Ice on the Streets but not in my Heart

How's that for a catchy title to a post;-D Not sure how much this post will deal with either since I am just starting out. Will say we are experiencing an Artic blast, high temp was 10 degrees with the added wind chill it was -10, my old town was -27 at 7am this morning that is with a wind chill. Needless to say it doesn't take a person long to smoke a cigarette if you have to do so outside. This won't last long though, usually we get a couple of weeks of this type of cold every winter. I am one of those who will never bitch about how hot it is in the summer because I would rather it be 100 degrees than 10 below. I accept the cold, I live in Nebraska and have no choice in the matter but I also dislike having to wear gloves, heavy coat and shoes, too much restriction on the body and not enough pure air caressing my skin.

My little friend left treatment today, she is going to the women's home where she will get further assistance in staying sober and learning to manage her life and become a good mother. She had a small hiccup but that turned out for the best, she is only getting her son part time. She will have her son every other day instead of all the time. At first she was really upset by this but has come to understand that this will give her a chance to work on her instead of constantly thinking about her son and parenting. The bit about my feelings towards her have pretty much passed, I just needed to write about them, get them out in the open so I could see them better. Not that I still don't care about her well being and that of her son but I will try to stay out of her life as much as possible, other than to talk to her at meetings and be an emergency backup for rides. If she starts using me too much for rides then I will have to put a stop to that. She is in God's hands just like the rest of us.

As of tomorrow we will be down to only 12 clients in the treatment center with one leaving the end of the week. We will probably get a couple more this week not sure how many though. Since I have worked at the center, we have had on average 17 clients, so this small of numbers is different for us. Not sure why the decline unless it has something to do with the holiday season. The clients we have right now are a mixed bag, more so than usual especially for such a small number. We have some that are really just playing along, not sure if their heart is really into long term recovery. We have a couple of older guys who have been through treatment before, been in recovery before and think they know everything. A couple of these guys are hard to work with because they won't really listen to suggestions about the reason they haven't been able to stay sober. Oh they can write all about what it was like and what happened but when we try to guide them we receive these looks of "you don't know what the "F" you are talking about". What I see with these guys is their pride is getting in the way, somehow they need to get humble to the fact that they can't do recovery on their own and never could, it is about God and others. The best course of action is to just continue to talk with them the best that we can, have them take a closer look at their thinking, emphasis the need for a spiritual base of recovery. It is fun and sad at how "hard headed" we can be sometimes, I include myself in this.

I was on a panel Sunday to discuss sponsorship. The noon group has started going over different pamphlets every week to discuss different aspects of recovery and share about them, mainly this is for the newcomers. I was asked to be on the panel a couple of months ago and like I was told long ago never say "no" to an AA request unless you absolutely have no to due to prior commitments. I was extremely nervous about being on this panel, it was my first time speaking in Lincoln and with so many people available I really questioned why I was chosen being a small fish. Another reason for being nervous was I was on the panel with some long term recovery, one guy had 33 years, one woman 26 and another with 18, I was the 4th person with 3 years. Sunday morning my mind was in hyper drive, I was really hoping for a reason not to attend, fear was raging in my head. The only thing I know how to do was pray, I prayed in the shower, I prayed drinking my coffee and I prayed on the drive over. There were about 30 people in attendance which is a comfortable size for me, even though I am pretty much a reserved person I have no huge troubles speaking in public, I ask God to guide my thoughts and speak from the heart, God has always come in and taken over giving my courage and strength. My fear once again was being on the panel with these other people and worrying about what they would think of what I had to say, selfishness it the root of all our troubles.

Mister 33 years started off, he talked about his history with sponsorship and also about the history of sponsorship in AA, really interesting share, I was up next. I really hadn't thought much about what I was going to say prior to getting there, I figure I would just share my own experiences with sponsorship and my understanding of it, pretty much wing it with my God's help. While mister 33 was speaking I thought about the fact that I was sitting here in a suit and tie, so that was my lead off. I shared that it was because of a sponsor that I was wearing a suit and tie, that I was told long ago that when I speak in public that I am representing AA and as such I need to look respectful, I also need to show respect for myself to. I shared that my normal attire was jean's, t-shirt or flannel shirt but what kind of message would that send. To me that sends the message that I don't take recovery seriously, that I don't take AA seriously either, that I don't have respect for the audience if I am up there in a flannel shirt and jeans. Part of learning to respect myself is respecting my appearance, if I feel good about myself then clean clothes, good hygiene and appropriate dress reflect this. Now I love my jeans, t-shirts and sandals or boots and wear them to meetings but they are all in good repair, I have thrown away shirts if the collars get ragged or save them for yard work. If the newcomer walks in and sees me looking ragged what kind of impression am I making, do I look to them like the gutter bum they expected. My appearance is part of sharing hope and maybe a common bond, hope that we have risen above the self hating scum we once where and our appearance reflected this, the common bond comes from being average but clean and healthy, a reflection of the soul. I hope this makes since to you all.

The other thing I talked about, and this came from the pamphlet, was not choosing a sponsor that is just like us, some one that we have "everything" in common with. I need someone who is just different enough that this person will not be my best buddy. If I am too close to someone then that person may have a tougher time giving me the tough love they have to on occasion, they have be able to call my BS without fear of damaging the friendship, a friendship based on hanging out together. My sponsor and I are friends but not close friends, we have enough in common that we can have casual conversations and spend time together but I don't hang out at his house either. My other contribution to the panel was, talking about the sponsor being the first person I learned to trust deeply. By learning to trust my sponsor I learned to trust my God. My sponsor was my first contact with God in my opinion, my sponsor was God speaking to me when I was unable to listen directly. When I got sober I was fairly anti-social and didn't trust anyone including myself, my sponsor showed me how to trust again. He didn't mock my words, he would explain how my thinking wasn't sound but never did he mock me. This trust lead up to doing the 5th step with him, trusting him to know everything about me so that he can help me and also teach me to help myself with God's aid. Via the 5th step my sponsor knows when my old character defects are rearing their heads and he can point this out to me so that I am aware of the choices I am making.

When the meeting was over, I receive handshakes and hugs, returned in same. The fear became gratitude like it usually does. Once again it was brought home that I need to trust God in this process of recovery. I will always say yes to an AA request but that doesn't mean I will always walk into the event serene, it is in the action that serenity is achieved sometimes. God has shown me this over and over but I have selfish fear sometimes, guess this mean's God has more work to do with me and I with It.

Today is kind of a messed up day. I worked the overnight last night plus an extra hour, got home around 9am, made it to bed shortly after 10am. I got up at 6pm and have been messing around on the computer plus doing some cooking. Tomorrow I have to go in at 7am, so up by 6am. It is creeping on midnight now, the best I can do is put in a movie now that this post is done and hopefully fall asleep in an hour or so. Cool thing is I will be alright when I get up, cup of coffee and a smoke with wake me up further and by the time my happy butt walks through the door of the center I will be full awake and filled with grace. My head won't be fuzzy from the effects of too much beer and I won't thinking about "having" to go to work, I will be glad that I am "allowed" to go to work and happy to be there.

Hey Sarah hope you like the shorter paragraph's, made a conscience attempt just for you to divide subject matter up better :) Hope all of you are well and happy as can be, that you are finding peace, love and light of the Spirit.

Hugs and Love
Scott