Happy New Year

" We all shine on, like the moon, the stars and sun" Instant Karma, by John Lennon

I have so much to write about and no time to do so. Today is payday, so I need to go get my check and put in the bank so my overdrafts are paid up, thank God for overdraft coverage it has been worth the extra fees this month. I am also working tonight. We are taking the clients to a speaker meeting which has a dance following it. Tomorrow I have to be at work by 1pm but there is an Alkathon going on and 2 of my main groups are sponsoring meetings so I need to support them prior to going to work. With any luck I will get a post pecked out in a couple of days when I have a few minutes to relax and write at my leisure, for now it is reading your post and hopefully a comment of love and support.

It has been an honor getting to know all of you this year and be apart of this blog community we have. I pray that all of us continue to grow and learn from adversity, to gain more trust in our God or the path of the Universe. I pray that we may all be peaceful and serene. That we accept the things we cannot change, do the footwork to change the things we can, and know the differance. Remember we are all worhty!! We are all special! We are all loved!!

Have a great and wonderful 2010!!! Please don't party til you puke this year, remember the gifts we have been given via a sober life or for the non-alkie/junkie, via a spiritual path.

Love to all.
Scott

Last few Days

I want to and need to make this short, any bets on whether that will happen or not :-)

I never made it out of Lincoln on Christmas day. We had a blizzard come through, the same one that covered most of the Midwest. We didn't get as much snow as the states north of here or even Oklahoma, poor Okies aren't use to snow like this so it really caused problems, same for Texans. The interstate and highways where shut down across the state.

The woman who was suppose to come in at 3pm was stuck in western Nebraska, so I ended up working her shift, total of 16 hour day for me. I didn't mind though. There was no real thought process involved, I was already at work, had no reason to go home, so when I was asked to say I didn't hesitate to say yes.

Spending Christmas with the clients was another no thought process. I didn't think about myself and what I was missing, I honestly didn't think at all, I just knew this is where I was needed and went with the flow. The clients all had a good day for the most part. I brought in cupcakes and candy canes for them, the center had small presents for each client which brought a smile to most faces. We had a couple of different group sessions to talk about things, resentments and how they would like to see their lives changed by next Christmas via staying sober and clean. We watched My Name is Bill W, most clients hadn't seen this before and I talked about the history of AA, about Bill, Dr. Bob and Ebby. The evening was free time, they watched movies and played cards. For my part I just stayed available, walked around talking to different clients at different times, played cards with them, shared my experience, strength and hope. God allow me to carry the message of love to them by not complaining that I was with them and not my family, it was a 12 step day without intent. I just did the next right thing and that thing was to be with them. This wasn't just me all the staff that worked that day where cheery and helpful, some more than others but that is how it goes, some just have a job at the center others want to be there and serve their God.

We had one woman who did have a minor breakdown after a phone call with her kids. They had never expressed their anger at her before, she thought everything was going well because she gave them everything they needed materially, she was a drug dealer. In the phone call they expressed their anger about the stuff they had lost when she was arrested. We told her that she would probably have more conversations like this one because the one thing she never gave her kids was "herself" she was so busy providing for their material wants she neglected their emotional needs, her kids range from 9-15. The client is new and hasn't started working on look at how her addiction has effected her and her family, the phone call gave her a taste of that and we helped her walk though the event. She was shaken up for a while but eventually the tears stopped and she got involved in other activities to keep her mind off her troubles.

When I came home I couldn't judge how deep the snow drift in front of my drive was, so I hit the gas and plowed into a 3 foot snow drift that I thought was only a foot or 2 deep, stopped me dead in my tracks. God had my neighbors see this and after 20 minutes of digging we got my car unstuck and in the drive. Yesterday it took me 20 minutes to go 100 yards because of the snow on my street, I had to dig and use pieces of plywood under the tires to get me to the street that didn't have deep snow on it. I had planned on this problems so I wasn't late for work. I will shovel some more before I go to work today, mainly the street in front of my house.

As for me having Christmas with my family it is going to wait until Wednesday. I talked to my mom early Christmas morning just to wish her a Merry Christmas, later I talked to my daughter, Angel is still to small to care about talking to grandpa on the phone if she is doing something more fun. In reality going down Wednesday will be better because I will have more time to spend with all, it isn't about being with them on the actual day so much as just getting a chance to see them and spend some time together. I am sure my daughter missed me but she spent time with my family, her cousin's, grandma and great aunt so she was with family plus she also was with her boyfriends family. This is the first year we have not been together on Christmas but it won't be the last as she gets older and has a family of her own. For me I have other obligations with my new career and missing holidays is part of the gig. What counts is spending quality time together when we can and phone calls to say I Love You and am thinking about you.

When my grandson is born I am going to go and stay with Angel while my daughter is in the hospital. I plan on bring Angel back to Lincoln with me for a week afterwards also, this will give my daughter a chance to recuperate and get use to having an infant again without having to take care of a toddler as well. A couple of the people I work with have little kids so I should be able to find a daycare for Angel while I am working plus I have recovery people to help out. I am actually looking forward to having her down here for a week, this might change after a couple of days into it, grandpa is rather use to doing his own thing around his house.

Well I hope all had a great Christmas. My prayers have been daily for those who have been going through some tough times in their lives.

Love you all! Peace Love and Light
Scott

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Just a couple of images I liked to express Christmas for me. I love nostalgic pictures of old houses in the country, there is something very romantic about them, it is also my dream to live in an old farm house surrounded by the beauty of nature. The dolphin is my symbol for all living creatures. I was looking for an image of a pack of wolves in the forest surrounded by trees and snow but couldn't find one, that would have been a more fitting image, so tap your imagination my friends.

I hope every one has a wonderful Christmas. That you enjoy the day in the way that brings you the most joy and happiness. That you love and feel loved. For those of you in recovery I pray that it is a day without a desire to drink or use. I pray that the God of your understanding blesses each and every one of you, on Christmas day and throughout the year.

I may or may not be seeing Angel, my daughter, mom and family on Christmas day. There is a strong chance of bad weather. Right now we are receiving rain, it is suppose to continue to rain and maybe turn to snow, they are predicting this for tomorrow as well. If the highways are icy and snow covered I will not try traveling. With the main highway being on a open plain what happens is, it gets icy from blowing snow. I if I can't make it home for Christmas it will be alright, I have next Tuesday and Wednesday off and if the weather permits I will go home then. My daughter has called a couple of times. She really is missing me at this time of year but on the other hand she doesn't want me driving. The weather is out of her control and she is very anxious over that. I just keep telling her we will just have to wait and see what the roads are like at 3pm Christmas day.

I have lived long enough in this state to know that the forecast can be wrong sometimes, to not get overly worried, yes make sure you have food to eat just in case you are snow bound but not to get all freaked out either. I have watched way too many people get all stressed out over a weather forecast and then nothing happens, maybe I am cynical but way screw up your interpeace over something that may not happen. Like I said take precautions and then accept what will happen. I can be a bit of an asshole when it comes to my feelings about how others need to accept the weather for being the way it is, we are sooo powerless over it why get all stressed out. I need to work on accepting others and not allow their actions to piss me off.

Quickie thankful list.

Thankful for having a daughter that loves and cares about me and wants to spend time with me, after all the bad times we had.

Thankful for a warm home, food to eat, hot water, I am bless because many in this world don't have these things

Thankful that my mom is still alive and I can be apart of the time she has left

Thankful for my friends back home and my new ones here

Thankful for my blogger friends, their love and well wishes

Thankful that I don't have the desire to drink, even with all great sale prices and colorful advertisements that try to convince me that I don't have a problem, that I could be all cheery with a cold bottle of Bud, yeah right death and destruction for people like me

Thankful for my daily reprieve and my willingness to continue my spiritual maintenance

Thankful that I no longer hate Christmas and those that get carried away with it

Thankful that I am alive, have a great job, am of service to my God

I will stop there, cause I just relized the list could go on for a lot longer.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, PEACE, LOVE AND LIGHT, PLENTY OF SUNLIGHT OF THE SPIRIT TO ALL
Scott

Gifts

I have bits and pieces of this post running around in my head for a couple of days now, so it is time to set the words free, lucky you ;-)

That is my little dog and companion Sweetheart, as most of you know I got her a couple of months prior to getting sober and she has played a major role my sobriety, she was a gift from God when I really needed one but didn't know it at the time. She is lying on her pillow under my desk which is where she goes when I am on the computer.

The other picture is of Angels gifts with the exception of the toddler lego's I bought her and left at my mom's house so Angel can play with them while waiting for grandpa to show up on Christmas day. The big box contains, "My Very Own Kitchen" really cool little kitchen with pans and utensils I picked up for $20 at a family dollar store. I bought the little dog in the purse because it looks a lot like Sweetheart and Angel loves Sweetheart even though Sweetheart has mixed feelings about her, part jealousy and part having a toddler chasing her around and wanting to play gets old quick. I also bought Angel her own folding chair, you can't see it but the chair has Tinkerbell on the back rest, another bargain from a dollar store, my mom has a small stool that Angel loves to move around and sit on so I thought I would get her a chair of her own. I will put the kitchen together in the next day or so and with the exception of the chair wrap the rest of the gifts, since even for a toddler part of the trill of gifts is tearing the paper off. I also have some baking to finish doing, baking treats for daughter, her boyfriend and Angel, plus making a cake for N and her kids, just a little something to say I care.

I am working Christmas Eve 2pm-10pm, we are taking the clients to some type of recovery Christmas program at another treatment center, not sure what it is all about though. Christmas day I am working 7am to 3pm, then I will leave directly from work to head west so I can spend a few hours with Angel, my daughter, my mom and whatever family is still around, maybe see N if she is home. I can't spend the night because I have to work the 7am-3pm shift on the 26th as well. I am grateful that my boss scheduled me to work the first shift so I could spend some time with my family.

So here is what has been on my mind. I am chairing my home group meeting tomorrow night and the topic that came to me was the Promises. Part of Christmas is about gifts. If one is a Christian it is their God's gift of Jesus. For others it is giving a little special something to those we love, whether they be bought or homemade, a traditional way of saying you are special to me, even though I feel we need to do this throughout the year and not reserves this for Christmas and ones birthday only.

The Promises our a gift from the God of our understanding to us for being diligent about changing our lives via the 12 steps. As we learn to get out of self and trust our God these gifts start to materialize in our lives. The new freedom and happiness comes because we are no longer slaves to King Alcohol or Dictator Dope. By learning to accept our past as a learning tool we no longer regret it, yet we still have to remember where our actions under the influence of alcohol and drugs can lead us. Comprehending serenity and knowing peace come from accepting life on life's terms and accepting God's will instead of forcing our will into our life and the life of others. We understand that our past can be our greatest asset in helping others because we all have the same dung on our moccasins. When we begin to accept the love of our God and the love of others, we begin to believe we are worthy of being loved and so that old low/no self esteem and pity pot starts to leave us. As we comprehend and apply the paradox of "giving it away to keep it" and as we learn to humble ourselves towards being a servant of our God, we stop being servants of self, thus our self seeking motives start to slip away. When we start to feel better emotionally, spiritually and physically it can't help but change our whole outlook and attitude towards life. As we learn to become comfortable in our own skin, as we make wrong the errors of the past (make amends), we gradually lose fear of people, not every one is out to get us or thinks we are piece's of shit. A tough one for a lot of us, me include, is being comfortable with the income I have, understanding that more money won't bring happiness, that even if I am poor for the rest of my life I can be happy and as long as I do the footwork God will take care of my needs, my wants are not important in the Big Picture of life . Through prayer and mediation, through the process of learning to trust our God, we start to develop a God conscience that helps us deal with the situations that life throws our way, we do the footwork and once again accept our God's will in the outcome.

The Promise aren't just for alcoholics and addicts,(note for Paula). I feel they are what happens for anyone who tries to live a life based on spiritual principles. If we work towards treating others as we wish to be treated then life rewards us for our efforts. When we learned to love ourselves as the Divine loves us then we gain a feeling of inter peace and serenity which also comes from learning to live in the moment at hand and not worry about the future nor dwell on the past. The Promises are about Karma, about reaping what we sow, about serving our God to the best of our ability on a daily bases. The Promises are a daily gift from our God as long as we continue to do the footwork. They are also a gift to ourselves because we have free choice. We can either choose to live in serenity and peace or choose to be miserable, grumpy and Ebenezer Scrooge year round. I know I don't reap the promises every day because some days I am so full of self I shut out the sunlight of the Spirit but if I work on seeing and touching the light I can fill my life with that light the majority of my days. The promises are this little agreement between my God and myself, my God says "boy if you want to live a serene and peaceful life here is what you need to do, take it of leave it the choice is yours", gratefully on most days I take it. As an ex-drunk I know that if I take one drink all these promises disappear, they have in the past and will again.

So if you feel you didn't receive any gifts of value this Christmas think again. If you are receiving these Promises from your God then you have received the greatest gift of all, a life beyond your wildest dreams, life filled with happiness, joy and LOVE, a life where even when we are given a shit sandwich to eat we can accept it and say pass the salt and hot sauce because even shit sandwiches don't last forever.

In case you don't get a chance to read me until after Christmas, let me say this to all of you now. Merry Christmas my friends, you are loved and you are worthy of being loved!!! May your new year be filled with the blessing, some may be in disguise, I know mine will be.

Love you all and let's all do our best to carry the message of peace on earth, goodwill towards all living things throughout the year, please!!

Peace Love and Light
Scott

LET GO

While I was out finishing my Christmas shopping, I stopped by the recovery bookstore to get some teaching material for the treatment center, I also bought some wallet cards for a couple of co-workers and spares to give out for anyone who needs a pick-me-up. I bought The Prayer of St. Francis and Disiderata and Let Go which I hadn't seen before. I thought I would share Let Go with you all, since me being the selfish person I am wanted to share the message with you because I like it. So away we go!!

Let Go

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, its the realization I can't control another

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies

To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future

To "let go" is to fear less and to love more


I hope everyone has a great weekend basking in the sunlight of the Spirit.

Peace Love and Light in Fellowship
Scott

Ice on the Streets but not in my Heart

How's that for a catchy title to a post;-D Not sure how much this post will deal with either since I am just starting out. Will say we are experiencing an Artic blast, high temp was 10 degrees with the added wind chill it was -10, my old town was -27 at 7am this morning that is with a wind chill. Needless to say it doesn't take a person long to smoke a cigarette if you have to do so outside. This won't last long though, usually we get a couple of weeks of this type of cold every winter. I am one of those who will never bitch about how hot it is in the summer because I would rather it be 100 degrees than 10 below. I accept the cold, I live in Nebraska and have no choice in the matter but I also dislike having to wear gloves, heavy coat and shoes, too much restriction on the body and not enough pure air caressing my skin.

My little friend left treatment today, she is going to the women's home where she will get further assistance in staying sober and learning to manage her life and become a good mother. She had a small hiccup but that turned out for the best, she is only getting her son part time. She will have her son every other day instead of all the time. At first she was really upset by this but has come to understand that this will give her a chance to work on her instead of constantly thinking about her son and parenting. The bit about my feelings towards her have pretty much passed, I just needed to write about them, get them out in the open so I could see them better. Not that I still don't care about her well being and that of her son but I will try to stay out of her life as much as possible, other than to talk to her at meetings and be an emergency backup for rides. If she starts using me too much for rides then I will have to put a stop to that. She is in God's hands just like the rest of us.

As of tomorrow we will be down to only 12 clients in the treatment center with one leaving the end of the week. We will probably get a couple more this week not sure how many though. Since I have worked at the center, we have had on average 17 clients, so this small of numbers is different for us. Not sure why the decline unless it has something to do with the holiday season. The clients we have right now are a mixed bag, more so than usual especially for such a small number. We have some that are really just playing along, not sure if their heart is really into long term recovery. We have a couple of older guys who have been through treatment before, been in recovery before and think they know everything. A couple of these guys are hard to work with because they won't really listen to suggestions about the reason they haven't been able to stay sober. Oh they can write all about what it was like and what happened but when we try to guide them we receive these looks of "you don't know what the "F" you are talking about". What I see with these guys is their pride is getting in the way, somehow they need to get humble to the fact that they can't do recovery on their own and never could, it is about God and others. The best course of action is to just continue to talk with them the best that we can, have them take a closer look at their thinking, emphasis the need for a spiritual base of recovery. It is fun and sad at how "hard headed" we can be sometimes, I include myself in this.

I was on a panel Sunday to discuss sponsorship. The noon group has started going over different pamphlets every week to discuss different aspects of recovery and share about them, mainly this is for the newcomers. I was asked to be on the panel a couple of months ago and like I was told long ago never say "no" to an AA request unless you absolutely have no to due to prior commitments. I was extremely nervous about being on this panel, it was my first time speaking in Lincoln and with so many people available I really questioned why I was chosen being a small fish. Another reason for being nervous was I was on the panel with some long term recovery, one guy had 33 years, one woman 26 and another with 18, I was the 4th person with 3 years. Sunday morning my mind was in hyper drive, I was really hoping for a reason not to attend, fear was raging in my head. The only thing I know how to do was pray, I prayed in the shower, I prayed drinking my coffee and I prayed on the drive over. There were about 30 people in attendance which is a comfortable size for me, even though I am pretty much a reserved person I have no huge troubles speaking in public, I ask God to guide my thoughts and speak from the heart, God has always come in and taken over giving my courage and strength. My fear once again was being on the panel with these other people and worrying about what they would think of what I had to say, selfishness it the root of all our troubles.

Mister 33 years started off, he talked about his history with sponsorship and also about the history of sponsorship in AA, really interesting share, I was up next. I really hadn't thought much about what I was going to say prior to getting there, I figure I would just share my own experiences with sponsorship and my understanding of it, pretty much wing it with my God's help. While mister 33 was speaking I thought about the fact that I was sitting here in a suit and tie, so that was my lead off. I shared that it was because of a sponsor that I was wearing a suit and tie, that I was told long ago that when I speak in public that I am representing AA and as such I need to look respectful, I also need to show respect for myself to. I shared that my normal attire was jean's, t-shirt or flannel shirt but what kind of message would that send. To me that sends the message that I don't take recovery seriously, that I don't take AA seriously either, that I don't have respect for the audience if I am up there in a flannel shirt and jeans. Part of learning to respect myself is respecting my appearance, if I feel good about myself then clean clothes, good hygiene and appropriate dress reflect this. Now I love my jeans, t-shirts and sandals or boots and wear them to meetings but they are all in good repair, I have thrown away shirts if the collars get ragged or save them for yard work. If the newcomer walks in and sees me looking ragged what kind of impression am I making, do I look to them like the gutter bum they expected. My appearance is part of sharing hope and maybe a common bond, hope that we have risen above the self hating scum we once where and our appearance reflected this, the common bond comes from being average but clean and healthy, a reflection of the soul. I hope this makes since to you all.

The other thing I talked about, and this came from the pamphlet, was not choosing a sponsor that is just like us, some one that we have "everything" in common with. I need someone who is just different enough that this person will not be my best buddy. If I am too close to someone then that person may have a tougher time giving me the tough love they have to on occasion, they have be able to call my BS without fear of damaging the friendship, a friendship based on hanging out together. My sponsor and I are friends but not close friends, we have enough in common that we can have casual conversations and spend time together but I don't hang out at his house either. My other contribution to the panel was, talking about the sponsor being the first person I learned to trust deeply. By learning to trust my sponsor I learned to trust my God. My sponsor was my first contact with God in my opinion, my sponsor was God speaking to me when I was unable to listen directly. When I got sober I was fairly anti-social and didn't trust anyone including myself, my sponsor showed me how to trust again. He didn't mock my words, he would explain how my thinking wasn't sound but never did he mock me. This trust lead up to doing the 5th step with him, trusting him to know everything about me so that he can help me and also teach me to help myself with God's aid. Via the 5th step my sponsor knows when my old character defects are rearing their heads and he can point this out to me so that I am aware of the choices I am making.

When the meeting was over, I receive handshakes and hugs, returned in same. The fear became gratitude like it usually does. Once again it was brought home that I need to trust God in this process of recovery. I will always say yes to an AA request but that doesn't mean I will always walk into the event serene, it is in the action that serenity is achieved sometimes. God has shown me this over and over but I have selfish fear sometimes, guess this mean's God has more work to do with me and I with It.

Today is kind of a messed up day. I worked the overnight last night plus an extra hour, got home around 9am, made it to bed shortly after 10am. I got up at 6pm and have been messing around on the computer plus doing some cooking. Tomorrow I have to go in at 7am, so up by 6am. It is creeping on midnight now, the best I can do is put in a movie now that this post is done and hopefully fall asleep in an hour or so. Cool thing is I will be alright when I get up, cup of coffee and a smoke with wake me up further and by the time my happy butt walks through the door of the center I will be full awake and filled with grace. My head won't be fuzzy from the effects of too much beer and I won't thinking about "having" to go to work, I will be glad that I am "allowed" to go to work and happy to be there.

Hey Sarah hope you like the shorter paragraph's, made a conscience attempt just for you to divide subject matter up better :) Hope all of you are well and happy as can be, that you are finding peace, love and light of the Spirit.

Hugs and Love
Scott

Friday's for what it's worth

This is the snow drift behind my mom's house in Kearney. Here in Lincoln we received about 10 inches, the wind created drifts much deeper than that though. the side streets where a bear cat, I had a hard time getting out on the main street Wednesday morning to get to work, I was temporarily stuck. I give Lincoln a lot of credit they do a much better job of clearing the main streets than the towns out west I was driving in yesterday. The temperature was below zero during the day on Wednesday due to the wind chill factor, yes I got out my gloves and cap, it warmed up into the 20's during the day yesterday. This isn't unusual weather for Nebraska, 30 years ago and more it was far worse, argue global warming if you will but our winters have become a lot milder. When I was a kid living in the country we would be stuck for day's because there would be 10ft or higher snow drifts blocking the roads, these were gravel roads cut through rolling hills. Sometime this spring I will have to take some pictures from where I use to live and post them here.

I held off go to see my mom and daughter until yesterday, Wednesday later afternoon and evening the interstate highway was still fairly nasty, blowing and drifting snow, even though I am a seasoned veteran of winter driving there is no reason for traveling 135 miles on crappy roads unless you absolutely have to. I got up early yesterday morning and headed down, interstate was clear, I came back last night since I have to be at work by 1pm today. Angel was happy to see grandpa and she went with me to my mom's. I got the photo's we had taken from my mom, they turned out really well, wish I had a scanner so I could show you all. While in town I also stopped and saw a couple of dear friends, one is a recovery buddy who is spending time in jail but has work release so I visited him at work. The jail time is doing him some good, he has been really digging into the steps, his sponsor and he are working the steps on how they apply to his relationship problems, which is what landed him in jail. We talked about the road tripping to San Antonio for the international convention and he is in. My plan is to buy a motor home with my tax refund and get 4 or 5 people together to split the cost, drive straight through, park the RV at a park spend a couple of days at the convention and head back Saturday late night so we will get back by Sunday late night for those that have to work Monday.

I had a great visit with one of the few close friends I had during my drinking daze. Her husband and her saw me at my worst and worried a lot about me, they know what a miracle it is that I am still sober. We hadn't seen each other since I moved out here. She said I looked really well. I thought I was doing good before but she said she could tell my disinterest in my old job was taking it's toll and even though I was happy my face still was haggard from not being spiritually complete. I always fine it interesting when people point these things out, I think I am really showing acceptance yet the face reviles the truth that inside I was suffering somewhat.

My daughter had her ultrasound yesterday and she is going to have a boy. He is healthy and the pregnancy is go well. He is due in April via c-section, so they are trying to figure out a date for his birth.

Angel is Angel, just as happy and content as could be. I took her, my daughter and her boyfriend out to eat at a Chinese buffet last night, my Christmas present to them for now. Angel really doesn't have a stopping point when it comes to eating, as long as we kept putting food in front of her she kept on eating it. She is a chunky baby by nature but not obese so I guess it is alright to let her eat as much as she wants for now, just have to monitor it if she continues to do so when she gets older. Poor baby got upset and cried when grandpa told her bye bye, she really understood what was happening and wouldn't give me a kiss or hugs. I take this as a gift from God and a gift of being sober.

Our holiday schedule is out. I am working 5 days over Christmas and also New Year's which includes the actual days and both eve's. My boss did me a big favor and scheduled me to work the 7am to 3pm shift Christmas, this way I will leave from work head back to Kearney and spend a few hours with Angel, my daughter, my mom and anyone else that may still be around. I did pull a selfish one with my daughter, I told her my visit takes priority over Angel spending time with anyone else Christmas day. Angel and I have been with each constantly from her birth until I moved here, for all practical purposes I am her main grandparent, she sees her dad and his family every few months. So I feel we have a much closer bond than anyone else. My daughter understand this and she also wants to spend what time I have Christmas day with me, it is a time of family for us. I may have my misgivings about Christmas but it is and will always be about family to me. In the past it might of been a chore but I always made sure I was at the family Christmas gatherings, whether I was getting along with family members or not, I went because I knew my parents needed me there, that on this one day we put aside our differences and were a family, I even held off on my drinking because my dad did not approve of it, once he left it was a whole other story though.

I will write more about work and holiday's, what we have planned for the clients and such. Tonite is anger management group for me, we have a bunch of newer clients and I will take them through "selfishness and self centeredness" as outlined in the Big Book and finish with pages 86-88. Pages 86-88 outline the way in which we learn to recognize our anger, fears and other feelings and how to handle them in a healthy way, which is spiritual. There may be a couple of clients who have heard this discussion before but it won't hurt them to hear it again plus I am starting to fine tune my lesson structure and hopefully I will have the clunk's out this time.

My boss talked to me Wednesday and he wants to find a group or 2 for me to teach, either existing or a new ones of my choice upon approval from the clinical staff. He is taking my Hot Seat idea to them so maybe I will get a chance to explain to them how this works and why I feel it is beneficial, if they shoot it down no big deal, I did the footwork which is what counts. I have another idea about having a group on steps, 1,2,3,10 and 11. These are kind of covered in general treatment plans and other groups but there isn't a group designed for just the steps. My thought is that I can use some material from workbooks available, the Big Book and 12 and 12 to assist the clients in better understanding these steps. I am not a replacement for a sponsor, I feel that these steps can aid people early in recovery prior to working all the steps with a sponsor. I am leaving out steps 4 thru 9 because I feel these are steps that can only be done with a sponsor, step 12 is also better left alone until one has a sponsor. This is just something I am purposing. My boss is also considering changing the time and of spirituality group so it fits into my schedule better, I told him this is the one existing group I would really like to teach. Right now we do it on Sunday morning, my problem is I work the overnight shift on Sunday/Monday, time will tell.

Well time to take a shower and get ready for work. I hope and pray everyone is hanging in there at least, better than hanging in there would be great but sometimes it isn't meant to be.

Peace Love and Light
Big HUGS from Nebraska
Scott