A Trip Inside me

Well it has been a busy week; generally I write my post at work in the afternoons while it is dead but this week I have been filling in for the shipping manager so there has been no dead time what so ever, which is a good thing because the company is getting their money’s worth.
The camping trip went well, the guy who rode up with me is just coming back around after spending a year back out doing research, he realizes he can’t do it alone and wanted to reconnect with fellowship. The campsite was back down a canyon road 12 miles of all sand, rutted and washed out in places, saw a lot of deer and even a couple of spotted fawns plus a bunch of turkeys . There was no cell phone reception so we had to drive back out to the high ground for that. The cabin was tiny!! Just enough room for 3 bunk beds and a roll away bed, with about a 4ft aisle in between. I took one look inside the cabin and said “no way in Hell”, too much like a jail cell, it also reminded me of the cramped barracks I saw at Dachau concentration camp, so I slept in my tent since there was plenty of room and I had an extra air mattress. We had a couple of good fellowship meals, midnight NA meeting. The float down the river was awesome, lots of fun, lots of serenity; I will have pictures to post in a week or so. When we drove over to the campground where the main group was staying, the lady who runs the campground came up to me with her land line phone saying it was an important phone call. The call was from my sister, my daughter was in the emergency room and I needed to call back and give them permission to run blood work test, I talked to Mich and she told me she was having severe abdominal pains, her appendix was remove a few years ago, we agreed that I would call her back in a couple of hours to find out what was going on and if I need to head home. This was at 8:00pm at about 8:15pm the voice of God banged and it started down pouring, a wicked storm moved in which would stay in the area until the next morning, no hail just heavy rain and wind. The thing with Mich sadden me and mad me afraid, I sat in the pickup alone because I didn’t want share my fear and sadness with the others, I thought I could work it out, but something else came to me, and that was I did want to be comforted but by only one person. I came to relieve I have deeper feelings for one of my friends than I thought I did, all reasoning tells me that we can’t have anything long lasting but damn I was craving her comfort, my head started to get all messed up even worse than it was. Anyhow I finally found out Mich just had a really bad urinary tract infection, so everything was alright. The drive home was good, no one rode with me, so I left the radio off and paid attention to the landscape and vegetation, we stopped and had a nice picnic lunch at the only national forest in the state of Nebraska.
So yesterday comes, I have been emotional and semi depressed since the ordeal of sitting in the pickup alone. By the time I got off work the depression was getting worse, I told my friend about this, yeah the same one I have feelings for is also a co-worker, I have really seen her blossom in the 2-1/2 years we have been friends, we confine in each other at work and sometimes outside of work, she is the only fellowship member at work and also one of the few sane people. Driving back from a store the freaking flood gates start opening up and shit is blowing around in my brain like the leaves in a storm. I become partially aware what is happening and know I have to call a member of AA for help. My sponsor is unavailable until really late at night, so I call a woman I highly respect with over 30 years. My problem is I am afraid that I am on the pity pot and feeling sorry for myself because I want someone to comfort me, I am afraid I am being selfish in this wish. I tell my friend this, I tell her all that is going down with the exception of the feelings for the other friend which isn’t as important as the rest. What my friend tells me is, I have been spending so much time taking care of others lately, my daughter, in a roundabout way her boyfriend who more or less lives with us, my sponsee’s; planning organizing and being contact person for recovery events, service work and meeting commitments, that I haven’t taken time for me. She told me it sounds like Scott has lost himself by being too busy. She also reassured me I wasn’t on the pity pot, that I was just hurting and need to somehow find a way to get in touch with the hurt and sadness and let it flow, that it is harder than we think to come to grips with the fact that it is alright to have feelings and feel them, even though I am halfway decent and dealing with the everyday ups and down getting hit with a heavy dose is tougher. I need to find some quality alone time so I can be still and not get so overwhelmed, I need to let go of the false pride and let others help me. I need my 30 minutes at lunch time to read again, something that has gone by the wayside lately since Mich and Angel have been home at lunch so I pay attention to them, didn’t realize how important those minutes of reading where until today. The loneliness will pass again once I am back to being good with me. People aren’t taking advantage of I know this, what happened was I got caught up in a whirlpool in the river of life and couldn’t escape until and I had a bit of a breakdown. It seems like a hard road opening up to people more, I thought I was doing so well but thanks to my old buddy pain, I found out I still have a long way to go, I have to be willing to walk up to someone or call someone and say can I cry on your shoulder for a minute because I hurt and I need to feel loved.
I feel better today, my friend and I had a nice talk at break and I told her what was going down, she lovingly kicked me in the ass and gave some of my advice to her back to me. Maybe down the road when it is safe I will tell her I care for her on a more deeper level but for now I am alright with the way things are, the craving has passed, it was a craving built out of neediness and want of a soft shoulder. I joke about it sucking to be human and having these needs but it really isn’t a joke some days. But from a spiritual perspective this is the better way to learn through a bit of pain, to become more aware and maybe someday I will have the honor of sharing this with someone else who is in pain and helping them out the way someone took the time to help me out. This weekend I will do my utmost to spend time alone with me.
Scott