Zero degrees outdoors, 100 degrees in my heart

We have received our first blast of winter. The bitter wind rolled in yesterday, we have received only a bit of snow though maybe 3". Generally it seems we get our worst winter weather after the first of the year, Jan, Feb and March tend to be nasty. We have been lucky and anytime I have heard someone complain I remind them how worse it has been in West Virginia, Minnesota and Michigan. As bloggers we live beyond our own front doors. This afternoon I will venture out, put gas in the vehicle for weight as much as need, visit with mom and shovel her walks, get movies and a tad bit of groceries and head home. I have a ham bone, ham pieces left over, they are going in the crock pot with beans, so a nice pot of ham and beans is my New Years Eve supper.

Christmas was nice and small. Mom expected my cousins to show up but they all had things going on with their families, so it was just a couple of aunts, an uncle, my sister and her husband. Mich, Matt and the babies showed up in the afternoon. Later they came over here and we watched a movie. I kept Angel over night and we had a great time together. I really miss her smiling face, active mind and good nature. She played with some of Grandpa's decorations, ones she couldn't break easily, I have some miniature trinkets from around the world and she was having fun with them, I also have a few cool rocks sitting around which she loves to play with. Her main food consisted of baby dill pickles and black olives, using a tooth pick for a fork, figured it wouldn't hurt her to much for 1 day. I was really sad when I got home from dropping her off. Her presents was strong in the house and I miss having her presents consistently around the house. Anyone who has a loved one not close at hand knows what I mean. Not something to dwell in just a part of our lives we aren't able to connect with as often as we would like. It makes me get out of self and focus on being in the present for her, same goes for being with Mich and Carter.

So 365 days have come and gone, 2010 leaves and 2011 begins. 2010 has been a year of highs and a few lows for me, as you all well know. I don't know or care to know what 2011 has in store. I have few things on the horizon, taking my mom to Idaho to see my favorite aunt in April and of course doing some camping, going to Soberfloat but all this could change in the blink of an eye. 2010 was a teaching year, it taught me big time about impermanence. About accepting the things I can't change and doing the footwork to change the things I can. I learned to walk hand in hand with suffering, to find peace and serenity in crappy situations. I grasped non-self a bit more clearly and embraced selflessness a bit more strongly. The law of Karma worked in my life without me work towards it or against it. I have been "busy being born" because I have kept my mouth shut enough to hear the awareness and use it for good, sometime this has come after using it wrongly and correcting my actions and thoughts. There is plenty of room for more growth, this is the beauty of being fully alive in the world.

I am 1 misdirected thought away from destroying everything I just talked about. One misdirected thought and I am standing in front of a cashier with a six pack of tall boy Bud Light. One misdirected thought and I am lashing out in anger and someone who doesn't deserve to be emotionally abused. One misdirected thought and I set the stage for being an enemy to others. One misdirected thought and my mother no longer has a reliable person to assist her. The list can go on and on. Recovery is about being spiritually and emotionally aware of the destructive nature within my thoughts. My old nature is alive and well within me, just as my alcoholism is. I do my best to keep the daily reprieve in my life, to know the only thing between me and the first drink is a power greater than I. I may back slide into being a selfish prick on occasion but so far not far enough back to pick up again.