Thursday, April 29, 2010

Move is Done

Well Lady B and I got everything moved Saturday. The weather was the shits to put it bluntly, rain off and on and nasty winds. We left Lincoln at 5:30pm and got into North Platte at 10:30pm finished unloading just after midnight. My old truck was a bugger to drive, she didn't like the wind and finally I got tired of the interstate and we took a 2 lane highway the last 90 miles. The old truck made it without any troubles for which I am grateful!! She looks rough as hell but runs great, minus no gas gauge, cruise control and a flaky speedometer. I finished getting the stuff out of the shed on Monday and the last cleaning done also, spent Monday night at Lady B's and have been in North Platte since Tuesday. I have most of the unpacking done, just have my cd's left to unpack and alphabetize again. Glad mom has the nice shed, I have a bunch of stuff in it with a bit more to go.

Still nothing on the job. I dropped off job apps at some of the motels in town, they need front desk help so maybe with my people skills I can get some work for a while. I also applied for food stamps, figured I have been paying taxes for over 30 years so I might as well take advantage of what I have contributed too and get a bit of assistance. It might take another 4 weeks for the exemption to be approved or denied. If it is denied I will start pounding the street for a long term job.

Oh yeah I am using the public libraries WiFi, feel much more comfortable in here and it is quiet also.

Mich and the kids are doing well from what she has told me. Carter will probably go home next week. He will need to be on a heart monitor. As far as they can tell he is seeing normally. Angel is alright also. I miss my little girl something fierce! Once Mich moves back to Kearney I will take Angel for the weekend, we have some cuddling to catch up on.

Lady B and I both commented on how strange it will be with me not living with her. We have really got along well, only a couple of hiccups and that was just a misunderstanding of how we react to certain things. We complement each other, something her sponsor commented on. I calm her down, keep her focused on living in the now and not worrying about the future. She in turns pushes me to ask for assistance's from agencies and where to find free things. She also doesn't want anything from me and pays for our meals sometimes because she knows I can't afford them.

My inter peace is good. When the anxiety hits I just stop and breathe as soon as I can, look at the fear, see what footwork I can do if any and move on. Once again the 12 steps are a plan for living and just not about putting the bottle down. If I am living the steps I can handle all the crazies life gives me with relative peace and serenity. Nothing is overwhelming, which is a switch from the drunken daze when everything was overwhelming. I will go to a meeting tonight and hopefully within a few weeks I will start finding meetings I really like and can be a part of.

Well campers but get back to business. My prayers are still with you all. Tomorrow I will post some long past due comments. May your God bless and keep you safe, may you find serenity in the storms, may you love each other and show compassion.

Peace Love and Light

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Coming Together

Hey campers, I hope each and everyone of you is going well. Sorry I can't post comments on your post like I use to but hopefully in a few weeks I will be back to regular routines.

I just got back from Omaha. The court hearing for Mich and the babies was this morning. For now she gets custody back, she will be watched 24 hours a day for now under the supervision of a case worker. This is a compromise deal made between her public defender and the state. What her PD is trying to do make this a case about a young mother under a lot of pressure due to having a special needs baby and not always being able to focus on the toddler. Which in essence is what is really happening. With Carter in ICU, it is hard to take Angel with her all the time and sometimes Angel gets mad about going in there and throws a temper tantrum. Mich is having a bit of a hard time with balancing them both. If all goes the way it was outlined this morning, Mich will be back in Kearney in a couple of weeks with both kids, she will be getting special aid from DHHS to assist her with taking care of both babies. The case will be review in a couple of weeks and the final descion made at that time, contingent upon how things go. This was a "win win" compromise, the state still gets to monitor and see if Mich is neglecting Angel and Mich gets to have the babies with her instead of them going into a foster home. I am unable to provide the daily contact the state wants Mich and Angel to have since I am moving 80 miles away and am with out a steady income at this time. Angel also needs to be with her mommy and even grandpa instead of living with a stranger. I get very sad when I thinking about my baby and how confusing this must all be to her.

Carter's father Matt is out of the picture as far as getting custody is concerned. Besides his criminal record, he would fail a UA, his parents house where he lives would not be approved for children because it is a nasty mess, also his parent and him work long hours. It isn't that we don't want Matt involve in his son's life it is just not in the best interest of Carter.

I will be loading the car up shortly. I took one load down last Saturday. Thank God for a station wagon because I can load quite a bit in it and also on top. It looks Beverly Hillbillies as hell but it works. This weekend Lady B and me are coming down to do the last load and finish cleaning.

I moved my mom last week. She is happy with her new home. She has given me rein over the yard and shed. The shed is awesome, with plenty of room for my stuff and hers, so me moving into an apartment isn't biting too hard. This will be the first time since the late 80's I haven't had a yard. Mom's yard is wonderful with nice flower beds and a spot for a vegetable garden, this will be my baby and I will take good care of it.

Well I am still in limbo on the job. Since I will be transporting kids all over the state of Nebraska, the agency I will be working for has to file an exemption due to having 2 DUI's in a short period of time. They want me and I want to work for them so we are proceeding, it could take 4 to 6 weeks for the exemption to be approved. If need be they will contact AA members for references, people who will vouch for me and my dedication to recovery and helping others. in the mean time I will have to find a part time job because the money is running out. There are a lot of hotels in North Platte so maybe I can land a job working at the front desk. There are also temp agencies and stores looking for help. Just another case of trusting my God and doing the footwork.

All is good with Lady B and me. I realized yesterday driving down how nice it has been living with someone again and how I am going to miss the daily contact. It made me understand that as much as I don't care for it I have a codepent side to me. I still do the happy house husband gig, keeping dishes, laundry and cleaning up while she works and cooking. Doing this during this time of not working has been a God sent, if I was staying alone in Lincoln I would be smoking way too much and blowing money I don't have just to stay entertained, granted the weather is finally nice enough for me to spend time in the parks and there are meetings but not enough to keep me busy on long dazes.

I admit I am stubborn about wanting to work in the social services field and holding out a bit longer than I should but since I am able I don't want to start a job to turn around and quit because a job in a field I really want to work in comes along.

On the recovery front. I have a speaking gig tomorrow night with a couple of ladies. We are talking to the nursing college about alcoholism and recovery. This is an informal panel lecture that I started a couple of years ago, so since my schedule is open I was asked to speak again with my friends who have done the past lectures with me. This is an honor and I love talking to the students. Nurses are on the front line in the medical field and really need to understand alcoholism. They need to understand the insanity of it, the selfishness of the active alcoholic and also how the alcoholic can get better.

Well I better get may ass in gear. Take care me friends. Remember nothing is permanent even if we feel the storm is going to last forever it never does, even rocks change over time.

Peace, Love and Light in fellowship of the Spirit

Thanks for all your prayers, positive energy and what ever mojo you are sending my way and those in my life!!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

A little sadness

While Lady B lays sleeping, catching up on some much needed rest I will peck out a quick post and free my head a bit. I talk things out but writing seems to help a lot too. The more I let things out the less power they have over me, the more I see the emotions for what they are and the easier it is to find the middle path with them.

We are in Lincoln, we came down yesterday afternoon. We have packed up about 3/4 of the house. Lady B took on the kitchen while I worked on the shed. All the books are packed, all the nick knacks and keep sake, now just the music and odds and ends. I am going to load up the car with something to take back to Kearney, then on to North Platte Thursday when we move mom there, she has a nice big shed I can store stuff in. Lady B talked me into dumpster diving for boxes, I bought some from U Haul and she freaked out, told me to go to the recycle bins and get them, which I did. Some reason I really hate asking for boxes at stores, just feel ashamed to ask for them, there is a sickness with my pride and low self esteem in there somewhere.

Yesterday between 5-6pm we got a call from Mich. The cops where called on her for alleged child abuse. Angel had a couple of unusual bruises and a bit mark that Mich couldn't explain, so the police and child protective services where called. One of the bruises was over a week old from when she took a tumble on the concrete, the other one was from her having a temper tantrum and banging her head on the floor. Mich thinks the bit mark comes from one of the kids she was playing with. When Mich called she was upset and they where taking Angel to the ER to check her out. At around 10pm Mich called again and said they were going to take Angel into protective custody. Lady B and I throw on out clothes and hauled ass to Omaha. When we got to Omaha the x-ray's and cat scan had all been done and didn't show anything. One would think that this would be enough to allow Angel to go back with Mich but it wasn't. CPS had an emergency foster care lady there and would not allow Angel to come with Lady B and me or return to Mich's care. They said they need to do a background check on us first and also since I was in between house that I didn't have a stable home right now. Also that they wanted Angel and Mich to see each other every day, which isn't easy with what I have going on this week. Lady B and I asked and suggested everything question possible to try and find a way for Angel to go with us. We told them Angel was going through some hard times right now and she was just showing her confusion and anger the only way a 20 month knows how. None of this worked and Angel was taken, it broke my heart big time. Monday Angel will be examined by a doctor who specializes in child abuse to determine if Mich was telling the truth which I believe she is because Mich isn't violent and also she is very protective of Angel. If the doctor says the bruise our just normal toddler bruises then Mich gets Angel back but still has to be monitored until a judge makes his final ruling, which could take a couple of weeks. Because of this Mich is also limited on seeing Carter and has to be monitored when she is with them.

I can't worry too much about all of this. I can do the footwork needed though. Lady B and I both gave the CPS worker all our information, so that they can run a background checks on us and Lady B's house can be checked out as a place for Angel to live if need be until I have my apartment in North Platte. We just have to trust that this is a mistake and CPS will see this. Mich is livid with the over zealous nurse who turned this in, the nurse was just going her job. Mich has to keep her mouth shut during all of this, she was F-bombing all over the place last night, which probably looked bad. I am sure that when Mich dumped Carter's father and then started hanging out with another guy this gave a bad impression on the nursing staff. Mich also has an attitude about the assistance they are trying to give her, she says she knows how to take care of an infant and doesn't need their advice.

Even though it doesn't sound like it, we where there for Mich also. She needed our presents and support. We gave her all the love and strength we could.

I am grateful that Lady B and I where in Lincoln yesterday when all this went down, so that we where able to make it to Omaha in 45 minutes instead of 3 hours. Like Lady B said we need to be there as adult voices for Angel's best interest even if we didn't get our way, at least we tried and made a presents, one the young CPS worker note and wasn't able to bully like she was going with Mich. We where calm but assertive. Lady B and I both know people in CPS in other counties and will be in touch with them Monday as well as pressing to get the report from the doctor ASAP so we know what is going on. The lady I am going to start working for can help me also.

So even if I am a bit said to see my baby Angel under more confusion and stress, I am somewhat at peace. I know she is safe, that this shouldn't last very long. Mich only has a couple more weeks in Omaha, so even if for some reason Angel can't return to her, Angel can come live with me. I will bust my butt to make sure of this.

Still waiting for the official job hiring, plus there was a hiccup with the apartment, I had to have my mom co-sign, my old landlord was pissed because I broke the lease and said some negative and untrue things about me being late on rent, I was never over 6 days late but he said I was 10 days late a few times. Pissed me off but nothing I could do about it. If all goes well I will be in North Platte in 2 weeks. I have mom's move Wednesday and Thursday. I just keep pulling myself back to living in the moment whether it is the mess with Mich and Angel, the delay with the job or hiccups with an apartment.

Well Lady B is up and she has started cleaning, so I need to get my butt in gear.

Peace Love and Light to ALL

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Short update

These are photo's from the upcoming movie "Lawn Ornament Hell". This is an actual apartment complex in North Platte Nebraska. I had made an appointment to see an apartment here over the phone, Lady B and I pulled up 10 minutes early for the appointment and spent those 10 minutes laughing our asses off. We had never seen so many lawn ornaments in our lives in a yard, there were small creatures, cartoon and TV figures, bridges, benches and all kinds of stuff. The inside was just as bad, there were cherubs on the walls leading up to the apartment, also the walls were covered with all kinds of stuff, every inch of the hot water heater had a frig magnet on it, the laundry room was painted purple and yellow. The only way to describe this place was surreal. There is no way an active alkie or doper could live there, they would just freak out. The landlady was very sweet and I am sure it is good place for someone to live but not me.

I am still in limbo, waiting for the background check from the state patrol to come back so I can get my job officially. This delay has worked in my favor because I have been able to help mom out with getting ready for her move. I have an apartment locked in, probably move the last weekend of the month. My days are up and down, I try to stay busy, cook, clean and do laundry for Lady B. Also hitting a meeting every couple of days.

Things are still going well with Lady B. I am having to remember how selfish a spoiled 8 year old can be. Lady B's son isn't that much different than Mich was at this age, basically Lady B made some of the same mistakes I did in compensating for having the other parent be still messed up and having spent time being messed up also. Lady B is doing her best and working on correcting some of the problems in a consistent but slow manner, not going over board and creating more troubles.

I had a good Easter. I had Angel over the weekend, Mich and her new boyfriend came down Sunday afternoon. We had Easter at Lady B's mom's with her sister and kids. It was a good time and I like her family.

Nothing really else. I keep stopping when I need to, breathing and reflecting, seeking awareness and a connection with the God of my understanding.

Hope all of you are well. I will try to comment on post and messages as soon as I can. I don't like hanging out at Lady B's work for too long and I am still not into this going to a restaurant and going on line, just seems strange to me plus I am uncomfortable stilling alone in a restaurant typing on a laptop, guess this is just one of those fears I am unwilling to face and do something about.

Peace Love and Light