New toy, Fellowship & Solution

 This is the Wendy, so named after my friend who put her girliness aside and used the nasty outhouse at the Sober Float campground but expressed gratitude when someone allowed her to use the potty in his camper. Some of the places we camp are isolated with only outhouse's available, in searching for a camper one of the must was a working toilet, not just for Wendy but for everyone, yours truly included.

 If you look at the picture above and this one, you will notice a shower curtain. The bathroom has a hand held shower, so you can wrap the curtain around the bathroom and take shower to wash the dirty and grime off. I have never been in a small camper before and didn't know what the shower if any would be like. I can assure you this will come in hand.

 This is the couch and also Angle claimed it as her bed, it is wide enough for 1 person to sleep comfortabily enough on. The bit on the top folds down to make a bunk bed, if I still have the camper in years to come, Angel or Carter can sleep up there. Kitchen has a 3 burner stove/oven, double sink, there is a little fold up extension counter as well. I wasn't able to get the frig to work, I will have to check out circuit breakers and fuses. It may work off of propane but I need to replace the bottles first to check that out.

 Table folds down and cushions pull out to make a bed, big enough for 2 smaller people and just right for me. Table will come in handy for playing cards or just hanging out around/meetings, if the weather turns nasty, plus place to put food on for meals.

1980 camper, 19ft long, bought it for $1700.00. The AC works, I need to pull the awning out in the next few days to check it out, it has been too windy here to do it yet, the awning itself is worth $350.00. I bought this from a guy who was selling it for another guy as part of an estate settlement. The camper has been in a shed most of it's life, so the outside is in good condition for it's age. The propane tanks are old and need up dated, because of this I wasn't able to check out the furnace, hot water heater, stove or frig on gas. I am trusting they work because the camper was owned by an older couple and they took good care of it from what I can tell, plus I trust the farmer who sold it to me, yes blind trust. I was shocked to find an owners manual with it. I know enough about gas systems to clean and fix most problems I may have, thank you Dad. New tanks are only $20.00 and a connecting hose is $10.00. Tires will need replaced before we venue too far from home, remember I travel a lot in rural Nebraska where most of the towns are small and finding a place to fix a flat after 5:30pm is almost impossible, plus on some stretches it is 20 miles or more between towns, trailer tires are less expensive than car tires, so this isn't a big expense. I will also replace the curtains and rods, couple of the curtains were stained, tried to wash but that didn't work. Mich and J suggested new cushion covers since the current ones are a green pattern, older and less attractive pattern, not sure on this one, depends on cost, think the couch will just get a throw blanket on it. Used campers for less than $2000 are hard to come by, the ones I found on Craigslist were being snatched up within a couple of days of being posted. I wasn't able to find any close to home, I found this one in a town 125 miles away, closer to Lincoln, took off work Tuesday to check it out. Since I had the funds available I was rather obsessed with buying a camper now plus the closer to spring the hard to find and the more people would be wanting for them.

The 4 guys who traveled with me Saturday to pick it up are all part of our Happy Campers camping group. We had a good time visiting, talking recovery and thoughts on summer camping outings. J and I at least will start doing some scouting trips on Sundays to check out various camping areas, places that offer enough privacy for campfire meetings plus have things to do like swimming, hiking or canoe-ing, I found inflatable canoes on Amazon for a reasonable price so will get one about May. The nice thing about our group is not only do we enjoy fellowship we are also living in the solution via working the steps, regular meeting attendance and working with others. We have some new people who want to go camping with us this years which is great.

Awe yes living in the solution! I have been going over to my backup sponsors house on Tuesday afternoons. We are listening to the Joe and Charlie Big Book discussion, which basically is about taking the steps. I feel it is healthy for me to review steps and even take a new 4th and 5th steps. Working with C and listening to the tapes are giving me new perspectives on the Big Book, steps and recovery in general. My sponsor is a wonderful man and we went through the steps rather thoroughly, I have changed in recovery, the person I was when I was new is different than the one I am today. C and I have more in common in a lot of ways than my sponsor, so working the steps with her allows me to work through some of my challenges more closely with someone who has been there, my sponsor likes this idea, so I am not back dooring him. Yes C is a woman, mid 60's, she has gone through some of the same spiritual challenges I have, faced the same social challenges, a veteran, she has 35 years sobriety and experience to share with me and others.

One of the things we have been talking about is, fellowship verses solution. She feels sometimes there is too much emphasis placed on fellowship; dances, potluck speaker meetings, camp-outs and social events and not enough on working the steps. It is through working the steps that a spiritual awakening happens. I am a person who promotes social functions so I had to sit back and think about my prospectives on this. The group of people I hang out with attend social events but we also work the steps, use sponsors and are active in the groups we attend via helping the newcomer. I forget that others who promote social events don't always do this, so the newcomer gets the wrong message. What this brought home to me was, when I share about social events I also need to place equal emphasis on working the steps and the solution which is to find a God of ones own understanding via the steps which will remove the compulsion to drink on a daily bases.

Fellowship saved my ass the first time around, getting sober on a remote Air Force base in South Korea it was essential to be with others in recovery. The guys who helped me get sober showed me how to live without alcohol and how to basically work the steps. Later on I really didn't work the steps I just went to meetings, I went for more of a social club and not as a place for spiritual growth. In doing this I believe this created the breakdown which enable me to pick up the first drink. I have said it before I never really worked the 11th step and needed to do another 4th and 5th about my marriage. I never sat down and got totally honest with another or myself about what was going on in my marriage. I don't regret this, I am just acknowledging a flaw which lead up to picking up a drink. The desire for a drink came back, I was under pressure, I didn't have a strong enough relationship with my Higher Power, a relationship that would have stood between me and the first drink. My relapse experience has shown me how I need to continue spiritual growth.

I do a 10th step all day long and at night laying in my bed, I think about what I have done wrong and seek the awareness and strength of character not to repeat the same mistakes. I still make a load of mistakes but the awareness or God conscience grows stronger so I tend not to make them as bad, have mental reminders to keep my big mouth shut when I want to assinate someones character.

A few factors come into my wanting to rework the steps, go through the Big Book again with another person. One is the relationships I have had in recovery, mainly with T last summer and with my sister in recovery, C and I have talked a bit about both already. Another is because of the hours I work, I really don't have a good opportunity to work with others, working with others really keeps me out of my head, keeps me focused on the solution and in strong contact with people in recovery. The 1 or 2 meeting I attend each week are good but they are not enough. By seeing C each week I am getting a good dose of the medicine which helps keep me sober and sane. I need to hear what others have to say about my actions and thought, I need their input for personal reflection, reflection which allows change to happen.

So this is my current ramble. I need to take a shower, do a bit of things around the house prior to work. The new job opportunity which seem so promising fell through at the last moment, it hurt but I dusted my butt off, got back on the horse, started doing the footwork again to apply for a couple of job openings which I am qualified for. For now I am good with what I am doing, the money is good via the overtime. Nothing is permanent, some day I will have a different job, just not today.

Peace Love Light
Scott  

Just somethings

Hey all, just writing because I like to do so every week or so. Angel is asleep on the couch and Carter in the bedroom, I have the t.v. on Nick Jr. which is showing a Franklin the turtle movie, this way when Angel wakes up there is something on she will watch without having to channel surf or her getting upset because Scooby Doo or Bugs Bunny isn't on, she is still to young to understand different shows come on at different times. I am not a big pro football fan so could care less about the super bowl.

The colonoscopy went well, the prep wasn't that bad for me, a lot of people I know complained about drinking the cleansing stuff, I just mixed in some Crystal Lite and drank it as fast as I could, first 2 glasses really fast the other 2 took about an hour, the results didn't bother me either. It was kind of funny because the kids were here and they are my little shadows, so at times I had both kids and even the dog in the bathroom with me, every time I went Carter followed, he would stand by the tub pulling on his shirt thinking Papa was going to give him a bath, he loves taking a bath. My biggest concern was being anesthetized, I have never been put under before, never had surgery. Now grant it I have passed out but never been put to sleep with anesthetics I didn't take myself. My ex and Mich both have a hard coming back around and get a bit sick. It was a rather cool experience, one minute I was talking and the next I was waking up in the recovery room talking to the nurse, I felt really good, think it might have been the drugs they gave me for the procedure, anyway she gave me a cup of coffee and I was good to rock and roll. I didn't over do it after the scope, didn't eat much just some chicken and a bit of candy, rested and watched movies. I am glad I had the colonoscopy done, it really gave me a good piece of mind because I am only 1 year away from 50 and they say colon cancer is a silent killer and I have had stomach troubles off and on for years.

The temperatures have been in the 50's and low 60's up until Friday. Friday started out with rain and by evening it was snowing, by midnight there was probably 6 inches of snow on the ground. One of the young guys at work is from El Salvador, he drives a Civic and lives in a hilly area. I told him when we left work at midnight, they let us go early due to the road conditions, if he had any problems to call me, sure enough he couldn't make it down his road, got stuck but was able to get out and head back to town. I met him at a gas station and took him home, even with the Suburban the road was treacherous. It is nice having the Suburban, knowing I can get around in the snow plus know it will come in handy this summer. We ended up with 10-12 inches of really wet snow, I stayed home all day and vegged out, made chili and brownies to eat on, the plant was closed due to the weather. It may not seem like much to others but spending a day in my house alone and being perfectly happy is a wonderful thing for me. Not that many years ago I would have started drinking early, probably run out, driven icy roads to get more, would have been pouring beer down the pity pot of loneliness and nobody loves me, boo hoo hoo. Somedays it still amazes me the cravings and compulsion to drink are gone, I give thanks every night when I lay my head on my pillow.

This morning at my home group meeting, a portion of We Agnostics was read, I love this chapter in the Big Book. For one it takes me back to how angry I was toward religion when I was drinking, how a major of the people I was associating with in recovery my first time around were very 1 sided on spiritual matters and how I suppressed my thoughts just to feel a part of the groups. I remember reading We Agnostics in treatment and the freedom I felt, the comfort of Bill's words retelling me it was alright to have my own understanding of a God, the realm of the spirit being broad enough for all conceptions of a power greater than ourselves. It also brought me back to a night early in this recovery. I was in a meeting, people were sharing about their God which seemed the same for everyone and I felt really disconnected, just about walked out in frustration. After the meeting I stood outside smoking and thinking about what I had heard, also talked to my sponsor. It was at this meeting I truly understood believing in my own concept of a God, not comparing my feelings about a God concept with what others were sharing, not comparing my insides with their outsides. I believe that night was a make or break point for me in my recovery, I stopped think so hard about what God was or wasn't and stopped comparing myself to others so much, I didn't stop the comparisons just started being more mindful of my comparing and how it make me feel. I still catch myself comparing on occasion but usually now when I do it I am looking closer at where I am falling short in working the steps daily or living a spiritual life. I need the reminders of where I have come from, I also need to share this with others because this morning there were people in the room who were feeling the same way I did 5 years ago.

Life is good in my tiny little speck of the universe. I do have some anxiety going on concerning the job prospect. I have been told I am the top candidate for the position and there are just some things the guy who would be hiring me needs to find out. The guy is the regional sales manager, so he has a lot on his plate which I understand so things will happen in his time not mine. I doubt I am much different than others when I foresee a new avenue possibly happening in my life, I think about the changes to come, ability to hit more meetings and put more time into DCM work, the freedom of weekends off, I am also more aware of muscle and body pains at work focusing my my mind on how I need to get a less physical job. I do my best to focus back in on the moment, to be grateful I have a job which pays my bills. Standing in the hallway waiting to see if a new door is going to come open sucks but it is what it is and I will be alright no matter the outcome. This is just a bit of honest reflection on what is going on within me, I know way too many others who are experiencing far worse challenges in life, these people are in my thoughts and prayers.

Writing this the morning after I started. The kids woke up about 1/2 way through, let them play in the tub together, then just play in the living room. End up with Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire being put in, Angel loves most of the Harry Potter movies, Carter played with his ball and didn't get into too much stuff but still kept Papa on his toes. Mich showed up at midnight to get them, Carter was asleep by then and Angel was ready to go home to her bed. She has got to the point where she still loves spending time with Papa but also wants to be home with mommy, Mich was working a lot of late evenings for awhile so both the kids missed being with her.

I am grateful for the life I have, for not have an obsession to drink, for my job, for my daughter and grand babies, for my health, for being able to shovel snow, for my sponsors and friends in recovery and for my friends not in recovery, for the awareness of the beauty of nature, seeing how beautiful the heavy snow is on the trees, for the sweet little dog who lays on my lap or whats to play ball when I get home from work, grateful I can afford a 4 wheel drive to get myself and others around in bad weather, grateful for the acceptance that nothing is permanent, grateful for another day to try my best to live a life based on recovery and Dharma principles, for a hot cup of coffee and a warm shower.

Peace Love Light
Scott

Thoughts on Inner Child

Hey all, seems like time is really flying along, one day it was sandals and t-shirts the next it is boots and jacket, plus holidays fast approaching.

A couple of you have been blogging about the "inner child" which is an odd coincidence because this summer I bought a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called "Reconciliation, healing the inner child". Even though I feel comfortable and forgiving about the circumstances in which I was raised; lack of emotional stimulation and affection, mental and physical abuse, I thought there maybe more I needed to look at, plus Thich always has some great nuggets for better awareness practice. Here is a passage from the book I really like,

"I wouldn't want to send my friends and children to a place where there's no suffering, because in such a place they'd have no opportunity to learn to cultivate understanding and compassion. The Buddha said if we haven't suffered, there's no way we can learn. If the Buddha arrived at full enlightenment, it's because he suffered a lot. We have to come to the Buddha with all our suffering. Suffering is the path. It's through our suffering that we can see the path of enlightenment, compassion and love. It's by looking deeply into the nature of sorrow, our pain, our suffering, that we can discover the way out. If we don't know what suffering is, there's no way we can go to the Buddha, and we'll have no chance to touch peace, to touch love. It is exactly because we have suffered that now we have an opportunity to recognize the path leading to liberation, love and understanding."

Please translate the part about going to the Buddha into what ever makes sense to you. I feel this passage really puts suffering into perspective. Whether I am suffering from the effects of my youth, my alcoholism/addiction, relationship problems, character defects or life on life's term's . It is through suffering I have the opportunity to grow, to learn to better love, show better compassion and understanding.

I have accepted my parents as being the way there were because they were effected by there parents and ancestors, I have to learn to recognize that how I treat my daughter and my grand kids is a reflection of my ancestors as well but in recognizing this I can break the chain of wrongful parenting and suffering.

The kicker is the emotional wounds from others who abused me growing up haven't healed. It is seeing others who remind me of the abuses of my youth which cause my inner child to resurface.

As a kid I was bullied a lot, some by jocks and some by older kids who in hindsight were probably dealing with their own insecurities so they picked on scrawny younger kids. The jocks were the verbal bullies, always saying how big of wuss you were, laughing at your awkwardness and lack of coordination, intimidating you during the ugly and mandatory P.E classes. Side note; I went to a school were the whole population of 7th thru 12th grade was under 150 students, the few kids who were not socially accepted were shunned and picked on, it was worse for boys than girls because boys were expected to play sports all 6 years whether you were good or not. I didn't play sports, I don't have an athletic bone in my body, nor was I ever big enough physically. I could read and comprehend what I read, find insight in literature and the arts, understood and had compassion for social and environment injustices but that didn't count for anything as far as how you were treated by your peers. Most of my friends turned to alcohol and drugs as a means to be a somebody, to feel comfortable in our own skin, some out grew this others like me are alcoholic/addicts.

At work the welders are like the bullies of the plant, they are led by a guy I suspect was an ex-jock. They pick on the non-Caucasians and anyone who doesn't fit into their neat little box of what a man working in a manufacturing plant should be like. Most of this talk is behind backs but of course but it isn't hard to figure out these guys have contempt for people who aren't like them, it is in their attitudes and how they interact with others. They sit in the break room and are loud and obnoxious, make derogatory/vulgar remarks about different races, religions, homosexuals, Democrats and anyone else they dislike.

I have had a few run ins with the welders this week, mainly the leader of the clique. I really dislike these guys and have a lot of contempt for them. The run ins have made me reflect on why have such contempt and dislike. Enter the inner child. The inner child is comparing these grown men to the guys who use to mess with me as a kid, he doesn't fear any physical violence but fears not being able to counter their smart ass remarks with strong enough words to shut them up, remember I suck at quick and witty responses and dislike overly aggressive people. So how does the inner child deal with these people? He displays a sense of arrogance, he displays aloofness and he keeps his contact with them as limited as possible. Now maybe to some people this isn't a bad thing but for someone trying to live a principled life it is.

I need to acknowledge how my sick actions effect my ability to show love, kindness and compassion to all people. The Dalai Lama says the hardest people to show loving kindness and compassion to are our enemies, oh how true this is. I am no better that the bullies when I use intellect as a weapon of superiority. My talents are more cranial than physical but this doesn't make me better than them, yet in my arrogance I think it does and I put off an air to let them know so.

Thich's words are helping me understand how the inner child surfaces in different areas of my life, how the hurt little boy still wants protection. He is also teaching me how to heal the wounds and comfort the little boy, to speak to him and tell him the wrongs of the past can't hurt him now. Thich also keeps reiterating the linage of wrongs we all carry, that sickness is pasted on generation to generation and how we need to end the suffering by showing others loving kindness and compassion whether they return it or not. He talks about how to deal with being hurt by someone close to us and how to get rid of the resentments. I know this sounds a lot like the passage on acceptance from the Big Book, but Thich is going a bit deeper. What I need to do is try my best on a daily bases to work on loving kindness and compassion, especially towards those who remind me of the people who hurt the inner child. I have to be aware of how my inner child will react with bitter cruelty to any who see it sees as a threat. If people dislike me it is probably because my actions effect the inner child in them, maybe they were jealous of the kids who were smarter than them, who think outside the box, who experience life more fully because they are not afraid of people who are different than them, or things which are foreign and new. We may not wish to be like each other but maybe the fears which cause our actions come from the same place? I read this book during my lunch break, so some of the words smack me right between the eyes, which is sometimes the best way for me to take an honest look at my thoughts and actions, plus keeps everything in perspective when my mind starts going places it shouldn't since running the machine can get very boring, just focus on breathing, moment at hand, use breathing exercise based on loving kindness, compassion, getting rid of self.

Anyway those are me thoughts. I hope all are doing well. I am happy to read how some of my friends are accepting life on life's terms, your words help keep me grounded and also make me smile. Love you all!

Peace Love Light and a special Namaste

Scott

No Regret a useful tool

It's 11:00 am, I sitting here in my sleep pants, cup of coffee and smokes within short reach, I have finished reading my favorite blogs or checking to see if anyone has posted a new one. For the most part it is peaceful outside the library window, I call the spare room a library instead of office because my bookcases are in here, my bills go on the kitchen table until I need to review and pay them, a chore for today, my desk is a place for the laptop to sit and for storage, plus a couple of junk drawers filled with nails, wall hooks, batteries, small tools, misc repair stuff, so office just sounds to stuffy for me, library on the other hand is a place of peace, a place to read and a place to reflect which is what I do when I am in this room, I also have art work by Mich and N's youngest on the walls. So now you know about the room from which I write this blog and comment you yours.

I was awaken around 9:15 by a heavy rain, something we need since the air last night was heavy with moisture so hopefully the humidity will be less today, doesn't bother me but I get tired of hearing others complain about it. I save what little weather complaining I do for bitter north winds and temps in the teens and below, anytime the temp is above 40 I am happy. I don't like the cold at all but live in a cold state and will probably spend most of my life living in a cold state, I accept this because I love this cold state, it's people, it's culture, it's fairly laid back nature, it's friendliness plus my family and love ones are here. When I lived in the central part of the state it was a work of acceptance, I am liberal they are conservative, I think Limbaugh is an intolerant moron with an ugly soul they think he is a God, I love blues, folk, bluegrass and jazz influenced music with the exception of a small town radio station run by 2 old hippies my music isn't played west of Lincoln, I love ethnic foods and culture sorry folks but Mexican and bland Chinese just don't cut it for me, I like seeing and talking to freaks on the street in the coffee shop and at meetings out west they are a rarity and people laugh and point at them, I am not a Christian and people out west have a hard time understanding this, but I spent 17 years living in that part of the state I am a better person for it. Once I got sober and stopped using my differences as a "poor me I am so damn unique I have to drink all the time" BS, my differences gave me a chance for growth, a chance to practice love and tolerance even when I felt like I was being shunned or looked down on for my beliefs. There is no way I can truly understand raw prejudice felt my people of color or homosexuals but I have empathy because I have had small doses of it. Jesus talked about turning the other cheek and loving our enemies as well as our friends, the Buddha taught the same, I was given a chance to live these words and apply them in my life so I hold no ill feelings towards those with different views or ideals. Now that I am in Lincoln, I feel right at home. I am still living in my wonderful Nebraska but I am in the one city that I feel I fit in completely, God had a time planned for this and it materialized when things were right for me. I think about the drunken years, the alcohol fuel hatred, hatred of others and self, the poor Me's and it seems like such a waste but it wasn't, it was a part of the past I can't shut the door on because one can of beer takes me back there, no matter how good things are now the alcohol will turn everything black and ugly, that is how the demon works in me, it blankets out the sunlight of the Spirit. I am grateful for my past and my present life.

My new job is allowing me to use the tools of understanding and right speech, not to mention awareness. There are some clients who are suffering greatly from shame and guilt, well all of them are but there are only a few who are open enough to talk about it with the techs. I have been given an opportunity to explain the promise "we will not regret the past nor which to shut the door on it" from my own experience, the above thing with living in a small town is trivial for the most part. The shame I can share about is the shame that those of us who had children during our active alcoholism feel about the damage and suffering we created. I am not proud of how I treated my daughter or my parents, I am allowed to share this with the clients and explain to them I no longer feel regret for what I did, it was part of being a selfish slave to King Alcohol, I share that for me remembering how I treated my daughter and parents has become a tool for staying sober, it is part of thinking the drink through to the very end when the "wouldn't a beer taste good right now" thought crosses my mind, it is part of a mental collage which also includes jails and homelessness. One drink, a thimble full of alcohol has the power to ruin my relationship with my daughter, granddaughter, mother and the rest of the people I love and love me, that's some powerful stuff and I can never forget it. Another thing I am learning is to work with people who are very mentally ill. I have spent a lot of time with chronic alcoholics, both in and out of meetings, those sad cases that just don't seem to get "it", some have died and some are still existing. The people I work with are the ones Bill wrote about in Chapter 5 " constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves" they are unfortunate indeed. When I did service work at the mental health hospital I was in brief contact with some like this but now I am spending hours with a few people like this and let me tell you campers it is very sad. It is sad when the director tells us that these people are severely mentally ill and to please show tolerance and kindness towards them, it is sad to talk to or listen to someone with whom reality is sometimes an illusion, it is sad to know these people aren't even 40 years old and the future is very uncertain for them. There is one kid who really knows how to work you, he is mentally ill, in denial and gets verbally aggressive when confronted, this posed a challenge to me last night, I let him rant and rave, tried to explain or show him how this thinking was a wrong, I was granted the ability to be assertive without being aggressive, in the end I told him to go outside and cool down, later when I checked on him he was doing alright. We can't change these people a great deal but we still have to give them feedback in hopes the a small kernel of what we say may sink in, to help in anyway we can and I also feel that what loving kindness and compassion we show them in some ways is healthy for them also. My prayer and mediation time prior to work consist partially of asking for compassion, loving kindness and freedom from the bondage of self, yesterday I was given the honor of practicing what I pray and mediate for, it seems like a big order sometimes for this ex drunk, it seems almost overwhelming and scary. When I asked to be of service to God and my fellows I wasn't aware of of how much God would ask of me but God has faith in me and my coworkers who give me assistance and work with the clients also, just like it recovery it is all about "WE", I must not count myself short or the gifts I have been given, the old insecure Scott wants to do this at times. I take refuge in the 3rd and 11Th steps, I take refuge in the teachings of recovery, I take refuge in the Living Buddha and Living Christ, without these I am a dangerous man in a job that requires applying these principles every second I am there. I have said this before and will probably continue to say this, I love this job and I am grateful to my God for allowing me to have it, for the spiritual growth it gives me and with spiritual growth comes personal and emotional growth, tools I can use outside of the treatment center when I am in contact with my family, loved ones, friends and society in general. Must add I make mistakes, I am not perfect but I do the best that I can do. I use to beat the shit out of myself for making mistakes, you people in recovery told me I didn't need to do this anymore, that God forgives me and I need to forgive myself, thanks to God and you I have stayed sober enough 24 hours to practice this most of the time.

On a lighter note, looking out my window this morning I get the joy of watching the birds dig around in the wet grass for bugs. I get to watch the tree rats (squirrels) run and play. My bird feeder is a hit with all kinds of birds, even the black birds and blue jays are being nice to the smaller birds, I don't see the cardinals as much as I would like but every once in a while I catch a glimpse of them eating out of the feeder. I also have 3 rabbits who visit my yard, I take the bird seed and broadcast it around for them also. Life is peaceful and serene for the most part, I did have a bit uneasiness yesterday but did the footwork to correct it, once again my mind was telling me a story that was untrue but the only way to find out the truth was to trust God and ask the person I was worrying about the question that was on my mind, anyone who read this blog probably knows who I am talking about, all is well like I said it was just my mind telling me stories and my own insecurities feeding the story.

Well campers, I need to get my butt off this chair, take a shower, do some work around the house, look at a pay a couple of bills and then head to work.

Peace Love and Light to everyone!! and if anyone hasn't told you they Love you today then I will, I love you all.
Scott

A Spiritual Weekend,

Well hang on to your skivvies friends this might be a long one. I am going to write about our weekend camping trip, there is so much to tell, about the group, about what we did and about what I learned, educationally, spiritually and emotionally.

We were 10 adults and 4 kids, the adult were mainly in there 30’s, with one early 20’s, the 2 old men where myself and another guy who is 50 but we are young at heart. The kids were twin 13 year olds, 12 year old and an 8 year old, all siblings. We ended up taking my station wagon, no not the old boat type but a sleeker late 90’s model Ford I am not a total geek (vanity noticed) and also my pickup because we had too much stuff to for the medium sized cars every body had, coolers, lawn chairs and bedding take up a lot of space. We convoyed the 130 miles there with a stop at the nearest Wal-Mart for ice and lunch stuff, rolled into the cultural center at 1:30pm. The weather was overcast with light showers off and on when we were unloading and setting up. The ladies were impressed with the bunk houses, nice beds, linen provided, nicely decorated and very quaint and cozy, the nice restrooms/shower was a bonus even if it was a short walk away, and it didn’t smell like an outhouse.

Once we all got settled in it was education time. We all gather at the museum and were given an amazing history lesson. Most of us were aware that Nebraska was the home of Mammoth’s and Mastodon’s but we were not aware that 14-7 million years ago Nebraska was one of the most heavily populated places in the world for land animals. In those times Nebraska was a lush tropical land not far from a large body of water, unlike the flat plains and rolling canyons you see today. We were shown fossils or replica’s fossils that were found in the same area we were staying at; Nebraska is the home to 22 first time mammal discoveries. We were told about the unique Shovelnose Mastodon, rhino’s, saber tooth cat’s, predators and grazers. From there we were told about the indigenous people who first lived here, their hunting and farming techniques were explained. He worked his way into the time of the first settlers, the time of the buffalo, how the horse change everything, so that what where once farmers became more nomadic and the teepee replaced the earthen lodge. We where also told about the conflicts between the people of European descent and the native’s, how the government used the mass killing of buffalo against the natives by depleting an essential part of their lively hood, buffalo was food, clothing, shelter, and tools. He had different hands on fossils and artifacts so everyone could take a close look and really see what he was talking about. Next we moved to the reconstructed earthen lodge, it was a replica of a lodge dating back 1300 years ago. The life of the lodge dwellers was explained. The girls and women were told what their primary duties would have been, learning how to work animal hides for daily use, plus farming. Boys and men were told our job would have been the constant making of tools for farming and hunting, since the tool material, namely rocks, would dulled or break easily. He told us it took 3 years to make 1 lodge which held around 20 people. He explained how food was stored in the ground using layers and sealed with an ash mixture. He also talked about symbolism showing us feathers, drums, rattles, whistles and other things. He condemned modern society for our moving away from family traditions and unity, for our dependence on all the mod con’s of which he said he is just as guilty of. He praised the simple life that is by far more spiritually gratifying. In the early evening after supper, for some it was buffalo stew made with native ingredients and blue corn muffins, we were taken to the medicine circle. As he said medicine circle was really a lame translation of what it really is, a closer term would be spiritual magic circle. The circle is a place of worship and a calendar based on equinoxes, solaces, stars, moon, and sun pattern, with the number and placement of stones having significances. We were then taken on a hike to a natural spring. When ever we hiked he would point out little things, mostly plants and their various uses, Sunday evening he taught us how to make friendship bracelets from the fibers of the Yucca plant. He told us why the cottonwood tree has dancing leafs, the stem of the leaf is square instead of round and picks up the slightest breeze, he told about the healing powers of moss and cedar tree berries, wild pepper and others. He talked a lot about interdependence with nature; Buddha meets the Great Spirit if you will. So this was our education from a human teacher, the rest of the teachings came from the Spirit.

Saturday night we had a bonfire AA meeting, reading the story “Join the Tribe” from the 3rd edition of the Big Book, after that it was time for smore’s and roasting hot dogs over the fire. Saturday late night/Sunday early morning we had some heavy rains, we used it as a symbol that our souls were washed and cleansed for a new day. Sunday we had a wonderful breakfast of burritos, omelets and smoothies, yes smoothies, the chef brought a power pack so he could operate a blender, which floored my Grizzly Adams ass but everyone loved them so what the hell. I actually gave my girly girl friend a good smile when I came back from taking a hot shower and told her that “I may get all Grizzly Adams when camping but I am not going to ignore a hot shower in the morning if ones is available.” We started our day with an AA meeting reading pages 86 and 87 from the Big Book, the passage that starts out “Upon awakening” and talks about prayer and mediation, we closed with the “Prayer of St. Francis”. The chef and a couple of women were up early Saturday morning so there was talking right off the get go and I was also the other cook, so I never made time for early morning mediation on Saturday but I am use to this and came calm myself even with the activity going on around me. Sunday turned out to be a beautiful late spring day, nice sunshine temps in the mid 70’s, after some arm twisting every one went for a hike, it is impossible for 14 people to stay absolutely quiet, but I did take a couple of kids with me and we went ahead of the pack walked fairly silently taking in what we could, I would point out different things along the trail that they would have missed if they would have been gabbing and messing around. The trail end at lake/pond where the canoes were, so 5 adults and the 4 kids stayed and canoed while the rest went back to camp or into town for more ice. The lake was small and shallow but just right for novice canoe’rs including myself. There was a Blue Heron doing touch and goes along the edge and over the reeds, wood ducks, various birds, saw a big turtle swimming just under the surface and a water snake hauling ass across the surface, lots of relaxing fun. Sunday late afternoon was time for playing some cards, relaxing, ribs on the grill, then an NA meeting followed by another bonfire; more smore’s and grilled hot dogs. At 11:00pm all but 3 of us walked back to the medicine circle, it was on the top of a hill about a ¼ mile away, we laid down in the circle and believe it or not no one spoke a word for a good 10 to 15 minutes, kids included, I did a bit of guided mediation telling them to listen to the song of the wind, feel, hear and see, very spiritual, after that 6 of us had a 3rd step meeting. Monday morning I awoke to a chorus of birds singing above my tent, totally awesome. Once I got the coffee started and after I took a shower, I was able to do a short sitting mediation while the rest gathered in a cabin to shoot the breeze, after the mediation I unfolded my sore legs, the hiking took it’s toll on my out of shape muscles, stretched out and took in what was around me both the visual and the sounds, I was in awe by the cottonwood’s dancing leafs, by all appearances there was no breeze but when I glanced up at the cottonwood leafs sure enough they would be dancing while the leaves of the sumac, elm, and other leaves were still. I heard wild turkeys, cattle, and a multitude of birds and rustling, it was all very sensual and spiritual. After breakfast we packed up and headed home. I stopped at my dad’s headstone on the way home and gave him a bow and silent prayer, along with an AA old timer whose marker is a few rows away from dads.

The general consensus of the weekend was that it was a GREAT time. Four of the people where newcomers with less than a years sobriety and had never done anything like this sober before. They got a good dose of fellowship. Some of us just barely knew each before this weekend but we developed a strong bond. The loner chef was opened up and the last night there shared some honest misgivings about his sponsor and some people in recovery and was given some feedback that if he is willing to use will help him along his path. All of us that went were on the same path both spiritually and in recovery, we didn’t pound God or recovery down anyone’s throat, we lived recovery. We were ourselves, after a very short time all the pretensions and need to impress where laid aside because there was an air of trust. We all agree we would do more stuff together through out the summer. 7 of us have already planned to travel 4 hours north to participate in a weekend long campout and sober float down the biggest river in Nebraska. The Great Spirit smiled on us this weekend and we all know this walking out of that canyon better people. One of my sponsee’s made a strong connection with my niece, both are fairly new in recovery, on the way home we talked about it and how he wanted a strong relationship with her and understood how important it was to let things grow without messing it up with sex. I saw the bond happening but didn’t say anything, he talked to others before he talked to me; I think he was afraid of my reaction since his affection was for my niece. I told him I couldn’t stop him and talked about my own stuff, which is explained in the next paragraph. It was a great bonding time for my sponsee and me. My niece found a new sponsor in one of the women there, and I am so happy for her, the sponsor is solid in recovery and her sponsor is in my opinion the best female sponsor in our whole area.

I mentioned wanting to get to know one of the women better in an earlier post. Well we did, we have a lot in common, interest and spirituality. I was scared to death to ask her if she wanted to have supper sometime, even though we made great eye contact and sometime she would look at me when she was give her thoughts on a subject. This fear of rejection is so powerful sometimes it sucks!! Also the low self esteem, even though I have been told more than once I am an attractive man, I notice that I am not buff and muscular. I talked with a couple of guys just to express the fear. I also reflected back on step 3, know I had to trust my God, and understand that what ever the answer was it would be alright. I waited until the last moment and when she gave me a goodbye hug I whispered in her ear “would you like to have supper sometime” and she replied “sure, call me” well it wasn’t a gushing “yes I would love to” but it sure made my heart soar!!! I called her last night and got her voice mail, it was 8:30 or there about, she never called me back but I have to assume that she just never got a chance. See the self doubt creeping in again, she did say yes to supper and she is an honest enough person that if she didn’t want to she would have said a flat out sorry no thank you. This is another learning lesson for me, my freaking cravings are creating the suffering and I need to look the craving in the eye and say “hey you can’t mess with me like this” which I am working on. I see a whole other post opening up here so I will stop with this. I can take what I experienced in nature this weekend and apply it to my interest in this woman that the universe does as it will and that I am just a part of it and so is she, that what will happen will happen so I don’t need to fret about it.

Thanks for hanging in there on this journey!!!

The answer is "yes" not "What"

I just became fully aware of a bad habit that needs to be corrected. It is a habit that is the residue of generations. When my daughter says “hey dad” I respond with “what” instead of “yes”. I noticed this a few weeks back, I had just sat down after an evening of running around, warm supper in my hand, movie just started and out of the bedroom comes “hey dad” to which I replied “WHAT”, I was informed that I didn’t need to respond in that manner!! I did apologize and justified the response by saying I just wanted to relax and that she could come out to the living room to ask the question instead of yelling at me from the bedroom, like I said justification. Today at lunch Mich asked me a couple of questions and my response was “what”, driving back to work I realized how this was an inappropriate response.

There are certain things that my parents did in raising me that I consider inappropriate. Some of these I have either not repeated at all or corrected as soon as I caught myself doing them. My dad was a hard working, law abiding man, who could get along with most people; he was fair in his dealing with others and showed a strong since of social etiquette in public. In private he was angry, physically and mentally abusive; he was a racist and intellectually ignorant. It is easy to weed out the ugly parts of my up bring and make sure they don’t mature with my parenting ways. Some how I ended up being the opposite of my dad, non-violent, open minded, intellectually curious and worldly. Oh I do have a nasty temper, I am the picture of my old man when I lose control, I yell, I swear a blue streak, slam tools or what ever is hand, I even have his evil eye thing. I don’t like this side of me and over the years it has surfaced less and less. But yet there are still the more subtle things like the response to “hey dad” than remind me I am still genetically tried to my parents and some of my actions are mirror images of theirs, mom was passive aggressive and I can go there too.

I guess by being aware of negative actions and reactions I can slowly correct some of the ignorance and wrong doings from the ancestors. Maybe my daughter won’t repeat some of my shortcomings and I will interact with my granddaughter better than I did with her mother. There are still a lot of small habits that I am not fully aware of yet or have a hard time catching myself doing. I work really hard at not using shame and guilt related words when I am giving my daughter constructive criticism, for the most part I can keep my voice clam and even also.

One of the biggest difference between how my parents brought me up and how I have brought up my daughter is the showing of love and respect, respecting her and her input in discussions, hell my parents didn’t allow discussion let alone input. My daughter has been raised open, which has been both good and bad, she probably experienced some things at a young age that was better left until she could fully comprehend things, so maybe this is an area where she can take my parenting errors and correct them with her daughter. So the thread of generations continues, my grandparent’s ways where modified a bit by my parents, my parent’s ways where modified by me, my ways are modified by my daughter and her daughter will probably continue the pattern. Maybe at the end the thread parenting Nirvana will be achieved.
I think I am slow gasping “non self”. I am ever changing, so the self I was at noon is different than the self I am at 4:15pm and when I go to sleep tonight there may be another change take place, yeah slowly I am getting it. Sweet!!!!

Eyes in the Gravel

Stepping outside to take a breathe and clear the mind from the negative energy flowing through the office I glance down at the gravel that is the foundation of the road and parking lot for my workplace. Looking up at me where hundreds of shining eyes, not thick but every few inches another eye shined. The flecks of rocks that make up the gravel where reflecting the brilliant sun that was shining down, bits of rock no bigger than a pin head, vibrant with light. Wow another blessing of learning to be still and see with open eyes!! How many times have I stepped out back to smoke or breathe, yeah I know smoking and healthy breathing don’t go together but hopefully this is my last year of smoking which is a whole different blog post (suffering and addiction to cigarettes), I know I have noticed the reflections before but never gave them a second thought until yesterday when the beauty struck me. With calm mind I moved around, noticed how the tiny eyes and focused on interdependence, how the rocks and I are one and the same and they are a part of me and I am a part of them. Awareness still blows me away and I am just barely touching the wonders of being aware. I don’t strive for awareness nor to a crave it, in the morning I mediate on being open and removed from bondage of self and this helps opens the channel if I allow it to. Yes I do need to push myself on the awareness of those defects of character that are getting in my way. The biggest one I am aware of is ego/self centeredness, sometimes when I am sitting in a meeting listening to a speaker I wish they would just hurry up because I either want my turn or I want to move on to something I find more interesting or just be done with the meeting to I can go about my business, when this occurs I have to force myself to focus on the moment at hand and what is being said instead of my wants. There are other feelings/actions that I am becoming more strongly aware of and do the best that I can to improve them and make a baby step towards the middle path. Every moment is a chance to live in the moment if I open my eyes, seeing the beauty of nature, hearing the sound of a bird’s wings flapping in flight, smelling vegetation growing these are easy but seeing myself is a bit harder, breaking down the individual to become a complete part of the “we universe”. The literature of recovery and Buddhism both stress being patient and practicing to the best of our abilities on a daily bases and I am grateful, it is better for me to work on small pieces of things that need to be done than to look at the big list which will in turn become overwhelming. When I am overwhelmed with something I stopping doing anything at all, part is perfectionism, if I can’t do it perfectly then I won’t do it at all, the other part is pure laziness, seeing there is a ton of work to be done instead of seeing the ounce of work I can do today. I have been talking to a lot of people in recovery about perceptions lately and it has done me a lot of good because the more we talk about them the more I understand my own perceptions and ignorance’s.

Lighter side: my daughter and granddaughter have moved in with me on a temporary bases, could be a couple of months, long enough for her to get a job and a bit of financial stability. I don’t believe that once the cubs have left the den they aren’t allow back in, my parents have helped me out most of my life for good or bad in some cases, I feel my way of paying them back is by helping my daughter and granddaughter. I have set down some rules and also I will not enable her, she has to take action, I will not become a permanent babysitter either. My daughter is really good about keeping the house clean so that is a bit of repayment. The young lady who was staying at my house and turned around and stole from me has disappeared from the recovery community and so has her boyfriend for the most part, sucks to see but hopefully something will happen that will being them back, but like all of us sometimes it takes having life kick the shit out of you before you are willing to change. Starting to itch for spring and day I can put my shoes in the closet for a few months and only wear sandal or flip flops. Visited a place where we are going to camp for a couple of days over Memorial Day weekend, beautiful canyon with lots of trails, it is not a place that gets a lot of people so it is fairly private, there is an awesome fire pit where we can have bonfire meetings, burn some hot dogs and marshmallows, basically just have a very spiritual recovery weekend.

Well that’s the ramble for now.
Namaste
Scott