Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Missing Someone

The muse woke up this afternoon and I jotted down this poem

Missing Someone

I am missing someone today
Burning eyes without a face
Eyes I see are many to me
Collage of those I hold dear

I am missing my dad today
His death is still surreal
More like he is on vacation
Less like he is dead
Dear man I miss you most

I am missing some friends today
They took their lives
The booze and drugs that took control
In the end they were all alone

I am missing someone today
Burnings eyes through life
Mystic haze
Touch me deep inside

I am missing my heroes today
Lennon’s imagination
Stevie Ray with his beat up Strat
Cash’s song for everyman
Waylon’s hypnotic voice and the black hat
Marley singing for one world for one love
Pickers, singers and poets, who touched the very heart of me

I am missing an ex today
She wasn’t my true love
She was my dear friend
Suicide ultimate act of selfish pain
Easier to die than face tomorrow

I am missing someone today
Someone I have never met
Someone who will show up later
A friend to fill a void and maybe move along

I am not missing me today
I am here
I am aware
No longer incarcerated in the prison of my soul

Yes I miss someone today
But sadness is free
I have loved
I will love again
Missing someone is being alive in the world

S.E.W 12-30-08

Reflections 2008

Obama won
No more smirking chimp
Slinging dung at the world

Granddaughter born
Bring a bright light into my world
So much love and joy in a beautiful face

Daughter getting it together
Growing up and getting wiser
Understanding mistakes
Living in solutions

Spiritual awaking
Daily opportunities
Wall of selfishness slowly
Crumbing down

Becoming a son
Helping out instead of needing help
Having to parent the parents on occasion
Role reversal what a bitch

Watching the old gray wolf die
Letting go of the strong one
His soul is peaceful now
Breathing no long a chore

Watching ones loved
Crash and burn
Trampled by the disease of addict
Saying the last goodbye to an angel

Staying sober
Service work
Helping others
Desires and cravings thing of the past
Daily reprieve with spiritual help

New friends came
Old friendships renewed
Friendships passed when there season was through

Watching a sibling grow ill
Spiritual and emotional sickness
Powerless to help

Planted new roses
Built a flower bed
Built a tool shed
Not perfect but that’s alright

I learned to see beauty more intensely
Morning dew on a spider web
Hearing birds over road sounds
Touching the earth
See how we all connect

Did some new things
Didn’t do some old things

Got to spend some time camping
Next year
Learn to manage money better
Stop smoking
Find a new career
Join a sangha
Learn to sit cross legged in mediation for more than a couple of minutes
Maybe move to Lincoln
No hard core expectations
Just basic plans for change

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A Walker and some Toys

Life is so simple when you are 5 months old! Life is good when you can sit in a walker with 2 attached toys and a couple of others to just play with. You can lean back and look at grandpa’s wallpaper or the interesting things on the shelf. What is Christmas? What is a Monday? I am not hungry and my diaper is dry, life is good. If I get bored all I have to do is make a little crying noise and grandpa will pick me up, he will hold my arms and let stretch my legs and that feels good. He will talk to me in a silly voice, his voice is the sound of love, he won’t hurt me. Grandpa likes to sing to me in his rough, gentle voice, or rock me to sleep even though I don’t want to sleep, too much to look at and try and understand, but I can’t fight the soothing swaying back and forth the gentle patting of my back, I stop fighting and drift off. My life is good and I want for nothing. Grandpa says we are blessed, whatever that means. Mommy will come soon, she will kiss me, take me home and then I can sleep in my bed with Pooh to keep me company and mommy to make sure I am not unhappy too long when my tummy is empty or my bottom is wet. Yes life is good when your 5 months old

Friday, December 12, 2008

What's that sound??

“Its time to stop children, what’s that sound, everybody look what’s going down” thank you Stephen Stills. No I am not thinking about the changes that hopefully will be taking place in Washington on the 20th of January 2009 when Obama is sworn into office. I’m thinking about feelings/emotions. I often have I not stopped and listen to the sound that was going down, my heart was trying to tell my head something but I wouldn’t listen, listen to the sounds of feelings surfacing. Damn there goes the shattering sound of love, the deafening blast of anger, the whine of loneliness, the scream of fear, hurt sounds like a thud, shame is the sound a baby makes when it sucks its thumb, oh yeah happiness is the gentle summer breeze and serenity is the sweet rustle of a mountain stream. Through a bit of grace most of my feelings are mild lingering’s, anyway the negative ones are, the positives ones are generally with me but I am complacent and don’t hear them nor thank them often enough. Been helping some people who are young in sobriety and feelings and emotions are a tough subject, I remind them it was the same for all of us. Everybody stuffs there emotions to some degree or they substitute emotions, anger replaces fear, belittling people replaces ones own feelings of insecurity and low self esteem. People use all kinds of things to keep them from hearing their feelings, video/computer games, the internet, TV, movies, reading, crafts/hobbies, work, shopping, religion, school, relationships, alcohol, drugs, the list can on and on; in moderation none of these things are bad and some are healthy. Taking time to stop and listen for me has been a work in progress, like finding balance in life/the middle road. I have my good moments and my bad. On a good day I can hear the emotion and offer to set down and have coffee with it, on a bad day I run scared until I stumble, fall and hear her voice in my ear, suffering is my own choice, or as my old friend Ian would say “misery is optional”. So I invite the emotion for coffee, we sit opposite of each other on equal terms neither have power over the other, it is when I can do this that I am restored to serenity. Emotions and feelings have no real power, they can appear all big bad and scary but they are wisp of illusion and perception. I will never be able to stop having emotions but one day at a time, one moment at a time, I can learn to put them in their own perspective. “What’s going down” is life on life’s terms whether I like it or not, yesterday, today and tomorrow

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Some Signs and symptoms of inner peace

I nicked this from http://coffee-shop-dharma.blogspot.com/ Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:

* A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.

* An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

* A loss of interest in judging other people.

* A loss of interest in judging self.

* A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.

* A loss of interest in conflict.

* A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)

* Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

* Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.

* Frequent attacks of smiling.

* An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.

* An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


Wow the first bitter cold day of winter has hit 12 degrees and add the wind chill and we are well below zero. I had to pry open my car door this morning since the rain from last night froze it shut. Time to change my attire, time for the knit hat and heavy gloves. I live in the Platte River valley, which doesn’t have a lot of trees so the north wind comes sweeping over prairie hills just to the north bringing with it a full mouth bite. The cold north wind is a fact of life for winter life in Nebraska. There are a couple of other places I have thought about living, northern California and central Colorado come to mind but Nebraska is my home and the home of my family and closest friends. We have 4 complete seasons here, nothing half ass, bitter winters, scorching summers, amazing springs and falls. I love the quiet back roads, you don’t have to drive too far even in the cities like Lincoln and Omaha to find a gravel road where you can drive along at a comfortable pace and take in the farm lands pastures with cattle and horses, groves of trees, the peaceful track of a shallow river. Hopefully I will be moving from central Nebraska this summer to the more populated city of Lincoln, the main reason is to be in a community that has a larger population of fringe dwellers, alternatives, bohemians, and people like me. I have close friends in recovery there so the transition will be easy. The time has come once my daughter graduates from high school to move to a place where being a liberal isn’t quite so much associated with being a Satanist. Plus there is a larger spiritual community there and in Omaha. This is just a goal, nothing is written in stone so I don’t have any huge expectations on the line that can cause me to get my Y fronts in a serious twist if the plans fall through. So much about the future, today it is cold but that is alright, I live here and accept that.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Rebel Jesus is having a Birthday party again

Well it is that time of year, the time of greed and gluttony, A.K.A. Christmas time. Probably didn’t take you long to figure out I don’t care much for Christmas. It starts with everyone asking me “did you eat your fill or did you stuff yourself” when asking how my Thanksgiving was. I hate this fucking question because if I say “I don’t partake in gluttony” then I open up a whole can of worms about ideologies, traditions and such. I have nothing against eating my fill if I am hungry but the gloating over how much one eats in a gluttonous way is repulsive to me. So with the overeating of Thanksgiving the bells of the Christmas season are rung.
Black Friday was the same as every other year even if the economy is in the shitter, people being as un-Jesus like as ever fighting over bargains, shoving their way around stores, a few deaths related to shopper’s greed celebrates the birth of the Prince of Peace. Black Friday can be a fun time for those who find fun in standing in lines at the wee wee hours of the morning waiting for stores to open hoping to get some great bargains for gifts, the adrenaline rush of intense shopping, not my thing. But like it is like heavy traffic, it can bring out the worst in people, instead of accepting it for what it is, something snaps, people get hurt, and self will run riot on steroids.
I don’t mind the music in small doses, in fact I actually like some of it, Tran Siberian Orchestra is extremely good and I have Christmas album by Jethro Tull I absolutely love, but like chocolate too much of it is a sugary overdose. I tend to go home after a day of Christmas music and listen to gritty blues or folk. Radio stations never seem to play the classic “Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses or “Father Christmas” by the Kinks around here, but there is always YouTube for them when my teeth hurt after hearing, one too many Bing, Dean or Perry songs.
I do make an extra effort to show loving kindness though. When I am checking out at stores, I try to be cheerful, joking and kind to the poor cashier. I put up a few decorations for my daughters benefit. Next year Angel will be old enough to enjoy the decorations so grandpa will go out of his way to make sure she has plenty of pretty things to look at. If I get a bit sour at meetings I explain that it is nothing personal to those who get giddy over Christmas. I go to the family things in respect to my mother, late father and daughter. I will buy a few toys for charity so that the less fortunate children can have a few presents too.
Kids are the saving grace of the season for me. Adults seem too phony, yah they give gifts but they expect something in return, put a price tag on shit given and received, which includes time and effort. Adults forget about the magic of Santa Claus and Jesus, oh they say they no but most are too caught up in the artificial to see the true nature of these men. I apologize for throwing all adults together; I know there are those out there who truly understand the meaning of Christmas. Children now, they know all about Santa and Jesus. They know that both are magical. Santa the magical elf who brings presents and spreads happiness and joy. Jesus the baby who was born poor in a manger on a cold night, the baby who would become the man who taught of love and tolerance for all, he the bringer of Heaven. They are to young and innocent to understand that his name is also used for evil, for hatred, an excuse to kill gays, abortionist, non-Republicans and non-Christians. Children will tell you Jesus loved the little drummer boy most because he was poor like him, they will notice the poor around them and wish they could help. They will ask Santa to bring a present to a friend less fortunate or whose home life is bad. Children’s eyes light up and the sparkling beauty of the decorations and electrical magic, and hopefully their parents will be able to have some quality time with them by going out and seeing the lights and decorations.
So that’s my bit on Christmas. I leave you with some lyrics from Jackson Browne’s song “Rebel Jesus” they sum up my feelings as well even if this post is a bit of a Bah Humbug.

But please forgive me if I seem
To take the tone of judgement
For Ive no wish to come between
This day and your enjoyment
In this life of hardship and of earthly toil
We have need for anything that frees us
So I bid you pleasure
And I bid you cheer
From a heathen and a pagan
On the side of the rebel jesus.