The more I am around my granddaughter (Angel) the more I am amazed at her and notice little things and gain insight into myself and life as a whole. Of course all this has been assisted by the writings of His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hahn. I look at her and realize how perfect she is in that she has no prejudice, no hatred, no unreal fears, no preconceived notions, wow she is a Buddha. Problem being is those things will come along in the future to a greater or lesser extent. I did my best with her mommy, but I still had the shadows of ignorance in my soul; she was the only kid in the small town of Overton Nebraska who was raised listening to Dylan, Jackson Browne, Bob Marley (not the best of junk from Legend but original recordings where the songs were about social injustice, Jah and Rasta), socially conscience singer/songwriters, she understood human and civil right, learned to respect people of different races, culture, sexual orientation, religions, she was taught that dancing to the beat of a differant drummer was a good thing and that the following the status quo was sometimes emotionally and spiritually unhealthy, she learned that it was alright to question your government even when the government was at war, she learned about war from a veteran (me) who opposed the invasion of Iraq, when she showed an interest in Punk at around 12 she received disc's by The Clash, Dead Kennedy’s, Ramones, Iggy, Black Flag, Bad Religion and Sex Pistols for Christmas. All this was the bright sided, the side my addiction didn’t totally kill, the teacher. The other side was not having enough money for new clothes or shoes because the old man spent it on booze and smokes, the house being an embarrassing mess, being left on her own or being allowed to run wild in sometimes dangerous situations, living with a fear of dad going to jail or killing himself, she was raise without understanding spirituality, strong moral and personal ethics, she didn’t understand self discipline because she wasn’t shown any at home, she has abandonment issues today because I was a drunk and her mother was an addict who committed suicide when she was 8 years old. With any luck she can take that suffering and turn it into a positive tool so that Angel never has to experience all of this, that she can make her life with Angel a better one than she had in those areas that sucked. Now that Grunpa is sober and clean he will do what he can, if nothing else I can be a living example of spirituality, compassion, love, tolerance, happiness and hope, as long as I don’t let up on my basic routine and fall down the hole of addiction again, all I have is today and today I am living life on life’s terms and doing my best to walk a spiritual path. So much for the deep stuff.
I am totally amazed at how happy and content Angel is, so peaceful. At only 4 weeks old she is smiling and acknowledging love and affection. The only time she gets upset is when she is hungry and she does like her milk, healthy appetite she does have. Her neck muscles are getting stronger, last night she was able to hold her head up for a little bit, she is also pushing with her legs. From all appearances she is observant and looks around at stuff the best she can. It is and will be a total joy to watch her grow and see just what her individual personality and traits will be. Is she going to be a very active child, always on the go? Or will she be mellow and content? Maybe with any luck she will take the middle road. I have no doubt she will be a bit independent, too many independent genes and influences in her life for her not to be. Did she inherit her mother’s strong will? If so then her mother is in for some Karma pay back. All these questions and many more will be answered in their own time. For now I just give her love and compassion, I talk to her in a calm voice using regular words and leave out the baby talk. I hope we can grow together, that I can continue to learn from her and she can learn from me. I jokingly told her mother that the first word she says will be Namaste. Oh Yeah, Grunpa is my lazy speech word for grandpa, it comes out grunpa which is a cool new twist, did I mention individualism :-)
Life's a rollercoaster
2 weeks ago