Just a run down of what I have been doing since my last post. Most of the time I write at work during the dead of the afternoon, since Tuesday I have been training my replacement and also my departure has cause the company to do some reevaluation with the software, this a mile long post in and of its self. Basically I have been able to operate with a crippled system because of the knowledge in my head but now that I am leaving they decided it is time to invest the money to heal the software so to create less work and hassles for my replacement. Also my boss who I have worked with for 10 years has decided to take early retirement, so working on the software will assist his replacement also. As much as I have complained about my boss and his vulgarity, profanity and negativity we really are a Yin and Yang and my leaving effected him deeper than I would ever have dream it would.
It has been pretty a week of spending evenings with N and her kids. Monday was Indian food and a movie. Tuesday N was suppose to get her daughter that doesn't live with her, see lives an hour away, but her 14 year old son who got in big trouble last week decided to take off, so I was over at her house supporting her while she waited for the police, before they got there she found out where he was and met the cop up there, I stayed with the other 2 while N was dealing with difficult son, her trip was canceled because it got to be a very late night. Wednesday I said a formal goodbye to my home group because I am not sure what the next Wednesday's will bring, also on Wednesday I started going over to N's first thing in the morning, since the 14 year now has to spend his day with a recovery friend, he has a babysitter, because he can't be trusted to be on his own, normally all she has to do is get herself and the 9 year old ready, but my coming over has helped get everybody, N included up and ready in a timely manner, I have done this for the last few days and will do it a few times next week as well plus have the 14 year old spend time with me in the afternoons or help move stuff to Lincoln. Thursday night I had N's two daughters and the 9 year old at my house while N and the 14 went to her Thursday meeting, we watched movies and burned classic music. Tonight I took a carload to a meeting up north, good road trip and good meeting and no N wasn't part of the crew, I called her to see how she was doing when I got back to town but left it at that, she was fried.
I know I have been talking about N a lot. Thing is this is new and wonderful for me. It is also damn HARD! We give each other tight hugs with gentle back touching when we see each other and also on breaks at work, she lays her head on my shoulder for brief moments also but nothing else, no kissing or holding hands. I know she wants to spend time with me because we make plans to do things together, tomorrow is a picnic and swimming at the park,then to a bonfire hosted by one of her friends, someone I am not close to and Sunday is miniature golfing, family things. I have really had to ask the Higher Power for strength to stay on this slow and gentle pace, today I really wanted to talk to her about our relationship and where it is going or can go but no it wasn't the time. She has so much on her plate right now with the kids and my moving away she really doesn't need to think about our relationship too much, it would be selfish of me to put more on her plate just so I can satisfy my own emotional needs. This I know and had to accept, she is spending a lot of time with me, when I said she would be seeing my bright smiling face in the morning for a bit more she smiled at me and said good. So I don't have a label to put on this relationship like "dating", "girl friend" or "in a commited relationship with" but in an unspoken way this is all happening it just makes it easier for her this way, she isn't spending her time with other guys, I am there for her and not pushing. This is a good lesson for both of us in taking things slow, not getting co-dependent, not jumping into bed or putting any conditions on things, I have told her over and over there are no strings attached and I mean it. For the first time in my life I think I am really in love with a woman and it is painful. The pain is in being patient for her sake, giving unconditionally, knowing that each day is a step forward in trusting me and me in turn trusting her, that in the end it may all be just a strong and beautiful friendship. I talked to a dear friend of mine in the program tonight about the whole situation, she told be just continue to be gentle and patient, trust God and if it is meant to be it will be, also that when the time is right in the next few weeks the opurtunity will come when we can both sit down and talk about our feelings. I know all this in my head but needed to be reasured from someone who has walked down the path before me.
I want to thank you all for being patient in my writing my feelings out, it helps me out, besides Sarah needs a break from the stuff going in her life, so she can smile at the craziness I am going through.
Peace Love and Light
Scott
Friday, July 10, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Joy and Tears
Wow what a weekend!! I was apprehensive about going to the campout I went to this weekend because of the people who were hosting it, the guy tends to get a bit preachy, talks about the Bible and Jesus in meetings quite a bit, but God took control and I went. N’s fourteen year old son, disappeared Wednesday night, he was out with friends and didn’t come home and she couldn’t find him, she finally called him in to the police and found out the kid he was hanging with has a bad history, vandalism and theft, she came to work Thursday just to keep herself busy, talk about powerless in watching someone you love be in heavy pain and there is nothing you can do but just be there for them with spiritual and emotional support, anywho they found him at noon Thursday, when I talked to her Thursday night she said she really wanted to get away, kids went with us, and relax plus needed the support of the fellowship, so apprehensive or not I said yes, no second thoughts, it ain’t about me. The about ½ of the Happy Campers went up as well.
The campout was an annual event for a group of people in recovery who call themselves the “Nomads” they have been around 26 years, they started out as young people in recovery and at one time they were a registered group. The Nomads hung out together, they would road trip to meetings, have cookouts and campouts, plus attend AA events through out the states. The Nomads were very excited to see this new group of young people in recovery called the Happy Campers show up to their event; they shared much love and support for what we were doing. I had been to a couple of the Nomad meetings over the last 3 years but never spent a weekend with them. The Nomads have a tradition that after you introduce yourself they responded with “Hi Scott, Love you Scott LOTS”, the first time I heard this I thought “these people are f-ing nuts” but I was only 6 months sober and didn’t love myself at that time; now I am quite comfortable with the response, I participate and also tell them “I love you all also” in reply. We participate in all meetings and meals. We had our own late night meetings and some of the Nomads joined us around the bonfire, a few of the newcomers with us opened up and we had some really good feedback sessions. Sunday morning was the spiritual meeting, this was the one I was really apprehensive about, I was concerned that the Christian God would be pushed on me and I would have to defend my beliefs, oh sweet expectation and projection you failed me once again thanks for another lesson. The guy who talks strongly about his religion lead the meeting and for the most part kept it personal and didn’t preach he said the topic was our spiritual journey. I was the second to share and I share about going from Agnostic to becoming a Buddhist and explained part of my reason for moving to Lincoln was that I needed to be part of a Buddhist temple with a teacher, just as others need their church, mosque, synagogue or other place of worship and instruction. This was the first time I have ever gone that far in-depth about my religion in a meeting, if someone would have told me a week ago that I would be sharing about my Buddhism at a meeting of strong Christians I would have told them they were out of there f-ing minds. Another thing happened in that one of the long time and stronger Nomads said she wasn’t Christian or anything else, that she couldn’t even explain her concept of a God very well, this is a woman with over 25 years, this was really amazing to me and made me really comfortable, later we had a one on one, she became a new and respected friend to me and also to N who she had a one on one with her about PTSD, both suffer from past abuse. N got the support she needed over the weekend plus some rest, we were the last to leave, I took the kids down to the river and talked with 2 of them and will be giving N some constructive feedback on what the kids told me and also what I observed. I in turn was blessed by getting to know some people I held in suspect better and gained respect for them, I talked honestly and was accepted as an equal, I practiced giving unconditionally to N and the rest without being a martyr, it was Metta and I made sure I was doing things for me as well. I had 2 great mediation sessions; the one Saturday morning was down by the river it was on Metta plus staying in the moment with awareness of what was around me. The second one was Sunday morning, I was first up so I was able just to venture down the hill a bit after I started coffee that is, this mediation was on being still, I was able to be totally still for a few minutes, allowing the bugs to crawl on me and even nibble a bit, I focused on the vegetation and birds, a couple of the birds even few close by not realizing I was there until they got close, this was my first time being able to do this and I felt great joy and peace. The Happy Campers were invited to join the Nomads anytime they wanted to and we were offered the use of the property for our own campout if we wanted to do something, also my new friend said she wanted to camp with the Happy Campers at one of our future events. So old and young joined hands in fellowship making an new and hopefully lasting bond in the name of Happy, Joyous and Free, in the name of good strong recovery and in the realization that we need each old and new to survive.
I am sad and sentimental as all hell today!!! Part stems from the weekend; the beauty of it all brings tears of joy to my eyes. The other thing is I am starting realize my time is short and that along with N and her kids I will deeply miss my strong circle of close friends, the people I love the most and my strongest support system, a system where no words are needed, some of these people I have known since I first walked back into the rooms 2-1/2 years ago. I am going to say see you later to my home group Wednesday night since I don’t know when I will make a regular meeting there again other than the July birthday night, one of sponsee’s is celebrating 9 months and N will celebrates 3 years so I will drive back for that, I want to thank everyone for all they have done for me, for the love, for the support and encouragement. My sponsor asked me a couple of weeks ago what my biggest concern was about moving and I told him honestly it was finding another home group, I have a temp which may become a permanent but it is on a Friday night and if I get a job working at a halfway house I have a feeling that I will be on the night and weekend shift for a while. I am a bit touched by leaving my job also, I have been with them 10 years, my boss told me this morning he has had enough also and will be taking retirement within the next few months his decision was based in part by my leaving which made me realize how much he depended on the team effort we had. Now to Mich, I don’t know where I am at with her yet, I am a bit scared because she hasn’t found a place to live yet, her and her boyfriend squabble quite a bit so I am leery of them living together, I do know that she will take care of Angel, right now she is taking advantage of dad being there to watch Angel late at night but once I am gone she will settle back down. She is in God’s hands and for now that is the best I can do to keep from getting overwhelmed in my concern for her and Angel, I have offered more than once to let her move to Lincoln with me and share a home on a temporary bases but she says no and wants to stay here, time for her to grow up and dad to let go.
Until the next time
Peace Love and Light
The campout was an annual event for a group of people in recovery who call themselves the “Nomads” they have been around 26 years, they started out as young people in recovery and at one time they were a registered group. The Nomads hung out together, they would road trip to meetings, have cookouts and campouts, plus attend AA events through out the states. The Nomads were very excited to see this new group of young people in recovery called the Happy Campers show up to their event; they shared much love and support for what we were doing. I had been to a couple of the Nomad meetings over the last 3 years but never spent a weekend with them. The Nomads have a tradition that after you introduce yourself they responded with “Hi Scott, Love you Scott LOTS”, the first time I heard this I thought “these people are f-ing nuts” but I was only 6 months sober and didn’t love myself at that time; now I am quite comfortable with the response, I participate and also tell them “I love you all also” in reply. We participate in all meetings and meals. We had our own late night meetings and some of the Nomads joined us around the bonfire, a few of the newcomers with us opened up and we had some really good feedback sessions. Sunday morning was the spiritual meeting, this was the one I was really apprehensive about, I was concerned that the Christian God would be pushed on me and I would have to defend my beliefs, oh sweet expectation and projection you failed me once again thanks for another lesson. The guy who talks strongly about his religion lead the meeting and for the most part kept it personal and didn’t preach he said the topic was our spiritual journey. I was the second to share and I share about going from Agnostic to becoming a Buddhist and explained part of my reason for moving to Lincoln was that I needed to be part of a Buddhist temple with a teacher, just as others need their church, mosque, synagogue or other place of worship and instruction. This was the first time I have ever gone that far in-depth about my religion in a meeting, if someone would have told me a week ago that I would be sharing about my Buddhism at a meeting of strong Christians I would have told them they were out of there f-ing minds. Another thing happened in that one of the long time and stronger Nomads said she wasn’t Christian or anything else, that she couldn’t even explain her concept of a God very well, this is a woman with over 25 years, this was really amazing to me and made me really comfortable, later we had a one on one, she became a new and respected friend to me and also to N who she had a one on one with her about PTSD, both suffer from past abuse. N got the support she needed over the weekend plus some rest, we were the last to leave, I took the kids down to the river and talked with 2 of them and will be giving N some constructive feedback on what the kids told me and also what I observed. I in turn was blessed by getting to know some people I held in suspect better and gained respect for them, I talked honestly and was accepted as an equal, I practiced giving unconditionally to N and the rest without being a martyr, it was Metta and I made sure I was doing things for me as well. I had 2 great mediation sessions; the one Saturday morning was down by the river it was on Metta plus staying in the moment with awareness of what was around me. The second one was Sunday morning, I was first up so I was able just to venture down the hill a bit after I started coffee that is, this mediation was on being still, I was able to be totally still for a few minutes, allowing the bugs to crawl on me and even nibble a bit, I focused on the vegetation and birds, a couple of the birds even few close by not realizing I was there until they got close, this was my first time being able to do this and I felt great joy and peace. The Happy Campers were invited to join the Nomads anytime they wanted to and we were offered the use of the property for our own campout if we wanted to do something, also my new friend said she wanted to camp with the Happy Campers at one of our future events. So old and young joined hands in fellowship making an new and hopefully lasting bond in the name of Happy, Joyous and Free, in the name of good strong recovery and in the realization that we need each old and new to survive.
I am sad and sentimental as all hell today!!! Part stems from the weekend; the beauty of it all brings tears of joy to my eyes. The other thing is I am starting realize my time is short and that along with N and her kids I will deeply miss my strong circle of close friends, the people I love the most and my strongest support system, a system where no words are needed, some of these people I have known since I first walked back into the rooms 2-1/2 years ago. I am going to say see you later to my home group Wednesday night since I don’t know when I will make a regular meeting there again other than the July birthday night, one of sponsee’s is celebrating 9 months and N will celebrates 3 years so I will drive back for that, I want to thank everyone for all they have done for me, for the love, for the support and encouragement. My sponsor asked me a couple of weeks ago what my biggest concern was about moving and I told him honestly it was finding another home group, I have a temp which may become a permanent but it is on a Friday night and if I get a job working at a halfway house I have a feeling that I will be on the night and weekend shift for a while. I am a bit touched by leaving my job also, I have been with them 10 years, my boss told me this morning he has had enough also and will be taking retirement within the next few months his decision was based in part by my leaving which made me realize how much he depended on the team effort we had. Now to Mich, I don’t know where I am at with her yet, I am a bit scared because she hasn’t found a place to live yet, her and her boyfriend squabble quite a bit so I am leery of them living together, I do know that she will take care of Angel, right now she is taking advantage of dad being there to watch Angel late at night but once I am gone she will settle back down. She is in God’s hands and for now that is the best I can do to keep from getting overwhelmed in my concern for her and Angel, I have offered more than once to let her move to Lincoln with me and share a home on a temporary bases but she says no and wants to stay here, time for her to grow up and dad to let go.
Until the next time
Peace Love and Light
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Photos from Sober float
1)Ladies and Gentlemen Mr. Wolfie185
2)Part of the crew, that's N next to me
3)N her daughter Kayla, my buddy J and some dude who got in the way
4)Morning mist on the Niobrara river just below our campsite
5)Along the river
6)Beautiful Nebraska praire
THERE IS A NEW BLOG POST BELOW THIS ABOUT MY TRIP TO LINCOLN, IT WAS A GOD DAY!!!
Metta on the Highway
Metta on the highway!! So I am driving down the interstate yesterday headed to Lincoln, other drivers and truckers are starting to trip me out and the line from “Born to be Wild” by Steppenwolf pops into my head, only instead of “Head out on the Highway” my mind sings “Metta on the Highway”. Metta is the Buddhist term for Loving Kindness and a mediation practice, so every time another driver did some thing that wasn’t of “my” prefect style of driving or a trucker was kissing my bumper, hey I am going 80mph in a 75mph, I hum “Metta on the Highway” which gives me a chuckle and defuses my irritation at other drivers.
Yesterday was a God day or maybe just some good karma, I can see it from both insights. My first search for housing was in northwest Lincoln and proved that I couldn’t afford what was available so now I know about that neighborhood. I dropped off my resumes at the 2 treatment centers, the HR person wasn’t available at the first one and at the second one their HR is on leave until August and all hiring and interviewing is on freeze until then. My next stop was at 1 of 2 halfway house facilitators, I filled out a job app, handed in my resume and actually talked to the administrator for a couple of minutes, she told me they are always looking for good help and not to brag but my resume is very good, so I shouldn’t have a problem getting an interview. At the second halfway house I handed my resume to the guy who does the interviews, didn’t talk to him much but at least he got to see a clean cut well dress person submitting an a resume. That evening I talked to a guy I know who works at the second house and he told me they are in the process of interviewing right now, so again I should get an interview. I do really well with interviews, just like when I do an AA presentation I may be all shades of nervous but I come across calm. I am honest in an interview, up beat and positive, so the times I have failed at an interview have been due to lack of qualification. Higher Power works because by nature I am fairly reserved but interviews and presentations are one of those areas where the HP steps, it also helps that I don’t BS, I talk about what I know and from the heart. If I don’t score a job I will be alright, I have to the set my mind that I may not, awareness of expectations.
My friend and I drove around looking for houses for rent in the area of town she lives in, old part of town, but there wasn’t much and what there was, was either too big, too small or a dump. We went to a meeting and I talked to a friend of mine who told me another guy in the fellowship, who I know but not well is a property manager, so I will call him this afternoon and see if he can give me any assistance. The meeting was another God sent, it is a speaker meeting. I really identified with the speaker, he talked about growing up always anxious, oh yeah been there done that I have chapter in the book, he also express his spiritualism as very general, all encompassing not of one ideal or another. I talked to him after the meeting and we hit it off. He just moved to Lincoln a year ago so was relatively new to the area, I talked about being a Buddhist and how I came to be one via the 11th step. We exchanged phone numbers and email addresses, he buzzed one off to me already about get together to visit once I move. I don’t think he is material for a replacement sponsor but he will definitely be someone to hang out with, he invited me to use his mediation studio, he is a novice also. I in turn told him about Kevin Griffin’s book One Breath at a Time which he wants to check out. I have a few friends I connect with in Lincoln but it is really nice to connect with some one on a more intellectual level, he is a literature professor at the University of Nebraska, coffee and a dissection of Grapes of Wrath anyone.
The drive home was good. Nothing exciting which as it should be at 10:00pm thru midnight on an interstate.
Until the next time
Peace Love and Light
Yesterday was a God day or maybe just some good karma, I can see it from both insights. My first search for housing was in northwest Lincoln and proved that I couldn’t afford what was available so now I know about that neighborhood. I dropped off my resumes at the 2 treatment centers, the HR person wasn’t available at the first one and at the second one their HR is on leave until August and all hiring and interviewing is on freeze until then. My next stop was at 1 of 2 halfway house facilitators, I filled out a job app, handed in my resume and actually talked to the administrator for a couple of minutes, she told me they are always looking for good help and not to brag but my resume is very good, so I shouldn’t have a problem getting an interview. At the second halfway house I handed my resume to the guy who does the interviews, didn’t talk to him much but at least he got to see a clean cut well dress person submitting an a resume. That evening I talked to a guy I know who works at the second house and he told me they are in the process of interviewing right now, so again I should get an interview. I do really well with interviews, just like when I do an AA presentation I may be all shades of nervous but I come across calm. I am honest in an interview, up beat and positive, so the times I have failed at an interview have been due to lack of qualification. Higher Power works because by nature I am fairly reserved but interviews and presentations are one of those areas where the HP steps, it also helps that I don’t BS, I talk about what I know and from the heart. If I don’t score a job I will be alright, I have to the set my mind that I may not, awareness of expectations.
My friend and I drove around looking for houses for rent in the area of town she lives in, old part of town, but there wasn’t much and what there was, was either too big, too small or a dump. We went to a meeting and I talked to a friend of mine who told me another guy in the fellowship, who I know but not well is a property manager, so I will call him this afternoon and see if he can give me any assistance. The meeting was another God sent, it is a speaker meeting. I really identified with the speaker, he talked about growing up always anxious, oh yeah been there done that I have chapter in the book, he also express his spiritualism as very general, all encompassing not of one ideal or another. I talked to him after the meeting and we hit it off. He just moved to Lincoln a year ago so was relatively new to the area, I talked about being a Buddhist and how I came to be one via the 11th step. We exchanged phone numbers and email addresses, he buzzed one off to me already about get together to visit once I move. I don’t think he is material for a replacement sponsor but he will definitely be someone to hang out with, he invited me to use his mediation studio, he is a novice also. I in turn told him about Kevin Griffin’s book One Breath at a Time which he wants to check out. I have a few friends I connect with in Lincoln but it is really nice to connect with some one on a more intellectual level, he is a literature professor at the University of Nebraska, coffee and a dissection of Grapes of Wrath anyone.
The drive home was good. Nothing exciting which as it should be at 10:00pm thru midnight on an interstate.
Until the next time
Peace Love and Light
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
So now you know
So now you know what I look like, this was taken at the family reunion,
Michelle, Grandpa and Angel
Monday, June 29, 2009
More of the Story
Saturday went the way God intended it to, we got started later than I wanted to because my friend was working with her sponsee, the sponsee went as well but rode with another guy, I hadn't planned on either, my morning mediation was on "it's not about me". We got there in time for the afternoon speaker meeting and then all of us went to the park and walked around, so I had no time alone with my friend, I asked the guy who was with us if it was cool that we were going to eat Chinese for supper, he was hesitant but said yes, later he told my he know I wanted to spend some time alone with N and didn't want to get in interfere, I told him it was cool which it was because he is my friend and I like being around him as well. The talent show was really good, couple of hilarious recovery skits plus some good musicians. There were only a dozen or so of us at the dance but we all had a great time N dance country swing with my friend since I have two left feet and she danced the better part of rock with me pulling some other guys out on the floor on occasion, plus we had couple of slow songs, I had the DJ play "When you saying nothing at all" by Alison Kraus. Through out the day I did some light flirting, the night ended with a tight hug and a peck on the forehead.
Yesterday morning my phone died, got it replaced today. Prior to leaving for the reunion I sent N a private facebook message saying that my feelings for her were deeper than just friends and that I had saw a woman child transform into a woman and my eyes were just opening up to that, I also told her I wanted to talk to her alone because there is more I need to say to her, part of which was written in the previous blog post. N's computer is down, I told her to use mine yesterday but she never got around to it. The reunion went well, saw some cousins, visited with a few but for the most part hung around my immediate family, my sponsee and I had a good visit down and back.
I left work at 3, talked to N off and on, she was having a bad day, I didn't interfere much other than give her my thoughts on a couple of things, she was also very tried. She was online when I left and figured she would be checking her facebook. We meet later for a meeting on the benefit we are involved in, she was a bit distant, she left without saying anything to me or giving me a hug, so I know she read the message. I went over to a mutual friend of ours and told her about everything. We both agreed that N probably needs time to digest what I wrote, it might be a bit scarry with me moving and all, or it may be she didn't want me to feel this way and doesn't know how to tell me. I can mess my head all up playing a guessing game but I won't, can't say I am completely calm about all this either but I said what I had to say because I needed to. I needed to tell her how I feel, to find out if she feels remotely the same. Maybe tomorrow she will be up to talking to me, if not then I will have tell her I am sorry if I hurt her and it wasn't intensional. Like a blogger friend says life is complicated. I stick by my guns about relationships though, I need to be more accertive in a companionate way, so if N just wants to stay friends or what ever, either one of us are into the sex bubby thing, I have once again made progess on one of my biggest fears.
On this wanting a relationship thing that has been running through my post, I guess it comes from feeling a bit lonely, really wanting someone to just snuggle and kiss, being told and knowing I have a lot of great qualities for the right person and also accepting that I am a good looking man, that I don't look 46 and even if I am not buff and I have lot more to offer than pecks. Maybe part of it is the empty nest thing also, I am going to be alone soon and even though I have been there before there may be an underlying need to have some one around, know that I don't have to have Mich's 100% approval of who is hanging out at the house. I have also grown enough emotionally to understand the what it takes to be a companion, a lover and a friend, one of my awareness practices is to understand lust without the rest is an unhealthy craving.
Yesterday morning my phone died, got it replaced today. Prior to leaving for the reunion I sent N a private facebook message saying that my feelings for her were deeper than just friends and that I had saw a woman child transform into a woman and my eyes were just opening up to that, I also told her I wanted to talk to her alone because there is more I need to say to her, part of which was written in the previous blog post. N's computer is down, I told her to use mine yesterday but she never got around to it. The reunion went well, saw some cousins, visited with a few but for the most part hung around my immediate family, my sponsee and I had a good visit down and back.
I left work at 3, talked to N off and on, she was having a bad day, I didn't interfere much other than give her my thoughts on a couple of things, she was also very tried. She was online when I left and figured she would be checking her facebook. We meet later for a meeting on the benefit we are involved in, she was a bit distant, she left without saying anything to me or giving me a hug, so I know she read the message. I went over to a mutual friend of ours and told her about everything. We both agreed that N probably needs time to digest what I wrote, it might be a bit scarry with me moving and all, or it may be she didn't want me to feel this way and doesn't know how to tell me. I can mess my head all up playing a guessing game but I won't, can't say I am completely calm about all this either but I said what I had to say because I needed to. I needed to tell her how I feel, to find out if she feels remotely the same. Maybe tomorrow she will be up to talking to me, if not then I will have tell her I am sorry if I hurt her and it wasn't intensional. Like a blogger friend says life is complicated. I stick by my guns about relationships though, I need to be more accertive in a companionate way, so if N just wants to stay friends or what ever, either one of us are into the sex bubby thing, I have once again made progess on one of my biggest fears.
On this wanting a relationship thing that has been running through my post, I guess it comes from feeling a bit lonely, really wanting someone to just snuggle and kiss, being told and knowing I have a lot of great qualities for the right person and also accepting that I am a good looking man, that I don't look 46 and even if I am not buff and I have lot more to offer than pecks. Maybe part of it is the empty nest thing also, I am going to be alone soon and even though I have been there before there may be an underlying need to have some one around, know that I don't have to have Mich's 100% approval of who is hanging out at the house. I have also grown enough emotionally to understand the what it takes to be a companion, a lover and a friend, one of my awareness practices is to understand lust without the rest is an unhealthy craving.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Follow the bouncing post.
Well it is only 8:45am my work load is really light so thought I would start a ramble. One day I will try a 55 Friday, but this will be more like 5555 words give or take 100 ;-D We are still not laying people off but our big agricultural sprayer customers are slowing way down so we don’t have a bunch of summer orders, for the most part people are building stock items for parts we sell to John Deere and doing piddly stuff to keep them busy, the guy who does testing has been playing a lot of solitary on the PC and management isn’t saying anything. Did I tell you the one thing I like about this company is they are very laid back, probably never work for another quite like them.
I mentioned that one of the guys I sponsor was banging dope over the weekend. The guy M has been working with me since about October, he is one of those sponsee’s that will really sink his teeth into recovery for a short time then abruptly stop and usually relapse. We will have a few weeks of talking and seeing each other at meetings or him coming by the house then nothing. During his absence’s he wasn’t always drinking or using, he would get passionately involved in Charismatic religion and that would work for short periods of time. M has mental health problems also, so his mind send him in different directions with out much thought, and he is seeing a counselor for this. The good thing is his time out after a relapse is getting shorter, so there is willingness. The other night I told him I wasn’t sure what else I could do for him, I suggested he concentrate solely on the fact that he was powerless over drugs and alcohol, nothing more, nothing less; to stop worrying about the causes and any other form of mental masturbation that he has the habit of doing, to keep it simple. He told me he had also stopped journaling and stopped reading the Big Book, I had suggested he read pages 86 and 87 every morning, so I suggested he start doing those things again because along with meetings and hanging out with recovery people he was staying sober doing those things and was happy. I will always be there for M and I hope he can find a recovery practice that works for him, like always the choice is his, I can carry the message but I can’t carry the alcoholic or addict. I only know what works for me, my sponsor and those I am closest too, but there may be someone else out there who can help M, well besides God.
The disease took a member in town about 45 minutes away from here, some of us know him, he would show up at events we had with his sponsee’s or we would see him when we went to meetings there. TK had around 7 years clean and sober, it is still unclear whether he was using again or not, stories are going around both ways. The sad thing is TK started isolating and distancing himself from people. In one form or the other he took his own life. It is sad and tragic, I reiterated at the mental health hospital meeting and the jail meeting last that this fucking disease kills!! I have known people take their own lives after they got sober because they just couldn’t deal with the feelings that where coming to the surface. I don’t know what the stat’s are but I have heard that just as many people commit suicide after they get clean and sober as do those who do it while practicing. One of my special friends still has a hard time accepting the nature of the disease and while deaths due to the disease of addiction or alcoholism sadden me I have learned to accept them as the nature of the disease, shed some tears, say a blessing and move on, might sound a bit harsh but that’s how I deal with those loses, I also remind myself and others “but by the Grace of God, there go I” we who are alive, clean and sober are miracles for today, may our “today’s add up.
Tomorrow is the Nebraska state AA reunion in a town 1-1/2 hours from here. I am taking my friend and her 2 daughters with me. The reunion use to have a lot of speakers but the area lacks the funds to have as many as they once did. Tomorrow morning is an old timer’s forum, in the afternoon there is an Al-anon speaker followed by an AA speaker, and then our area delegate will give her report from GSO, in the evening is a talent show followed by your choice of large meeting or dance. About 75% of the districts have hospitality rooms so you cruise around talk to people, meet some new ones and sample the goodies in the hospitality rooms, so really you don’t have to pay for lunch or supper. The town where the reunion is taking place has a nice park so I told my friend that during the delegate’s report we would take the girls over there and walk around, then go out to supper at a Mongolian barbeque restaurant, during the talent show the girls can go swimming then it is time to dance. If my friend wasn’t going with me I would opt out of the dance and head to the meeting where my comfort zone lies. I am still afraid of reject so I can’t ask someone to dance, even though I can dance and love music I am scared shitless that I will be judged and ridiculed by my partner, this is one of those deep seated fears that I am trying to work on but is extremely powerful and goes back way too many years. Yes I know I am not being judged but they telling that to a deep seated feeling of insecurity, that scrawny teenager still lurks in the recesses of my mind and over powers the average built and somewhat attractive man.
Sunday I will return to the same town as the AA event for a family reunion. It will be the first time just the decedents of my maternal grandparents have had a reunion on our own, always in the past family reunions have included cousins so many times removed you need a NASA data base to figure out who is who, that is if even you care and honestly folks I don’t. It will be nice to visit with some cousins I haven’t seen in years. I have a niece from Tacoma WA and one from Chicago coming in for it also, so I am looking forward to spend time with them. My family isn’t a drinking family so there won’t be a ton of beer there; I was always the one going for a drive to drink a few in the past. One of my sponsee’s is dating my niece who is also in recovery plus my cousin and her boyfriend are both in recovery so more than likely we will hang out together. Strange new twist for me, I am actually looking forward to attending this, I think I am finally starting to shed some of the terminal uniqueness and not worrying about not having anything in common with my relatives, I am alright just sitting still and listening or taking a stroll if I need some personal quiet time, sharing what I have to share and leaving it at that. Also Angel will be there and she spends a lot of time by grandpa’s side and grandpa spends a lot of time by her side. Oh yeah Angel is going to make a liar out of Grandpa, she will be 1 on July 4th and the way things were going I didn’t think she would be walking by then but the last few days she has been stand on her own and taking a couple of slow steps, so know how fast she progresses she may have the walking started by the 4th.
The friend who is going with me to the AA event is the one who has stirred up some special emotions within me. She was the one who’s house I was at Sunday and with the exception of last night she has found a reason to be over at my house every night since. She told me when we where camping a couple of weeks ago that she was mad at me for leaving and said she understood it was selfish of her to feel that way. The topic of my leaving is something we try and avoid as much as possible. I told her Wednesday night that we need to make the best of the time we have together while I am close and that is happening, the hugs are getting tighter the special smiles are too. When she was over at the house Wednesday night I was playing some old music for her daughter and started to busta move to some old funk and she said “I hope to see more of that Saturday” just a simple statement but it was a good statement. We are having an Indian supper and disc burning evening Monday, I have Nan bread, Biryani paste for a curry and will make saffron rice, sorry the dessert will have to be a layered chocolate cake. I have a bunch of classic rock and soul music that we are going to turn into play list for my friend and her daughter. Tomorrow will be a good day to visit both on the drive and walking around the park, I am hoping we can both open up a bit more to what is going on inside, I may have to take the lead here and tell her my feelings. I have thought about this from different angles and feel it is better to let her know and accept her reply whatever that is, than to not say a word and have 2 people walking around with hidden feelings. Here is another odd thing and maybe a God thing, we work together and I am a fairly strong believer you don’t have a relationship with a co-worker, so now that I am leaving this attraction comes to the front. Maybe if this had happened before it could have been uncomfortable for both of us. I have watched her grow and strengthen which adds to the spiritual attraction. Physical attraction in women has always been a third of the attraction for me, I need to be spiritually and intellectually attracted as well, the physical attraction to her isn’t overwhelm which I find refreshing, so the lust level isn’t heavy. My ideal couple has always been John Lennon and Yoko Ono, John could have had any stunning woman he wanted yet he connected with Yoko who wasn’t a beauty queen but was attractive, John fell in love with a woman who completed him and he saw the attraction at deeper than skin level. I think a lot of people, myself include, start at the physical and work there way inward if they ever do, guys definitely do this, women seem to see deeper when choosing a partner. Anyway that’s my perspective on that. Alright so I understand that the whole thing with my friend is as Kevin Griffin would say “me telling myself stories” and that I need to understand expectations and prospective, the story I am telling myself may just be a story and she may tell me she just likes being with me as a friend who she won’t get a chance to spend much more time with very soon. She may say she is too afraid to get any closer, she may say any number of things. I have to open myself up to all possibilities, I need to be open to Right Speech, Right View, Right Intent, Right Mindfulness, I have to open myself up to my Higher Power. If all of this is for nothing then I have learned something for the next time I find someone I feel I am attracted to and connect with, bit by bit I can learn not to take rejection personally, not with someone who is already a friend anyway, it will be easier for me to take a chance and roll the dice, instead of sitting at home wondering what might be. Everything is a lesson in understanding suffering and using the Dharma to keep on the middle path as much as possible and trusting my God, good old 3rd step. Maybe Monday I will have a different tale to tell, but this is me in this short moment in time.
Well that’s all for now. I know the ball bounced around a lot on this post but the nice thing about writing for me is I get things out, I open up to me and I open up to anyone who is still reading this.
Until the next time
Peace Love and Light
I mentioned that one of the guys I sponsor was banging dope over the weekend. The guy M has been working with me since about October, he is one of those sponsee’s that will really sink his teeth into recovery for a short time then abruptly stop and usually relapse. We will have a few weeks of talking and seeing each other at meetings or him coming by the house then nothing. During his absence’s he wasn’t always drinking or using, he would get passionately involved in Charismatic religion and that would work for short periods of time. M has mental health problems also, so his mind send him in different directions with out much thought, and he is seeing a counselor for this. The good thing is his time out after a relapse is getting shorter, so there is willingness. The other night I told him I wasn’t sure what else I could do for him, I suggested he concentrate solely on the fact that he was powerless over drugs and alcohol, nothing more, nothing less; to stop worrying about the causes and any other form of mental masturbation that he has the habit of doing, to keep it simple. He told me he had also stopped journaling and stopped reading the Big Book, I had suggested he read pages 86 and 87 every morning, so I suggested he start doing those things again because along with meetings and hanging out with recovery people he was staying sober doing those things and was happy. I will always be there for M and I hope he can find a recovery practice that works for him, like always the choice is his, I can carry the message but I can’t carry the alcoholic or addict. I only know what works for me, my sponsor and those I am closest too, but there may be someone else out there who can help M, well besides God.
The disease took a member in town about 45 minutes away from here, some of us know him, he would show up at events we had with his sponsee’s or we would see him when we went to meetings there. TK had around 7 years clean and sober, it is still unclear whether he was using again or not, stories are going around both ways. The sad thing is TK started isolating and distancing himself from people. In one form or the other he took his own life. It is sad and tragic, I reiterated at the mental health hospital meeting and the jail meeting last that this fucking disease kills!! I have known people take their own lives after they got sober because they just couldn’t deal with the feelings that where coming to the surface. I don’t know what the stat’s are but I have heard that just as many people commit suicide after they get clean and sober as do those who do it while practicing. One of my special friends still has a hard time accepting the nature of the disease and while deaths due to the disease of addiction or alcoholism sadden me I have learned to accept them as the nature of the disease, shed some tears, say a blessing and move on, might sound a bit harsh but that’s how I deal with those loses, I also remind myself and others “but by the Grace of God, there go I” we who are alive, clean and sober are miracles for today, may our “today’s add up.
Tomorrow is the Nebraska state AA reunion in a town 1-1/2 hours from here. I am taking my friend and her 2 daughters with me. The reunion use to have a lot of speakers but the area lacks the funds to have as many as they once did. Tomorrow morning is an old timer’s forum, in the afternoon there is an Al-anon speaker followed by an AA speaker, and then our area delegate will give her report from GSO, in the evening is a talent show followed by your choice of large meeting or dance. About 75% of the districts have hospitality rooms so you cruise around talk to people, meet some new ones and sample the goodies in the hospitality rooms, so really you don’t have to pay for lunch or supper. The town where the reunion is taking place has a nice park so I told my friend that during the delegate’s report we would take the girls over there and walk around, then go out to supper at a Mongolian barbeque restaurant, during the talent show the girls can go swimming then it is time to dance. If my friend wasn’t going with me I would opt out of the dance and head to the meeting where my comfort zone lies. I am still afraid of reject so I can’t ask someone to dance, even though I can dance and love music I am scared shitless that I will be judged and ridiculed by my partner, this is one of those deep seated fears that I am trying to work on but is extremely powerful and goes back way too many years. Yes I know I am not being judged but they telling that to a deep seated feeling of insecurity, that scrawny teenager still lurks in the recesses of my mind and over powers the average built and somewhat attractive man.
Sunday I will return to the same town as the AA event for a family reunion. It will be the first time just the decedents of my maternal grandparents have had a reunion on our own, always in the past family reunions have included cousins so many times removed you need a NASA data base to figure out who is who, that is if even you care and honestly folks I don’t. It will be nice to visit with some cousins I haven’t seen in years. I have a niece from Tacoma WA and one from Chicago coming in for it also, so I am looking forward to spend time with them. My family isn’t a drinking family so there won’t be a ton of beer there; I was always the one going for a drive to drink a few in the past. One of my sponsee’s is dating my niece who is also in recovery plus my cousin and her boyfriend are both in recovery so more than likely we will hang out together. Strange new twist for me, I am actually looking forward to attending this, I think I am finally starting to shed some of the terminal uniqueness and not worrying about not having anything in common with my relatives, I am alright just sitting still and listening or taking a stroll if I need some personal quiet time, sharing what I have to share and leaving it at that. Also Angel will be there and she spends a lot of time by grandpa’s side and grandpa spends a lot of time by her side. Oh yeah Angel is going to make a liar out of Grandpa, she will be 1 on July 4th and the way things were going I didn’t think she would be walking by then but the last few days she has been stand on her own and taking a couple of slow steps, so know how fast she progresses she may have the walking started by the 4th.
The friend who is going with me to the AA event is the one who has stirred up some special emotions within me. She was the one who’s house I was at Sunday and with the exception of last night she has found a reason to be over at my house every night since. She told me when we where camping a couple of weeks ago that she was mad at me for leaving and said she understood it was selfish of her to feel that way. The topic of my leaving is something we try and avoid as much as possible. I told her Wednesday night that we need to make the best of the time we have together while I am close and that is happening, the hugs are getting tighter the special smiles are too. When she was over at the house Wednesday night I was playing some old music for her daughter and started to busta move to some old funk and she said “I hope to see more of that Saturday” just a simple statement but it was a good statement. We are having an Indian supper and disc burning evening Monday, I have Nan bread, Biryani paste for a curry and will make saffron rice, sorry the dessert will have to be a layered chocolate cake. I have a bunch of classic rock and soul music that we are going to turn into play list for my friend and her daughter. Tomorrow will be a good day to visit both on the drive and walking around the park, I am hoping we can both open up a bit more to what is going on inside, I may have to take the lead here and tell her my feelings. I have thought about this from different angles and feel it is better to let her know and accept her reply whatever that is, than to not say a word and have 2 people walking around with hidden feelings. Here is another odd thing and maybe a God thing, we work together and I am a fairly strong believer you don’t have a relationship with a co-worker, so now that I am leaving this attraction comes to the front. Maybe if this had happened before it could have been uncomfortable for both of us. I have watched her grow and strengthen which adds to the spiritual attraction. Physical attraction in women has always been a third of the attraction for me, I need to be spiritually and intellectually attracted as well, the physical attraction to her isn’t overwhelm which I find refreshing, so the lust level isn’t heavy. My ideal couple has always been John Lennon and Yoko Ono, John could have had any stunning woman he wanted yet he connected with Yoko who wasn’t a beauty queen but was attractive, John fell in love with a woman who completed him and he saw the attraction at deeper than skin level. I think a lot of people, myself include, start at the physical and work there way inward if they ever do, guys definitely do this, women seem to see deeper when choosing a partner. Anyway that’s my perspective on that. Alright so I understand that the whole thing with my friend is as Kevin Griffin would say “me telling myself stories” and that I need to understand expectations and prospective, the story I am telling myself may just be a story and she may tell me she just likes being with me as a friend who she won’t get a chance to spend much more time with very soon. She may say she is too afraid to get any closer, she may say any number of things. I have to open myself up to all possibilities, I need to be open to Right Speech, Right View, Right Intent, Right Mindfulness, I have to open myself up to my Higher Power. If all of this is for nothing then I have learned something for the next time I find someone I feel I am attracted to and connect with, bit by bit I can learn not to take rejection personally, not with someone who is already a friend anyway, it will be easier for me to take a chance and roll the dice, instead of sitting at home wondering what might be. Everything is a lesson in understanding suffering and using the Dharma to keep on the middle path as much as possible and trusting my God, good old 3rd step. Maybe Monday I will have a different tale to tell, but this is me in this short moment in time.
Well that’s all for now. I know the ball bounced around a lot on this post but the nice thing about writing for me is I get things out, I open up to me and I open up to anyone who is still reading this.
Until the next time
Peace Love and Light
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