Life is as it should be

Wow it is Wednesday already! Not sure what all I am going to write so hang on again, just going to let the Muse go, I have a couple of things I know I am going to write about but the rest is just what comes out.

This weekend was busy, N and 2 of her kids came down, we went to Omaha Saturday afternoon for the Air Show, none of them had been to one, so it was a great time. When we got there an F-15 was doing a demo and I got a serious rush, even though the 15 wasn't a jet I worked on, it was still the power and majestic beauty of a great fighter jet going through manuevers, the roar of the engines alone was a sound for sore ears, I haven't been around jets in 8 years and after spending 20 years around them the last few for just once a month I really miss their noise. Later in the afternoon the Blue Angels put on an awesome show. Oh Yeah a B-2 Stealth bomber did some low level passes as well, spectacular is the only word for that. I am not a war monger but my background in the Air Force leaves me with a love of fighter and bomber jets.

Saturday night, I took N and a friend from Lincoln to see Jackson Browne in concert in Omaha at an elegant theater. Omaha has a lot of great concerts and Lincoln gets a few also but I have never been able to afford to see them. Last April when I found out Jackson was coming I got online the day the tickets went on sale and bought 3, one was for the friend in Lincoln the other was in hopes that I would have someone special to take with by the time the concert rolled around. Jackson is by far my favorite over all artist, I am a huge Dylan fan but he doesn't have the same calming effect the Jackson does, Dylan is the master poet, the mystic word smith, Neil Young and the Allman Brothers also stay in heavy rotation in my stereo but they don't move me the way Jackson does. Jackson is just remarkable with his lyrics, there is a simplistic depth to them, he has a way of making you feel the feelings, unlike Dylan who either keeps you guessing or says screw you find your own damn meaning, which is a reason I love Dylan. Jackson also has a wonderful voice, calm and harmonic, you are thinking it so I am going to say it for you, unlike Dylan in who's voice you can hear every cigarette he has ever smoked plus you never know if he will garble words just to be different. Anyhow I have waited a long time to see Jackson in concert, I had tears of joy in my eyes for a better part of the concert, he played a lot of songs from his first few albums, albums that are my favorites, ones that came out when I was a preteen but later turned on to in my discovery of him. The concert lasted 2-1/2 hours and it was wonderful and worth every penny. About those tears, they are a gift of recovery, I could have never seen this concert if I was still drinking, chances are I wouldn't be a free man and if I was I would be pennyless and without a drivers lience, I remember the night, I remember the songs, he sang my favorites, For a Dancer and the Pretender, I had 2 special people with me, people who wouldn't associate with me if I was drinking, people who are walking the same spiritual path I am. It was one of those great events in recovery for me, one I thank God for.

Alright now I have to say something about this weekend with N. During the concert I gave her some affection but didn't receive any back. Sunday we went to church and then messed around town prior to me having to go to work, we had a great time together, same as the day before. When we parted it was the same tight hugs and her thanking me for a great weekend. I have thought a lot about this the last few days and I have come to accept that after spending the last 2 months together, that all she really wants to be is close and special friends. As much I have said I would be willing to accept this it does hurt a bit. This acceptance will not change future plans that we have together. What it does is free me up a bit. I have met some women in Lincoln that I find interesting but have shyed away in case N decided she wants something more with me, I am not saying I still don't care deeply about N, what I am saying is that I can't put my life on hold for something that at the moment seems unlikely to develope into what I want it to. Another blogger used the word Surrender this week for a situation she is in, far worse than mine but I still relate to the use. I surrender my wanting a more intimate relationship with N. Surrender the fact that she isn't ready for one or doesn't want one with me. I surrender to the fact that I do want a loving relationship with someone in the near future. I am not saying I am going to go all horndog and start sniffing every skirt that is attractive, start having meaningless one night stands or doing the ugly 13th step boogie. What I am saying is that if I meet a woman at a meeting that I connect with and who seems interested in me I am going to pursue the possiblities further. My relationship with N has given me great insight into my own desires but has also helped me be more healthy spiritually when it comes to relationships. My Buddhist teachings tell me to practice compassion and unselfishness, something I have learned to do better, so that hopefully I will have the awareness to keep doing if another person enters my life, I been given new insight into both spiritual and recovery tools in concerns to relationships and I hope that I will continue to use these, I certainly plan on doing so, main thing is to keep the selfishness at bay. I know I probably sound like a stupid teenage boy in a lot of what I write but in a lot of ways I am. My heavy drinking started when I was a scared out of place kid, I never learned about the dating game and what little I know came from people who were having one night stands instead of commited relationships. What I want is a commited relationship, one that grows stronger, one that isn't based on lust, one that is based on mutual love and compassion. I got married to the first woman who had sex with me on a continual bases, unfortunately we had only known each other a couple of weeks before the sex started and by the time of the weddding I was so caught up in pleasing her and worried about her fragile mental health that I couldn't tell her that I didn't love her the way she loved me, it took 6 years of sick emotional termoil for it to end. Today I see the mistakes of the past, this is part of the reason I have been so patient in waiting to see if things with N would materialize beyond best friend status. It probably sounds silly but I am not getting any younger and I have spent the last 14 years alone and I want to start spending time with someone who will receive my affection and return it. With the help of God I can have healthy desires with out going overboard and creating misery, meetings and talking to my sponsor and others in recovery are part of keeping the balance for me. So a door in my life may have closed and I am in the hallway again but I am sure another door will open, not sure how soon but I have been educated by the closing of the last one so hopefully I am better equiped to handle the opening of the next whenever it happens.

Work is going really well!!! I will write about it in a day or so, new challenges there as well as new growth.

The sunlight if the Spirit is shining on me and I hope if is shining on you as well.

Peace Love and Light