A Decision Made and Kept

When I got out of the Air Force in 1992, I was reluctant to move back to central Nebraska where I was raised, even though my family was here, I had become comfortable in bigger cities with their multitude of colorful people, shops, restaurants, parks and such but my ex wanted to live by family and I never told my ex “no”. I have stayed around because for years I never could afford to move, being a daily drunk and chain smoker takes up a lot of funds, my daughter was better off in the small town school systems, during my drinking daze my enablers were here as well, oh yeah I was too chicken to try and change the things I didn’t like. Well 17 years have gone by, 10 of those years spent in relapse. My baby girl will be 18 years old in 18 days, she has a baby of her own and a life she needs to start living her own life.

I have been in manufacturing for 16 of those 17 years with 14 of them being in management. I am grateful for what I have learned and working with negative and power driven people has helped me spiritually, they have taught me to be still, to refocus my energy and attention when I start getting upset by their words and ugly behavior. I have increased my people skills and taken the leadership training I learned in the Air Force further. I have learned to sit at my desk and mediate. But the time has come to move on, to practice Right Livelihood. To use my talents for good, to help others, and to use my living experience in a positive way.

I have been kicking the idea of moving to Lincoln around since the first of the year but never set a date, part procrastination, and part fear, part I am providing for my daughter and granddaughter while I am here. I spent a lot of time in Lincoln the spring and summer of 2008, I meet new friends in the recovery community and enjoyed the fellowship there, and Lincoln has a bigger mixture of people in recovery, more alt’s and bohemians than there are in recovery out here in central Nebraska, more options in Lincoln as my buddy down there tells me. I enjoyed the bigger city conveniences of Lincoln along with its small town vibe. All in all I fell in love with this city.

Well the graduation is over, my daughter is working solid hours and making decent money as a waitress, she is taking advantage of the old mans kind heart and not putting any money aside for a phone, insurance, deposit on an apartment, I am babysitting every other evening and on weekends. I don’t blame her for this, I am the one who is allowing it, I have made mention of her needing to spend her money wisely and save it but I haven’t been aggressive about it, I still have a fear of becoming my old man who was overly aggressive, so I finding a balance with her is still tricky for me. As much as I love having Angel live with me and my daughter and I get along fairly well, there are things I don’t care for, boyfriend basically living in my house, them sleeping all morning and a few other minor things that are part generational and part parental. Friday I made a firm decision to have my house ready to sell by July 1st, by house I mean a mobile home. This gives me time to do the few repairs that need done and sets a deadline for both of us. The house should sell fairly fast, it has new storm windows, heat pump, newly remodeled, and it is very energy efficient. I talked to a friend in recovery last night and she is interested in it, I am pricing it to sell and not making any money on it, so if she can get the financing I think I have it sold. I can use the money to help me relocate to Lincoln. I am in hopes of getting a job as a staff support member at one of the treatment centers, halfway houses or group homes, I also have other talents that I can use to find a temp job or two until I find full time employment. The main thing is to move down there before the University of Nebraska starts their fall semester and the town is over run by students.

If I said I wasn’t a bit apprehensive about all this it would be an outward lie. I am sad that I won’t be spending a lot of time with Angel. I am worried about Michelle. I am just a bit nervous about finding a job but not too much, my resume is good and solid and I don’t need much to live on. Michelle has to grow up sometime, she needs to experience life as an adult, paying bills and making ends meet. I am fairly comfortable in the fact that she will probably stay here for one more year, which is only a 2 hour drive from Lincoln. She wants to go to massage Therapy College in Denver but hasn’t made any moves toward starting anytime soon. There is a massage therapy school in Lincoln as well so maybe with the old man down there she may move as well, she likes Lincoln as much I as I do. She has a boyfriend issues she which needs to figure out too before she makes any changes in her life.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I got off the pot, made a decision and decided to follow through with it, well I guess that isn’t true until the pickup is hauling the last load. The decision wasn’t made in haste. It was made with trusting my Higher Power and understanding that it is a good thing to do something for me. Oh yeah Lincoln has a Zen Buddhist temple so I can further my Dharma education. I don’t mean to sound selfish but since I have been back in recovery I have pretty much given myself to the care of others and gladly so but now I see an opening for me to do something I want and possibly need to do. If I can maintain a certain amount of humility in this change then it will be for the benefit of others as well as me.

I wrote this yesterday during a dry spell in the afternoon, by 5:00pm things changed a bit. Michelle has never been the most punctual person and I have long ago quit harping/talking to her about it. Sunday she was 5 minutes late for work and told to go home, yesterday she dropped Angel off at my work so I could take care of her for the evening. Mich was running late for work and called in to let them know. I received a call at 5:00pm from her work saying she was fired for tardiness. Which got me to worrying about moving now with her not having a job and boyfriend not having a job either? I found Mich at her boyfriend’s house and dropped Angle off with her mom. I then got in contact with an older member in recovery that I use as a back up sponsor because my sponsor is really hard to get in touch with before 10:00pm. I sat down and talked with him, told him my concerns and what was going on in my mind. I know I need to let her start experiencing life, she needs to learn responsibility and as long as she is under my roof she won’t do that, intentionally or unintentionally. I can either stop enabling now or keep on doing it and prolong the inevitable and mess up my plans to move on with my life. I have to remember that letting her grow up is an act of love, maybe not a comfortable act but tough love never is, we seem we always seek the easier softer way in dealing with life. We talked about my decision and about heeding the calling for change and how he did the same thing at about my age. I reflected back to my 5th step and that list of character defects, a couple where people pleasing and enabling, both Mich and my ex wife. I am facing 6 and 7th step situations and will follow through with the steps, take step 3 to heart and trust the Higher Power, use step 11 to calm the soul. Oh yeah and a big dose of step 1 because I am powerless over my daughter. It isn’t like I am buggering off to the Pacific Northwest or Norway; I am just moving 140 miles down the road. The date isn’t written in stone but it does give her a date to work on and figure things out for herself. Just because my parents enable me doesn’t make it right to enable Michelle, the old adage 2 wrongs don’t make a right, plus some bad family habits need to be broken. I am grateful I am willing enough to reach out for help, to know that even though my thinking my be on the correct plain I still need to talk things over, that I ain’t too big for my britches and understand it is alright to receive a little reassurance now and again. I talked to my sponsor last night and he reiterated that what I was doing was a good thing and to press on.

Well thanks everyone for letting me bend your ear again.

Peace Love and Light
Scott