out of making him feel comfortable I shut the door to the nurses office almost completely. He told me he didn't think he could do treatment anymore, that he felt out of place, that staff had told him he was intimidating and that he didn't mean to be, that since he was older he didn't have anything in common with the younger people, he said he didn't feel safe because he was with a bunch of young white people who were a bit on the redneck side, he also said the treatment center felt like jail and he was use to being free. I told him to think about all the positive things treatment would do for him and also how his experience could help the young people, he appeared to be a bit calmer when he left. All this I wrote down in my progress note for him.

Well having a one on one with him behind closed doors was a no no. I honestly don't remember anyone telling me it was a huge no no. My thinking was, about making him feel comfortable enough to confide in me. My boss told me this wasn't something techs where allowed to do for his safety and mine. For what it is worth neither of us felt threatened by the other. My boss also told me that after only 2 days there is no way the client could have started trusting me and if he was acting that way there were alternative motives behind it, which there may have been but he wasn't trying to manipulate me, he just need someone he felt comfortable with listening to him. I never lived this guys life but I have known enough people in my time who have, so I had enough knowledge of hard street life to be understanding. My sponsor, the counselor, told me that my boss was wrong about this, that trust can be earned in a short period if by nothing else than being friendly and compassionate. I was wrong for what I did and accept my part in the offense. One bit of snotty comment, alcoholics and addicts can read patronizing and fearful attitudes like a well worn book, we dislike it and those that use it on us and yes we will use it against others as a defense for self protection, most of the treatment center staff were doing this to this guy, thus the other clients were feeding off it too. The other thing I did wrong of late was I held the hand of a woman who was having a seizure and didn't report it, I had watched a co-worker do this with her and it help her calm down and feel comforted, unknown to me the co-worker reported that he had done this. The treatment center is a "no touch" facility, which means we cannot touch the clients under any circumstances, my co-worker acknowledged breaking this rule. I felt that I was under such close scrutiny that I need not report this for my own well being, the guy that was with me when the seizure happened must have told the boss what I did, not to get me in trouble but to explain the whole incident to him. Once again my wrong and I accept responsibility. This happened Wednesday afternoon at 2pm.

To say this didn't upset me and make the squirrel cage in my head shift to turbo drive would be a lie and over the days since it has happened, I keep going over the time spent in the bosses office getting the news I was being terminated over in my head periodically but it is happening less often now. What I did after I got the news was contact Lady B and talk to her about the sadness I felt. I then got a hold of my sponsor, thanks to my God he was available for a change. Next I loaded some clothes and the pup in the car and headed back to my home town, where Lady B, my mom and my support group live. I told my sponsor I needed a couple of days to process what had happened and also be with people who know me best and have always been there for me, he agreed and thought it was a good idea.

It just so happened that on Thursday, my sister had made appointments for my mom to look at houses. I met my sister in the town mom was moving to ahead of meeting with my mom, told her what had happened and we both agreed that mom had too much to worry about already and that my being fired would be kept secret for the time being, as far as mom know I just had the day off. My God was working again because mom was very grateful I was there, I have a calming effect on her and she trust my judgement. We were able to find and purchase a house that day that mom really likes and was in her price range. Over the last few days I have been available to handle all the paperwork since I didn't have a job to go to, another little blessing.

I spent the weekend at Lady B's house. It was the first time we had spent that much time together and it was comfortable for both of us. She had a couple of previous commitments and when to them. I did a bit of job searching while I was there. Other than my little dog getting anxious about the new environment we had a great weekend together and grew from it. It cemented the compatibility that we have with each other some more. Neither of us put on fronts to please the other, if there were minor things that we didn't care for both of us accepted the other for being who we are. Lady B and my mom also got a chance to get to know each other better and they get along well. I know there may be squabbles down the road but for now we have a strong bond with each other and growing that bond will assist keeping it when and if the squabbles happen.

When I did tell my mom about the job situation she took it really well. She isn't worried too much about me since I have always worked and have a solid work history. She also said she thinks this could be a blessing in disguise.

I agree with my mom about the blessing in disguise. First off it was probably only a matter of time before I got fired. I was under a close magnifying glass. I tried really hard to follow the guidelines, I put my awareness on 10 but still there were just differences between treatment and recovery that created small hiccups on my part. My sister put it best when she said "it sounds like they wanted you to be a robot and not act out the compassion for the sick and suffering that is inside of you". None of the counselors or management are in recovery and only 2 tech are and one of those only works over nights. I was doing a fairly good job and staying anonymous with the clients, they could tell by what I said I was in recovery without me saying so and assisting them with meetings and suggestions about sponsorship. My sponsor told me and he may have been correct in this, that the counselors felt threatened by knowledge of the Big Book and 12 and 12 and my pressing the importance of these 2 books, along with other GSO approved material on the clients. AA saved my life and AA literature is a part of the life preserver, I feel it is for most people who are living in recovery. Did I knowingly break some rules yes but none that I consider biggies but there goes justification, plain and simple I broke rules. I thought I could make small changes within the treatment center to improve it and the treatment of the clients. I did have an impact, I won't cut myself short on this but the impact comes from my God via my voice. Hopefully I left a mark on some of my co-workers, giving them a better understanding of life in recovery, how the mind of an alcoholic and addict works, maybe they understand the difference between religion and spirituality better now. I will probably never know and trust God that I did my best in the 6 months I was there. I am richer for having spent time in this job, I have a bit of experience that may help me get another job in human services which is where I want to be career wise.

The positives about the timing of losing the job or losing the job in general are. One I still have most of my tax refund in the bank so I am not broke. It came at a time when my mom needs my assistance and I can now be there for her without conflict. That Lady B is in my life and I can't begin to express the gratitude for her love and support, for her sound reasoning a couple of times when I wasn't thinking straight. Granted I could have done this without the support of a companion but it did make it easier. As much as I love Lincoln, I am looking for jobs back home. Mom and Lady B are both right when they say Mich, Angel and Carter need me closer, not to enable but for support and stability. If I do move back home Lady B and I will establish boundaries at that time. My mom said she would be happier with me closer, just to be more available to help her with the little things and also so she can see me more often.

I am looking for jobs within an hour drive of my home town, Kearney. We have a regional clothing store chain that is putting in a new office, production plant and distribution center, I applied for a couple of opening there, in fields related to purchasing and inventory control which I have 15 years experience in. I have also applied for a job with the Nebraska Boys and Girls home, they are needing people to assist young people with independent living and also reunification and meeting reunification goals as set by the state. My work at the treatment center may help here and also the fact that Mich was a ward of the state for a number of years, so I understand and have practical experience in this field. I will also apply for clerical jobs and even medical aide jobs at assisted living facilities. It would be nice to have a full time job again and get 40 hours of work a week and sorry to say this 40 hours of income. I have enrolled for unemployment insurance, first time im my life, hopefully I won't need it for very long, it takes about 6 weeks to get your first check.

You may not believe this but I haven't let this situation get me down that much. The first night was the worse and I had a hard time shutting my brain down and mediating but since then I have been fairly able to refocus on the moment at hand. I have accepted what has happened, looked at my part in it. Have listened to God speak through Neil Young, Stevie Ray Vaughan and the voices of my teachers both in and out of recovery. As PG put it, I am standing in the hallway waiting for another door to open. I am doing the footwork to the best of my ability, using the spiritual tool kit which was laid at my feet when I put the bottle and the shovel down. Thick Nhat Hanh just taught me to smile at the red traffic lights and think of it as a way to pause and live in the moment at hand and not be worried about rushing to the next thing. Thanks Thay for being the greatest teacher on earth for this ex booze hound who in his hurried life of projecting the future and reliving the past can sometimes miss the Moment at hand.

I also owe a big thanks to all you bloggers, you share your experience, strength and hope with me. We are interdependent on this amusement park ride called Life. What you are going through and what I am going through may be different on the surface but under that is the need to stay peaceful, happy, loved and safe all without reverting back to our old self destructive selves. Take a look around you, life really isn't that bad because we have Hope because we have formed some kind of connect with a Power Greater than ourselves because we have people in our lives that are on the same path and dig us for being fellow travelers.

My love, blessings and prayers for all of you.
Peace Love and Light

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Living Life Right

I was going to title this something like, living sober makes life good, something with sober in the title but realized not all who read my blog are recovering/recovered alcoholics and addicts, that all of us when we live life right reap the rewards. I like to think of it as good Karma, but really it is all about being a kind, caring, compassionate person, about getting out of self and getting self out of the way about doing our best to live each day by universal spiritual principles. Yes my dad is still dead, Carter is still in ICU, my daughters boyfriend is still without a job, I am still on probation at my job, it is still a cold winter in Nebraska with snow on the ground and spring seem miles away but this is just life not bad things. I put my faith in my Higher Power, I do the footwork which includes spiritual footwork not just conversations with humans, I accept what happens to the best of my ability and move on. Maybe this sounds too easy, I have had my share of scrambled eggs for brains, mental masturbation gone wrong, fears and disappointments but I have kept pressing on, see where I have made mistakes if possible, meaning sometimes I don't see my mistakes until later. Being an obsessive compulsive drunk and druggie are just a small portion of what I am, so like other people I have personal quirks that need to be worked on daily and it seems by doing this life stays good even when the black cloud is over my head and my ass is getting beaten down by torrential rain. Maybe my life is going so good right now that I am Mr. Little Ray of Sunshine and maybe that ray will brighten your day even if I piss you off with my good fortune of late.

First off, Carter is up to 3 pounds, once he is 3.5 pounds they will take the top off the incubator. He is growing and is on schedule to be released in mid April. Hopefully I will be able to hold him in a few weeks.

Angel is still Angel, growing learning and staying happy except when grandpa is an asshole and doesn't let her play with something she really wants to play with or look at; cell phone, camera, pretty tea cups from Korea.

Matt, my daughters boyfriend, may have a job soon. It is such a cluster of words coming from them on this, that I have to fight off being negative and doubting his chance for the job and his ability to hold the job. I have to really work on finding the positives in him and wishing him the best, I pray for him and some days that is the best I can do. God will take care of them financially because dad won't, enabling won't fix the problem only delay the lesson in life.

Just over 2 weeks ago I helped my mom put her house on the market. My mom has decided to move to a town closer to my oldest sister and also where a couple of her sisters live. Now that I have moved to Lincoln and my youngest sister has moved to Oregon, other than mom having one sister close there isn't anyone close to check on her or take her places if need be. My mom is 80, she is still able to live on her own but her mind slips on occasion, she gets confused and she gets lonely. My aunt has been great since I have moved but my aunt has her own life, kids, grand kids and her and her husband like to travel a few times a year so she isn't always available to check on mom. My oldest sister will be really good about seeing mom at least once a week, taking her shopping or out to eat, she hasn't done this in the past because she is 2 hours away and money is tight, the town mom is moving to is only 30 minutes away from her now. When I put the house on the market I did it just to get the ball rolling, figured it would be a couple of months before any serious action started to happen, I was wrong. The house was shown 3 times in 2 weeks, Sunday I received a call from the realtor and some people made an offer, I countered the offer with an April 15Th closing date and just like that the house was sold, well contingent upon loan approval and such, people have $20,000 for a down payment. This blow me away and it also shocked my mom, who even though she knows she needs to move and wants to move is still anxious about all this. Now the fun of finding mom a new home. My oldest sister is taking care of this since driving 225 miles house hunting is out of the picture for me plus it is something my sister enjoys and gives her a sense of purpose. I have been handling all my parents affairs for the last few years, with only a small bit of involvement from my sisters, so my sister probably feels a bit left out and jealous at times. My sister and I have been communicating over the phone, she is letting me know about a couple of different houses she has viewed, telling my her thoughts and concerns, so she is being honest with me which I appreciate. She knows my concerns are more about furnace, central air, plumbing, windows, electrical and those types of things. Mom doesn't have a lot of money to spend, we are rolling the money from the sale of her house into the new house. We have both said that in the end it is mom's choice, we have both agreed not to push mom into something she doesn't want and I pray it stays this way. My sister in Oregon is more pushy and I am glad she is there right now, she is selfish and opinionated to a fault, if she was here I am afraid there would be some butting of heads no matter how kind and compassionate I try to be, I am very protective of my mom, her wants and financial concerns. I do my best to look after her interest and keep my own to myself except in matters concerning her well being such as convincing her the move is beneficial, which she knows just doesn't like changes like the rest of us.

The last couple of days I have really been missing my dad. I am doing what he use to do. I am taking his place and it is a bit scary. The shoes I am filling are really big. I have come to believe his spirit is with me and guiding me, that through all our ups and downs he taught me well and that I paid close enough attention to become a good student and do things the way he would have done them. Typing this fills my eyes with tears, they are good tears for a man I love and miss and know would be proud of me even though he couldn't say it, those kinds of words just weren't what my dad was about. So I am facing a bit more of the grieving process, it isn't wonderful but it is good.

Alright now to Lady B. We are partner's now. My willingness to follow her boundaries, to respect her wishes, completed the circle of attraction in her heart, now it is physical, emotional and spiritual. We have commited to being in an intimate and caring relationship with each other based on mutual respect, communication and understanding. She told me she was looking for a partner, she didn't want to be someones property, she wants someone that will respect her decisions and her independence, she said she found that someone in me and was willing to take the chance. She did a lot of soul searching and her heart kept going to me. Our continued conversations helped because I didn't stop caring once she told me about her boundaries. Friday night we went out for supper, then took a movie back to the house she shares with another woman, we watched the movie on her bed. I asked her if it was alright to put my arm around her and pull her close and she said yes. To make a long story short we spent the night together, it was gentle and compassionate, it was mutual. I asked her if what she was doing was something she wanted to do and not something she was going to regret in the morning and she assured me it was. I told her about all the little things I liked about her, the things I find attractive. I think she was a bit afraid I was going to leave her and finish the night at Mich's apartment because she thanked me for spending the night. It is sad to think she has been in a position where a guy has made love to her then left, it is sad to think she was worried about me using her. I am a bit different that some people in that I don't do one night stands, getting intimate for me is more than just a one night ordeal, it is about wanting to have something special with someone for a greater period of time if possible. She told me this morning her heart belongs to me and mine to her. I hear saying "awe this is so sweet" but right now that is how it is. Just noticed that I still have a bit of the cynic in me when it comes to love. I like how Lady B makes me feel, how she makes me happy. I know that my happiness isn't contingent upon having a loving relationship with a woman but I have also lived alone for a long damn time without having a partner or lover, that I can do this again if it happens. I also feel that all of us have a natural need to have someone special in our lives and that when that person comes along we need to take the chance and be with that person.

The 135 miles between our houses is a good thing for both of us. She gets to keep her independence, she gets a chance to get to know herself without me being around too much, that she doesn't have worry about spending the night with her family on her own, which is important to her. She gets to break this relationship in gradually to her 8 year old son, give him time to get to know me and me time to get to know him. We can grow together just as easily over the miles as we can being 5 minutes away. I get to learn how to love someone without smothering them. To trust her, to work on my insecurities, to understand that even thought we may not visually see each other daily that we are in each others thoughts daily, via the simple things like text messages and short conversations. She is a proud lady and doesn't want me to buy things for her or rush in and help her with any little problems. This is great for me because I have a bad habit of buying things to show I care and it can cause me financial troubles. I did tell her not to be afraid to ask me for help, if she needs something mechanical done that she thinks I might be able to do. I was honest with her about my buying things to show I care, I told her for once the alcoholic pride was a good thing, she smiled at me and told me every time I wanted to buy her something to put the money in an envelope and use it to pay off some of my debt. The distance between us will make the time we do have together that much more special, it will be a time to share more intimate things about each other and the physical contact with also be more passionate because it is something to be savored and not rushed out of familiarity. She is coming to Lincoln in a couple of weeks, with her sponsor and grand sponsor to an AA event filled with speakers and fellowship. She is going to stay at my house, I have to work the first shift on Saturday but we will have all Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday morning to spend together. Her sponsor and grand sponsor are both good friends of mine so it will be a great weekend over all. This will probably be the next time we are able to together and you know what, even though there is a yearning in our hearts to see each other sooner we are both alright with this, because is it just something we have to get use to, it is part of the partnership, the commitment to being in a relationship with each other.

All of these wonderful things are happening in my life because I believe I am doing my best to live my life the way the Divine Spirit of the universe wants me to live. I do my best on a daily bases to get out of self, I do my best to live by the prayer of St. Francis, the 3rd step prayer and follow the Eightfold Path of the Buddha. That by doing these things, I am given good Karma, that my actions are a reflection on what is happening in my life. A bad day is only as bad as I make it, and I do make some days bad, enlightenment is still a long ways off. This is also reflected in my work with the clients, there is an inter strength the guides me, this strength allows me to touch those who are open to it, this strength comes from my God and not from Scott. Everything is about my God working through me and It benefits others on occasion. Yes not drinking and using drugs is a huge part of this but it is also a small part of this too. If leave my spiritual path everything I have written about will disappear and I have to make sure my feet are firmly planted on this path.

My prayers are still with all of you, I spend my love and blessing your way. Take my hand and let us walk together on this journey we call life.

Peace Love Light and Hugs