My ego needs your thoughts

Hey all, I have been kicking this idea for a manuscript for the AA Grapevine around in my head for some time. This weekend I finally sat down and composed it. Part of me feels it is egotistical to want something I wrote published, the other part says if I really believe in myself and my words then why not share them with a bigger audience. The bigger audience part won out. I like what I wrote and do believe in and practice to the best of my ability what I wrote. I have had 2 articles published in the Grapevine in the past, neither time did I brag about it, I told my sponsor and let my mother read them but other than that the only way anyone know was via word of mouth. So my humble approach to the possiblity of this being published is the same. The ego side is posting here for your feedback, I respect your thoughts on what I write which gives me the self confidence take a chance on others enjoying what little gift I have. My words are not originally, they are thoughts derived from others influences, some of which you all have contributed. Thanks for any feedback, good or bad you may have.

Becoming Babies again

Many of us have had the joy of new babies in our lives once we received the gift of sobriety, whether they are our own, our grandchildren or the children of others close to us. For me it is grandchildren, I was sober when my daughter was born but relapsed 5 years later, for the next 10 years she was raised with an alcoholic father. My grandchildren have brought a new perspective to my life, a perspective brought on by spiritual awareness.

On the day my granddaughter was born, my first grandchild, the Daily Reflection quoted this passage from the Big Book. “Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there.” Sitting outside reading this passage early in the quiet Midwestern morning while my daughter was giving birth was one of many spiritual experiences I have had. I had recently set on the path of Buddhism, so what Bill wrote coincided with what the Buddha taught.

Eighteen months later, I received a phone call in the middle of the afternoon to tell me my daughter was going into labor 17 weeks premature. As I drove the 2 hours to the hospital I calmed myself by know what ever was happening would happen, I had no control over the events unfolding. I reached to the God inside seeking the strength and love which resides there. My grandson was born 1 pound 10 ounces, he was air flown to a children’s hospital in Omaha. My daughter was alright other than being scared, I comforted her best I could, reassuring her doctors would do all they could to make sure the baby survived.

He did survive and is now a healthy 1 year old. He has minor troubles due to being born so prematurely, mainly he is susceptible to respirator infections. He is very attentive, active; he coos and tries to talk, being in a house of talkative people he needs to get his voice heard also. He is our miracle baby. Even though I haven’t been able to spend as much time with him as I did his sister, he is another apple in my eye.

When I think about my grandbabies, I think about how innocent they are and how healthy their minds are. As infants they are truly what I believe, God like, not that I or anyone else really knows the mind of God. They have no prejudices, no preconceived notions, and no labels for things. When they are hungry they cry, they cry when in pain sometimes, yet how often have adults missed an infection because a baby didn’t act like it was sick. Adults on the other hand are prone to whine about every ache and pain, small or large. They do sense tension in adults, acting out in a way signaling there is a spiritual imbalance in the home. They have a primary need to be loved, held and comforted but can live without it and unfortunately too many babies do. They know how to live in the moment. They have no concerns over the past or the future, when they play they are truly in the moment. From the time they wake to the time they go to sleep it is all about being in the moment, how wonderful is this!

It is adults who introduce them to notions and ideas. We say something is blue, they learn about blue but before the introduction it wasn’t anything other than a sight in their eyes. We tell them certain things are right and certain things are wrong. Part of right and wrong is for their own safety and part is to control the selfishness which is developing in their brains, the desire to have what they want, when they want it. Our likes and dislikes become theirs. Our prejudices and ignorance’s become theirs as well. I developed emotionally with many of the same prejudices my parents had and until my brain was developed enough to make my own decisions I held on to them and some are still there, to which I am not happy about but work on to the best of my daily spiritual fitness.

Babies have no material attachments; yes they have emotional attachments to their caregivers and maybe the material attachment to a favorite toy or blankie but not much beyond this. When 2 or 3 years enter a day care center, they don’t care if their clothes came from a thrift store, discount store, or fashion boutique. They have no concept of status quo, social norms or status. Adults on the other hand are attached to all kinds of things, lost of attachment can lead to suffering. A suffering most of us aren’t willing to endure, myself included unless we have no choice.

My wonderfully thick hair is thinning, something I never thought would happen. I don’t dwell on this but I do notice the extra hair on the shower drain, I also have to make sure my head is covered when I spend a long time out in the sun; sun burned my head for the first time last summer, a spiritual experience and wake up call of the painful variety. I am not one to be materialist about neither the vehicle I drive nor how fancy the outside of my home is. But I am proud of my trinkets from my travels around the world, I am arrogantly proud of my large music collection, is a bit eclectic by Midwestern terms and so is my library. I have an attachment to a small silver loop earring I wear and the symbolism of it. I am attached to my job and the position I have even though it is low paying by most people’s standards. My job is spiritually fulfilling, one in which I service others but even an attachment to a selfless job is still attachment. If all these things disappeared tomorrow would I be able to be childlike with my acceptance of having no attachments, no means of defining who I am?

If I strive to relinquish my preconceived notions, my prejudices and my attachment, then I am working towards being more childlike. For me this means finding the inter God and working towards total open mindedness of a God being. I work on what Bill calls the “root of our troubles” selfishness---self-centeredness. I find my inter peace/serenity when I stop criticizing others for being who they are, or for life in general for being what it is contrary to how I want it to be. I accept my attachments don’t make me who I am and others see me for more than my attachments. My attachments are just a small gift, they are not a need but a want. My Higher Power did not make my attachments, my ego driven self did. When I get compliance on this practice all I have to do is watch my grandbabies or think about them, they remind me in the simplest of ways, how crazy I can make my life.

The Steps are the tools for my awareness of how complicated I can make my life, how I create my own prison of suffering. Step 3 was a decision to follow a different path, one leading away from the “bondage of self”. Steps 4 and 5 showed me where I had been ignorant of my actions and thoughts, how I can be damaging to others and true God centered self. Steps 6 and 7 give me a guide for awareness of non-compassionate views; taken to heart they put me on the road of being a better being among beings. Steps 8 and 9 are the levelers of pride and ego which allow me to reconstruct damaged relationships when possible. Step 10 keeps me in check with my actions, my ego, my selfishness as it manifest itself during the day, I do my best to have mindful presences of step 10 throughout my day. Step 11 is where I gain the insight to work the other steps, to focus being more God conscience and less me conscience. Step 11 is where I acknowledge the need to be like the pure nature of the infant and toddler, putting away my past experiences to live in the moment without fear, hatred or unrealistic needs. Step 12 is giving back what gifts the God of my understanding has given me to others, to acknowledge I didn’t accomplish anything on my own, it was only through the gift of a spiritual awakening aided by God using others for an instrument of instruction it was made possible.

My grandbabies have taught me more about life than I will ever teach them. The words and actions I may bestow on them in the future really come from them. They have shown me the true nature of God and the Buddha’s teachings. What an honorable blessing this!!