More of the Story

Saturday went the way God intended it to, we got started later than I wanted to because my friend was working with her sponsee, the sponsee went as well but rode with another guy, I hadn't planned on either, my morning mediation was on "it's not about me". We got there in time for the afternoon speaker meeting and then all of us went to the park and walked around, so I had no time alone with my friend, I asked the guy who was with us if it was cool that we were going to eat Chinese for supper, he was hesitant but said yes, later he told my he know I wanted to spend some time alone with N and didn't want to get in interfere, I told him it was cool which it was because he is my friend and I like being around him as well. The talent show was really good, couple of hilarious recovery skits plus some good musicians. There were only a dozen or so of us at the dance but we all had a great time N dance country swing with my friend since I have two left feet and she danced the better part of rock with me pulling some other guys out on the floor on occasion, plus we had couple of slow songs, I had the DJ play "When you saying nothing at all" by Alison Kraus. Through out the day I did some light flirting, the night ended with a tight hug and a peck on the forehead.

Yesterday morning my phone died, got it replaced today. Prior to leaving for the reunion I sent N a private facebook message saying that my feelings for her were deeper than just friends and that I had saw a woman child transform into a woman and my eyes were just opening up to that, I also told her I wanted to talk to her alone because there is more I need to say to her, part of which was written in the previous blog post. N's computer is down, I told her to use mine yesterday but she never got around to it. The reunion went well, saw some cousins, visited with a few but for the most part hung around my immediate family, my sponsee and I had a good visit down and back.

I left work at 3, talked to N off and on, she was having a bad day, I didn't interfere much other than give her my thoughts on a couple of things, she was also very tried. She was online when I left and figured she would be checking her facebook. We meet later for a meeting on the benefit we are involved in, she was a bit distant, she left without saying anything to me or giving me a hug, so I know she read the message. I went over to a mutual friend of ours and told her about everything. We both agreed that N probably needs time to digest what I wrote, it might be a bit scarry with me moving and all, or it may be she didn't want me to feel this way and doesn't know how to tell me. I can mess my head all up playing a guessing game but I won't, can't say I am completely calm about all this either but I said what I had to say because I needed to. I needed to tell her how I feel, to find out if she feels remotely the same. Maybe tomorrow she will be up to talking to me, if not then I will have tell her I am sorry if I hurt her and it wasn't intensional. Like a blogger friend says life is complicated. I stick by my guns about relationships though, I need to be more accertive in a companionate way, so if N just wants to stay friends or what ever, either one of us are into the sex bubby thing, I have once again made progess on one of my biggest fears.

On this wanting a relationship thing that has been running through my post, I guess it comes from feeling a bit lonely, really wanting someone to just snuggle and kiss, being told and knowing I have a lot of great qualities for the right person and also accepting that I am a good looking man, that I don't look 46 and even if I am not buff and I have lot more to offer than pecks. Maybe part of it is the empty nest thing also, I am going to be alone soon and even though I have been there before there may be an underlying need to have some one around, know that I don't have to have Mich's 100% approval of who is hanging out at the house. I have also grown enough emotionally to understand the what it takes to be a companion, a lover and a friend, one of my awareness practices is to understand lust without the rest is an unhealthy craving.