Literature a prospective

Alright the coffee has kicked in so I can think enough to write, I hope. Sunday night I worked the over night shift, 11:00pm to 7:15am, so I got to bed a bit after 8:00am, then I was up at 1:45pm so I could be back to work at 3:00pm and work until 11:15pm, needless to say I slept until 2:00pm today, I don't have to work, so there was no rush to get up. I don't mind working an overnight and then coming back at 3 every once in a while it is part of the career I have chosen, I doubt if I can do this very often though since I don't function very well on 5 hours of sleep the way I could in my 20's, a few times a month is enough for me. Right now I will take all the hours I can get since I am still not working a complete 40 hours a week, this week and next I am only working 3 days and that hurts. Thankfully I don't need a lot of money to survive on and this is also teaching me to watch my spending, curtail my wants and just buy my needs. I wanted to go back to my old town on my days off and see my daughter, granddaughter, N and her kids but I am going to stay put and find things to do around here, oh I have 3 days off in a row, work one then 2 more off. I can't afford to do this since I am going to be going there anyway late Friday night after I get off, N and I are going to the AA area meeting in a town 90 minutes west on Saturday, N is going to take my old distict position as distict CPC, Cooperation with the Professional Community, and I am still planning on being active in service work even if I don't have a job with Lincoln AA. I enjoy the area meetings and talking to members from around the state that I have come to know via service work. I will spend Sunday with my daughter, granddaughter, N and her kids, so going down there in the middle of the week would have been spending money I don't really have. Knowing things like this is recovery working in my life, before I would just do what I wanted because I wanted to and then figure out how to deal with the cash problem later and probably not in a healthy manner, yes this has been done in recovery, I am slowly learning from my financial mistakes.

Steve at Another Sober Alcoholic wrote a great piece on the Big Book. Last night writing a post on the Big Book was my intension and it still is but from my own prespective of late. Please read Steve's post because I have a feeling it is better than what this is going to be or it comes from a differant view. The air from Naples Florida must be making it's way to Nebraska because last week Prayer Girl and I were both thinking about the promises and yesterday Steve was on the same Big Book vibe that I am on;-D

Alrighty then, I posted about reading "The Keys to the Kingdom" with the clients at the treatment center a couple of weeks ago as part of their recovery literature reading session. Friday night I questioned a couple of clients that are more proactive in their recovery about how much the Big Book is read and how much the first 164 pages are stressed, the reply I received was very little. During the 45 minutes each day that is set aside for clients to work on assignments, if the client doesn't have an assignment from their counselor to work on they read the Big Book or the book Narcotics Anonymous, what I have observes is most clients read a story from the back of these books. I have nothing against the stories, some stories contain some great tools for recovery and insight, who hasn't used the passages on acceptance and resentments, "Doctor Bob's Nightmare" is a must read also but I am enough of a Big Book thumper to feel that new people need to understand the basic text of both books which contain the outline the plan of recovery. When I was in recovery before I believe in the importance of the Big Book, in fact while I was out there those 10 years moving around I never got rid of my old coffee stained BB, it stayed in my library with other books I felt where important, even though I denied my alcoholism. When my sponsor visited my house for the first time, he looked at my shelves of books and said I don't care what you read, you can even read "Mein Kampt" if you want but I want you to read the Big Book on a daily bases, I think the Mein Kampt comment came from him seeing the spine of Che in big letters with a picture of the revolutionary glaring out from the rest of the books. I still follow his words today, not a daily bases but I do read the book fairly regularly. When I lived in the small towns I was use to having a Big Book handy at meetings so I could quote from it, I am unable to memorize words, something in my brain doesn't allow this, even words I have heard or read over and over for 20 years are not within my grasp to quote verbatim, so I have rely on going to the source which isn't a bad thing, I know where passages are at in the book but not the page they are on. In Lincoln meetings the Big Book's aren't just sitting around on tables for referance so I had to buy a new one just to keep in my car for my use at meetings. I do this because although I may state my prespective on this blog and comments to other bloggers on theirs, when I am at a meeting especially with newcomers I feel they need to hear what the Big Book has to say and not what my opinion is, not that I don't share my experience, strength and hope with them but I want to make sure my selfish ego isn't saying something unwise; for instance I may share about my thoughts on selfishness and self centeredness and then follow it but with what the Big Book says if someone else hasn't already done so.

So where the Hell was all that going, oh yeah the clients. Because of what the clients told me I got permission to guide the readings sessions. I told them the importance of the basic text in both the AA and NA books. We read "We Agnostics" and I pointed out the importance of this chapter, some of the passages that where key to me. One of the most important is " To us, the Realm of the Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men. When therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God,.... So we use our own conception, however limited it was." To me this these passages open up the door for people who have a hard time with the God talk like I did, a couple of clents picked up on this. The clients work a great deal on powerlessness, on denial, on shame and the consquences for their actions while drinking and using but they do very little work understanding how the program works, what the solution is. I suggest that they read the "Doctors Opinion", "More about Alcoholism" "How it Works" and also Steps 1, 2 and 3 in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, and share own past to help them with this. My prepective is that if they are going to stay sober they need to understand the Big Book and the 12 and 12, because any meeting, sponsor or individual that has good recovery is going to emphasis the importance of these books, they are going to emphasis the Solution outlined in these books, the importance of the God of our understanding, so they better get use to hearing about them. I don't talk to them like an AA Nazi or a Bleeding Deacon, my teachers have been the Elder Statesmen and those who know how to come across with strong love and compassion, the ones who share about themselve and their recovery, the good the bad and the ugly, because no likes a dictator. We are comrades on this path of recovery, if I feel like you don't understand from your living experience I am not going to listen to what you are trying to assist me with. For me this is the best approach to carrying the message. I have to say it again, what I have to offer is a gift from God, the same is true with anyone else who makes an impact on the life of someone suffer whether they have 1 day or 10,000 days. The old saying goes, "you can't bullshit a bullshiter" so if we referance the Big Book, the book Narcotics Anonymous, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, As Bill Sees It, Came to Believe, Living Sober or any other conferance approved book then we aren't talking bullshit, I make sure that when I share I talk about me and that I am human and make mistakes and what I am saying is my perspective or opinion so that it may be disregarded if it is disagreed with. Working with newcomers the way I do, I feel it is important that they understand what is and isn't the program of recovery.

O.K. I have been on my soapbox long enough, need to jump in the shower and go to the bank so I have some money to buy some needs with, is fancy chocolate ice cream a need;-D Thanks for all who have stuck with me on the ramble.

May the sunlight of the Spirit shine upon you today and every day.
Scott

Powerless over something other than alcohol

I love my daughter as much as the next parent does and I want the best for her but I am powerless over her and her decisions! She called tonight to tell me about a comedian she was watching that was really funny, think she just really need to hear her old mans voice. She told me she was going for an ultrasound in a few weeks so the truth is out and she is pregnant. For those who may be reading me for the first time, my daughter is 18 years old with a 14 month old baby. The father to my granddaughter is in a boys home in Omaha, he is a an alcoholic and addict but I really don't know if he trying to stay clean and sober or not. With any luck he will go to a men's halfway house for an extended period of time so that he can learn some of life's lessons about responsibility in a strong environment, but that is my wish, God may have other plans for him. The father of the child growing inside my daughter has been with my daughter since around February. For the most part he is a decent enough kid, ease to talk to and respectful, but and here I go with the parent thing, he isn't overly ambitious from what I can tell, gets sick a lot and isn't the most responsible kid there is, plus out of arrogance I will add he isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer either. At 19, boyfriend's age, I was emotionally immature and at 46 I still have a long way to go, I was a financial moron, still can be, but I had work ethics, even as a budding alcoholic. Maybe it is my generation or the generation of my dad who pound work ethics into my skull about holding a steady job and "cowboy up" was how you dealt with being sick, you had to be almost on deaths bed before you called in sick. The meaning of Cowboy Up is that if you get bucked off a horse or hurt working cattle you don't whine or complain, you get back on the horse or back to working cattle, you can nurse your wounds once the job is done for the day and yes some of that nursing comes in a brown bottle. This may sound harsh to some and yes men and women who believe like I do have probably gone to work when we should have stayed home and rested, probably would have helped the healing process better or kept us out of hospital because we waited too long to see a doctor. I know my thinking isn't correct on thinking the kid should be a better worker and stop whining and missing job because he gets sick a lot, maybe the sickness is legitimate but I have a prejudice towards young people who are always sick, who appear healthy, who have no problems staying home when they are sick and playing video games or watching the tube, who can still go out with their friends on weekends, don't know which character defect this is but I have it. My ex was a hypochondriac and so are different members of my family so once again I have a prejudice here. The boyfriend does have a job now, working at a fast food joint but is off work due to being sick so I am not comfortable he will be able to keep this job. On the plus side the kid isn't a raging drunk or druggie, even though he does drink and smoke pot and has been in treatment as a youth, he is good with my granddaughter and she love him. My daughter also loves the guy even though they fight a lot, something I can't figure out, how can 2 people who fight quite a bit think they can have a long term relationship.

My concern for my daughter is like all parents. We want the best for our kids. We want them to be happy and secure. We want them to have some measure of success. My daughter said she is looking into starting her college general education classes at a local community college which is good thing, then going on to get a degree in adolescent counseling so she can counsel young people who were just like her, a noble thing to do. Being the wise old fart that I am, I can't help but be concerned over how she plans to accomplish all this with 2 little kids. Maybe to her and her generation having 2 kids in daycare isn't that big of a deal. My granddaughter was an accident although a beautiful one and the apple of my eye but to intentionally get pregnant again just doesn't make sense to me. Plus I don't feel the relationship is strong enough for them to have a child together. My daughter is a good mother to my granddaughter for being only 18, she doesn't drop her off at friends house so she can party, I don't think my daughter parties much anymore either. My daughter is a loving and caring mother also. My daughter also lives in fantasy land in a lot of ways and is every bit of 18 and immature, she has yet to have an electric bill in her name so that she can really understand the importance of not having unnecessary lights on.

So this is where I am at with my daughter and her boyfriend. God gave me this new job in Lincoln for a reason other than helping people new to recovery. It has allowed me to move 2 hours away from my daughter so that she can live her own life without me seeing it too closely. I am close enough to enable her if I choice to but so far other than paying their first months rent and some gas money I haven't. They have to figure things out on their own and what dad doesn't see doesn't cause dad undue stress or anxiety. I am powerless over my daughter and her boyfriend, they are in the hands of the God of my understanding. For the most part I am good at letting this go but the parent in me still has concerns. I guess it all comes back to the old acceptance bit, we have to accept the situation but not necessarily like it. I know what I want God to do for them but that would be a short measure on them learning life's lessons. The best I can do is one, stay sober above everything else because if I start drinking again I am worthless not mention I will probably end up unavailable via prison or death or worse, second I can be here for my daughter with emotional and spiritual support. I can give her guidance but I can't make her accept it. I can be available for my granddaughter if anything bad happens. I have friends in my old town who my daughter talks to and they keep me posted.

Working the 12 steps and living in recovery isn't just about staying sober. It is about living my life as it is right now. It is about using the spiritual tools I have been given in all situations of my life, whether it be my daughter, my mom or my personal relationships. The program of recovery has shown me how to live a life of peace and serenity. Suffering happens but I have a choice on how I deal with that suffering, either I can dwell in it, staying ever sicker, or I can accept it and walk the balanced middle path where serenity and peace live and breathe. I can't say I choose the middle path all the time, I have my share of fears, selfishness and emotional upsets, but thanks to meetings, literature, people in recovery, my blogger friends and above all my spiritual connection with my Higher Power, who I choice to call the Dharma, I don't stay in the suffering for too many hours. Just by writing this post out I understand more than I did before, I understand more about my prejudice, I see some parallels, I see me not wanting my daughter and her boyfriend to make the same mistakes I did, but maybe they will be faster learners than I was, maybe their collective brains haven't been as damage as mine was when I woke up to my mistakes and changed my path. I know that God is with them on this path and with me. I know that we both have a wonderful fellowship of recovering alcoholics and addicts to help us along. We are bless a lot more than others who may be going through the same living events, so even in being discouraged I have something to be grateful for.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Service work, Football, Keys to the Kingdom

Alright it has been a few days since I last pecked anything out and not much has really happened in that time but I am sure that once I get started I will find all kinds of things to talk about for your amusement and my greater awareness.

Lincoln has been a happening place the last week and weekend. The state fair was going on, it is the last one to be held in Lincoln, so a big deal was made of it, next year it is moving 100 miles west in hopes that more people from greater and rural Nebraska can attend. AA had a Public Information booth in the exibit hall, I volunteered to work a 10am-1pm and 3pm-7pm shifts a couple of days since my schedule allowed for it, I also went Friday and hung out with some guys from my old town sat at the booth visited then walked around the fair. The down side was we didn't have a banner saying who we were, only the books and pamplets on the table gave an indication as to what the booth was about, not sure if this was good or bad but my personal opinion is that a banner with Alcoholics Anonymous on it might have caught the eyes of more people. Working a PI booth is boring and interesting, "our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion" so you sit quietly behind the booth smile and greet people as they walk by. Every once in a while some one will stop, sometimes it is fellow members stopping to say hi and the others seem to be people who have a loved one suffering from alcoholism. The true alcoholic that needs help would probably prefer we weren't sitting there, so they could pick up or look over the pamplet without one of us asking if we can help them with any questions but the rules of the fair are that we have to have someone at the booth. I personally probably shared as much about Alanon as I did AA, wives and parents would stop by asking questions, I would share about how they were just as powerless over alcohol as the alcoholic, gave them any lit they wanted and also tell them how to contact Alanon and where to get Alanon literature. I said working the booth was boring but I don't mean that in a bad way, it is boring because we sit there for our 3-4 hours without much interaction with those passing by but this is a boredom that is rewarding. If our having a booth at the fair helps 1 suffering alcoholic or a family member then it is well worth our time to sit there, read and people watch. The attraction part comes because we don't stand by the table solicting people to look over the pamplets, books and other handouts, we are simply there for service, to carry the message, even though we know that probably at least 1 in 10 that walk by are in close contact with someone who suffers from alcoholism or drug addiction.

The other big event in Lincoln was on Saturday. Saturday was the start of football season, the mighty Nebraska Cornhuskers had their first game, let the insanity begin!! I enjoy Husker football, watch and listen to the games when I can but I am not obsessed with it. Obsession is a great word for how most people in Nebraska feel about the football team, everthing else in life takes second place come game day. Prior to the game there is constant talk about how well they might do, differant players, the oppent of the week, Friday most people wear red to work in support of the game the following day, tons for food and alcohol are bought Friday or Saturday for parties, people pool their money together for Pay Per View games, such as the one this weekend, people get very anxious, on facebook that was all that a few of my friends could talk about prior to kick off. Once the game is over and done with there is more game stuff, reviewing the players, the highs and lows, more alcohol drank and food consumed more facebook comments. I enjoy the game for what it is, a game, nothing more nothing less, at my old job I would take unhealthy pleasure in stating this to the fanactics, especially after a loss, just to get their blood boiling, it is how I feel but it is wrong of me to use this to cause others suffering. I wasn't raise with a sports fanatic, my dad liked sports but if there where other things to be done he would do them and not stop for a sporting event, even for his beloved baseball. I must also admit I am a bit of an anti-jock since I wasn't athletically inclined as a kid, part may have been my dad never playing sports with me, the other reason for this was it was the jocks and cheerleaders that would pick on me and abuse me as a kid, remember I was the gangly semi-intellectual kid who understood more about philisophy than sporting stat's or engine sizes. Alcohol became my fuel for beligerent individualism. To this day I have to pay close attention to my anti-jock defect for character, I can use this as an arrogant weapon against those I feel "mentally below me" because they prefer sports over the more important things in the world, see this is all a sick and selfish part of me that needs working on and football season is the perfect time for growth. I watched football at work on Saturday with a co-worker and a couple of clients and was trilled when BYU beat Oklahoma, so who am I to put others down for getting excited about just a game, I can yell and swear with the best of them when I team I don't care for is getting beat by a supposibly weaker opponent.

The treatment center is about a mile away from the football stadium, which on game day is the 3rd largest city in the state of Nebraska, after Omaha and Lincoln there are more people in the stadium than in any other place in Nebraska at one time. Kickoff for the game was at 6:00pm and I had to be at work by 3:00pm, I left a bit early cause I figured traffic might be an issue, it wasn't too bad. When I got to work, we share a building with the Native American center, parking spots at my building and around it on the grassy areas were being sold for $10.00, I was let in without paying. The building was surrounded by vehicles and tailgate parties, coolers full of beer and other alcoholic and maybe a few non-alcoholic beverages, small grills with bugers and bratwurst and all kinds of merriment. This isn't the best enviroment for 18 people who are just starting out on the road to recovery. Being Saturday they had a lot of free time, which means they could go outside and smoke, the smoking was limited to a small area but they could look at the tailgate parties from the patio. With the exception of a woman with a beer bong walking around it wasn't too crazy around the patio area. The clients where taking all this really well, they would look over at the parties but everyone stayed within bounds. I could smell the beer in the air and told the clients this so they know they weren't alone, I also made myself available to them in case someone started having cravings. In the late afternoon I stepped outside my boundaries as a tech and lead a Big Book study, we read the story "The Keys to the Kingdom", after the reading I opened it up for discussion, this was a non treatment documented group so I wasn't taking notes and the client were aware of this. Most of the clients that shared identified with the drinking and depression the author talked about, after I got as much as I could out of the clients that wanted to share, I talked about the importance of the authors message, "AA is not a plan for recovery that can be finished and done with. It is a way of life, and the challenge contained in its principles is great enough to keep any human being striving for as long as he lives", the author also talks about highs and lows and living sober through them, she talks about miracles, she talks about the "retrogressive groove" the groove that can mean death to an alcoholic if one stays in it too long. I talked to them about life and death, about watching people who have been in recovery die from alcoholism and about others who have faced great tragedy but didn't pick up a drink and walked through the tragedy with the strength of the fellowship, something else the author talks about our Fellowship, "born out of mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives adn new found faith and hope". Like always I don't know if I effected any client in a great way, what I do know is it helped me stay sober, it got me out of myself, it re-emphasised my belief in AA and the fellowship because I truly believe in the words she wrote but I have to live them. I can no more get in a retrogressive groove than the next person. Yes I need to share the message with newcomers, but I also have to have those meetings where I sit and listen to the words of those who have been living this life longer than me, to seek their experience, strength and hope, to take their suggestions because they have been where I am at in my life to a greater or lesser degree, to seek the wisdom born out of mutual suffering and new found faith.

One last thing about clients. I have been blessed to share with them that alcohol and drugs are only a symtom of a larger problem. I had a wonderful discussion last night with a few of clients who are waking up to this fact. Who are understanding that even with the alcohol and drugs removed they still have these huge defects of character and that treatment is about more than getting off drugs and alcohol, which is what they thought treatment was about prior to coming. It is a joy to watch the light come on in these people, when they start to become aware that they need to work on selfishness, honesty, fear, shame and the rest, when they start to understand they need a God of their understanding in their lives. This is the grace of God in their lives and mine and I am thankful I am able to share it with them.

Oh yeah here is a teaser for you for my next post since this one is already my usually long ramble. My daughter and her boyfriend have decided they want to have a baby, needless to say dad isn't happy about this but I am powerless over them, so they are in God's hands and so is my granddaughter. I have more thoughts on this and need to process them with a friend or sponsor before I write them out, nothing bad but I am not really sure what all my feelings about this are yet.

Until next time,
Peace Love and Light
Scott

Life is as it should be

Wow it is Wednesday already! Not sure what all I am going to write so hang on again, just going to let the Muse go, I have a couple of things I know I am going to write about but the rest is just what comes out.

This weekend was busy, N and 2 of her kids came down, we went to Omaha Saturday afternoon for the Air Show, none of them had been to one, so it was a great time. When we got there an F-15 was doing a demo and I got a serious rush, even though the 15 wasn't a jet I worked on, it was still the power and majestic beauty of a great fighter jet going through manuevers, the roar of the engines alone was a sound for sore ears, I haven't been around jets in 8 years and after spending 20 years around them the last few for just once a month I really miss their noise. Later in the afternoon the Blue Angels put on an awesome show. Oh Yeah a B-2 Stealth bomber did some low level passes as well, spectacular is the only word for that. I am not a war monger but my background in the Air Force leaves me with a love of fighter and bomber jets.

Saturday night, I took N and a friend from Lincoln to see Jackson Browne in concert in Omaha at an elegant theater. Omaha has a lot of great concerts and Lincoln gets a few also but I have never been able to afford to see them. Last April when I found out Jackson was coming I got online the day the tickets went on sale and bought 3, one was for the friend in Lincoln the other was in hopes that I would have someone special to take with by the time the concert rolled around. Jackson is by far my favorite over all artist, I am a huge Dylan fan but he doesn't have the same calming effect the Jackson does, Dylan is the master poet, the mystic word smith, Neil Young and the Allman Brothers also stay in heavy rotation in my stereo but they don't move me the way Jackson does. Jackson is just remarkable with his lyrics, there is a simplistic depth to them, he has a way of making you feel the feelings, unlike Dylan who either keeps you guessing or says screw you find your own damn meaning, which is a reason I love Dylan. Jackson also has a wonderful voice, calm and harmonic, you are thinking it so I am going to say it for you, unlike Dylan in who's voice you can hear every cigarette he has ever smoked plus you never know if he will garble words just to be different. Anyhow I have waited a long time to see Jackson in concert, I had tears of joy in my eyes for a better part of the concert, he played a lot of songs from his first few albums, albums that are my favorites, ones that came out when I was a preteen but later turned on to in my discovery of him. The concert lasted 2-1/2 hours and it was wonderful and worth every penny. About those tears, they are a gift of recovery, I could have never seen this concert if I was still drinking, chances are I wouldn't be a free man and if I was I would be pennyless and without a drivers lience, I remember the night, I remember the songs, he sang my favorites, For a Dancer and the Pretender, I had 2 special people with me, people who wouldn't associate with me if I was drinking, people who are walking the same spiritual path I am. It was one of those great events in recovery for me, one I thank God for.

Alright now I have to say something about this weekend with N. During the concert I gave her some affection but didn't receive any back. Sunday we went to church and then messed around town prior to me having to go to work, we had a great time together, same as the day before. When we parted it was the same tight hugs and her thanking me for a great weekend. I have thought a lot about this the last few days and I have come to accept that after spending the last 2 months together, that all she really wants to be is close and special friends. As much I have said I would be willing to accept this it does hurt a bit. This acceptance will not change future plans that we have together. What it does is free me up a bit. I have met some women in Lincoln that I find interesting but have shyed away in case N decided she wants something more with me, I am not saying I still don't care deeply about N, what I am saying is that I can't put my life on hold for something that at the moment seems unlikely to develope into what I want it to. Another blogger used the word Surrender this week for a situation she is in, far worse than mine but I still relate to the use. I surrender my wanting a more intimate relationship with N. Surrender the fact that she isn't ready for one or doesn't want one with me. I surrender to the fact that I do want a loving relationship with someone in the near future. I am not saying I am going to go all horndog and start sniffing every skirt that is attractive, start having meaningless one night stands or doing the ugly 13th step boogie. What I am saying is that if I meet a woman at a meeting that I connect with and who seems interested in me I am going to pursue the possiblities further. My relationship with N has given me great insight into my own desires but has also helped me be more healthy spiritually when it comes to relationships. My Buddhist teachings tell me to practice compassion and unselfishness, something I have learned to do better, so that hopefully I will have the awareness to keep doing if another person enters my life, I been given new insight into both spiritual and recovery tools in concerns to relationships and I hope that I will continue to use these, I certainly plan on doing so, main thing is to keep the selfishness at bay. I know I probably sound like a stupid teenage boy in a lot of what I write but in a lot of ways I am. My heavy drinking started when I was a scared out of place kid, I never learned about the dating game and what little I know came from people who were having one night stands instead of commited relationships. What I want is a commited relationship, one that grows stronger, one that isn't based on lust, one that is based on mutual love and compassion. I got married to the first woman who had sex with me on a continual bases, unfortunately we had only known each other a couple of weeks before the sex started and by the time of the weddding I was so caught up in pleasing her and worried about her fragile mental health that I couldn't tell her that I didn't love her the way she loved me, it took 6 years of sick emotional termoil for it to end. Today I see the mistakes of the past, this is part of the reason I have been so patient in waiting to see if things with N would materialize beyond best friend status. It probably sounds silly but I am not getting any younger and I have spent the last 14 years alone and I want to start spending time with someone who will receive my affection and return it. With the help of God I can have healthy desires with out going overboard and creating misery, meetings and talking to my sponsor and others in recovery are part of keeping the balance for me. So a door in my life may have closed and I am in the hallway again but I am sure another door will open, not sure how soon but I have been educated by the closing of the last one so hopefully I am better equiped to handle the opening of the next whenever it happens.

Work is going really well!!! I will write about it in a day or so, new challenges there as well as new growth.

The sunlight if the Spirit is shining on me and I hope if is shining on you as well.

Peace Love and Light

No Regret a useful tool

It's 11:00 am, I sitting here in my sleep pants, cup of coffee and smokes within short reach, I have finished reading my favorite blogs or checking to see if anyone has posted a new one. For the most part it is peaceful outside the library window, I call the spare room a library instead of office because my bookcases are in here, my bills go on the kitchen table until I need to review and pay them, a chore for today, my desk is a place for the laptop to sit and for storage, plus a couple of junk drawers filled with nails, wall hooks, batteries, small tools, misc repair stuff, so office just sounds to stuffy for me, library on the other hand is a place of peace, a place to read and a place to reflect which is what I do when I am in this room, I also have art work by Mich and N's youngest on the walls. So now you know about the room from which I write this blog and comment you yours.

I was awaken around 9:15 by a heavy rain, something we need since the air last night was heavy with moisture so hopefully the humidity will be less today, doesn't bother me but I get tired of hearing others complain about it. I save what little weather complaining I do for bitter north winds and temps in the teens and below, anytime the temp is above 40 I am happy. I don't like the cold at all but live in a cold state and will probably spend most of my life living in a cold state, I accept this because I love this cold state, it's people, it's culture, it's fairly laid back nature, it's friendliness plus my family and love ones are here. When I lived in the central part of the state it was a work of acceptance, I am liberal they are conservative, I think Limbaugh is an intolerant moron with an ugly soul they think he is a God, I love blues, folk, bluegrass and jazz influenced music with the exception of a small town radio station run by 2 old hippies my music isn't played west of Lincoln, I love ethnic foods and culture sorry folks but Mexican and bland Chinese just don't cut it for me, I like seeing and talking to freaks on the street in the coffee shop and at meetings out west they are a rarity and people laugh and point at them, I am not a Christian and people out west have a hard time understanding this, but I spent 17 years living in that part of the state I am a better person for it. Once I got sober and stopped using my differences as a "poor me I am so damn unique I have to drink all the time" BS, my differences gave me a chance for growth, a chance to practice love and tolerance even when I felt like I was being shunned or looked down on for my beliefs. There is no way I can truly understand raw prejudice felt my people of color or homosexuals but I have empathy because I have had small doses of it. Jesus talked about turning the other cheek and loving our enemies as well as our friends, the Buddha taught the same, I was given a chance to live these words and apply them in my life so I hold no ill feelings towards those with different views or ideals. Now that I am in Lincoln, I feel right at home. I am still living in my wonderful Nebraska but I am in the one city that I feel I fit in completely, God had a time planned for this and it materialized when things were right for me. I think about the drunken years, the alcohol fuel hatred, hatred of others and self, the poor Me's and it seems like such a waste but it wasn't, it was a part of the past I can't shut the door on because one can of beer takes me back there, no matter how good things are now the alcohol will turn everything black and ugly, that is how the demon works in me, it blankets out the sunlight of the Spirit. I am grateful for my past and my present life.

My new job is allowing me to use the tools of understanding and right speech, not to mention awareness. There are some clients who are suffering greatly from shame and guilt, well all of them are but there are only a few who are open enough to talk about it with the techs. I have been given an opportunity to explain the promise "we will not regret the past nor which to shut the door on it" from my own experience, the above thing with living in a small town is trivial for the most part. The shame I can share about is the shame that those of us who had children during our active alcoholism feel about the damage and suffering we created. I am not proud of how I treated my daughter or my parents, I am allowed to share this with the clients and explain to them I no longer feel regret for what I did, it was part of being a selfish slave to King Alcohol, I share that for me remembering how I treated my daughter and parents has become a tool for staying sober, it is part of thinking the drink through to the very end when the "wouldn't a beer taste good right now" thought crosses my mind, it is part of a mental collage which also includes jails and homelessness. One drink, a thimble full of alcohol has the power to ruin my relationship with my daughter, granddaughter, mother and the rest of the people I love and love me, that's some powerful stuff and I can never forget it. Another thing I am learning is to work with people who are very mentally ill. I have spent a lot of time with chronic alcoholics, both in and out of meetings, those sad cases that just don't seem to get "it", some have died and some are still existing. The people I work with are the ones Bill wrote about in Chapter 5 " constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves" they are unfortunate indeed. When I did service work at the mental health hospital I was in brief contact with some like this but now I am spending hours with a few people like this and let me tell you campers it is very sad. It is sad when the director tells us that these people are severely mentally ill and to please show tolerance and kindness towards them, it is sad to talk to or listen to someone with whom reality is sometimes an illusion, it is sad to know these people aren't even 40 years old and the future is very uncertain for them. There is one kid who really knows how to work you, he is mentally ill, in denial and gets verbally aggressive when confronted, this posed a challenge to me last night, I let him rant and rave, tried to explain or show him how this thinking was a wrong, I was granted the ability to be assertive without being aggressive, in the end I told him to go outside and cool down, later when I checked on him he was doing alright. We can't change these people a great deal but we still have to give them feedback in hopes the a small kernel of what we say may sink in, to help in anyway we can and I also feel that what loving kindness and compassion we show them in some ways is healthy for them also. My prayer and mediation time prior to work consist partially of asking for compassion, loving kindness and freedom from the bondage of self, yesterday I was given the honor of practicing what I pray and mediate for, it seems like a big order sometimes for this ex drunk, it seems almost overwhelming and scary. When I asked to be of service to God and my fellows I wasn't aware of of how much God would ask of me but God has faith in me and my coworkers who give me assistance and work with the clients also, just like it recovery it is all about "WE", I must not count myself short or the gifts I have been given, the old insecure Scott wants to do this at times. I take refuge in the 3rd and 11Th steps, I take refuge in the teachings of recovery, I take refuge in the Living Buddha and Living Christ, without these I am a dangerous man in a job that requires applying these principles every second I am there. I have said this before and will probably continue to say this, I love this job and I am grateful to my God for allowing me to have it, for the spiritual growth it gives me and with spiritual growth comes personal and emotional growth, tools I can use outside of the treatment center when I am in contact with my family, loved ones, friends and society in general. Must add I make mistakes, I am not perfect but I do the best that I can do. I use to beat the shit out of myself for making mistakes, you people in recovery told me I didn't need to do this anymore, that God forgives me and I need to forgive myself, thanks to God and you I have stayed sober enough 24 hours to practice this most of the time.

On a lighter note, looking out my window this morning I get the joy of watching the birds dig around in the wet grass for bugs. I get to watch the tree rats (squirrels) run and play. My bird feeder is a hit with all kinds of birds, even the black birds and blue jays are being nice to the smaller birds, I don't see the cardinals as much as I would like but every once in a while I catch a glimpse of them eating out of the feeder. I also have 3 rabbits who visit my yard, I take the bird seed and broadcast it around for them also. Life is peaceful and serene for the most part, I did have a bit uneasiness yesterday but did the footwork to correct it, once again my mind was telling me a story that was untrue but the only way to find out the truth was to trust God and ask the person I was worrying about the question that was on my mind, anyone who read this blog probably knows who I am talking about, all is well like I said it was just my mind telling me stories and my own insecurities feeding the story.

Well campers, I need to get my butt off this chair, take a shower, do some work around the house, look at a pay a couple of bills and then head to work.

Peace Love and Light to everyone!! and if anyone hasn't told you they Love you today then I will, I love you all.
Scott

Unity and a special meeting

I had a cool experience yesterday that I just had to share with you all. I had to work the 3pm to 11pm shift, the itenary for the clients was to take them to an NA event, speakers and pot luck followed by a regular meeting. Prior to loading them all up in the vans, one of the women who just can't seem to follow the rules got in trouble again, her peers caught her using a cell phone and also saw her doing some serious lip locking with her boyfriend, both big time wrongs, so the techs had to confront her on her behavior and make her decide what her punishment was to be which would start after the outing since all the clients and tech were going on the outing, she choice no privileges for 24 hours, no phone, no tv, no visits, pretty much just assigned stuff and smoke breaks, (honestly this comes into play later).

I have never been a heavy attender at NA meetings or functions, have gone mainly because of friends so I really didn't know what to expect. The function was small, much smaller than I thought it would be, but I was reminded that the huge Nebraska AA function was in Omaha this weekend, hour roadtrip, so a lot of people where there. They didn't have a scheduled time for the potluck like AA events I have attended, the food was laid out on a table for help yourself, good food and desserts. Oh yeah prior to getting in the van one of the clients asked me if I would go to court with him Monday, we had attended an AA meeting together Thursday night and he felt a bond with me and wants me to go with him to court for support, what an honor, tears of graditude are rolling just writing about this. The one and only speaker we got to hear was really good, he wasn't the most dynamic speaker but his message was strong, talked about sponsorship, steps, solution, and service, talked about being newly clean and seeing his brother die from alcohol and drugs, he has 18 years clean and sober, he also kept the profanity to a minumum, something that has been lacking in a lot of the NA meetings I have attended. After he spoke I walked around and talked to the clients, their response varied most thought he was alright, they tried to listen for the message, a couple where really inspired. Next up was the regular NA meeting, the topic was Unity because it was National Recovery Unity day, the meeting was started with a unity circle followed by the Serenity Prayer. The choosing of who was going to speak was done in a totally differant way than I had experience but loved the idea, when it was time to pass to the next speaker the person speaking walked over and gave that person a hug and then that person would share and pass the hug on to the person they choose to share after them. To some of the clients this was a bit weird, many had never been around NA before and NA is very much a hugging fellowship where AA is more handshakes and hugs are reserved for people we are close to. Some of the clients were chosen to share, most passed but a couple did share, saying unity to them was the unity they found in treatment being with people who had problems with alcohol and drugs just like them and how it made it easier for them to accept their own problem, they also liked the unity they were experiencing in the room during the meeting. The guy I bonded with picked me to share, I wasn't sure what I was suppose to do since part of me was Scott the Tech but the other part was Scott the recovering alcoholic addict, it took all of probably 30 seconds for Scott the recovering alcoholic addict to speak up and say "Hi everyone, my name is Scott and I am an addict" when I am in an NA meeting I am an addict and when I am in an AA meeting I am an alcoholic in respect to the fellowships. I spoke from my heart without concern for what the clients needed to hear. For me one of the greatest things about unit was finding I wasn't alone in having the feelings inside that were eating me up, the ones that the booze could no long quiet, walking into a recovery room and knowing it was alright to be afraid, to be angry to have problems, unity is the common solution shared that allows us to work on these problems together either as a group or one alcoholic talking to another like it was with Bill and Bob, unity is the love we have for one another during times of great distress; deaths, serious illness, divorces, and other life changing event the events when a fellowship rally arounds the member loves them and helps carry them through so that the member safely comes out the other side without drinking or using. That type of unity wasn't out there for me when I was drinking and using, with the except of a few friends. Unity is the sense of belonging, belonging that I tried to find those 10 years back out there doing research, belonging that I didn't find until I walked back inside a AA room and reconnected with people just like me. I wanted to talk about unity being part of the 3 legacies but thought better of it since it wasn't an AA meeting, I kept my sharing pretty much on using and drinking in general and recovery as a whole, even though my drug of choice is alcohol and with the except of downers it will be alcohol that I turn to if I ever start destroying myself again. Steve wrote about being introverted and full of fear when he drank and how he is the complete opposite today and I really relate to that, last night I was in a meeting of people I didn't know with the exception of one or 2 plus our clients, yet I felt completely at home, no fear, no insecurities about sharing my experience, strength and hope, truly a gift from God. Once again I talked to the clients afterwards and most of them really enjoyed the meeting, more so than the speaker, because of the sharing of other members, really good positive recovery sharing. One client said he was feeling really down prior to the outing but the speaker and meeting lifted him up, the lifting up was echoed by other clients, oh the power of God speaking through others in unity of a common problem with a common solution. I also won a NA candle stick holder that I will give to N, she is more NA than I am, some of the other clients won stuff as well and we had the person with the least amount of clean and sober time and she was given a copy of the NA basic text signed by all present, God willing she reads and applies it to her life.

You know once in a while are allowed to have trully wonderful spiritual experiences and witness obvisious miracles and last night was one of those oppurtunities for me. In my way of thinking we have spiritual experience and witness miracles all the time but we are not always open to them. Last night I was open and aware and you all know why and if you don't ask me in the comments and I will visit with you.

Oh yeah about the women who got in trouble with her peers. The meeting was a pay off because at the end of day group session she was confronted by the whole group and Techs on her behavior. The peers that confronted her did so in a loving and caring manner, saying they were concerned about her recovery and where not confronting her to try and hurt her but where doing so out of love and concern, she did not take it this way but really how many of us new in recovery would have. So once again the message of unity paid off, the clients were in a better spiritual state to confront their peer because of just having attended a meeting, most of them probably didn't know it but they were witness to how God works through other alcoholics and addicts. I am fully aware that most of my clients will not say sober for any great length of time, some will relapse repeatedly and finally find recovery when the time is right and the pain is finally great enough to completely surrender to the disease and a God of their understanding. Others will die from this disease, causing destruction along the way. But last night was a beautiful thing for them to experience and be a part of and whether they know it or not it was a powerful learning tool that will hopefully stay with them for as long as they trudge the road of happy destiny and it may help them return if they step off the path.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

A Time of anwsered Prayers

It has been a couple of months worth of answered prayers!!! First was the selling of my home in Kearney which allowed me to move to Lincoln. Next it was finding a duplex to live in instead having to move into an apartment, this allowed me to have a washer and dryer so I didn't have to start doing the laundromat thing, it allow me to put up a storage shed instead of rent a storage unit for all my stuff, it provides me with the privacy I am use to and a nice lawn to take care and enjoy, a place for my dog to be comfortable in, the yard provides for my new found bird and rabbit friends also that I am feeding. Then came the job, a job the was given to me by God so that I can use the talents God has given me to serve other's, those new to recovery and those starting over and now I am coming to find out my experience as a practicing alcoholic/addict and a recovering alcoholic/addict is helping the techs who aren't alcoholic/addict understand the disease better via my sharing my story with them. It is rewarding to come home from work knowing you have done something positive, something that was of service to God and society. Some people cringe when I tell them I took a $3.00 an hour pay cut for this job but sometimes the rewards we reap are not monetary. Last week my companion N got a dream job being of service to God and society also, for her it was also an increase in pay and benefits but with 3 kids she needed this. My bond with N has grown stronger in small steps and so has the bond with her kids, see my last post.

Yesterday was a head banger though. My daughter and granddaughter have been living with N on a temporary bases, N's oldest son has been gone so it hasn't been too much of a problem but N is also not suppose to have anyone live with her for over a couple of weeks due to the regulations of assisted housing, so she was getting a bit nervous someone would find out and she would get in big trouble, also her son is back home because school has started, so N's stress level and mine were starting to max out since my daughter hadn't found a place to live. Part of the problem with my daughter is she can't sign a lease since she isn't 19, another is just pure laziness and wanting to live in too nice of a place instead of getting what she needs for her and the baby (1 year old) and having me sign the lease for her. Also she has this on again off again boyfriend who is 19 and suppose to be helping her find something but is worse at procrastinating than she is. Boyfriend is also lazy and has a poor job history which isn't helping him find work. When I saw them Sunday at N's house I stated it clearly as possible that she had to find a place by the end of the week, she has had 2 months to find a place to live, boyfriend was also there and I asked him if he had a job and he said yeah 2 jobs, stupid me didn't ask him what they were though. Tuesday I get a call from my daughter saying she has found a "nice" 3 bedroom house for $650.00 a month and needs a deposit of $650.00, she says that her boyfriend and another guy were going to split the rent, the other guy I know doesn't have a job and my daughter is just starting a job for minimum wage and only 20-30 hours a week, I told her she needed to get a guarantee that the friend would stick to his end of the bargain before I would do anything which also gave me time to think more about it, I also told her she needed to look for something cheaper. Yesterday she called asking about the deposit money, I question her on the friend, he hasn't returned her phone call, I ask her about her boyfriends contribution and she tells me he is waiting to get paid, then she tells me what the 2 jobs that I forgot to ask about are, he is babysitting for his sister and another friend, I was dumbfounded to say the least, not sure what I said to my daughter but I ended the conversation basically by saying a $650.00 a month apartment was out of the question considering the circumstances, no solid incomes. Alright I set myself up for this serenity deflation, I assumed that boyfriend's 2 jobs where construction related under the table jobs, oddball stuff like concrete work, roofing, oddball stuff which isn't uncommon in the summer time around here anyway, some how I expected deadbeat boyfriend to have changed. Somehow I expected my daughter to finally wise to this guy if he hadn't changed and assumed he had since they were together again, so my text to N saying "God grant me serenity PLEASE" was in reaction to my own messed up thinking, my expectations cause me to lose my serenity. So I had a very upset daughter because I won't go for this $650.00 house, I tell her to start checking out other for rent places and see if anyone will let her and Angel stay with them for a brief time until she finds something affordable. Part of the problem has also been that I have tried to stay out of this for the most part, making my daughter take responsibility and do the footwork herself, she is out on her own with a baby and needs to figure this stuff out without me doing the work for her all the time, when we have talked over the last few weeks I have asked her about finding a place to live and a job, so I have been reminding her so it is not like I haven't taken interest. I hit the panic button yesterday after talking to her, got on the local newspapers website and started making calls for housing that is in our price range, in the mean time the response I got back from N wasn't the loving one I expected, there goes that expect word again, it was a panic back from her in large type about her concerns over getting in trouble, one of the numbers I dialed showed up as a listed contact, one of my friends in recovery was renting out his basement apartment for $400.00 utilities paid, PRAYER ANSWERED thank you GOD. My daughter isn't overly happy about this, it isn't as nice as she would liked but I told her point blank it isn't about what you want it is about what you need and you need an affordable place to live for you and the baby, plus the guy is a friend and will work with you, no deposit needed, he will bend a bit on when the rent is due, it is safe and secure. I have never in my life lived by high standards, I am not into trashy living conditions although my old house wasn't in great condition while I was drinking, so I don't know where this idea of my daughters that she has to have a really nice place to live comes from, unless she just feels she needs to raise above the normal working class living conditions she was raised with. I told her that when she and her boyfriend save the money they can move into any place they want but for now just be grateful to have a place to live and it is not with someone else. I talked to N last night and she had calmed down and was normal over the phone, she understood my concern and I told her part of my fear was that this problem with my daughter would put a strain on our relationship, she just giggled and said it was alright. So once again God answered a prayer, although It did inject a bit of pain into my butt to get the footwork started for the prayer to be answered.

I have come a long way in on this path to recovery, I walked in an Agnostic not really certain about the power of prayer and to be honest I am still not 100% sure. What I do know is that it doesn't hurt anything to ask that our needs and those of ours be met if it be Thy will, to believe in the positive power in the universe, to believe that when we live our lives in a Godly way we receive the rewards for it. That our belief in a God of our understanding will see us through, that if we do the footwork that good things will happen not all the time but if it is to be it will be. I feel that God gave N and me our jobs because we worked hard at our recovery, that we are sincere about our devotion to helping others and using our dark past as a means to hopefully shed some light on another life, that it has taken this long for both of to have the awareness and strength to serve constructively. The promises are coming true for us because we have worked and are working the 12 steps, because we live by spiritual principles, not just because she is a Christian and I am Buddhist, we have both changed are way of living, she has become grounded in her family life and stopped having meaningless relationships in order to give herself some since of self worth by pleasing another. I have given myself to the practice of awareness and unselfishness as hard as it may be, I do my best to watch my words, awareness of how powerful words can be whether it be profanity/vulgarity or negative words, I try to be aware of my actions and how they effect others. I try every day to practice loving kindness and compassion towards others and so does N. I try to be Christ like and Buddha like in all that I do. I fail quite often but it is in the failing that I become away of where the work needs to take place. None of this is a direct result of just me or N, it is a gift from God, a gift I humbly acknowledge and give thanks for every morning and every night, it is the grace that is bestowed upon us. I know there are some of my blogger friends that are going through some really hard times and it seems that God is acting against them and my post here may seem like BS from where they are sitting all I can say is that as long as we stay sober something positive will come out of your pain in the end, as Prayer Girl said sometimes we have to stand in the hallway and wait for the next door to open. I hope I have given a bit of hope that the door will open for all when the time is right, it has been over 2 years waiting for these doors to open for me, well the big doors anyway, I have had a bunch of small ones open every once in a while. I should always try and be grateful for the doors, the ones that shut and the ones that open, for they give me an opportunity not dreamed of. The stuff with my daughter will be an on going process of ups and downs, this I will say is pure Karma for how I was with my parents, God is repaying my parents love and frustrations over my life via that of my daughter, the difference being for now is I have a fellowship to help me along that they didn't have, I have teachers who can guide me through the tough times when I really want to enable her even when it goes against my better judgement, who will step on my toes with tough love, my parents did the best they could with what they had and we both came out safely in the end once again thanks to God.

Peace Love and Light
Scott