Rope in a Deep Well

I am just going to start typing and let a title materialize out of what I type. I have done some footwork to lessen the financial burden, my time to myself has been shortened and I have had a bloody head cold for a week, not to mention a brewing resentment I need to get rid of.

I did some talking to my banker and was able to rework a loan I have, I had to extend the length which in the long run isn't good but in the right now it cuts my monthly payments down by 1/3, maybe in a couple of years I can increase the payments so I am not paying back so much in interest; this loan was taken out when I was making quite a bit more money. I bought a small car, so my fuel expense has dropped a lot, little Chevy Cavalier with a 5 speed manual transmission, God I love shifting gears again, the car isn't brilliant looking but runs well. I talked to my boss at the hotel and he was able to give me six extra hours a week of work, plus I work every other Sunday. Lastly I bought a trailer, my mom loaned me the money, this will save me $80.00 a month plus I can pay my mom back a couple of times a month instead of having everything come out of one paycheck.

The trailer belongs to I guy I use to work with; it is older but well insulated and has good windows, fenced in yard for the kids, 2 nice size shed for storage, 3 bedrooms and 1-1/2 baths. The kitchen is bigger with more cupboards, my trailer really lacks cupboards in the kitchen, they built on to the dining and living rooms, so they are bigger. Mich and Angel will take the bedroom with the 1/2 bath which is in the front off the living room, Carter will have the little bedroom and mine will be in the back. I need to paint the living room, it is lime green not my color, going to paint it a burgundy for warmth, plus the cupboard doors in the kitchen and bath need painted and a bit of wood putty. 

The main reason for buying the trailer is Mich and the kids moved back in with me and will probably be living with me for quite a while. When the landlord said she wasn't approved to live with me, she moved in with a guy who turned out to be a control freak with a violent background, recently he has been stalking her via FB and driving by the house or finding out from mutual friends what she is up to. It is better for her to live with me, I feel more secure with her and the kids here, instead of her hooking up with some guy just so she has a place to stay, she has been good about not going out at night since she quit dating, she is partying less and is home every night of the week. I have been nervous about the landlady finding out Mich and the kids were here, afraid of being evicted for breaking the lease agreement.

The new trailer is just down the street from the one I currently rent. When I told the landlord I was buying it, she told me Mich was still not allowed to live with me. I contacted a lawyer and he said she cannot tell me who can and cannot live with me, unless the person has a serious criminal record, prejudice doesn't count. Mich copped an attitude when she did the interview with the landlady to get approval to live in this trailer, landlady was talking down to her and Mich being a proud 21 year old who doesn't know anything about having a poker face and keeping her mouth shut, rubbed the landlady the wrong way. Mich can be an arrogant, know it all snot, who doesn't own her mistakes as much as she needs to, she is immature for sure, especially when it comes to putting her wants above the needs of the kids, she sees nothing wrong with going out drinking a couple of nights a week and leaving the kids with someone. Mich hasn't been charged with child neglect from the incident with Carter climbing out the window in July, in fact Child Protective Services were never called. She has a court date later this month and has a Public Defender, so hopefully the charges will be dropped. She has been put on suspense from her job working with the mentally handicap because she can't have anything dealing with neglect or abuse on her record, if the charges are dropped she gets her job back. So Mich isn't a perfect kid, but she isn't a really bad kid either, she does better living under my roof with boundaries than on her own.

My conversation with the landlady has been eating my lunch, she was rude towards me and made accusations about Mich I didn't like. She doesn't know anything about Mich, where she has come from; mother committing suicide when she was 8 years old, dad climbing inside a bottle for 10 years, going into foster care and group homes, completing high school as a teen mother and trying her best to be a mom at a young age. We live a quiet life, the house is alcohol and drug free, since it was reported the girl watching the kids wasn't keeping a close eye on them, she hasn't watched them and will not watch them, when the kids are outside they are closely supervised. Another thing is; I live in the biggest mobile home park in town, I know of a lot of kids who run around unsupervised and you have to drive slow and watch out for them, also I know of homes where people live without approval from the manager. The landlady is one of those know-it-all people who will not listen to what you have to say, she is very prejudice; this was brought to my attention when I talked to her about buying the trailer because the guy I am buying it from is Hispanic and she didn't have anything nice to say about Hispanics even though 50% of the residents here are Hispanic. If I didn't pay my rent, if I had the cops coming around every so often, if my lot was a junk pit, if the kids where running wild in the streets I could understand her being concerned about renting me a lot. I can't explain to her that Mich and the kids are better off and safer living with me, that Mich is at a crossroads and needs to be able to save up to move out. I want to say "listen bitch, I am doing what is best for my daughter and grand kids so butt the fuck out and mind your own business and until we do something illegal leave us alone."

I own and understand her not allowing Mich to live in a home I rent from her, it is her choice on who lives in her property, and I signed a lease saying I would get approval for anyone, be it my kid or girlfriend or roommate, if they moved in with me. Looking at this from a 4th step point of view, the landlady has hurt my pride and since of security. Oh yeah, rental property here blows if you have a pet, only a few mobile home owners allow pets, none of the apartments or houses do, so I am stuck, I looked around and couldn't find a trailer to buy in another park in my price range. Yesterday I realized I had a dozy of a resentment building towards the landlady, I was driving around town with a conversation with her going through my head, wanting to set the record straight with her and tell her I talked to a lawyer and was calling her bluff. Last night when I went to bed I did the only thing I know how to do, I prayer for her and for acceptance.

I don't dig having my lifeboat rocked, I want everything in life to go along smooth. Things have smoothed out again for the most part, money, Mich and kids. The landlady bit will smooth out too once we move, we will live our quiet life, just be another tenant among and few hundred others. I am going to visit my sponsor this afternoon after work, puke on her table for a bit and I will continue to pray for the landlady, it always seems to help accepting someone I dislike, know we will never see eye to eye and move on, might not happen soon but with practice and time it will.

On the lighter side, Angel is really excited for Halloween, she wants to be a tiger princess, not sure where she got this idea but she is adamant this is what she is going to be. I found an orange tutu, plus orange tights, will buy an orange t-shirt, use electrical tape for strips, get her some cat ears and tail, paint her face orange with stripes. I found Carter the cutest gnome costume, little white beard, pointed hat, shirt/shorts with suspenders. I will take pictures and post them. I bought Angel some plastic fangs and she has been in hog heaven wearing them around the house.

Life is still good, even with battling challenges, classes are going well, I will start writing my next two papers for psyche next week. If I wasn't sober I wouldn't have these wonderful challenges. If I didn't go to meetings, talk to my sponsor and others in recovery, work the steps daily the best I can, I would be sitting in a deep well of shit with no direction out.

Peace Love Light

New toy, Fellowship & Solution

 This is the Wendy, so named after my friend who put her girliness aside and used the nasty outhouse at the Sober Float campground but expressed gratitude when someone allowed her to use the potty in his camper. Some of the places we camp are isolated with only outhouse's available, in searching for a camper one of the must was a working toilet, not just for Wendy but for everyone, yours truly included.

 If you look at the picture above and this one, you will notice a shower curtain. The bathroom has a hand held shower, so you can wrap the curtain around the bathroom and take shower to wash the dirty and grime off. I have never been in a small camper before and didn't know what the shower if any would be like. I can assure you this will come in hand.

 This is the couch and also Angle claimed it as her bed, it is wide enough for 1 person to sleep comfortabily enough on. The bit on the top folds down to make a bunk bed, if I still have the camper in years to come, Angel or Carter can sleep up there. Kitchen has a 3 burner stove/oven, double sink, there is a little fold up extension counter as well. I wasn't able to get the frig to work, I will have to check out circuit breakers and fuses. It may work off of propane but I need to replace the bottles first to check that out.

 Table folds down and cushions pull out to make a bed, big enough for 2 smaller people and just right for me. Table will come in handy for playing cards or just hanging out around/meetings, if the weather turns nasty, plus place to put food on for meals.

1980 camper, 19ft long, bought it for $1700.00. The AC works, I need to pull the awning out in the next few days to check it out, it has been too windy here to do it yet, the awning itself is worth $350.00. I bought this from a guy who was selling it for another guy as part of an estate settlement. The camper has been in a shed most of it's life, so the outside is in good condition for it's age. The propane tanks are old and need up dated, because of this I wasn't able to check out the furnace, hot water heater, stove or frig on gas. I am trusting they work because the camper was owned by an older couple and they took good care of it from what I can tell, plus I trust the farmer who sold it to me, yes blind trust. I was shocked to find an owners manual with it. I know enough about gas systems to clean and fix most problems I may have, thank you Dad. New tanks are only $20.00 and a connecting hose is $10.00. Tires will need replaced before we venue too far from home, remember I travel a lot in rural Nebraska where most of the towns are small and finding a place to fix a flat after 5:30pm is almost impossible, plus on some stretches it is 20 miles or more between towns, trailer tires are less expensive than car tires, so this isn't a big expense. I will also replace the curtains and rods, couple of the curtains were stained, tried to wash but that didn't work. Mich and J suggested new cushion covers since the current ones are a green pattern, older and less attractive pattern, not sure on this one, depends on cost, think the couch will just get a throw blanket on it. Used campers for less than $2000 are hard to come by, the ones I found on Craigslist were being snatched up within a couple of days of being posted. I wasn't able to find any close to home, I found this one in a town 125 miles away, closer to Lincoln, took off work Tuesday to check it out. Since I had the funds available I was rather obsessed with buying a camper now plus the closer to spring the hard to find and the more people would be wanting for them.

The 4 guys who traveled with me Saturday to pick it up are all part of our Happy Campers camping group. We had a good time visiting, talking recovery and thoughts on summer camping outings. J and I at least will start doing some scouting trips on Sundays to check out various camping areas, places that offer enough privacy for campfire meetings plus have things to do like swimming, hiking or canoe-ing, I found inflatable canoes on Amazon for a reasonable price so will get one about May. The nice thing about our group is not only do we enjoy fellowship we are also living in the solution via working the steps, regular meeting attendance and working with others. We have some new people who want to go camping with us this years which is great.

Awe yes living in the solution! I have been going over to my backup sponsors house on Tuesday afternoons. We are listening to the Joe and Charlie Big Book discussion, which basically is about taking the steps. I feel it is healthy for me to review steps and even take a new 4th and 5th steps. Working with C and listening to the tapes are giving me new perspectives on the Big Book, steps and recovery in general. My sponsor is a wonderful man and we went through the steps rather thoroughly, I have changed in recovery, the person I was when I was new is different than the one I am today. C and I have more in common in a lot of ways than my sponsor, so working the steps with her allows me to work through some of my challenges more closely with someone who has been there, my sponsor likes this idea, so I am not back dooring him. Yes C is a woman, mid 60's, she has gone through some of the same spiritual challenges I have, faced the same social challenges, a veteran, she has 35 years sobriety and experience to share with me and others.

One of the things we have been talking about is, fellowship verses solution. She feels sometimes there is too much emphasis placed on fellowship; dances, potluck speaker meetings, camp-outs and social events and not enough on working the steps. It is through working the steps that a spiritual awakening happens. I am a person who promotes social functions so I had to sit back and think about my prospectives on this. The group of people I hang out with attend social events but we also work the steps, use sponsors and are active in the groups we attend via helping the newcomer. I forget that others who promote social events don't always do this, so the newcomer gets the wrong message. What this brought home to me was, when I share about social events I also need to place equal emphasis on working the steps and the solution which is to find a God of ones own understanding via the steps which will remove the compulsion to drink on a daily bases.

Fellowship saved my ass the first time around, getting sober on a remote Air Force base in South Korea it was essential to be with others in recovery. The guys who helped me get sober showed me how to live without alcohol and how to basically work the steps. Later on I really didn't work the steps I just went to meetings, I went for more of a social club and not as a place for spiritual growth. In doing this I believe this created the breakdown which enable me to pick up the first drink. I have said it before I never really worked the 11th step and needed to do another 4th and 5th about my marriage. I never sat down and got totally honest with another or myself about what was going on in my marriage. I don't regret this, I am just acknowledging a flaw which lead up to picking up a drink. The desire for a drink came back, I was under pressure, I didn't have a strong enough relationship with my Higher Power, a relationship that would have stood between me and the first drink. My relapse experience has shown me how I need to continue spiritual growth.

I do a 10th step all day long and at night laying in my bed, I think about what I have done wrong and seek the awareness and strength of character not to repeat the same mistakes. I still make a load of mistakes but the awareness or God conscience grows stronger so I tend not to make them as bad, have mental reminders to keep my big mouth shut when I want to assinate someones character.

A few factors come into my wanting to rework the steps, go through the Big Book again with another person. One is the relationships I have had in recovery, mainly with T last summer and with my sister in recovery, C and I have talked a bit about both already. Another is because of the hours I work, I really don't have a good opportunity to work with others, working with others really keeps me out of my head, keeps me focused on the solution and in strong contact with people in recovery. The 1 or 2 meeting I attend each week are good but they are not enough. By seeing C each week I am getting a good dose of the medicine which helps keep me sober and sane. I need to hear what others have to say about my actions and thought, I need their input for personal reflection, reflection which allows change to happen.

So this is my current ramble. I need to take a shower, do a bit of things around the house prior to work. The new job opportunity which seem so promising fell through at the last moment, it hurt but I dusted my butt off, got back on the horse, started doing the footwork again to apply for a couple of job openings which I am qualified for. For now I am good with what I am doing, the money is good via the overtime. Nothing is permanent, some day I will have a different job, just not today.

Peace Love Light
Scott  

No Regret, No Door Shutting

Hey all!

I have very few disagreements with what Bill wrote in the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous), yet I disagree with the promise "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". I do regret certain aspects of my past but I do not wish to shut the door on them, the past gives me valuable insight in how to live my life today. I don't dwell on the past, to me this is where the danger comes in, there is no use in beating myself up over past events, by doing this I would be blocking the sunlight of the Spirit who provides inter peace. Yet on Saturday I rather found myself in a position to want to shut the door, to ignore the reality of the past.

Some of you know my ex-wife committed suicide, so please bear with me as I go over this part of my story again, to help complete the picture I am trying to paint.

When I met my ex she was trying to recover from addiction to pharmaceutical drugs, not just opiates but a whole range of them. In her defense I will say she did have medical problems in which she needed some of the drugs, on occasion. I say on occasion because the problems where not consistent. During the 7 years we where together and the 11 years I knew her, she never had more than a few months of clean time. She never stopped going to AA or NA for very long though. She made 4 suicide attempts within a 2 year period of time, ranging from damn near death to half ass cries for attention. It was the first 3 attempts which contributed to the end of our marriage and me waking up to the fact I didn't really love her in the way spouses should love each other, this is my part. I married her in an innocent rush thinking well this must be what love is, only later to realize, I loved her as a dear friend and not a soul mate, she was my first serious relationship after getting sober. We shared a lot in common, love if music, nature, gardening, we were quite compatible for the most part but the intimacy and passion didn't exist once the fun of infatuation wore off for me, sex became a chore and not a pleasure.

Her 4th attempt landed her in a state run mental ward and not a nice and cozy private hospital or rehab. When she got out she went to a halfway house and seemed to have finally hit a big enough bottom to really start following recovery suggestions. My guess is she probably stayed clean a little under a year.

While at the halfway house, she met the father of a girl there, he was in recovery also. She left the house before completing the recommended time of stay and move with to a town 4 hours away from Michelle. By this time I had also relapsed, this was 1997. Over the next 2 years we made contact via the connection to Mich, both of us where lying to each other about how bad the active addiction and alcoholism was in our lives. We didn't have any bitterness toward each other, although she was resentful towards me for not helping her out financial, she was having medical problems and I wouldn't provide insurance because I change jobs and it was too expensive to get her a supplemental insurance policy. This was a judgement call on my part, my ex was a hypochondriac/addict with a habit of doctor shopping, while she was on my insurance I saw all the statements showing her doctor shopping, going to doctors 50 or more miles away, plus her by then husband wasn't working and I didn't feel it was my responsibility to provide for her any longer, even though the divorce decree said I had to for another year. My money was tied up in raising Mich and my increased use of alcohol. In hindsight this was sick and wrong of me.

The last time Mich or I saw her alive was around Christmas of 1999, her marriage was on the rocks, she was trying to get me to let her live with us, which I wouldn't or couldn't do. She was a sad shell of her old self. Reflecting back on her parting words to me, I now know what she was planning to do. February 20th 2000, a Saturday morning, I received a phone call saying she had shot herself. I think she just gave up hope and wanted the mental and physical pain to end. Mich was 8 years old. Her death was a big blow to both of us, Mich was left without a mother and I was left with a huge feeling of guilt. The guilt fueled my acceleration into alcohol hell and would continue to be an excuse for poor me drinking. I also had a resentment towards her for leaving me to raise a daughter on my own, a daughter who really need a mother as she matured. I now see how selfish all of this was, the shame and resentment.

My ex-wifes husband sent us some of her belongs a few months after her death. I have been hauling them around with me for 11 years, they have been stored in my mom's shed for the last year. With mom now moving into her apartment the time had come for Mich to sort through the stuff, throw away what she didn't want. She did this on Saturday. It was the first time either of us had spent much time reflecting back on her mother and it was a bittersweet event.

One of the first things to go over where the books, her mother thought she could get recovery from reading self help books, mostly Christian based, my ex struggled with finding a connection to God, she wanted it so bad but never could make a connection good enough for her expectations. Like a lot of people, she was expecting too much and over complicating the simplicity of spirituality, I say this because I was to over complicated spirituality. These books Mich didn't want nor the AA stuff, I will give the Christian books to some friends along with the daily mediation books, her Big Book and poetry books I will keep. My ex loved the comic strip "For Better or Worse" she had most of the bound collections, Mich kept these and a couple of other books which struck her interest. Mich kept a few of her mom's clothes, bedspread and scarves. Also a few things her mom had keep from her own past growing up. Mich didn't know much about her mothers life growing up and I tried to fill in the best I could from memory.

Mich kept the photo albums also. Here is where I was shutting the door. As Mich was pouring over the albums I was messing with Angel and doing yard work. I did help identify certain people in the photos, Mich's grandparent, her late aunt and some of the relatives I knew. My ex was from England, so there has been no real contact with her family since her death, this is our fault, laziness born out of shame has prevented us from writing her dad, who was the only living member of the immediate family, that is if he is still alive. I still have his address and feel it is time both Mich and me try and reconnect if possible, Mich agrees.

When I got home Saturday night, I realized I was shying away from the photo's because I didn't want to open the door of the past too far. There where enough memories and emotions going on inside without adding the photos to them. My ex was a big part of my 4th and 5th steps, yet there is still a mixture of shame, love and regret inside of me concerning her. On occasion I will talk about her at meetings or with friends, especially on Mothers day. Mothers day is the one day I do take to mourn her death, I use to say it was for Mich but it is really for me. They say the grieving process last a long time and it is true. I still grieve my ex-wifes death, I still think about how much of Mich's life she missed out on and how things might of been different for Mich if her mother could have rescued her from my alcoholism, if she would have cleaned up and taken control of her own life. I can't help but have some regrets over the events of the past. I didn't pull the trigger and I never did have the power to get and keep her clean but I played a part her life, some was good and some was bad. As I write this I know the part of me that wants to shut the door is the part that doesn't want to reflect back on the good times we had together, there is a fear of opening a door tears. I am slowly understanding this and now know I need to revisit the past once again. I need to do a spiritual 4th and 5th step, to sit and have tea with a ghost. It is not I that I don't think about my ex on occasion, I do but I still have some peace to make with her and with me over our life together. The Divine works in funny ways, it is spring and perfect time for reflection, my ex loved being out in nature as much as I do, she loved flowers too, time to plant another Bleeding Heart in her memory.

Although Saturday was a day of sorrow, it was also a day of joy and happiness for both of us in our different ways. Mich learned a lot about her mother she didn't know. We bonded on a subject both of us don't talk about a lot. We both needed a bit more closure on Linda's death. Linda left an imprint in our hearts, this imprint will be pasted on to Angel and Carter even though will never get to meet her in person. Linda was a very kind and loving woman but she was also a very sick addict, something which has a strong impact on Mich and me today because both of us are quite capable of being just as sick, the disease is lying dormant in both of us.

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Linda Male. I hope you found the peace you where looking for and the suffering came to an end. I am no longer angry at you for taking your own life, you did what you felt was necessary. I will do what I can to honor your life by being the father and grandpa you believed in and loved so long ago when we first met and both of us where keeping clean and sober a day at a time. I loved you then and I still love you now.

Peace Love and Light
Scott