Sunday, October 25, 2009

Surrender

Thank God for cheap frozen breakfast burritos, woke up and didn't know what I wanted to eat, didn't feel like toast which is pretty much a stable food in the mornings, didn't feel like frying eggs or hash browns, didn't feel like chocolate cake and ice cream, then I remembered I had a couple of burritos in the freezer, not overly satisfying but they worked.

The Big Book discussion went really well, good feedback on the difference between how we drink and how non-alcoholics drink. We also talked quite a bit about our countless vain attempts to drink like others and control drinking. I talked a little about pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization but didn't dig, figure it was a private matter that was better left for the clients to mill over in their own minds.

We have a young client P who turned 20 while in treatment. She is really a great kid, very friendly, helpful, has no problems talking about herself and is willing to do what she needs to do to get better. P is facing her 3rd DUI and has a couple of minor in possession charges to go along with driving under the influence, so her history indicates she has qualified to join the club. P was having a tough day yesterday, the day in and of itself was good, her sponsor came and visited with her and there were no external problems. P has been in treatment for 45 days and yesterday when she opened up to me and a couple of her peers she said she was just tried of hearing about alcoholism and addiction all the time and that her mind wouldn't shut off and also she was tired of not having any personal time alone, which is completely understandable. We have a small field behind the center and I told P she could go and walk in the field by herself to get some alone time and quiet her mind which she did. The clients had a meeting last night at 8pm, sometimes we have outside people come in but last night we didn't, I asked the clients if they minded me sitting in, meetings are usually just for clients and most staff don't sit in but since I am one of them they said I could, when I do this what is said in the meeting is off the record and can not be documented, so my role isn't so much that of a tech but of a recovering alcoholic with a few more 24's. My motive for sitting in was more for keeping structure than anything else. P chaired the meeting, she opened with talking about her feelings and then passed it around the room for the rest of the clients to express their feelings. She then started to get honest and talked about being angry with herself and also wanting to use and was mad at herself for wanting to use. P received great feedback from her peers. I talked to her and them about fighting the feelings, how we don't like to be mad, sad or afraid and we will fight the emotion and thus are keeping the agitation going. What it really came down to was talking about acceptance and surrender. If a I am fighting something, if I am fighting allowing myself to feel what is happening then the turmoil continues, which is what P was doing. P wants to get and stay sober so bad, she puts too much pressure on herself, she feels she shouldn't get cravings or be mad and when she does she gets mad at herself and amplifies the suffering. I told them if they keep working on their recovery they will start to feel balance more often. I shared about my own roller coaster ride in recovery, about going really high and then really low but eventually things start to even out. P said she didn't feel spiritually connected and said she didn't pray this morning and I asked her how that worked out for her, her grin told me it didn't. I told her I understood about not having time alone in treatment and that when I was in treatment I made a point of getting up earlier than the rest so I could have some quiet time to myself for prayer and mediation before the noise of the day started and that I have to do this when I am camping as well and it is part of my daily routine for the same reason.

After the meeting I was outside with P and a couple of others smoking. I talked to them about surrender. We not only have to surrender to our addictions and the force it has on us but also to our feelings especially when they are powerful. I don't think about surrender must anymore. Surrender has just become a part of my natural thinking along with acceptance. Don't get me wrong, if I get in a emotional bind I do have to go and remember to surrender or accept things in order to regain serenity. What I am saying is that over time by living the steps, staying in fit spiritual condition, going to meetings and a few other things, is that surrender is just a natural response to the bumps in life, the thought process is automatic just like thinking the drink through. Now if I was to stop doing these things, if I was to get complacent then this wouldn't happen. I am sure that down the road this will happen a time or few, but God willing I will get a hot poker in the butt and get back on the middle path before I drink or use.

At the end of the night P was feeling better. She said that talking about what was going on helped her. That she is just afraid that her thinking is wrong, that she shouldn't feel this way and that it helps when others tell her that her thinking is normal and that the main thing is to nor give in and drink or use. P has connected with some other young people in recovery here in Lincoln, people outside of treatment, I talked to one young woman Friday night at the coffee shop. These young people are willing to take P under their wings and show her how to be young and have fun in recovery and will help her as long as she is willing. P is one of my special people, I have a special affection for some of the younger ones, probably a dad instinct, she has the willingness and determination my only fear is that she is really hard on herself and wants to isolate when she isn't living up to her expectations of herself, does that sound familiar to anyone besides me. She is in God's hand just as the rest are, she leaves in a couple of weeks and is going to a half way house in Lincoln, I hope to see her around and continue to watch her grow. I did give her a suggestion that when she looks in the mirror she says to herself "I surrender" God gave me this idea, it is a spin on the looking at yourself in the mirror and saying "I love you".

I am grateful for the opportunity God has given me to be apart of the lives of some really wonderful people who are just starting out on this journey of recovery.

I am grateful that I can watch them grow, watch them face their struggles and watch their face start to come life when the answers start to come

I am grateful that I am giving a chance to remember where I was once at and where I can go back if I stop growing

I am grateful I don't have a nasty hangover today or that I am waking up in jail because Nebraska lost to Iowa State of all teams yesterday, that my serenity doesn't depend on whether Nebraska wins or loses in football, a win would have been nice but oh well it is only a game.

Oh yeah I am grateful for fozen breakfast burritos!!

Have a great one campers, my prayers and love go out to all of you!!!
Peace Love and Light
Scott

6 comments:

DM said...

I want your job. LOL. And yes, its just a game.

Unknown said...

I agree with Sarah, your job sounds much better than mine on any day!

Surrender and Acceptance, boy do I do those each day with various effect. P's struggle is all of ours...there is no right or wrong thinking, I remember my first drunk dream and how out of control that felt, I felt bad, but you know it happens and just being open and honest and willing...it works.

Love ya!
Gabi

Paula said...

Your job is in demand - would take it any day.
Thanks for always coming along to my excurses into nature, that is where I feel whole and secure. I would exactly know the spot for your tent here in Bavaria. Hugs to you

Shadow said...

p is lucky to have someone like you to help her...

peet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kberman said...

Your life of service is a rich and rewarding one. I know because I used to do what you now do. Yesterday was my 69th birthday so my service now is my 6 blogs and going to meetings and sharing.

I live in a larger city so I go to a new meeting every week plus my regular meetings This enables me to spread the word plus I have found each meeting place has a unique but the same message.

We are each completely alive and completely different. Love, Kathy
kathyberman.com.