Quick Run Down

Just a run down of what I have been doing since my last post. Most of the time I write at work during the dead of the afternoon, since Tuesday I have been training my replacement and also my departure has cause the company to do some reevaluation with the software, this a mile long post in and of its self. Basically I have been able to operate with a crippled system because of the knowledge in my head but now that I am leaving they decided it is time to invest the money to heal the software so to create less work and hassles for my replacement. Also my boss who I have worked with for 10 years has decided to take early retirement, so working on the software will assist his replacement also. As much as I have complained about my boss and his vulgarity, profanity and negativity we really are a Yin and Yang and my leaving effected him deeper than I would ever have dream it would.

It has been pretty a week of spending evenings with N and her kids. Monday was Indian food and a movie. Tuesday N was suppose to get her daughter that doesn't live with her, see lives an hour away, but her 14 year old son who got in big trouble last week decided to take off, so I was over at her house supporting her while she waited for the police, before they got there she found out where he was and met the cop up there, I stayed with the other 2 while N was dealing with difficult son, her trip was canceled because it got to be a very late night. Wednesday I said a formal goodbye to my home group because I am not sure what the next Wednesday's will bring, also on Wednesday I started going over to N's first thing in the morning, since the 14 year now has to spend his day with a recovery friend, he has a babysitter, because he can't be trusted to be on his own, normally all she has to do is get herself and the 9 year old ready, but my coming over has helped get everybody, N included up and ready in a timely manner, I have done this for the last few days and will do it a few times next week as well plus have the 14 year old spend time with me in the afternoons or help move stuff to Lincoln. Thursday night I had N's two daughters and the 9 year old at my house while N and the 14 went to her Thursday meeting, we watched movies and burned classic music. Tonight I took a carload to a meeting up north, good road trip and good meeting and no N wasn't part of the crew, I called her to see how she was doing when I got back to town but left it at that, she was fried.

I know I have been talking about N a lot. Thing is this is new and wonderful for me. It is also damn HARD! We give each other tight hugs with gentle back touching when we see each other and also on breaks at work, she lays her head on my shoulder for brief moments also but nothing else, no kissing or holding hands. I know she wants to spend time with me because we make plans to do things together, tomorrow is a picnic and swimming at the park,then to a bonfire hosted by one of her friends, someone I am not close to and Sunday is miniature golfing, family things. I have really had to ask the Higher Power for strength to stay on this slow and gentle pace, today I really wanted to talk to her about our relationship and where it is going or can go but no it wasn't the time. She has so much on her plate right now with the kids and my moving away she really doesn't need to think about our relationship too much, it would be selfish of me to put more on her plate just so I can satisfy my own emotional needs. This I know and had to accept, she is spending a lot of time with me, when I said she would be seeing my bright smiling face in the morning for a bit more she smiled at me and said good. So I don't have a label to put on this relationship like "dating", "girl friend" or "in a commited relationship with" but in an unspoken way this is all happening it just makes it easier for her this way, she isn't spending her time with other guys, I am there for her and not pushing. This is a good lesson for both of us in taking things slow, not getting co-dependent, not jumping into bed or putting any conditions on things, I have told her over and over there are no strings attached and I mean it. For the first time in my life I think I am really in love with a woman and it is painful. The pain is in being patient for her sake, giving unconditionally, knowing that each day is a step forward in trusting me and me in turn trusting her, that in the end it may all be just a strong and beautiful friendship. I talked to a dear friend of mine in the program tonight about the whole situation, she told be just continue to be gentle and patient, trust God and if it is meant to be it will be, also that when the time is right in the next few weeks the opurtunity will come when we can both sit down and talk about our feelings. I know all this in my head but needed to be reasured from someone who has walked down the path before me.
I want to thank you all for being patient in my writing my feelings out, it helps me out, besides Sarah needs a break from the stuff going in her life, so she can smile at the craziness I am going through.

Peace Love and Light
Scott