Just somethings

Hey all, just writing because I like to do so every week or so. Angel is asleep on the couch and Carter in the bedroom, I have the t.v. on Nick Jr. which is showing a Franklin the turtle movie, this way when Angel wakes up there is something on she will watch without having to channel surf or her getting upset because Scooby Doo or Bugs Bunny isn't on, she is still to young to understand different shows come on at different times. I am not a big pro football fan so could care less about the super bowl.

The colonoscopy went well, the prep wasn't that bad for me, a lot of people I know complained about drinking the cleansing stuff, I just mixed in some Crystal Lite and drank it as fast as I could, first 2 glasses really fast the other 2 took about an hour, the results didn't bother me either. It was kind of funny because the kids were here and they are my little shadows, so at times I had both kids and even the dog in the bathroom with me, every time I went Carter followed, he would stand by the tub pulling on his shirt thinking Papa was going to give him a bath, he loves taking a bath. My biggest concern was being anesthetized, I have never been put under before, never had surgery. Now grant it I have passed out but never been put to sleep with anesthetics I didn't take myself. My ex and Mich both have a hard coming back around and get a bit sick. It was a rather cool experience, one minute I was talking and the next I was waking up in the recovery room talking to the nurse, I felt really good, think it might have been the drugs they gave me for the procedure, anyway she gave me a cup of coffee and I was good to rock and roll. I didn't over do it after the scope, didn't eat much just some chicken and a bit of candy, rested and watched movies. I am glad I had the colonoscopy done, it really gave me a good piece of mind because I am only 1 year away from 50 and they say colon cancer is a silent killer and I have had stomach troubles off and on for years.

The temperatures have been in the 50's and low 60's up until Friday. Friday started out with rain and by evening it was snowing, by midnight there was probably 6 inches of snow on the ground. One of the young guys at work is from El Salvador, he drives a Civic and lives in a hilly area. I told him when we left work at midnight, they let us go early due to the road conditions, if he had any problems to call me, sure enough he couldn't make it down his road, got stuck but was able to get out and head back to town. I met him at a gas station and took him home, even with the Suburban the road was treacherous. It is nice having the Suburban, knowing I can get around in the snow plus know it will come in handy this summer. We ended up with 10-12 inches of really wet snow, I stayed home all day and vegged out, made chili and brownies to eat on, the plant was closed due to the weather. It may not seem like much to others but spending a day in my house alone and being perfectly happy is a wonderful thing for me. Not that many years ago I would have started drinking early, probably run out, driven icy roads to get more, would have been pouring beer down the pity pot of loneliness and nobody loves me, boo hoo hoo. Somedays it still amazes me the cravings and compulsion to drink are gone, I give thanks every night when I lay my head on my pillow.

This morning at my home group meeting, a portion of We Agnostics was read, I love this chapter in the Big Book. For one it takes me back to how angry I was toward religion when I was drinking, how a major of the people I was associating with in recovery my first time around were very 1 sided on spiritual matters and how I suppressed my thoughts just to feel a part of the groups. I remember reading We Agnostics in treatment and the freedom I felt, the comfort of Bill's words retelling me it was alright to have my own understanding of a God, the realm of the spirit being broad enough for all conceptions of a power greater than ourselves. It also brought me back to a night early in this recovery. I was in a meeting, people were sharing about their God which seemed the same for everyone and I felt really disconnected, just about walked out in frustration. After the meeting I stood outside smoking and thinking about what I had heard, also talked to my sponsor. It was at this meeting I truly understood believing in my own concept of a God, not comparing my feelings about a God concept with what others were sharing, not comparing my insides with their outsides. I believe that night was a make or break point for me in my recovery, I stopped think so hard about what God was or wasn't and stopped comparing myself to others so much, I didn't stop the comparisons just started being more mindful of my comparing and how it make me feel. I still catch myself comparing on occasion but usually now when I do it I am looking closer at where I am falling short in working the steps daily or living a spiritual life. I need the reminders of where I have come from, I also need to share this with others because this morning there were people in the room who were feeling the same way I did 5 years ago.

Life is good in my tiny little speck of the universe. I do have some anxiety going on concerning the job prospect. I have been told I am the top candidate for the position and there are just some things the guy who would be hiring me needs to find out. The guy is the regional sales manager, so he has a lot on his plate which I understand so things will happen in his time not mine. I doubt I am much different than others when I foresee a new avenue possibly happening in my life, I think about the changes to come, ability to hit more meetings and put more time into DCM work, the freedom of weekends off, I am also more aware of muscle and body pains at work focusing my my mind on how I need to get a less physical job. I do my best to focus back in on the moment, to be grateful I have a job which pays my bills. Standing in the hallway waiting to see if a new door is going to come open sucks but it is what it is and I will be alright no matter the outcome. This is just a bit of honest reflection on what is going on within me, I know way too many others who are experiencing far worse challenges in life, these people are in my thoughts and prayers.

Writing this the morning after I started. The kids woke up about 1/2 way through, let them play in the tub together, then just play in the living room. End up with Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire being put in, Angel loves most of the Harry Potter movies, Carter played with his ball and didn't get into too much stuff but still kept Papa on his toes. Mich showed up at midnight to get them, Carter was asleep by then and Angel was ready to go home to her bed. She has got to the point where she still loves spending time with Papa but also wants to be home with mommy, Mich was working a lot of late evenings for awhile so both the kids missed being with her.

I am grateful for the life I have, for not have an obsession to drink, for my job, for my daughter and grand babies, for my health, for being able to shovel snow, for my sponsors and friends in recovery and for my friends not in recovery, for the awareness of the beauty of nature, seeing how beautiful the heavy snow is on the trees, for the sweet little dog who lays on my lap or whats to play ball when I get home from work, grateful I can afford a 4 wheel drive to get myself and others around in bad weather, grateful for the acceptance that nothing is permanent, grateful for another day to try my best to live a life based on recovery and Dharma principles, for a hot cup of coffee and a warm shower.

Peace Love Light
Scott

A Time of anwsered Prayers

It has been a couple of months worth of answered prayers!!! First was the selling of my home in Kearney which allowed me to move to Lincoln. Next it was finding a duplex to live in instead having to move into an apartment, this allowed me to have a washer and dryer so I didn't have to start doing the laundromat thing, it allow me to put up a storage shed instead of rent a storage unit for all my stuff, it provides me with the privacy I am use to and a nice lawn to take care and enjoy, a place for my dog to be comfortable in, the yard provides for my new found bird and rabbit friends also that I am feeding. Then came the job, a job the was given to me by God so that I can use the talents God has given me to serve other's, those new to recovery and those starting over and now I am coming to find out my experience as a practicing alcoholic/addict and a recovering alcoholic/addict is helping the techs who aren't alcoholic/addict understand the disease better via my sharing my story with them. It is rewarding to come home from work knowing you have done something positive, something that was of service to God and society. Some people cringe when I tell them I took a $3.00 an hour pay cut for this job but sometimes the rewards we reap are not monetary. Last week my companion N got a dream job being of service to God and society also, for her it was also an increase in pay and benefits but with 3 kids she needed this. My bond with N has grown stronger in small steps and so has the bond with her kids, see my last post.

Yesterday was a head banger though. My daughter and granddaughter have been living with N on a temporary bases, N's oldest son has been gone so it hasn't been too much of a problem but N is also not suppose to have anyone live with her for over a couple of weeks due to the regulations of assisted housing, so she was getting a bit nervous someone would find out and she would get in big trouble, also her son is back home because school has started, so N's stress level and mine were starting to max out since my daughter hadn't found a place to live. Part of the problem with my daughter is she can't sign a lease since she isn't 19, another is just pure laziness and wanting to live in too nice of a place instead of getting what she needs for her and the baby (1 year old) and having me sign the lease for her. Also she has this on again off again boyfriend who is 19 and suppose to be helping her find something but is worse at procrastinating than she is. Boyfriend is also lazy and has a poor job history which isn't helping him find work. When I saw them Sunday at N's house I stated it clearly as possible that she had to find a place by the end of the week, she has had 2 months to find a place to live, boyfriend was also there and I asked him if he had a job and he said yeah 2 jobs, stupid me didn't ask him what they were though. Tuesday I get a call from my daughter saying she has found a "nice" 3 bedroom house for $650.00 a month and needs a deposit of $650.00, she says that her boyfriend and another guy were going to split the rent, the other guy I know doesn't have a job and my daughter is just starting a job for minimum wage and only 20-30 hours a week, I told her she needed to get a guarantee that the friend would stick to his end of the bargain before I would do anything which also gave me time to think more about it, I also told her she needed to look for something cheaper. Yesterday she called asking about the deposit money, I question her on the friend, he hasn't returned her phone call, I ask her about her boyfriends contribution and she tells me he is waiting to get paid, then she tells me what the 2 jobs that I forgot to ask about are, he is babysitting for his sister and another friend, I was dumbfounded to say the least, not sure what I said to my daughter but I ended the conversation basically by saying a $650.00 a month apartment was out of the question considering the circumstances, no solid incomes. Alright I set myself up for this serenity deflation, I assumed that boyfriend's 2 jobs where construction related under the table jobs, oddball stuff like concrete work, roofing, oddball stuff which isn't uncommon in the summer time around here anyway, some how I expected deadbeat boyfriend to have changed. Somehow I expected my daughter to finally wise to this guy if he hadn't changed and assumed he had since they were together again, so my text to N saying "God grant me serenity PLEASE" was in reaction to my own messed up thinking, my expectations cause me to lose my serenity. So I had a very upset daughter because I won't go for this $650.00 house, I tell her to start checking out other for rent places and see if anyone will let her and Angel stay with them for a brief time until she finds something affordable. Part of the problem has also been that I have tried to stay out of this for the most part, making my daughter take responsibility and do the footwork herself, she is out on her own with a baby and needs to figure this stuff out without me doing the work for her all the time, when we have talked over the last few weeks I have asked her about finding a place to live and a job, so I have been reminding her so it is not like I haven't taken interest. I hit the panic button yesterday after talking to her, got on the local newspapers website and started making calls for housing that is in our price range, in the mean time the response I got back from N wasn't the loving one I expected, there goes that expect word again, it was a panic back from her in large type about her concerns over getting in trouble, one of the numbers I dialed showed up as a listed contact, one of my friends in recovery was renting out his basement apartment for $400.00 utilities paid, PRAYER ANSWERED thank you GOD. My daughter isn't overly happy about this, it isn't as nice as she would liked but I told her point blank it isn't about what you want it is about what you need and you need an affordable place to live for you and the baby, plus the guy is a friend and will work with you, no deposit needed, he will bend a bit on when the rent is due, it is safe and secure. I have never in my life lived by high standards, I am not into trashy living conditions although my old house wasn't in great condition while I was drinking, so I don't know where this idea of my daughters that she has to have a really nice place to live comes from, unless she just feels she needs to raise above the normal working class living conditions she was raised with. I told her that when she and her boyfriend save the money they can move into any place they want but for now just be grateful to have a place to live and it is not with someone else. I talked to N last night and she had calmed down and was normal over the phone, she understood my concern and I told her part of my fear was that this problem with my daughter would put a strain on our relationship, she just giggled and said it was alright. So once again God answered a prayer, although It did inject a bit of pain into my butt to get the footwork started for the prayer to be answered.

I have come a long way in on this path to recovery, I walked in an Agnostic not really certain about the power of prayer and to be honest I am still not 100% sure. What I do know is that it doesn't hurt anything to ask that our needs and those of ours be met if it be Thy will, to believe in the positive power in the universe, to believe that when we live our lives in a Godly way we receive the rewards for it. That our belief in a God of our understanding will see us through, that if we do the footwork that good things will happen not all the time but if it is to be it will be. I feel that God gave N and me our jobs because we worked hard at our recovery, that we are sincere about our devotion to helping others and using our dark past as a means to hopefully shed some light on another life, that it has taken this long for both of to have the awareness and strength to serve constructively. The promises are coming true for us because we have worked and are working the 12 steps, because we live by spiritual principles, not just because she is a Christian and I am Buddhist, we have both changed are way of living, she has become grounded in her family life and stopped having meaningless relationships in order to give herself some since of self worth by pleasing another. I have given myself to the practice of awareness and unselfishness as hard as it may be, I do my best to watch my words, awareness of how powerful words can be whether it be profanity/vulgarity or negative words, I try to be aware of my actions and how they effect others. I try every day to practice loving kindness and compassion towards others and so does N. I try to be Christ like and Buddha like in all that I do. I fail quite often but it is in the failing that I become away of where the work needs to take place. None of this is a direct result of just me or N, it is a gift from God, a gift I humbly acknowledge and give thanks for every morning and every night, it is the grace that is bestowed upon us. I know there are some of my blogger friends that are going through some really hard times and it seems that God is acting against them and my post here may seem like BS from where they are sitting all I can say is that as long as we stay sober something positive will come out of your pain in the end, as Prayer Girl said sometimes we have to stand in the hallway and wait for the next door to open. I hope I have given a bit of hope that the door will open for all when the time is right, it has been over 2 years waiting for these doors to open for me, well the big doors anyway, I have had a bunch of small ones open every once in a while. I should always try and be grateful for the doors, the ones that shut and the ones that open, for they give me an opportunity not dreamed of. The stuff with my daughter will be an on going process of ups and downs, this I will say is pure Karma for how I was with my parents, God is repaying my parents love and frustrations over my life via that of my daughter, the difference being for now is I have a fellowship to help me along that they didn't have, I have teachers who can guide me through the tough times when I really want to enable her even when it goes against my better judgement, who will step on my toes with tough love, my parents did the best they could with what they had and we both came out safely in the end once again thanks to God.

Peace Love and Light
Scott