Monday, December 7, 2009

Winter Wonderland





This is a side view of my house looking from the west, yes I do own an old beater pickup and a station wagon. Yesterday and last night we received 4 inches snow. Yesterday it was really beautiful out, light to medium snow coming down, slight breeze so the snow was coming in at an angle. The accumulation was gradual, so it was a peaceful build up. The streets around town were a bit slick but not icy slick and to my amazement people where being cautious as they drove around, they were not driving so fast and not tailgating, actually slowing down a bit ahead of stop signs and traffic lights instead of rushing up on them per usual.

Yes I did go out shopping yesterday even though I dislike the crowds. Part of this was boredom and just needing to get out of the house for a bit, the other part was semi-legit. I talked to my daughter yesterday and found out Angel doesn't have any snow boots or winter shoes, so being the compulsive obsessive person I am on occasion, my mind was set on going and getting her some boots NOW, forget the cold and snow. I was also obsessing about what to buy Angel for Christmas and needed to check out prices and availability, oh yeah and the pup was out of cheese, yes she is spoiled and has to have her cheese every couple of days and I was out of hash browns and last but not least I wanted to rent a couple of movies for the evening. So now you have my justification for venturing out into snowy 25 degree weather. Wednesday the high it going to be 15 degrees, with the overnight dipping below zero, crazy thing is as long as the wind isn't blowing it is bearable with a good coat on, my gloves and skull cap are still in the closet somewhere but I do need to find them just in case it gets really cold and windy.

I did find Angel some really cute boot's, the cashier said grandpa did a good job, they are pink leather and faux fur lined. Found out grandpa can't afford real Lego's but found a non brand name type at half the price and more toys in the bag. I still haven't found an inexpensive play kitchen for her, prior to Christmas I saw some kitchen sets with play stove, cupboards and cooking stuff for around $25.00 but couldn't find one at any of the stores I checked out, everything was $65 and up, granted they were nicer with more gadgets and electronics but that is out of my price range. I will check the online catalogs for my local department stores and see if I can order what I am looking for online, if not then I will have to find her something else. Angel really won't care what grandpa gets her, she will be happy with any toys she gets but grandpa just wants to buy her something special for Christmas. I will buy my daughter something small for Christmas, probably a bath and body basket plus make some goodies for them but I have told her that her bigger present will have to wait until after the first of the year when I have a bigger pay check, she needs a kitchen table and other home stuff so I will take her shopping for them. Truth of matter is both of them will be happy just to have me with them for a few hours and the feeling is mutual.

My daughter has been very understanding about the decrease in my income. She hasn't called asking for an extra $20 and is learning to live within her own means. Prior to moving here, I was always giving her a bit of money for gas and diapers. It wasn't intentional enabling on either party, I think it was just an easy thing for both of us to be a part of, it was easy for me to give her some money and easy for her to ask for it. My daughter doesn't question my decision to move here, the cut in pay or hours worked. She misses me just I miss her and Angel but she knows more than anyone else about the years I spent working at a job that was not mentally and spiritually satisfying. She is proud of what I am doing now, that I am living up to my potential. She also understands the years I spent not being happy and feels her old man deserves to be happy, deserves to be finally living his life for himself and not others.

Another side of the sickness that is selfishness is giving so much to others that we make ourselves miserable. Not a "poor me" miserable but yet I wasn't being true to myself or my God because I was always putting others needs ahead of my own. The middle path requires finding that balance between serving others and still serving our own spiritual and emotional needs. I don't think there was a huge conscience decision made when it came to helping others, it was programmed from years of gaining self actualization and gratification with the act of putting others ahead of me. When I do this in a selfish way then I neglect the self that needs caring for. Slowly I am learning that to be a of complete service to all I need to take care of me, if I get spiritually or emotionally sick because I am spending too much time taking care of others then paradoxically my unselfish acts are in fact selfish because I am not giving in earnest but out of a desire to help you in order to make me feel good about myself. What it boils down to is, checking my motives, being aware and vigilant about my actions. Has God removed the "bondage of self" today or is Scott being unselfish because Scott feels unworthy or unloved? This is a hard question to ask and answer. The one thing I do know is that if I find myself suffering I can look at the question and determine if that is the trouble or is another aspect of selfishness causing the suffering.

So this brings up a small dilemma I am going through that I wasn't going to write about but since this blog is about me being honest with me and writing tends to clarify things better, not to mention that some of you have a loving interest in my life just as I have in yours, I will go ahead and peck it out. I have become aware that one of my clients and I have developed a strong bond, one that has is become more than professional. I am not sexually attracted to her, physically and emotionally yes but no yearnings for sexual interactions. She entered treatment over a month ago, very broken and with more stuff to deal with than most clients. She is 44 years old, her life has been ruled by various forms of trauma, addiction and the consequences of a life lived in addiction/alcoholism. I have watched her transform from a caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly. She connected with me shortly after coming to treatment, the fact is I was one of the few tech's that who could help her on a deeper level because of my experiences and also my knowledge. Along with a couple of counselors, we have been able to help this woman, we have helped her look her past in the face, deal with it and accept it. She is finally starting to stand up for herself, she told me the other day, she is finally standing on equal ground with her mother and not allowing her mother to manipulate her, that if she doesn't feel spiritually strong enough to talk to her mother she doesn't. This woman has shown great willingness when it comes to learning to live in recovery, where once she was all over the place she is now learning to focus on just one thing at a time. She has reached out to a couple of strong women in AA for support. She has a 16 month old son and it is a joy to watch how she is learning to have a healthy relationship with him, how she has learned to say no to him, instead of giving in out of shame. Every time I work we have long conversations about recovery and spiritualism, about how to live life in the moment and about being aware of our strengths and weakness and what to do with them. In a couple of weeks she will be leaving to live in a local treatment home for unwed mothers, a place where she can continue her recovery and learn parenting skills in a controlled environment. What has been going through my head is that I would really like to continue to see her after she leaves our treatment center and not just at meetings like I do other past clients. I would like to have her come around my house for a meal or just spent a bit of time talking, with her son along of course, he is the same age as Angel and just as sweet. I know this is wrong on so many levels, one I do not 13th step and I do not want to either, two I am doing this because she is someone I can take care of. She has to grow at her own pace but I really want to take her under my wing. Wow having just said that I see something, she is so fragile I am afraid she won't make it, I am in part playing God and in part attracted to her need for someone to guide her with a strong shoulder to lean on, ouch. Damn I really don't like this feeling. I want to continue to be her friend and support her once she leaves our care but I will have to stay on guard for my own weaknesses and motives. I have been really good so far in pointing her towards women in recovery to talk to and brooding her support system. I see my fear being losing her and our connection once she is gone. The only thing I know how to do is make sure I stay as spiritually fit as I can which means, to be aware of the attraction and know it is unhealthy for her, that if things get heavy to be one to back off, to use compassion and loving kindness in doing so. It may be possible to have a friendship, to spend time with her and her son but it will have to be done with boundaries in place and I have to set the boundaries for myself. I do not want to harm this woman in anyway, nor do I want to harm anyone who is traveling the path of recovery. This is a new one for me campers, we have had a lot of pretty women in treatment and up until this point I have not been attracted to any of them and a few have come from where this woman has and I have worked with them also but for some reason she is different. Maybe my life working at the treatment center has been going along too smoothly and God is giving me an opportunity for growth, a new challenge, putting my spirituality in check.

So we started out with a weather report and ended up with a spiritual and emotional report. I am going to visit my mom, daughter and granddaughter for a short few days starting Wednesday late afternoon, I have to work until 3pm Wed and will take off after work then come back Friday morning because I have to work at 1pm, this will be the only chance I get to go there prior to Christmas to visit them and I also need to get the family and individual pictures we had taken from my mom so I can give them out for Christmas, plus I need a bit of sweet Angel time, going to take her to see the pretty sights of Christmas, also my daughters oil change is way past due, isn't changing oil a parental responsibility until they get completely on their feet;-)

Gratitude;

That I have a warm house, a good vehicle to drive, a wonderful daughter and granddaughter, glad my mom is still alive and healthy, that I have a few dollars for buying presents, that I have a great job that allows me to grow spiritually each day, that I am not still drunk and stuck in spiritual and emotional Hell, glad this blog is here to write out my thoughts on, glad I have a sponsor to go to with my thoughts, glad I have meetings to attend which assist my God in keeping me balanced, glad for all you wonderful campers who share your experience, strength, hope and love with me.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

7 comments:

Tall Kay said...

Rule #1 - Buying for grandchildren is never obsessive, no matter how often you do it.

I always love your humble honesty. The snow looks so beautiful. We finally got rain today and lots of it. The roads are a mess! It is wonderful that you love what you are doing. Oh...and one more thing.

Rule #2 - Never get involved with someone in their 1st year of sobriety...whether physical or emotional.

I learned the hard way and have a restraining order to remind me everyday. God bless you Scott and enjoy the snowy weather!

DM said...

You have the longest paragraphs, ever. LOL.

Hugs from MICHIGAN :)

wolfie185 said...

I understand Rule #2 and that is why I am a bit upset at myself and need to work on this situation, writing about it is a way to help me understand how wrong it is.

I know I have the longest paragraph's ever, this is what happens when you don't go to college. I is also why you love me for being the unique person I am;-D

Shadow said...

its the kindness in your nature that makes you want to take the frail under your wing. you've recognised it, now you have to do the icky thing, practise letting go...

sitting here in sweltering heat, i am so so envious of your snow. everything looks so clean and fresh, it's delightful!

peet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
speck of dust said...

Wow, this is a hard one! Just when you're getting used to battling the cold snow you're now being challenged by the warmth of your heart! My goodness if only everyone in the world was as considerate about other people's needs before their own. And I mean in a really, really good way. I think it is lovely that you are aware of how your affection could be caused by needing to protect and guide but don't pass up this wonderful gift of love that you are feeling, that you could share. I see you think deeply about everything (I do too) and sometimes I just need to be a bit less in my head and a bit more in my heart you know. And you know that every comment or thought about someone else is really about yourself. So, you don't want to hurt her means you really don't want to get hurt. That is so understandable especially because the spiritual challenge of a broken heart would be HUGE. Lot of love to you. It was warm here today. Quite strange but it was welcome.

Unknown said...

I really can't offer anything that hasn't been stated already, I know for myself and the small town I live in that it's difficult to be involved with folks in the program on that level...


I don't get the sense at all that you're somehow being all predatory toward her, but I do agree with Shadow that you'll have to let her go and find her own foundation...then if after a year she's still there and still working her program that may change...

I think that giving her the space and seeing her at meetings will be good for her...but you know that's just me and no one really listens to me anyway :-)

Hugs
gabi