11th Step comes to Life

The 11th Step Comes to Life


I denounced the Christianity of my upbringing sometime around 15, as my interest in history, world cultures and social activist grew so did my skepticism with Christianity. I could not accept that anyone who didn’t believe in the blood atonement of the prophet Jesus of Nazareth would be condemned to a life in a so called Hell or eternal damnation. I didn’t seek out a different path of spiritualization I just put any thoughts of spirituality out of my mind except when I read about people of a spiritual nature. By the time I was 16 my budding Alcoholism was took off full force and my only real interest was the obsession to drink as often as possible and of course the typical 16 year boy stuff like girls and music. Sometimes in a drunken stupor I would talk about theology or philosophy which isn’t a good thing to do at a party or when trying to attract someone of the opposite sex. I called myself an Atheist but in reality I was Agnostic or a Theosophist like Voltaire, I believed in something but wasn’t sure what it was.

In 1982 during a period of mandatory abstinent from alcohol, thanks to the U.S. Air Force, I was hiking by myself in the Rocky Mountains. I stopped to rest on an outcrop of rock overlooking a vast valley, my eyes were open to all the amazing colors and formations, my ears were open to a multitude of sounds, I smelled the earth, air, vegetation and everything else, my mind was opened to a belief in a Divine Creator, one that created all that is of nature. This creator wasn’t male or female but completely androgynous because I was aware of both aspect of atypical male and atypical female all around me. It was on this outcrop of rock that I had my first spiritual experience.

Fast forward 5 years when the combination of fear, loneliness, and depression fueled by heavy daily drinking brought my shuffling feet through the door of an AA meeting. I honestly don’t remember much about those first few meetings other than the guys there seemed really happy, they were openly talking about their feelings and complications in life and how they dealt with them without drinking, they understood the alcohol induced depression I was living in and they offered me Hope. The other thing I noticed was that the 3rd and 11th steps said “God as we understood Him”, cool finally a group that would allow me to believe in my own concept of God, a God without creeds, man made images or rituals.

Over the course of my next 9 years of continuous sobriety my spirituality didn’t grow much beyond my belief in a Divine force in the universe. I would say a prayer of thanks in the morning and before I went to sleep, say a pray of thanks when even the smallest good fortune came my way like a green light when I really needed one, I said the Serenity Prayer to help me calm down in tense situations but that was pretty much it. I never took a close look at the 11th step nor truly added it to my daily practice of recovery. I attended meetings in small towns in rural Nebraska and bit by bit I started getting resentful towards people who used the Christian implied concept of God too much when they shared and if someone talked about Jesus too much I would be filled with unspoken rage. Notice how I said “unspoken” I just did. That’s right my fear of sharing what was really going on inside had returned and I was afraid to tell anyone my feels, this is one of 2 big secrets I keep, I figured no one would understand or they would try and sway my beliefs toward theirs. AA was my safe haven and my only social life so I sure didn’t want to risk losing it but something was happening inside me that I wasn’t aware of but the Big Book talks about on pages 151 and 152. I was becoming that dry drunk who would give anything to take a couple of drinks and get away with it, at meetings I was happy and friendly but really I was whistling in the dark. I wasn’t happy in AA, my marriage was a mess, I had financial troubles, I wasn’t really happy with my job and since I was a member of the Air Guard I was hanging around people on a monthly bases who “drank with impunity” I reached the jumping off point, picked up a 6 pack of beer and jumped. I didn’t land for 10 years and then it was at a treatment center and I didn’t land on my feet either I might add.

In my first few months back in active recovery and regular attendance at AA meetings I was comfortable with being reunited with the God of my understanding, it took a big lesson in comparing my insides with others outside for this to happen though, understanding my perceptions can be a great butt kicking tool if I use it. But something inside of me was telling me I needed more, this time I heard the voice and heeded it.

When I read the 11th step in the Twelve and Twelve the prayer of St. Francis really struck me hard and I had an awaking. I am sure I had read it a few times before in my past life of recovery either at a step study meetings or in private but I must have never given it any thought or wasn’t ready to hear the message. Even though the prayer was written by a wonderful Christian man, I saw it in an Eastern religious light, I have always had an interest in Taoism and Buddhism and other than reading the Tao a few times I have never looked deeper at either one. So with my new personal interpretation of St. Francis’s pray I set out to explore Buddhism and in doing so the 11th step came to life for me. Thanks to my new found willingness, the internet, an online friends in recovery who are Buddhist and 2 awesome teachers via their books, His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh, I began a new spiritual journey. By incorporating basic Buddhist practices with my AA practices of regular meetings, service worker, working with new comers, living the steps, reading AA literature, I have discovered an awesome way to improve my conscience contact with the God of my understanding and live life on live terms in relative peace and serenity. I still have anxieties, anger and all the rest of the emotions that come with life but bit by bit I am able to manage the emotions and not let them take away my happiness. I have found new tools that help me daily to accept people I don’t like and to deal with negativity and intolerance in the work place or the world in general. Like it says in the Big Book it is about spiritual progress not spiritual perfection, I can’t have 20 years of spiritual bliss until I have lived 20 years in spiritual bliss.

My concept of God hasn’t changed much since I sat on that mountain outcrop but my spirituality has. This is thanks to working all the steps this time around and not leaving out the 11th. Using a combination of what is written in the Big Book, the prayer of St. Francis and a conscience effort towards unselfishness, compassion, right mindfulness, right speech, right view, right intentions, right livelihood, right concentration, right effort, right action, I am aware of my inter self and how it effects me and those I come in contact with and what I need to do to improve my way of thinking and acting.. If I am intolerant towards those who show intolerance towards me then it is me who suffers and if I am suffering then I am not able to be a channel of peace, love and tolerance. I have faith that as long as I do these things then I won’t reach that jumping off place again.