A Post for Sarah

Someone in Michigan brought it to my attention I haven't written in 5 days and they were checking up on me, it is nice to know even though you all may not comment, you check on me!! So to my dear friend in Michigan, things are going well, please read on.

The campout was alright but rainy. Friday night we received rain around midnight, N slept with her 9 year old and they had a small leak, her 14 year old and his friend slept in the big tent with me and we were fine, her 12 year old slept in another tent and was dry, the other 14 year her daughter pulled a bad one and went and slept on the floor of the cabin with our other friends, N was mad about this and I explained to daughter why mom was made, that we were camping as a family and mom wanted us to be together at the campsite, that we hadn't paid for her to sleep in the cabin and that it made mom look bad in the sense that mom felt the others might think she was taking advantage of them, of course they didn't but we all know that we feel this way when our kids do stuff like this. Saturday we just hung out, pretty much relaxing then most of us took a road trip, N stayed at the cabin to rest and the kids went swimming. All of us went into South Dakota, let me tell you something about South Dakota sign postings, you better buy a map if you go, the Nebraska map covers SD but not enough, we never got that far way from the border but signs telling us the names of towns south into NE were not to be found, finally after a few errors and one stop for directions we made it back. The late afternoon yielded more rain as did the evening, the firewood got soaked, next time no matter how sunny we have to cover the firewood in case of down pours. N's tent got more rain, her pillows and blanket were soaked, so N and her 2 kids and I slept in my station wagon, folded the back seat down so the kids could lay out, used my extra blankets and pillow, oh yeah it was pouring and windy come bedtime and also fairly chilly, N slept on the passenger side and I on the drivers side, managed to sleep but not the greatest. Of course Sunday was a nice day but we had to leave by noon for the 4-1/2 drive home. This is the chance you take when you camp, if N and I are together next spring we are going to buy a pop-up camper, we all had a good time, we were in nature, I did do some walking mediation, a couple of times to just clear my mind because there were a couple of people with us who irritate me, I love them and didn't want to let their personalities interfere with my serenity so I put the solution into action walked off and mediated. It was also a weekend where I bonded more with the 9 and 12 year olds, the 12 year old doesn't live with N but we see her every few weeks. I am becoming a positive male role model in the 9 year olds life, he respects and loves me even when I correct him, just the same way he does his mother, N is alright with what I do and backs me up, I correct him in a strong loving way, explaining to him the best I can why his mom and I don't like what he is doing or won't let him have his way.

More about N then will move on. When we got back I stayed around N's house until 8:30pm, it wasn't my intention but just happened because after unpacking N took a shower without telling me, she assumed I would just be staying around for awhile, which is cool in one way because she expects me to just be there but in another she needs to communicate with me in case I have other plans, something I will talk to her about Friday. By N taking a shower it opened the door for the 14 year old daughter (K) to have a heart to heart with me, like her brother she is bonding with me and sees me as someone she can trust. We talked about her problems with her mom and what she feels is wrong at home. Communication seems to be the biggest problem, they both need to learn to communicate better, both of them seem shocked when I told each of them in private that they were a lot alike, both need to know the complete details, neither likes shades of gray, N needs to explain her expectations better or if the chore doesn't get done to her expectations explain the expectation at that time so K understands for the next time then if K still doesn't do it right then K has a consequence for her action, both N and K were fine with this. N needs to let the kids know when things seem overwhelming to her, instead of snaping at them because she is frustrated. Another area they have in common is both of them have a lot of fear, fear of being hurt, fear of letting others in, fear of feeling the feelings, stuffing and hiding their emotions instead of taking an honest look at them and sharing them with another. My feedback comes from my experiences, I was drinking when Mich was in her early teens, I understand my mistakes and don't want N to repeat them, I explained this to K as well. I am honored that N and K both trust me enough to let me inside them as much as they do, N respects my feedback and so does K. I am honored that N has let me be a part of her kids lives, I am not trying to be a father to her kids even though with the exception of the daughter who doesn't live with N the kids father is pretty much absent, other than to stir stuff up on occasion but he lives 1000 miles away thankfully so this doesn't happen very often, I am their mom's best friend, her companion, I am someone who mom trust and respects so in turn the kids via spending a lot of time with me have gained the same trust and respect, mom and I both live by the spiritual principles of recovery and it shows, we both watch our profanity, we leave sexual comments out of our vocabulary, we both agree on what is proper and what is improper for the kids to watch and listen to, N is really starting to take a strong stance against violence, whether it be toys or movies, we openly talk about God, we involve the kids on our recovery. The one thing that is missing is between N and me and that is we aren't as open about this relationship as we should be, I feel both of us fear hurting the other or losing the other. Speaking for myself, I am just riding this out for now. I am trying my best to walk in her moccasin's, she has 4 kids to think about, she has been hurt way too many times in the past, we live 140 miles away from each other, she has enough going on in her life without commiting to a relationship, on the other side is she knows she can trust me, she respects me, she knows I love her and the kids, we are very much a part of each others lives down to her having a friendship with and looking in on my mom on occasion and being a part of Mich and Angel's lives, what we have with each other is safe for her in it's present state, she accepts my affection and returns it the best she can, when we are together she can be herself, she knows she can fall asleep in the car and I don't care, in fact it is a joke with us, she let another guy driver her car part of the way back just so she could ride with me in comfort and get a nap. We have plans to spend time together over the next few weeks so nothing has changed as of right now. I do get frustrated because I want a bit of intimacy but I have to let go and let God, thanks again Steve E, God is stearing this relationship and I want to see it through to the very end. If the end amounts to not, which I hope it doesn't but that is a real possiblity, then I have learn a great deal about being in a relationship. I want the intimacy to come naturally from her and not have her do something because she feels she owes it to me, I want the deep love to be mutual and lasting if it is to be, I want what is best for N and her kids and not what is best for just Scott, all this takes time and I need to remember this, I need to remember that the relationships I rushed into ended in ruin, how many times have I said I want to really get to know someone before I rush into to something, boy are those words really sinking in now because at the times I have said them I meant them but hadn't experienced the true meaning of them and now I am and it isn't as easy to live them as say them. I thank my blogger friends who are going through the break ups of relationships, I feel for you, love you all and hope the best for you but also you are teaching me something, you are teaching what might have been if N wasn't so careful, your blogs could easily be mine or N's in the future if we were to rush into this, you have helped me understand her a great deal and respect her decisions, I am such a babe to relationships that I don't understand the full implications but you have shown me how my own selfish desires could damage another although unintentional because the last thing I want to do is hurt N or the kids, you have given me the strength to look at things from her perspective since she has been hurt too many times in the past and wants to make sure our relationship is right before she takes it to the next level. I have been granted acceptance when I choice to sit long enough to see it, when I sit and see the suffering for the desire it really is and know the desire is cutting off my serenity and the sunlight of the Spirit. Wow I really didn't plan to write all this about what is going on but I must have needed to. I have talked to my sponsor and others about this and it all comes back to trust God and things will work out the way they are suppose to, learn from this whether it turns out the way you want it to or not.

Now about the job. I am blessed with my job!!! Still not getting a full 40 hours but will be in a few weeks, the next 2 weeks I am working 4 days, up till now I have only worked 3 days but that is understandable because they need to make sure I am right for the job before they allow me to have that much impact on the treatment of the clients. I have received positive feedback from my supervisor and my peers, I interact with the clients really well and give my imput in the training sessions. There are only a small few of the Tech's who are in recovery. The other night I was talking to a Tech who isn't in recovery and he told me that the recovery Tech's can relate to the clients better on a lot of things and help the clients see things what the non recovery Tech's can't, he encouraged me to continue to give the clients the feedback and assistance that I have been doing. It was nice Monday to work with a Tech who is in recovery and see how she gives feedback, she did it in a way that the clients knew what she was talking about without bring too much of her own story into it. Did tell a few clients a bit of my story because it was pertinant to what they were discussing, I did this to help them understand the bigger picture of how this disease effects our lives. I have also talked to a few clients about meetings and suggested some meetings to them if they can get a ride. I am giving one woman the phone number of a friend of mine tonight who said she would take her to a Friday night meeting that is really good. A few clients have warmed up to me, I understand lack of trust so if someone is just cordial to me I respect that. I remember when I was in treatment there were certain Tech's I trusted more than other. My shifts are mainly the 3:00pm to 11:00pm shift which I really love, this gives me plenty of time to prepare for the day and do things that need to be done. I have never been a morning person even though I have had to be at work by 8:00am for the last 15 years I still hate getting up and usually rush around and take a couple of minutes for prayer, now I don't have to do this.

Well I hope this has fulfilled the needs of anyone wonder what has been going on with me and what is going on inside my head. Oh yeah still going to meetings, opened myself up to service work at the intergroup level last night. Building my relationship with people in recovery here in Lincoln. Stopped at the central office yesterday to get a Alateen book for K, no Alateen in Kearney nor recovery book store, she really likes AA meetings but N and I feel she needs to try and identify with Alateen if possible, so I bought her some reading material, if she likes it cool if not then it was still worth the try. I continue to live in the solution, to live the 12 steps, not to do this would mean ruin for me and those around me, one can of beer effects more than just Scott.

Peace Love and Light
Scott