Effects of alcohol on this alcoholic

If you haven't done so please check out my last post and look at the pictures of the cutest baby in Nebraska, not that grandpa is bias or anything.

Tonight I when to my usual Tuesday night meeting, it is one of the few I can make it to on a consistent bases, so far I haven't worker too many Tuesday nights, it is also the group I have chosen for a home group. The chair read a portion from the Doctors Opinion which as most of you know is one of my favorite parts of the Big Book. The sentence that stuck out to me as I listened to others was " Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol" as I listened I had one of those AHA moments. I came to a new understanding of this sentence and here is why. I have read and heard this sentence hundreds of times but somewhere in my still slightly wet brain I was mixing in the sentences from A Vision for You that read, " For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is the joyous intimacy with friends and the feeling that life is good." The first 2 pages of A Vision for You is my favorite passage from the Big Book. What I was doing was thinking that Dr. Silkworth was implying by "effects produced by alcohol" was the all the nice and happy feelings Bill wrote about in A Vision for You, which wasn't true in my case. There was a small portion of my drinking that was about being happy, joyous and the lot, mainly in my younger years but for me drinking was about being "numb" and comfortable in my own skin. The effect I sought was the effect of not having to feel any feelings, not look into my soul and see any damage I was doing, the effect created a facade so you wouldn't see inside me either. I drank to get drunk but not stupid, stumbling, commode hugging drunk, even though this was a pattern in the beginning, for the most part my tolerance was high enough that didn't happen very often, I had learned the art of getting drunk without puking finally and for 10 years I never did, but there were time when I wish I could have though. The meeting gave me another opportunity to really look at the effect I was wanting from alcohol. I love meetings like this, I personally need to reflect back on my drinking daze and the effects it had on my life. Don't you just love sitting in a room listening to others and nodding your head in comprehension of what some one else is saying, here are a few of the stories I identified with, stories that let me know I was in the right place tonight. One guy was just one day sober, he was coming back from a relapse, he talked about how lonely and miserable he felt the day after he got drunk, he was talking about the loneliness that few know. A woman talked about circus "of me and mine" that selfishness that is the life of an alcoholic. One guy told about how the first time he got drunk he puked really bad and the next day all he could think about was doing it all over again, I did this myself, puking never once made me not want to drink again. One guy talked about getting drunk from Boones Farm and another lady TJ Swann's, 2 of my favorite high grade wines, I don't they make TJ Swann's anymore but Mad Dog has more flavors than just grape now, I came to find out during the relapse years. Another woman remember that when she was young she would watch TV and see all these characters pouring drinks from decanters after work and thinking to herself I can't wait until I can do that, how many 8 or 9 year old's think that way not many but we alcoholics do and I was one of them, obsessed with alcohol at an early age. People also talked about the solution about being in meetings because they never wanted to go back to living the life they lived in active alcoholism, the cravings, the obsession, the misery. They talked about living life on life's terms. They talked about the psychic change and the spiritual experiences, most being of the educational variety, they talked about God or their Higher Power. Like always they shared their experience, strength and hope, another reason for going to meetings. We had some great laughs and a few very somber moments because this disease is deadly and we can never forget it nor can we take our sobriety for granted which a couple of newcomers reminded us of.

Peace Love and Light to all
Scott