"She don't need AA she has Jesus"

I don’t subscribe to cable TV for me it is a waste of money and also it keeps me from being productive, I am just lazy enough to sit in front of the TV, channel surfing and not get any reading, chores or other constructive things done. I do rent DVD’s though, they are convenient, and I can watch what I want and when I have the time. I read about an HBO series called True Blood that was just released on DVD so I rented the first 2 discs last night. The series is about vampires who have now been able to come out of hiding due to synthetic blood, it is bottled and sold it in bar’s and stores so the vampires no longer need to kill for blood if they choice not to. The story takes place in a small town in Louisiana and revolves around a young woman and the vampire she befriends, will they become lovers? O.k. so one of the main characters is another young woman whose mother is an alcoholic or drunk as she calls her. In one of the episodes I watched last night, this woman was sitting on the porch talking to another main character explaining to him why she hates going home, they are drinking shots of bourbon ironically, he ask her why her mother doesn’t go to AA meetings or try AA, the woman replies, “She don’t need AA she has Jesus”, her mother is a Bible waving, Jesus loving drunk who is waiting for Jesus to save her all the while her vodka bottle sits right next to the big ole family Bible.

Disclaimer notice before I start rambling; I do not believe AA is the be all and end all for recovering from alcoholism, it just works for me and is working for a lot of others I am in contact with, secondly I am not anti-Christianity but I do dislike fundamentalist religion whether it is Christian, Muslim, Zionist or even Buddhist, fundamentalism breeds intolerance and intolerance breeds violence and produces suffering for innocent people.

Ok back to “she don’t need AA she has Jesus”. When I am sober I can trust a Higher Power, I can follow my Higher Power driven conscience and for the most part be an honest and caring person, I don’t harm others intentionally or if I do I make amends PDQ, most of the times I stop myself before I act on a biting notion in my head. This was true in my past life in recovery and my current life in recovery. When I was out doing my 10 years of research for you all, there were times when I would venture into religion, wimpy trips into the Tao and a 9 month Bible study via the Methodist church, attended church and worked with the youth group sometimes half crocked, I was also a member of a peace group and worked as a volunteer for Democrat candidates in 2006. All of this was done in order to try and fill a void in my life, thinking that these things would make me really happy, give me a purpose in life and once I had a purpose my drinking would somehow subside, not go away, I never once even after all my knowledge about alcoholism wanted to quit drinking completely, I wanted to drink socially with control. When I am active in my alcoholism it is my Higher Power, it has total control over me, I do things against my better judgment, I lie, I steal, I cheat, my ethics, values and morals go out the window just like my beer cans. I am undisciplined and unruly. I don’t become an Atheist but I am not principle enough to follow spiritual guidelines in my life, won’t and probably can’t trust a Higher Power even though I still believe in one. So yeah I didn’t need AA because I was waiting for something else to fill the void and cure me, though I wouldn’t have put it in those terms back then.

When I hit the wall and dropped the shovel of self destruction and found myself back in the rooms of AA the void was slowly filled up. It was filled up with you all, you who understood my pains, fears, hatreds, you who loved me until bit by bit I learned to love myself and once again accept me for me. Funny thing about my past, when came into AA in 1987 one of my problems was I hated not being true to myself, I hated the facade I had created because I thought you won’t like the real me, during those 9 years of recovery I drop the façade became very comfortable with just being me but once I started drinking again that old fear of people not liking me for me came steam rolling back and so did that ugly old façade. I found in AA what I was looking for in religion and those other organizations, I found a sense of belonging, a comradeship, I found true hope via interaction with each others and genuine happiness. Eventually after I relearned to not compare my insides to your outsides, my perception of a Higher Power to yours, I was able to find a spiritual path that was comfortable and workable for me. The main thing for me to remember in staying on this path is what happens when I drink any alcohol at all and the only way for me to remember this is by regular attendance at AA meetings and associating with people who are on the same path whether those people are bloggers or the ones I get to physically shack hands with and hug.

In my time around recovery both past and present, I have witnessed people get sober via AA, find religion, stop going to meetings and eventually they think they are resistant to the allergic reaction caused by the first drink and end up drunk again, praying for Heaven to help them out of Hell. They became isolate and insulated from the reality of the past. They were surrounded by fellow believers of who the majority of have never experienced the phenomenon of craving that afflicts those of us with alcoholism. Churches, temples, synagogues, mosque, covens and the like are all great places of worship but for a lot of people who are alcoholic they lack the interaction needed for long term and healthy recovery. From my limited perspective I see the actions used in recovery programs is more beneficial than prayer, rituals and ceremonies, I am more grounded in “faith without works is dead” than in osmosis or blind faith. So yeah I am a skeptic for the most part, I believe in balance, I believe there is a yin and yang quality to recovery and religious practices, that one needs both if that is the path they choice. People can have one without the other and stay sober but if you are having trouble staying sober, just putting the plug in the jug without spirituality may not be enough or just going to a place of worship without the support of fellow recovering alcoholics may not be enough. I need the Dharma to complete my recovery and I need recovery so I can practice the Dharma. If I every say “I don’t need AA I have Buddha” please slap me up side the head with the “12 and 12” or a hard copy of the Big Book any edition will work. When I think I am at a place when I don’t need to share from my gut the pain and ugliness of living the life of a drunk, when I think I have out grown the Fellowship, when I think I have no more living problems that you can’t help shed a little more light on, if I start getting bored with meetings and stop showing up or talking about them online, then you need to show enough love to bring me back to reality and I will do the same for you. Like Bill and Dr. Bob we can help each other when others can’t, remember that Dr. Bob was a highly religious man more so than Bill but he couldn’t get sober and stay sober, Dr. Bob says the importance of Bill was that through his experiences with active alcoholism he know what he was talking about and spoke his language, thus explaining why 1 alcoholic can reach another alcoholic better than all the professional non-alcoholics combined.

So for those who “don’t need AA cause they have Jesus” as the good doctor says my hat is off to you, but if you find you can’t stay sober with Jesus, Moses, Mohammad, Buddha, or any number of God’s or Goddess’s please stop by a meeting sometime and let us tell you about how we couldn’t stop on will power or prayer alone, how well we remember the loneliness, fear, shame, pain and anger. We know what it is like to not be able to hold a full cup of coffee or hot tea because the shakes where so bad we kept spilling it, we remember losing control of bodily functions, damage done to children, spouses and lovers, we know the sound of jail and intuitional doors slamming shut and locking behind us, yes we know many things because we where once just like you. We also know that believe it or not, we can’t say sober without giving away what we have been given, so here have half a cup of coffee and feel free to ask as many questions as you need to, you will find we have no rules here just suggestions and the only requirement for membership is a desire to quit drinking, not a pledge to quit just a desire, think you have the desire to quit and make some changes in your life.

Alright I hear yeah yelling at me over cyberspace, enough already. Thus ends my tale for today.

In Fellowship, Peace and Love
Scott