Standing in the Hallway

Well a door was closed today, so I am standing in the hallway once again waiting for another door to open. The door which was closed was the job I loved so much. I was terminated at noon today. The reason for my terminate was, my boss read my last post on this blog and a couple of previous post.

I have always consider my blog to be a safe place to talk about what is going on in my life. I share openly with you because you share openly with me. I maybe naive but believe those I follow and those who follow me are genuine and honest. We would not use this medium to hurt others. I have been very careful in the anonymity of those I write about. Yes it is and will continue to be a way to process my thoughts, right or wrong. My boss viewed my writing as dangerous to the organization for which I worked. She felt if the wrong person/persons or group read the blog and really wanted to find out who I am and who I work for they could. She is correct if someone really wanted to dig I am not that anonymous, my picture is here, I mention my daughter by her nickname and my grand babies by name. The town in where I live is also noted and the description about me is broad enough that in a rural America people could fathom out who I am. If someone wanted to do this type of investigation they would then know who I work for and who some of the people I anonymously talk about are.

My response to this is, I plead total ignorance to thinking someone would do this, I plead a sense of naivety towards anyone wanting to do this. I am not dumb about the Internet, I know people use it all the time to harm others. I keep my Facebook comments very general and never air dirty laundry on it. Never in my wildest imagination did I nor do I think some one would use this blog by a simple old ex-drunk to damage others or myself.

What I write about is me, my feelings, my insights about what is going on in my life. My life touches others, as do yours. I feel my thoughts on others and my criticisms are done our of concern. I end such comments usually on a positive note, a bit of hope and compassion. I look at what my part in every situation is and where I have possibly been in error. I offer my thoughts to others because others may be going through similar challenges in life, maybe my thoughts can help them, maybe their feedback can help me. Our Higher Power gives us many tools to work though life on life on life's terms, to me this blog is just another tool. I enjoy writing, I enjoy the feedback others give, it keeps me in check with ego, my emotions. I could write in a paper journal instead on an electronic one but I enjoy the camaraderie we have here, the other voices from other rooms. I have my suspicions as to what the underlying reason for my termination was; I broke a trust.

Most of us here have accepted being transparent. If we go to meetings or group therapy we are comfortable with others knowing what is going on in our lives, or we have a few trusted individuals who know. I forget the rest of the world doesn't operate this way. I take for granted my thoughts on what is going on in other peoples lives, is extremely personal to them. Just because I trust my readers doesn't mean the parties I am talking about trust you. Again I am taking anonymity too far.

I deeply regret any damage I have done. The hurt I feel is very deep. Part of the hurt is in loosing the best job I every had due to my own actions, my own inability to think about the reality of what I post in this blog. This is a wound which will probably take a while to heal. I hurt because my words effected another so deeply, some one I consider a friend and mentor. I will get over this door in my life being closed.

Tomorrow I will start looking for another job. I will go to the local college and see about classes and funding. I love working with people, so maybe now is the time to get a degree which will assist me in continuing to work with others. My not having a degree has held me back from getting jobs in social services. My personal experiences in life don't mean much on the job market, this was one of the few jobs where people were hired for their life experiences over college degrees. This line of work is where my heart is. I may have to do other things to get where I want to go but in the end I will get there. This is a Karmic wake up call.

I don't have to drink over this pain. I am not white knuckling it either. I am doing the best to open my mind and heart to my Higher Power. I am trying my best to just breath. Each day is a new beginning. My brain has finally become dead, so I am call this a wrap.

Thanks for your love and support a head of time.

Peace Love and Light
Scott