Conflict is just an 8 letter word

First let me say I am not happy about waking up at 8:00am, I should have been able to sleep until 10am or so since I only had 4 hours sleep the night before. My body clock is all screwed up from working different shifts, 7am-3pm last couple of times, 3pm-11pm more times than not. Having said that I love what I do and understand I am the go to guy for working what ever shift needs covered. Also even though I am not happy about something doesn't mean I don't accept it, I am just expressing something that is in my head and irritating. The positive light on getting up a couple of hours before I wanted to is that I am rereading a book I want to introduce to one of the counselors, so my God is giving me more time to read it before I pass it on to her, I want to make sure my motive for loaning her the book is correct.

This first paragraph is really a good lead in to what I want to write about, accepting the thing I cannot change, changing the thing I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I have a coworker who's personality grates on me. She is snobbish, a bit of a diva which she owns, judgemental on the negative side and a gossip. Most of you know I come from a working class hero background, my parents both come from poor farmer linage, there were periods in my life when we had very little money but my dad busted his butt to pay the bills and feed us, social styles where something we couldn't afford to waste money on. The other thing is like a few others out there, I was a oddball as a kid, I never fit into boyish boy role that society portrays young boy's to be, sports didn't interest me but they didn't my dad either so I feel this disinterest comes from him, the same can be said for killing things, hot cars or pickups, wood shop, welding, power tools, violence and a few other things that are common among boys as they mature, does anyone really know what mature means. I do have a strong attraction to women but I was raise with a very modest almost Puritanical view on the human body and sex, which is a curse and a blessing, so I did have this in common but was reserved in how I talked about it. I was shunned by the pretty/popular people in my formative years, they were the materialistic status loving vain and I was intellectually and eccentrically vain. My refuge came from my interest in arts and philosophy, from music, books and nature. I have been blessed that via my travels as a member of the Air Force. I have experienced many cultures, lifestyles, I have known people from all over the US and the world, my mind is open I have accepted and absorbed all their differences with interest and awareness in the fact that we may be different but we are all a part of the big ONE. My alcoholism and addiction both in and out of recovery has allowed me to experience and associate with the lowest of the low and even some of the highest of the high. These are all things that form my views and prejudices/ignorance's. I tend to champion the underdogs, the misunderstood, the eccentrics, those who march to the beat of their own drummer, I am Atticus Finch with Dylan's aloofness and Waylon's attitude. Yes I pride myself on being tolerant, it is alright to laugh out loud about what you just read!! So this coworker and I sit at different ends of the proverbial lunchroom of life.

Now back to the coworker. Saturday night the treatment center took our clients to a recovery event called Soberoke, sober karaoke, this coworker was part of the staff that went along. The clients for the most part really enjoy doing this and some of the staff get up and sing as well. I worked Sunday morning and a few of the clients told me about the event, which former clients where there, one girl said she saw her boyfriend there who is going through treatment at a different facility. My only comments to these breeches of anonymity were that I was glad to hear that the former clients where there especially a couple of them who's recovery I had concern for. I did not pass on this information to the person I was working with because I figured she would find out on her own if the clients wished to tell her. At shift change the coworker who I have a conflict with showed up for the following shift and she starts telling all about who was at Soberoke, about the one girl seeing her boyfriend and that she was surprised he didn't seem that bad, she mentioned that she saw a former client and that the former client seemed to have a thing going with a guy that comes to the treatment center to speak, she also made a comment about the girlfriend of another former client a guy that is pretty alternative in appearance, lots of piercings and tattoo's, saying she was surprise how nice his girlfriend was, implying that since he was an alt she expected him to be with some freaky girl. The way she said things was done in a very gossipy manner and very judgemental and this rubbed me the wrong way, I finally said something about anonymity even though when I said it, what she was talking about wasn't a breech of anonymity but my tired brain just wanted her to stop talking, so I didn't engage God conscienceness and just made a comment to change the subject with an attempt to move on.

I thought about this whole conversation on the drive home and my personality conflict with my coworker and realized I do need to talk to my supervisor about it. Besides the personality conflict I feel this is very unprofessional behavior on her part. When I got home I talked to my sponsor, who is a drug and alcohol counselor. I told him about the gossip about how she has an ignorance and her dislike for low bottoms and social alternatives and how here comments to other staff members about the more eccentric clients is said with disgust and lack of compassion. I told him about my perceptions about what she said. He told me my personal problems with the coworker where not important as far as work goes unless I start saying inappropriate things to her out of dislike, hopefully I won't, when I have worked with her in the past and she starts belittling clients or others I just get up and walk away. My sponsor advised that when I talk to my supervisor that I should tell him that my concern is that the coworker is acting in a non-professional manner and not being objective, he told me if I really wanted to I could state that from a recovery and spiritual side that I find this offensive but that I shouldn't go any further than that. I will make an appointment to visit with my supervisor because I need to air my views. I need to do this for my own recovery and out of concern for the clients. I don't know what this coworker writes down in her notes about the clients but if she has such strong opinions about them in private then I am afraid this is reflecting on her notes about them. I am also concern about what may is being said outside of the staff break room, this coworker and some others hang out and have drinks together, I could care less about the drinking, I am the alcoholic not them but I do know the effect alcohol has on ones ability to speak objectively especially if you already have a tendency to trash talk about people.

I may not like this coworker as a person but I have to respect and accept her as a coworker. I am grateful I am aware of my feelings today and can do the footwork needed to address the problem. I am grateful I have a 12 step program and a spiritual path that allows me to work on my character defects. That I try a little every day to be a better person even towards those I am prejudice against. I am grateful I understand that all of us are sick in our own way and we aren't perfect which mainly reflects back on me. I am grateful my sponsor is in the same career field I am in and can share his experience, strength and hope on more levels than just being another drunk trying to live life on life's terms. I am grateful today that when I have a conflict in my life I don't have to mill it over in my head for hours, that I can talk to someone about it, that I can pray on it, that I can be honest enough to share it with my blogger peeps, because there was a time when my pride wouldn't have allowed me to do any of this. I can't say enough about the gift of awareness, the gift of having the God of my understanding entering into my life and for the changes that has brought about, for the promises being a reality today.

Thanks for listening campers. I just wanted you all to know that I have conflicts too and I need to air them out with you with in a healthy manner.

Peace Love and Light to all!!!
Scott