The Parent in Me

I am a Parent! I get reminded of this every so often, in tears and frustration, concern and making another persons burden my own. The last few days I have felt all of them.

For those who don’t know my ex wife committed suicide in February of 2000, she was a long time pharmaceutical junky, she would have short periods of clean time but never could completely beat the monkey, between the drugs and a mess up life due to addiction she finally gave up and ended her suffering once and for all. She left behind an 8 year old girl, my daughter. I had custody of my daughter and had been her main support parent all her life. When my own alcoholism started to get really bad my daughter was in neglected in some ways, mainly I compensated for my alcohol dependency and money spent on booze and smokes by allowing her to do as she wanted which in turn caused her to grow up faster than she needed to and get involve in things that weren’t healthy for a young teenage girl. By the time I got sober again, the damage was done and my daughter was getting into trouble with the law, by the time she was 15 she was in and out of foster homes and by 16 she was in a group home for girls and pregnant, she was a month past 17 when Angel was born. From 2nd through basically 11th grade she attended the same small high school, short absences when she was in foster care, she had always had her heart set on graduating with these kids she basically grew up with. Her junior and senior years have been spent in different schools due to being a ward of the state. Last Saturday she attended the graduation of her old classmates, she came home sometime around 8:30pm, put the baby down and then crashed herself. When she got up later in the evening I could tell she was depressed but wouldn’t say much to me. Sunday morning she got up and was basically the same, I wished her a happy Mothers Day and then she was off to work. It is times like these that I still get angry at my ex for leaving my daughter the way she did. For the most part I have forgiven my ex but once in a while the anger and hurt still flare up. It is times like Mothers day and times of depression that I feel a mother’s words would be of help. Also Mother’s day has always sucked for my daughter, while other kids make gifts for their mother’s or talk about what they are going to do on Mother’s day my daughter is left with an empty place in her heart. Over the years we have planted a special flower for my ex; in fact the Bleeding Heart has always been a part of my flower bed because of her. My daughter rarely talks about her mom but as a parent I catch the vibe now and then that she wishes her mother where still here, I am sure shortly after the birth of my granddaughter my daughter wished her mom could have witnessed the little Angel.

My daughter is getting ready for her graduation, up until a few weeks ago she was all excited about the party and then pretty much stopped saying anything. We had made arrangements to have the party at a friend’s home; the friend has a nice backyard with beautiful landscaping and shade trees. Well the party is to be this Saturday the 16th and my daughter hasn’t said much or asked for any help, other than some minor agreements on having a giant cookie instead of a cake. I had let my daughter take care of getting things together for the party because she implied that she wanted to and was taking charge, my daughter is very independent. Over the last week or so she hasn’t wanted to talk about the graduation party at all, she would snap back a reply when it was mentioned. She has been working 5-6 days a week for the last couple of weeks, and on top of that she is having boyfriend troubles both old and new so that hasn’t helped with her moods. Also being the good alcoholic she is she suffers with procrastination and allowing things to become overwhelming. Last night I cornered her in a nice way and asked her what was going on? Truth of the matter is, her inactivity was effecting me, I was worrying about her and taking on her troubles and gave myself one hell’ve an Excedrin headache!! She broke down and said she wanted the party to be perfect and was afraid it wouldn’t be, she was now stressed out that she had wait too long and wouldn’t be able to do everything or let people know about it. I calmed her down and we put things into perspective. We got the food simplified into having fresh chips and salsa from the Mex restaurant that she works at, giant cookie with a few dozen regular cookies from the bakery; I will make pork, pineapple and shrimp kabobs. She will get some basic decorations, banner, table covers, center pieces and napkins with Class of 2009 on them and the rest we can get at a discount store. She is going to start making phone calls today to tell people from out of town about the party and I will talk to the local people, most of our friends are in recovery so the recovery grapevine will start buzzing away with the when and where. A couple of women at work our taking all her school pictures K-11 and making them into a collage with Congrad’s Michelle with the class colors as a background and borders. So everything will work out fine in the end.

One thing about being a parent that you really can’t explain to someone until they have been there is the emotional rollercoaster that happens every so often. It is easy to tell someone to use tough love, turn it over to God, and detach yourself or other such things when you are on the outside looking in but when it is happening to you the view is a lot different. I can and have at times been pretty good at letting go with love and not enabling but once in a while I still get emotionally involve because I am a parent and my love is strong. The older I get and the more I go though with my daughter especially now that she has a daughter the more I understand where my parents came from. I understand giving a bit of money to help her out and paying for a few things, some tell me not to but I choice to do so as pay back to my parents for the help they have given me along the way. I feel there is a great deal of karma involve in parenting, what comes around goes around.

My daughter is a pretty good kid after all that she has been though. Her troubles have made her stronger and better prepare to face the real world in some ways. She has done the wild drinking and drugging thing and is fairly committed to staying sober and clean, she attends AA meetings when she can and has friends who support her in her decision not to drink or use. She has a lot to experience in life still ahead though. She takes being a mother very seriously and I admire her for this, it is hard to be a teen mother on your own but her goals and priorities are in the right place. The relationship thing is hers to figure out, hopefully she will make some sound decision with them also, and part of the damage my alcoholism and her mother’s drug addiction caused was co-dependency. I am proud of her as you can tell and even though the headaches suck I wouldn’t give them up because they make me a better person and better dad.