5 years

End of the Line

by Warren Hayes

And now the gravity of trouble was more than I could bear,
At times my luck was so bad, I had to fold my hands,
Almost lost my soul, rarely I could find my head,
Wake up early in the morning, feeling nearly dead.

I was never afraid of danger, took trouble on the chin,
Mountains I have climbed, that have killed a thousand men,
Spent most of my lifetime downtown, sleepin' behind the wheel,
Never needed anybody, I was king of the hill.

Oh, when I think about the old days,
Lord, it sends chills up and down my spine,
Yeah life ain't what it seems, on the boulevard of broken dreams,
Guess I opened my eyes in the nick of time,
'Cause it sure felt like the end of the line.

No matter how hard I run, I just can't get away
I try to do my best, but the devil gets in my way
Spent most of my lifetime downtown, sleepin' behind the wheel
'Till it all came down to kill or be killed

Oh, when I think about the old days,
Lord, it sends chills up and down my spine,
Yeah life ain't what it seems, on the boulevard of broken dreams,
Guess I opened my eyes in the nick of time,
'Cause it sure felt like the end of the line.

These are the lyrics to an Allman Brothers/Government Mule song which pretty much sum up where I was at 5 years ago.

First a little humor. I walked into Mich's house last week and she asked if I use the word son-of-a-bitch because her roommate and her don't. Seems Angel was doing something and got frustrated and said son-of-a-bitch, which took Mich and roommate by surprise. Here's the thing, this has been past down from my dad, it was one of his favorite expletives, so my dad is still here and pasting on his ways to another generation. Still papa needs to pay closer attention to the words he uses and his actions, there are 2 mini me's in life, little ones who love their papa and mimic him because he is soo cool :-)

So for the second time in my life I have 5 years of sobriety today, it was 5 years ago I checked myself into a treatment center because my life had spiraled out of control and I wanted to get control back. When I told my family I was going to treatment my intent wasn't to get sober but to get the heat of the family, job and law off my ass. The Doctors Opinion in the Big Book talks about a psychic change taking place and this is what happened to me after a couple of days in treatment. Part of this happened by rereading We Agnostics and getting spiritually grounded and having a 2x4 hit me upside the head reminding me that AA is about finding a God of our own understanding and not someone else's, even if they are trying to persuade you to accept their God, this was part of my fall out with the fellowship.

This year started out with the breakup of my relationship with Lady B, it hurt but accepted nothing is permanent. Understood the reasons and moved on. Understood I was probably more in love with the companionship and intimacy than the core her and life style she lived with her son.

Lost the job I really loved in January, this really hurt. It took a while to get over my hurt feelings toward the executive director, I understood what I did wrong but still felt she was overreacting. But I was wrong for writing about other peoples personal lives on my blog which is a public format. A couple of weeks ago she sent me an email apologizing for what happened, how she was in a bad place and listening to people who didn't have her best interest and my words were just to blatantly honest at the time for her to accept. I wrote back saying all was good and had turned out for the best.

Because I lost my job I moved back to my adopted home town, Kearney. Losing the job was a blessing in disguise. I now live close to my daughter and grand kids, plus back with my old AA group and friends.

My moving prompted my mom to move back to Kearney also, she is much happier in her little apartment, she has other older women to spend time with, her youngest sister gladly helps her out and they enjoy spending time together, my mom has a lot less stress in her life now, another blessing which happened with me getting fired.

I learned to humble myself a lot when I took the job of doing manual labor bending steel for 10 hours a night, 5 to 6 days a week. I learned it didn't matter how much management experience I have, there are better qualified people out there for the jobs I have applied for. I have a steady income which pays the bills and provides me with a bit extra when there is a bunch of overtime. I have learned to handle the sore muscle and accept them. I have learned to and continue to learn acceptance of supervisors who in my opinion are poor managers, all I am responsible for is doing my job to the best of my ability.

I have enjoyed plenty of yard work, something I missed living in an apartment. I have gone camping a few times. I built a shed, even though it isn't perfect, I took the time and used the appropriate tools and materials to make it the best shed I could with the skills I have. I put up a Christmas tree for the first time in a lot of years, I did this for my kids because for me Christmas is about joy in children's faces and not commercialism.

I got into a weird short relationship and learned something from it. This relationship caused me to really reach out to my backup sponsor for help and take a close look at how I react to those things in life which upset me at a deep intellectual and spiritual level. I have also had to look closely at me relationship with those I work with and find ways to accept them for being who they are. My new mantra is "yeah like you are so damn perfect" this makes me step back and smile at my arrogance and ego/selfishness.

I cried at a meeting when I felt over joyed with the knowledge I can spend 4 hours between the time I get up and the time I go to work without picking up a drink. In the last years of my drinking I could not , not drink when I had idol time. I am filled with joy and gratitude that when I come home at night sometimes very sore, I reach for a can of soda or bottle of water instead of a beer. I no longer need to self medicate with alcohol neither do I take a bunch of over the counter drugs to ease the pain.

Some have had a hell of a lot worse year then I have but still I am grateful that through all the low lows and highs I haven't picked up a drink, the compulsion and obsession has been removed, so long as I stay spiritually fit.

What is different about this 5 year mark than the last? My first time around I never really found a spiritual way of life. Today I practice spiritual principles to the best of my ability on a daily bases. Meetings are not enough for me, I need a spiritual path in life. I have also been more willing to share what is really going on deep inside with others. I have embraced living in the moment, focusing on the here and now, do the dishes, bend the steel, I have learned to breath when anxious, I am not perfect at any of this but I work on it and my life is wonderful when I do so.

Thanks to all my blogger friends for sharing their experience, strength, hope and lives with me, I learn much from each of you, you bring me joy and insight.

Peace Love Light

Scott

A Time of anwsered Prayers

It has been a couple of months worth of answered prayers!!! First was the selling of my home in Kearney which allowed me to move to Lincoln. Next it was finding a duplex to live in instead having to move into an apartment, this allowed me to have a washer and dryer so I didn't have to start doing the laundromat thing, it allow me to put up a storage shed instead of rent a storage unit for all my stuff, it provides me with the privacy I am use to and a nice lawn to take care and enjoy, a place for my dog to be comfortable in, the yard provides for my new found bird and rabbit friends also that I am feeding. Then came the job, a job the was given to me by God so that I can use the talents God has given me to serve other's, those new to recovery and those starting over and now I am coming to find out my experience as a practicing alcoholic/addict and a recovering alcoholic/addict is helping the techs who aren't alcoholic/addict understand the disease better via my sharing my story with them. It is rewarding to come home from work knowing you have done something positive, something that was of service to God and society. Some people cringe when I tell them I took a $3.00 an hour pay cut for this job but sometimes the rewards we reap are not monetary. Last week my companion N got a dream job being of service to God and society also, for her it was also an increase in pay and benefits but with 3 kids she needed this. My bond with N has grown stronger in small steps and so has the bond with her kids, see my last post.

Yesterday was a head banger though. My daughter and granddaughter have been living with N on a temporary bases, N's oldest son has been gone so it hasn't been too much of a problem but N is also not suppose to have anyone live with her for over a couple of weeks due to the regulations of assisted housing, so she was getting a bit nervous someone would find out and she would get in big trouble, also her son is back home because school has started, so N's stress level and mine were starting to max out since my daughter hadn't found a place to live. Part of the problem with my daughter is she can't sign a lease since she isn't 19, another is just pure laziness and wanting to live in too nice of a place instead of getting what she needs for her and the baby (1 year old) and having me sign the lease for her. Also she has this on again off again boyfriend who is 19 and suppose to be helping her find something but is worse at procrastinating than she is. Boyfriend is also lazy and has a poor job history which isn't helping him find work. When I saw them Sunday at N's house I stated it clearly as possible that she had to find a place by the end of the week, she has had 2 months to find a place to live, boyfriend was also there and I asked him if he had a job and he said yeah 2 jobs, stupid me didn't ask him what they were though. Tuesday I get a call from my daughter saying she has found a "nice" 3 bedroom house for $650.00 a month and needs a deposit of $650.00, she says that her boyfriend and another guy were going to split the rent, the other guy I know doesn't have a job and my daughter is just starting a job for minimum wage and only 20-30 hours a week, I told her she needed to get a guarantee that the friend would stick to his end of the bargain before I would do anything which also gave me time to think more about it, I also told her she needed to look for something cheaper. Yesterday she called asking about the deposit money, I question her on the friend, he hasn't returned her phone call, I ask her about her boyfriends contribution and she tells me he is waiting to get paid, then she tells me what the 2 jobs that I forgot to ask about are, he is babysitting for his sister and another friend, I was dumbfounded to say the least, not sure what I said to my daughter but I ended the conversation basically by saying a $650.00 a month apartment was out of the question considering the circumstances, no solid incomes. Alright I set myself up for this serenity deflation, I assumed that boyfriend's 2 jobs where construction related under the table jobs, oddball stuff like concrete work, roofing, oddball stuff which isn't uncommon in the summer time around here anyway, some how I expected deadbeat boyfriend to have changed. Somehow I expected my daughter to finally wise to this guy if he hadn't changed and assumed he had since they were together again, so my text to N saying "God grant me serenity PLEASE" was in reaction to my own messed up thinking, my expectations cause me to lose my serenity. So I had a very upset daughter because I won't go for this $650.00 house, I tell her to start checking out other for rent places and see if anyone will let her and Angel stay with them for a brief time until she finds something affordable. Part of the problem has also been that I have tried to stay out of this for the most part, making my daughter take responsibility and do the footwork herself, she is out on her own with a baby and needs to figure this stuff out without me doing the work for her all the time, when we have talked over the last few weeks I have asked her about finding a place to live and a job, so I have been reminding her so it is not like I haven't taken interest. I hit the panic button yesterday after talking to her, got on the local newspapers website and started making calls for housing that is in our price range, in the mean time the response I got back from N wasn't the loving one I expected, there goes that expect word again, it was a panic back from her in large type about her concerns over getting in trouble, one of the numbers I dialed showed up as a listed contact, one of my friends in recovery was renting out his basement apartment for $400.00 utilities paid, PRAYER ANSWERED thank you GOD. My daughter isn't overly happy about this, it isn't as nice as she would liked but I told her point blank it isn't about what you want it is about what you need and you need an affordable place to live for you and the baby, plus the guy is a friend and will work with you, no deposit needed, he will bend a bit on when the rent is due, it is safe and secure. I have never in my life lived by high standards, I am not into trashy living conditions although my old house wasn't in great condition while I was drinking, so I don't know where this idea of my daughters that she has to have a really nice place to live comes from, unless she just feels she needs to raise above the normal working class living conditions she was raised with. I told her that when she and her boyfriend save the money they can move into any place they want but for now just be grateful to have a place to live and it is not with someone else. I talked to N last night and she had calmed down and was normal over the phone, she understood my concern and I told her part of my fear was that this problem with my daughter would put a strain on our relationship, she just giggled and said it was alright. So once again God answered a prayer, although It did inject a bit of pain into my butt to get the footwork started for the prayer to be answered.

I have come a long way in on this path to recovery, I walked in an Agnostic not really certain about the power of prayer and to be honest I am still not 100% sure. What I do know is that it doesn't hurt anything to ask that our needs and those of ours be met if it be Thy will, to believe in the positive power in the universe, to believe that when we live our lives in a Godly way we receive the rewards for it. That our belief in a God of our understanding will see us through, that if we do the footwork that good things will happen not all the time but if it is to be it will be. I feel that God gave N and me our jobs because we worked hard at our recovery, that we are sincere about our devotion to helping others and using our dark past as a means to hopefully shed some light on another life, that it has taken this long for both of to have the awareness and strength to serve constructively. The promises are coming true for us because we have worked and are working the 12 steps, because we live by spiritual principles, not just because she is a Christian and I am Buddhist, we have both changed are way of living, she has become grounded in her family life and stopped having meaningless relationships in order to give herself some since of self worth by pleasing another. I have given myself to the practice of awareness and unselfishness as hard as it may be, I do my best to watch my words, awareness of how powerful words can be whether it be profanity/vulgarity or negative words, I try to be aware of my actions and how they effect others. I try every day to practice loving kindness and compassion towards others and so does N. I try to be Christ like and Buddha like in all that I do. I fail quite often but it is in the failing that I become away of where the work needs to take place. None of this is a direct result of just me or N, it is a gift from God, a gift I humbly acknowledge and give thanks for every morning and every night, it is the grace that is bestowed upon us. I know there are some of my blogger friends that are going through some really hard times and it seems that God is acting against them and my post here may seem like BS from where they are sitting all I can say is that as long as we stay sober something positive will come out of your pain in the end, as Prayer Girl said sometimes we have to stand in the hallway and wait for the next door to open. I hope I have given a bit of hope that the door will open for all when the time is right, it has been over 2 years waiting for these doors to open for me, well the big doors anyway, I have had a bunch of small ones open every once in a while. I should always try and be grateful for the doors, the ones that shut and the ones that open, for they give me an opportunity not dreamed of. The stuff with my daughter will be an on going process of ups and downs, this I will say is pure Karma for how I was with my parents, God is repaying my parents love and frustrations over my life via that of my daughter, the difference being for now is I have a fellowship to help me along that they didn't have, I have teachers who can guide me through the tough times when I really want to enable her even when it goes against my better judgement, who will step on my toes with tough love, my parents did the best they could with what they had and we both came out safely in the end once again thanks to God.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

A Spiritual Weekend,

Well hang on to your skivvies friends this might be a long one. I am going to write about our weekend camping trip, there is so much to tell, about the group, about what we did and about what I learned, educationally, spiritually and emotionally.

We were 10 adults and 4 kids, the adult were mainly in there 30’s, with one early 20’s, the 2 old men where myself and another guy who is 50 but we are young at heart. The kids were twin 13 year olds, 12 year old and an 8 year old, all siblings. We ended up taking my station wagon, no not the old boat type but a sleeker late 90’s model Ford I am not a total geek (vanity noticed) and also my pickup because we had too much stuff to for the medium sized cars every body had, coolers, lawn chairs and bedding take up a lot of space. We convoyed the 130 miles there with a stop at the nearest Wal-Mart for ice and lunch stuff, rolled into the cultural center at 1:30pm. The weather was overcast with light showers off and on when we were unloading and setting up. The ladies were impressed with the bunk houses, nice beds, linen provided, nicely decorated and very quaint and cozy, the nice restrooms/shower was a bonus even if it was a short walk away, and it didn’t smell like an outhouse.

Once we all got settled in it was education time. We all gather at the museum and were given an amazing history lesson. Most of us were aware that Nebraska was the home of Mammoth’s and Mastodon’s but we were not aware that 14-7 million years ago Nebraska was one of the most heavily populated places in the world for land animals. In those times Nebraska was a lush tropical land not far from a large body of water, unlike the flat plains and rolling canyons you see today. We were shown fossils or replica’s fossils that were found in the same area we were staying at; Nebraska is the home to 22 first time mammal discoveries. We were told about the unique Shovelnose Mastodon, rhino’s, saber tooth cat’s, predators and grazers. From there we were told about the indigenous people who first lived here, their hunting and farming techniques were explained. He worked his way into the time of the first settlers, the time of the buffalo, how the horse change everything, so that what where once farmers became more nomadic and the teepee replaced the earthen lodge. We where also told about the conflicts between the people of European descent and the native’s, how the government used the mass killing of buffalo against the natives by depleting an essential part of their lively hood, buffalo was food, clothing, shelter, and tools. He had different hands on fossils and artifacts so everyone could take a close look and really see what he was talking about. Next we moved to the reconstructed earthen lodge, it was a replica of a lodge dating back 1300 years ago. The life of the lodge dwellers was explained. The girls and women were told what their primary duties would have been, learning how to work animal hides for daily use, plus farming. Boys and men were told our job would have been the constant making of tools for farming and hunting, since the tool material, namely rocks, would dulled or break easily. He told us it took 3 years to make 1 lodge which held around 20 people. He explained how food was stored in the ground using layers and sealed with an ash mixture. He also talked about symbolism showing us feathers, drums, rattles, whistles and other things. He condemned modern society for our moving away from family traditions and unity, for our dependence on all the mod con’s of which he said he is just as guilty of. He praised the simple life that is by far more spiritually gratifying. In the early evening after supper, for some it was buffalo stew made with native ingredients and blue corn muffins, we were taken to the medicine circle. As he said medicine circle was really a lame translation of what it really is, a closer term would be spiritual magic circle. The circle is a place of worship and a calendar based on equinoxes, solaces, stars, moon, and sun pattern, with the number and placement of stones having significances. We were then taken on a hike to a natural spring. When ever we hiked he would point out little things, mostly plants and their various uses, Sunday evening he taught us how to make friendship bracelets from the fibers of the Yucca plant. He told us why the cottonwood tree has dancing leafs, the stem of the leaf is square instead of round and picks up the slightest breeze, he told about the healing powers of moss and cedar tree berries, wild pepper and others. He talked a lot about interdependence with nature; Buddha meets the Great Spirit if you will. So this was our education from a human teacher, the rest of the teachings came from the Spirit.

Saturday night we had a bonfire AA meeting, reading the story “Join the Tribe” from the 3rd edition of the Big Book, after that it was time for smore’s and roasting hot dogs over the fire. Saturday late night/Sunday early morning we had some heavy rains, we used it as a symbol that our souls were washed and cleansed for a new day. Sunday we had a wonderful breakfast of burritos, omelets and smoothies, yes smoothies, the chef brought a power pack so he could operate a blender, which floored my Grizzly Adams ass but everyone loved them so what the hell. I actually gave my girly girl friend a good smile when I came back from taking a hot shower and told her that “I may get all Grizzly Adams when camping but I am not going to ignore a hot shower in the morning if ones is available.” We started our day with an AA meeting reading pages 86 and 87 from the Big Book, the passage that starts out “Upon awakening” and talks about prayer and mediation, we closed with the “Prayer of St. Francis”. The chef and a couple of women were up early Saturday morning so there was talking right off the get go and I was also the other cook, so I never made time for early morning mediation on Saturday but I am use to this and came calm myself even with the activity going on around me. Sunday turned out to be a beautiful late spring day, nice sunshine temps in the mid 70’s, after some arm twisting every one went for a hike, it is impossible for 14 people to stay absolutely quiet, but I did take a couple of kids with me and we went ahead of the pack walked fairly silently taking in what we could, I would point out different things along the trail that they would have missed if they would have been gabbing and messing around. The trail end at lake/pond where the canoes were, so 5 adults and the 4 kids stayed and canoed while the rest went back to camp or into town for more ice. The lake was small and shallow but just right for novice canoe’rs including myself. There was a Blue Heron doing touch and goes along the edge and over the reeds, wood ducks, various birds, saw a big turtle swimming just under the surface and a water snake hauling ass across the surface, lots of relaxing fun. Sunday late afternoon was time for playing some cards, relaxing, ribs on the grill, then an NA meeting followed by another bonfire; more smore’s and grilled hot dogs. At 11:00pm all but 3 of us walked back to the medicine circle, it was on the top of a hill about a ¼ mile away, we laid down in the circle and believe it or not no one spoke a word for a good 10 to 15 minutes, kids included, I did a bit of guided mediation telling them to listen to the song of the wind, feel, hear and see, very spiritual, after that 6 of us had a 3rd step meeting. Monday morning I awoke to a chorus of birds singing above my tent, totally awesome. Once I got the coffee started and after I took a shower, I was able to do a short sitting mediation while the rest gathered in a cabin to shoot the breeze, after the mediation I unfolded my sore legs, the hiking took it’s toll on my out of shape muscles, stretched out and took in what was around me both the visual and the sounds, I was in awe by the cottonwood’s dancing leafs, by all appearances there was no breeze but when I glanced up at the cottonwood leafs sure enough they would be dancing while the leaves of the sumac, elm, and other leaves were still. I heard wild turkeys, cattle, and a multitude of birds and rustling, it was all very sensual and spiritual. After breakfast we packed up and headed home. I stopped at my dad’s headstone on the way home and gave him a bow and silent prayer, along with an AA old timer whose marker is a few rows away from dads.

The general consensus of the weekend was that it was a GREAT time. Four of the people where newcomers with less than a years sobriety and had never done anything like this sober before. They got a good dose of fellowship. Some of us just barely knew each before this weekend but we developed a strong bond. The loner chef was opened up and the last night there shared some honest misgivings about his sponsor and some people in recovery and was given some feedback that if he is willing to use will help him along his path. All of us that went were on the same path both spiritually and in recovery, we didn’t pound God or recovery down anyone’s throat, we lived recovery. We were ourselves, after a very short time all the pretensions and need to impress where laid aside because there was an air of trust. We all agree we would do more stuff together through out the summer. 7 of us have already planned to travel 4 hours north to participate in a weekend long campout and sober float down the biggest river in Nebraska. The Great Spirit smiled on us this weekend and we all know this walking out of that canyon better people. One of my sponsee’s made a strong connection with my niece, both are fairly new in recovery, on the way home we talked about it and how he wanted a strong relationship with her and understood how important it was to let things grow without messing it up with sex. I saw the bond happening but didn’t say anything, he talked to others before he talked to me; I think he was afraid of my reaction since his affection was for my niece. I told him I couldn’t stop him and talked about my own stuff, which is explained in the next paragraph. It was a great bonding time for my sponsee and me. My niece found a new sponsor in one of the women there, and I am so happy for her, the sponsor is solid in recovery and her sponsor is in my opinion the best female sponsor in our whole area.

I mentioned wanting to get to know one of the women better in an earlier post. Well we did, we have a lot in common, interest and spirituality. I was scared to death to ask her if she wanted to have supper sometime, even though we made great eye contact and sometime she would look at me when she was give her thoughts on a subject. This fear of rejection is so powerful sometimes it sucks!! Also the low self esteem, even though I have been told more than once I am an attractive man, I notice that I am not buff and muscular. I talked with a couple of guys just to express the fear. I also reflected back on step 3, know I had to trust my God, and understand that what ever the answer was it would be alright. I waited until the last moment and when she gave me a goodbye hug I whispered in her ear “would you like to have supper sometime” and she replied “sure, call me” well it wasn’t a gushing “yes I would love to” but it sure made my heart soar!!! I called her last night and got her voice mail, it was 8:30 or there about, she never called me back but I have to assume that she just never got a chance. See the self doubt creeping in again, she did say yes to supper and she is an honest enough person that if she didn’t want to she would have said a flat out sorry no thank you. This is another learning lesson for me, my freaking cravings are creating the suffering and I need to look the craving in the eye and say “hey you can’t mess with me like this” which I am working on. I see a whole other post opening up here so I will stop with this. I can take what I experienced in nature this weekend and apply it to my interest in this woman that the universe does as it will and that I am just a part of it and so is she, that what will happen will happen so I don’t need to fret about it.

Thanks for hanging in there on this journey!!!

Peaceful Sunday Morning

I am so greatful for the gift of soberiety and Dharma!!! My Angel (granddaughter) woke up at 9:30 same time as me, I made her a bottle put her in her high chair gave her some cereal to munch on, made my coffee and all is well. It is sunny and peaceful outside, I have the window next to the laptop open, Angel is behind me, happy and continent, what more could I ask for!! 3 years ago this wouldn't have been possible, my head would have been foggy, by 11:00am I would be on my first beer, my daughter would have in no way moved in with me for a short period until she gets things going, she probably wouldn't have let me take care of Angel either. I am taking Angel with me to the my Sunday morning AA meeting, if Mich wakes up and Angel isn't here she will know she is safe. I wasn't a safe person when I drank, I didn't get in the car without at least a six pack of beer, unless I was heading to work. I was getting very forgetful in the last stages of my drinking also. It is a beautiful thing to have a clear and aware mind today, I not mean the lightly. I have receiced some wonderful gifts from living the 12 steps of recovery and following the Dharma.
Today I will hopefully finish the shed I started building last fall, one or more of my sponsee's is coming over this afternoon, we will share in the gift of recovery and maybe do some step work. Two of the guys I sponsor have really been an asset for me. they are a grounding force and a joy to watch grow. One of them got high on Thursday but called me, tail between his legs, we took a roadtrip last night to an out of town meeting and hopefully he is over the shame and ready to press on. Well some one wants down and I need to get her and me both dressed.

Leaf on a Stream, going with the Flow

I have been going through a lot of changes lately. Having my daughter back in my life after her living in group homes for the last 10 months and now her living on her own but close by has provided me with an opportunity to practice letting go. I have had to ease off on making sure she is making her appointments and taking care of business, if she is going to live in the real world she needs to learn how to handle real world situations. I haven’t thrown her out in the cold but I have given her the opportunity to make her own mistakes and learn from them. She has the assistance of the HHS independent living program for now to get her use to living on a budget and other living skills and hopefully when she is done with the program she will be equipped to live on her own and take care of Angel.
Angel is still a bright spot in my life, I am so grateful that I am sober and can be a part of her life. She continues to be a very content baby unless hungry or wet. She takes in the world around her, looking at things, she smiles at calm friendly voices. She has started trying to talk, her mouth moves like crazy, cooing and making grunting sounds, she has also started laughing out loud. Last night was a real joy I was singing Beatle songs to her and she was doing her best to sing back to me. The bonding is a special and beautiful happening.
My dad will be moved into an assisted living unit at the Veteran’s home in the near future. It has been sad watching this once proud and strong man wither away to nothing and losing his ability to comprehend things in the process. The blessing is he doesn’t have Alzheimer’s just dementia, some times he is with it other times he doesn’t have a clue or his mind goes back 20 or 30 years. A couple of weeks ago he woke up in the middle of the night and started messing with the outlets because he was dreaming he was troubleshooting an electrical problem the next day he asked me if I would check to make sure the circuit was right, I had mom remove any extension cords from the room in fear that he might accidentally shock himself in one of his delusions. Having to pay closer attention to my dad and struggling with him when he gets the bouts of delusion is taking its toll on my mom who has always suffered with anxiety and thus she goes through periods of confusion and anger. So the time has come to have him place in the care of others. I am grateful I have been able to be a calming voice and able to take them to appointments when need be.
All this and more have been going on but the one thing I have noticed is how I am dealing with things and also other changes in my behavior. I don’t get very upset or excited much anymore. Each morning I do a short mediation and prayer, the mediation consist of maybe 30-45 seconds of relaxed breathing followed by a prayer of thanks for waking up (because of my drinking past I should be dead) then a prayer that Thich Nhat Hanh wrote which says “I smile at the world, a new 24 hours to practice compassion” followed by asking for guidance in applying the Eightfold path to the best of my ability and the removal of the bondage of self. By doing this every morning I am amazed at how often when I start to get excited, anxious or angry my mind brings up living in the moment, pause, breath deeply in and out, focus or refocus, I am able to relax if I do these things, I also identify the emotion and if it goes against the precepts or path I correct the action or make a mental note not to repeat the action, I am slowly becoming aware. This doesn’t happen all the time and I get impatient with myself for not being better at countering my suffering but at least I am doing what I can do. In reality I am extremely happy with the little progress I have made. The negative energy at work is affecting me less and I am letting up on mentally slandering certain co-workers but trying to understand them with compassion and not contempt. I am going some minor public speaking and even though I have been very nervous it hasn’t shown very much. My use of profanity is also getting better, “right speech”. So much has change since I started down the path of the Dharma, it would be long list if I listed everything but the main thing is I am aware and I am aware that some of the things I use to do just don’t set right with me anymore, I have also gained strength by giving calm response in confrontational situations, well most of the time anyway. I stay out of the future a lot better and don’t project so much on conversations I may have or events that haven’t taken place, I still to the footwork by planning out what I can, or doing what needs to be done, but I don’t worry as much as I use to. I am still undisciplined but that is getting better, I have started sitting mediation at night, now I just need to work on getting up earlier and doing the same, I still put off some unpleasant things but bit by bit I am getting better at doing them too. I have found some teachers in Nebraska and now need to contact them; I need to mediate once again to overcome my fear about being a raw newcomer to the Buddha. The of what they will say to me, even though I know they will act with compassion the “old self” still dwells deep inside and is very insecure.
I am gratefully for the disease caused me to crash and find a new way of living one beyond the 12 steps and the rooms that I need as well. I am starting to see a balance between recovery and this spiritual path.
Thanks to all the teachers who have helped me.
Namaste
Scott