Tuesday, November 29, 2011

5 years

End of the Line
by Warren Hayes

And now the gravity of trouble was more than I could bear,
At times my luck was so bad, I had to fold my hands,
Almost lost my soul, rarely I could find my head,
Wake up early in the morning, feeling nearly dead.

I was never afraid of danger, took trouble on the chin,
Mountains I have climbed, that have killed a thousand men,
Spent most of my lifetime downtown, sleepin' behind the wheel,
Never needed anybody, I was king of the hill.

Oh, when I think about the old days,
Lord, it sends chills up and down my spine,
Yeah life ain't what it seems, on the boulevard of broken dreams,
Guess I opened my eyes in the nick of time,
'Cause it sure felt like the end of the line.

No matter how hard I run, I just can't get away
I try to do my best, but the devil gets in my way
Spent most of my lifetime downtown, sleepin' behind the wheel
'Till it all came down to kill or be killed

Oh, when I think about the old days,
Lord, it sends chills up and down my spine,
Yeah life ain't what it seems, on the boulevard of broken dreams,
Guess I opened my eyes in the nick of time,
'Cause it sure felt like the end of the line.

These are the lyrics to an Allman Brothers/Government Mule song which pretty much sum up where I was at 5 years ago.

First a little humor. I walked into Mich's house last week and she asked if I use the word son-of-a-bitch because her roommate and her don't. Seems Angel was doing something and got frustrated and said son-of-a-bitch, which took Mich and roommate by surprise. Here's the thing, this has been past down from my dad, it was one of his favorite expletives, so my dad is still here and pasting on his ways to another generation. Still papa needs to pay closer attention to the words he uses and his actions, there are 2 mini me's in life, little ones who love their papa and mimic him because he is soo cool :-)

So for the second time in my life I have 5 years of sobriety today, it was 5 years ago I checked myself into a treatment center because my life had spiraled out of control and I wanted to get control back. When I told my family I was going to treatment my intent wasn't to get sober but to get the heat of the family, job and law off my ass. The Doctors Opinion in the Big Book talks about a psychic change taking place and this is what happened to me after a couple of days in treatment. Part of this happened by rereading We Agnostics and getting spiritually grounded and having a 2x4 hit me upside the head reminding me that AA is about finding a God of our own understanding and not someone else's, even if they are trying to persuade you to accept their God, this was part of my fall out with the fellowship.

This year started out with the breakup of my relationship with Lady B, it hurt but accepted nothing is permanent. Understood the reasons and moved on. Understood I was probably more in love with the companionship and intimacy than the core her and life style she lived with her son.

Lost the job I really loved in January, this really hurt. It took a while to get over my hurt feelings toward the executive director, I understood what I did wrong but still felt she was overreacting. But I was wrong for writing about other peoples personal lives on my blog which is a public format. A couple of weeks ago she sent me an email apologizing for what happened, how she was in a bad place and listening to people who didn't have her best interest and my words were just to blatantly honest at the time for her to accept. I wrote back saying all was good and had turned out for the best.

Because I lost my job I moved back to my adopted home town, Kearney. Losing the job was a blessing in disguise. I now live close to my daughter and grand kids, plus back with my old AA group and friends.

My moving prompted my mom to move back to Kearney also, she is much happier in her little apartment, she has other older women to spend time with, her youngest sister gladly helps her out and they enjoy spending time together, my mom has a lot less stress in her life now, another blessing which happened with me getting fired.

I learned to humble myself a lot when I took the job of doing manual labor bending steel for 10 hours a night, 5 to 6 days a week. I learned it didn't matter how much management experience I have, there are better qualified people out there for the jobs I have applied for. I have a steady income which pays the bills and provides me with a bit extra when there is a bunch of overtime. I have learned to handle the sore muscle and accept them. I have learned to and continue to learn acceptance of supervisors who in my opinion are poor managers, all I am responsible for is doing my job to the best of my ability.

I have enjoyed plenty of yard work, something I missed living in an apartment. I have gone camping a few times. I built a shed, even though it isn't perfect, I took the time and used the appropriate tools and materials to make it the best shed I could with the skills I have. I put up a Christmas tree for the first time in a lot of years, I did this for my kids because for me Christmas is about joy in children's faces and not commercialism.

I got into a weird short relationship and learned something from it. This relationship caused me to really reach out to my backup sponsor for help and take a close look at how I react to those things in life which upset me at a deep intellectual and spiritual level. I have also had to look closely at me relationship with those I work with and find ways to accept them for being who they are. My new mantra is "yeah like you are so damn perfect" this makes me step back and smile at my arrogance and ego/selfishness.

I cried at a meeting when I felt over joyed with the knowledge I can spend 4 hours between the time I get up and the time I go to work without picking up a drink. In the last years of my drinking I could not , not drink when I had idol time. I am filled with joy and gratitude that when I come home at night sometimes very sore, I reach for a can of soda or bottle of water instead of a beer. I no longer need to self medicate with alcohol neither do I take a bunch of over the counter drugs to ease the pain.

Some have had a hell of a lot worse year then I have but still I am grateful that through all the low lows and highs I haven't picked up a drink, the compulsion and obsession has been removed, so long as I stay spiritually fit.

What is different about this 5 year mark than the last? My first time around I never really found a spiritual way of life. Today I practice spiritual principles to the best of my ability on a daily bases. Meetings are not enough for me, I need a spiritual path in life. I have also been more willing to share what is really going on deep inside with others. I have embraced living in the moment, focusing on the here and now, do the dishes, bend the steel, I have learned to breath when anxious, I am not perfect at any of this but I work on it and my life is wonderful when I do so.

Thanks to all my blogger friends for sharing their experience, strength, hope and lives with me, I learn much from each of you, you bring me joy and insight.

Peace Love Light
Scott


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Congratulations, Scott. I enjoy reading you and having you be a part of my recovery journey. We need all the good friends we can get.

Shadow said...

this is huge Scott, congratulations. your words are filled with peace, even though there is sadness mixed into them, and i think this has to do with acceptance and letting go, what happens, happens for a reason, a reason we don't know or understand at the time, but someone knows better than us, and that is the key, going with the flow rather than trying to control the flow of the universe. it's good to hear you today, you're quite the inspiration! lotsa love, V