Misty Morning Be Bop

Hey all, there is a beautiful fog outside my window this morning. A blanket which echoes the quietness of a new day.

Thanks to all who commented on my last post and your love and support. I stopped by the office to get a few things I had left behind, did this after all the staff was gone except for the ED. It was explained further to me the damage which may occur do to my writings. It was explained how Google cache's stuff in their memory bank, how anyone might be able to find stuff on the org by typing in the org name. It was pointed out I had mention the org a couple of times in some older post, I forgot I had done this. At the time I posted the org name it was done out of pride for the org and a way for the few who read my blog to check it out.

This morning out of curiosity and a need to possibly justify my actions or at least clear my conscience of wrong doing, I type in the org name and my name a couple of different ways into the Google search engine. After 10 pages there was no mention of my blog connected to the org. After 4 pages there was nothing about me, not even the newspaper police blotter from my arrest. Now I am not saying someone who is really intent on finding out stuff about the org couldn't do a really deep search and come up with my blog but this person would have to do it with the zeal of someone trying to bring down a political figure. As much as I try to be a humble person and accept responsibility for my actions, I am still a human being with an ego and pride. I needed to investigate the accusations against to find out the seriousness of there nature.

My guess is; it has less to do with people finding out who I worked for and any possible damages which might ensue from my writing but sharing my feelings and reflections on matters concerning staff. I admitted the attraction toward to someone I supervised. I talked about the relationship troubles of staff including my supervisor. These topics were caught but what was missed was my feelings about the topics, about my concerns for them and my hope they would find answers to their dilemmas. What was missed was my own admission to seeing a very difficult boundary issue, with the subordinate and how I was working through it in a healthy manner. I acknowledge my shortcoming and was doing the footwork needed. I see how a manager reading my writings could have "red flags", how a fear of lawsuit could make the manager act pro-actively to head off any chance of a lawsuit. This is my guess as to the true nature of my wrong doing, that and my opinions opening up doors someone didn't want to look in. I didn't bash anyone with my words and I will not change my style of writing much because of this incident.

I write because it is in outlet for the weekly goings on in my life. You who read my blog are cyber pen pals. You share about your lives and I share about mine. We encourage each other and sometimes give tough love when needed. We enjoy the journey of life together, through our joys and sorrows, though our struggles. My struggles include the struggles of others as well. Gabi writes a lot about loving, loving ourselves and loving others. With a loving heart comes a genuine concern for the people in our lives. The frustration of being powerless to help someone out when they are hurting, we can listen and at best offer them our experience, strength and hope but in the end like we all know, their river is theirs to cross.

I am doing alright. Tuesday night sucked for sleep, the tape kept rewinding in my head, I lived off of cigarettes and coffee all day, which probably didn't help the sleep much. I had periods of calm, thankfully but it was a day of grief, to allow myself to face the suffering. Tuesday was a day of reflection as well. Wednesday was much better and I was able to accept the events for what they were. I posted my resume on the Nebraska job service website, the people who work there are really great because a lady helped me clean it up so it looked better, she also printed off a few copies for me on nice resume paper. The local Chrysler dealership was looking for an insurance and finance manager, I took my resume to them. The job was filled but he said he was looking for good sales people after some discussion I thought what the hell, I am waiting for a personality test to be emailed to me, the test will determine if I get an interview. Never thought too much about selling cars but my new thoughts are based on my visit with the sales manager; people come in because they like the product, your job is to be friendly and answer questions. This is a dealership which sells primarily new cars, so you are not trying to push a lemon off on someone. I like Chrysler/Dodge/Jeep vehicles, my dad was a Dodge man for many years. It is worth a try, it got me thinking in a different direction anyway, the Ford dealership is looking for salesmen also. I also applied for a job at the large WalMart distribution center, not sure about this, they are needing supervisors. The place is huge, it reminds me of large manufacturing. The fear isn't some much in not being able to do the job but more about it being so big and impersonal. All my life I have worked in fairly small if not small companies, to not have a rapport with upper management is alien to me. Having said this, right now a job is a job, if it looks like something I would pretty much be able to put my energies into for the long haul. College is still on the plate but I am too late for this semester.

Job hunting is a catch 22 right now. I am eager to get back to work but I can't get a job for the sake of a job. I need to bide my time for a bit. I don't want to start something only to quit because something comes along which I am better qualified for with better long term possibilities. I am not broke yet and should be received unemployment pay, will know for sure hopefully by the end of next week. The hardest thing for me to do is, do nothing and wait. Unemployment only requires I apply for 2 jobs a week. So I watch movies, mess around on line some, read, keep the house clean and play with the dog who is digging me being home this much. If the kids were closer I would watch them but I am afraid if I bring them down here for a couple of days and then get called in for an interview, I have no one to watch them for me. I am also hitting meetings, getting to know more people in the local AA community.

I applied for and received food stamps. This will help out quite a bit, the dog and I don't need much but every dollar saved is a benny.

So I sit and look out at the fog covered world this morning with a floor of snow. I am serene and peaceful. I have challenges in my life but they aren't overwhelming. I have a warm apartment to live in, I have food, coffee, clean water, cheap soda and smokes. I have a vehicle with gas in it and a valid licence for driving it. I am not destroying my life with alcohol or drugs. I have people in my life who care about me. I have the awareness to see the beauty in nature no matter what the season. Life is good, also each day is one day closer to warm weather, spending time outdoors, camping and cookouts. I plan on doing a silent camping retreat this summer at a secluded lake, either alone or with a couple of friends who would understand the experience. Yes I dream of summer but on the dwelling type of dream.

Hope all of you are doing well with what ever life is throwing your way!
Until next time.

Peace Love and Light
Scott