Using the Rearview Mirror

This was written in April of 2007 and published in November 2007 in the AA magazine the Grapevine

Using the Rear View Mirror

I recently chaired a meeting of relatively newcomers. The italicized paragraph from page 24 of the Big Book was read, which lately the Higher Power has had me hear quite a bit for reasons that will be explained later. The topic turned to our egos and how that when things are going well in sobriety our egos get inflated and soon goes from the “We” program to the “Me” program. One lady with a little over a year was talking about how good things were, how her scare with cancer proved to be benign, and how people always said nice things about her, yet the desire to drink had been increasing, not a heavy craving just the subtle “wouldn’t a whatever” variety of desire. Then she started talking about her troubles backing her car out of her driveway and she said “Maybe I need to use the rearview mirror,” which struck me as one of the most profound things I have heard in a meeting lately and here is why.
I was introduced to the Fellowship in 1987. I was 24 years old and stationed at Kunsan AB Republic of Korea. I was an emotional wreck and the rest of me wasn’t that healthy either. I drank daily and was even drinking prior to work. I am one of those who felt he never completely fit in with others, my taste and ideals are outside of the status quo. Beer and cheap wine were the magical potions that allowed me to change my personality so that even being still a bit of an oddball I could fit into most social circles. By age I was 24 the magic had worn off though and I took a sharp pocket knife to my wrist. A mental health professional who is a friend of the Fellowship told me my problem wasn’t that I was outside of the norm but that I was an Alcoholic and couldn’t handle life on life’s terms. So out of fear for my career and a sense of nothing left to lose I walked into a little tin shed with an old oil heater for my first meeting, I felt welcome and after a couple of meetings I knew I had found a place where I belonged. My fellow Airmen and Soldiers were “happy, joyous and free”. They shared their feelings and how they had found a way to live life and accept themselves and their circumstances. Something else grabbed my attention right from the start and that was the 3rd step. I was raised to believe that you had to be involved in organized religion to have a clear connection to God. I have always believed in a Divine Creator but believe It is the same for everyone, Christian, Jews, Moslems, Native Americans, Pagans etc. That AA meeting was the first place I had ever been to where it was acceptable to believe in a God of my own understanding, and worship as I see fit. Like a lot of other people Chapter 4 of the Big Book is about me and it saved my butt.
For the next 8 years I was active in the Fellowship, even though I relocated a few times. I generally attended 3 meetings a week, sometimes more but rarely less. I was involved in service work, always had and used a sponsor, applied the steps and traditions to my life, read the literature and truly enjoyed living a sober life as a member of AA. I met and married a fellow traveler and in 1991 we adopted a little girl at birth. By 1996 the marriage was over mainly due to my wife’s disease coming back hard and heavy, although I did have my part to play in the marriage going bad. My daughter and I moved to another town. Since taking her to meetings with me wasn’t as easy as before, and since I didn’t know many people, I gradually stopped going to meetings. You guessed it. I stopped doing all those other things too.
Sometime in 1997 I was shopping and thought a beer would taste good but knew regular beer was dangerous, so I bought a 6-pack of NA beer. That .01% was enough to bring the disease back to life. It took a few years to return to serious heavy drinking but I did go back to where I left off and then some. I drank to become numb, to deaden my feelings about my ex-wife’s suicide from drug addiction and my feelings of letting her down, to deaden my feelings of inadequacy as a single parent, and once again I drank to fit in with others. With the help of some good enablers I never drank myself to the poor house. I held onto a good job and even retired from the Air Guard.
In 2005 I got my first DUI, eleven months later my second DUI followed with my first stay in jail. My daughter was temporarily put into foster care, yet I continued to drink daily, basically if I wasn’t working I was drinking regardless of the risk or consequences. In November 2006 I was arrested for a bad check charge. While laying on that bench bed, I made a decision to enter a treatment program even though I wasn’t totally willing to quit drinking. Fact is I couldn’t quit without being isolated from alcohol and my daily routine. Once in treatment I was reunited with the program and fellowship I once loved so much. I was also reunited with some close friends in recovery from the old days and they welcomed me back with open arms. One of them is now my sponsor and taking me through the Steps again. The zeal I once had has returned and I am back to being active, back to doing service work, attending 3-5 meetings a week, using my sponsor, reading the literature, spending time with the guys in the local half-way house. and reaching out to the God of my Understanding who thankfully never left me. I am rebuilding a damaged relationship with my teenage daughter. I am learning how to be a parent and she is learning how to be parented, a hard process for both of us, but one day at a time it is getting better. The scars from my ex-wife’s death are slowly starting to heal and the guilt is subsiding. I once again accept who I am inside and out.
Ten years ago I stopped using the rearview mirror; I stopped checking on what I had left behind and where I had been. I became complacent and that complacency rendered me defenseless against the first drink. The “yet’s” became a reality. I don’t regret what I learned in those 10 years because I am can pass on my experience to others and hopefully help prevent someone else from living that reality. I can remember to use the rearview mirror only by living a life in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and by doing what the winners do.