A Thread is Tied Off

Wednesday night a friend of mine died from alcoholism, she was 47 years old. Cyd had reached the point of not caring anymore, she was tired of fight the disease, and in the end she took an overdose of Tylenol and washed down with vodka which caused her already damaged liver to shut down.
At one point in her life Cyd had 10 years of sobriety then she lost a child, started drinking again and was never able to stay sober for any length of time after that. The longest time she may have had in the last 10 years was a year; normally she would get 1 or 2 months. She never quit trying though, well not until the other day, she would go to meetings, get a sponsor work the steps and then for reasons unknown to every one would drink again, disappear for a few months and then show back up and start all over again. She had run her course of treatment facilities, mental health hospitals and even jails. Last night I lead the meeting at local mental health hospital, Cyd’s last trip up there was this summer, I generally don’t talk about suicide or depression when I go to meetings at the hospital but last night we all needed to think about the gravity of the disease. My ex-wife died from suicide, like Cyd she gave up fighting the disease, the struggle of day to day life was just too much to bare, tired of one more attempt and one more failure, in the end the thought of dying was more peaceful than the unknown of living. I don’t condone suicide but for some alcoholics and addicts it is the only way to achieve peace. I would guess that a large portion of alcoholics and addicts were suicidal to some degree when the disease was active, this would be true especially for older ones. I was 24 when I cut my wrist because I just didn’t care any more and thought the other side might be better, it was this event that lead me to recovery, during the relapses years I never thought too seriously about blowing my head off, OD’ing, gassing myself but I did get to the point that didn’t care if I woke up in the morning or not, or if I had a heart attack while driving which would cause an accident that took my life. Suicide is the ultimate selfish act but the life of active alcoholism and drug addiction is a life filled with total and complete selfishness 24/7.
Some words on Cyd; Cyd was the most intellectually intelligent person I knew in recovery!! Cyd could quote the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous), the Bible word for word. She was the only person who know anything indepth about Eastern religions, she not only know about Thich Nhat Hanh, the Tao, Kornfield and others she had read them and would talk about what she had read. She would also talk about Kahil Gilbran, Kerouac, Burroughs, Ginsberg, Steinbeck, John Irving and any number of authors that might catch her fancy. I envied Cyd’s ability to remember passages from books or song lyrics, my memory is shot and has been for years, not matter how many times I read or listen to something I can’t quote verbatim the words. Cyd and I also shared a love for music, I remember a few months back she had bought a copy of Joni Mitchell’s newest album, she was like a school girl in her excitement about how great the album was and the depth of the lyrics, I still haven’t heard the album but will go get a copy to honor my friend. We would talk about the great singer/songwriters both the well known and the less well known, she liked Townes Van Zandt, Lucinda Williams, Nanci Griffith and others who’s music isn’t played on commercial radio stations. A year ago last June I took Cyd to a state AA function and on the way home NPR was playing blues, her knowledge was amazing, she could recognize the different artist the radio was playing, once again not your normal popular artist. These are some of the things I know about Cyd in the short time she was my friend. We weren’t really tight but would stand outside a meeting a visit while smoking or once in awhile I would give her a lift home, but spend 15-25 minutes with Cyd was like spend a day with someone else.
One last thing; all the knowledge and intelligence in the world didn’t save her life in the end!! I have known people who are too intelligent and analytical to grasp recovery but I really don’t think that was Cyd problems. I am taking a wild ass guess here and saying that if anything she couldn’t let go of the suffering no matter how hard she tried, the suffering for the lost of a child, the suffering she inflicted on her other kids lives due to her drinking sprees, the suffering of loneliness but in honestly only she knew. Did she frustrate me with her relapses yes, did I stop caring no, and I am not alone. Tonight there is going to be a viewing and wake, the event will be filled with a bunch of recovering drunks and druggies paying respect for truly one of their own. She was a thread that wove it’s itself into our lives and we are richer for touching the thread, for seeing her star burning bright and even seeing it fade.
Love Ya Cyd, peace and harmony