The Road goes on forever and the Highway never ends!

Hey all. The chorus line from Robert Earl Keen's song struck me as a good title for a post. The road of life just keeps on going even on the dawn of a new year. The new year will bring with it new changes, new growth and new stubbed toes but it will keep on going, my part is to stay on the road, calm the mind and enjoy the scenery even if it gets desolate in places.

"If you want to make God laugh, tell It your plans", "you can plan the plan but don't plan the outcome", "my serenity is directly proportional to my expectations". So some of the things I wish to accomplish this year include buying a camper, getting on day shift either with this company or a new one, spending more weekends camping than I got to last year, taking a vacation east of the Mississippi, tilling up the ground on the west side of my trailer and seeing if I can get vegetables to grow. I hope these things materialize but if they don't my inter-peace will not be effected.

As long as I do the footwork to stay sober and clean I will continue spending quality time with my daughter, grand kids, family and friends. I will continue to my spiritual journey, with willingness I will gain more awareness, I will work on character defects and how they create blocks on the path of loving kindness and compassion. With willingness I will continue to work on selfishness and self centeredness, chipping away at the stone of ego and the big Me which is an illusion anyway. With willingness and a sober mind, I will continue to grasp a little more about non-self and the impermanence of everything.

Tonight there is a potluck and speaker meeting here, my friend Irish Brian is going to tell his story, Brian is a young Irish guy who immigrate to Nebraska to be with his girlfriend, I have heard bits and pieces of his story, it will be good to hear more of it. After this some of the Happy Campers and me are headed 45 miles east to a recovery dance, it is a good time to visit with people I only see a couple of times a year if that, this is the town I went to treatment in so maybe I will run into someone from treatment which would be a joy and blessing. We will finish the night out with a meal, watching all those who remind us of ourselves when we got drunk and went to a restaurant.

I think back on all the new years eves I spent holed up in my house, alone with my best friend the bottle. I was isolated and utterly miserable in my loneliness, the only thing I had to make me feel good was the booze. The booze brought on the delusion I didn't need anyone or was unworthy of love, it told me I was too ugly and weird to be a part of other peoples lives. I look back on that person now and see he was just like Gollum in Lord of the Rings. Gollum was obsessed with his Precious, the ring, I was obsessed with my Precious the bottle. Gollum's obsession lead to his death in fires of Mordor. My obsession lead me to a cold concrete floor with a steel door. Just for today I have a reprieve from my Precious. I live in a beauty shire, filled with love and laughter.

Well campers it is almost time to put the topping on the cheese cake, change into some nicer cloths, never know when I might catch some pretty woman's eye:-)

I hope all of us are able to accept the highway of life as it happens this year, that we find shelter in the storm and understand nothing is permanent, take the good with the bad, always have a song in our heart to sing and dance naked just because we can and it feels good.

Peace Love Light
Scott  

Mouse traps and other things

Hi all and hope you are doing well with the Christmas season.

First off I bought some live mouse traps. Living in a mobile home I live the typical mouse problem, little buggers find it much easier to get into a mobile home than a regular house. I really don't like killing things anymore, part of it is Buddhism, part of it is respect for all living things and how they have a right to live just as much as I do or my dog. Now I don't mind killing for food if ned be and can do it in case of emergency, say the world as we know it comes to an end, I haven't hunted or fished in years. Now my furry little friends haven't started gnawing on food as far as I can tell, haven't got to the bread or dried goods but they leave their droppings everywhere, kitchen counter, in cupboards, on floor etc. I really didn't want to kill them with snap or glue traps, so I went to a farm supply store to see if there was such a thing as a live mouse trap and yup there is. The trap is a metal box with 2 one way doors on it, you put peanut butter, best mouse bait, in the box, they go for the bait and can't get back out. They are working really well, I catch and then take them to work with me, the plant I work in is on the edge of town with fields on both sides, I release the mice there. They can either find there way into the plant, which doesn't put out poison, hopeless cause in a big plant or they can take their chances with the hawks and owls, hey the hawks and owls need food too. The first couple I caught drove the dog nuts, she kept waiting for them to get out, not sure if she wanted to kill them or just mess with them. It feels good to find a peaceful solution to this problem.

Paula posted a poem about hearing a bird sing in winter. Another change which has happened to me via spirituality is my tending of the birds. When my dad retired he started keeping bird feeders around and watching birds, I never saw what the big deal was all about. I couple of years ago I bought my first feeder and now I make sure it stays full. During the summer I was visited by starlings, doves, black birds and the odd blue jay. Now all that are left are the starlings, I suppose there are at least 20 of them hanging around my house. It may seem weird but I can sense their joy in having food to eat, beside the seed I also crumble up bread for them when it starts to get too dry for my taste, which is usually about 4 slices out of a loaf and the heels. I now understand my dad's simple pleasure in seeing them every day, I call them my little friends. Another interesting thing is the starlings don't eat the sunflower seeds or cracked corn, they scratch it out on to the ground, the squirrels come and eat the corn and sunflower seeds, plus the squirrels found a way to get into the food tote, well they did until I secured the lid.

I told someone my getting sober and changing my way of living was an accident, it was and it wasn't. I didn't want to get sober and live a life alcohol free when I went to treatment. I was in heavy denial about alcohol and my selfish nature being the root cause of all my problems. I was so sick I couldn't fathom a life with out my daily consumption of beer even though I had lived a life alcohol free for 9 years. On the other hand I was whipped, I was tired of being afraid all the time, I was tired of the disappointment and heartache I was causing those closest to me. When I entered treatment I was beat down enough to accept surrender and willing to change my life. It was this willingness which brought about the psychic change. I didn't accidental admit myself into the treatment center, I did it out of sheer emotional pain. I don't know if some form of God played a role in this, if it did it was the God of internal conscience telling me I couldn't go on living the way I was or if I did I was destine for worse things to happen. I do believe the force of love, kindness and hope found in the rooms of AA and NA kept me moving forward. I do believe that when people who share a common problem get together to find a common solution based on loving kindness and compassion there is a divine presence which helps all who are willing to do the foot work, reach out to others and share in the name of loving kindness and compassion. I have seen these types of groups work in the lives of others not just alcoholics and addicts. So I guess there are no real accidents, there are situations in life which happen which either cause us to look for solutions or to keep on living in sickness and self destruction.

Anyway those are just a couple of things which I have been on my mind. It is 12:30am and I need to get to bed, I wasn't tired when I started typing but now I am, guess I need to get this out to quiet a bit of the old brain.

Peace Love Light

Scott

Everything is good or normal

Hi all, thought I would try and write a post just to update you all on what is going on here. Angel is sitting on the couch beside me, watching Quest for Camelot. I had her and Carter yesterday, Mich picked up Carter at 10:00pm and Angel spent the night, which is what usually happens because she doesn't want to go home. The kids are doing well, Angel is in the stage of telling papa he is going to buy her every toy she sees advertise on t.v. or if the toy is a boys toy then I am going to buy it for Carter. Carter is doing really well, so far he hasn't had any congestion or infections, last year at this time he had a lot of respiratory and ear infections, hopefully his immune system is getting up to normal.

I have all the kids presents bought, bought a couple of joint presents because Carter tends to play with Angels stuff more than the things you buy for him. He will be 2 on January 3rd, I had to find a birthday present for him as well as Christmas presents, wanted something special for him since I get Angel something special for her birthday, finally found an elephant which shoots small balls out of it's trunk, it will help him with hand/eye coordination. I might get a poolside room at a local motel on the 2nd of Jan for his birthday, I have the day off, so thinking of having a pool party for his birthday.

Bought Mich a pretty necklace which has "You are my sunshine" engraved on it, I will wrap it and put Angel and Carter's name on it. She needs a good vacuum cleaner so that is my present to her. I also bought a new laptop and will give her my old one. She starts college classes in January so will need a computer for school work, my laptop blew a memory board last winter, so it is only running on 1 board makes it slow but will work good enough for her. I am glad she is finally starting classes, the longer she waits the harder it would be to start. It will be rough balancing a part time job and taking care of the kids but she sounds determined, also she has back with Carter's dad and he will help watch the kids.

I am having Christmas dinner at my house. Since Christmas is on a Sunday, I will go to my home group meeting at 11am like normal, then my mom, Mich and kids will come over around 1pm. Not sure whether I will bake a ham or do prime rib, depends on if I can find a small prime rib. I don't care much for turkey and neither does Mich. None of my siblings will be around this year and my niece and nephews will be at their dads house. Actually it will be nice to have just a small family gathering, in the past we have always went to a family members for Christmas.

I bought a Suburban. My Explorer isn't in the best of shape, has a weak cylinder, plus other odds and ends which need fixed. One of Mich's friends is going to buy it from me. I bought Suburban because it will pull a camper without any problems. I should be able to get a good older camper this spring, like I said before, storms and the tent are getting to be a pain in the butt. I am also planning to take a vacation east in late September or early October. I have never really been east of the Mississippi, accept to northern Florida. This years trip to Idaho got me thinking about going east for a week or so, just take off with the dog and go. Of course this is all tentative, but if I start focusing on it I can put the money aside for the trip.

Work is going alright. We had 1 operator quit, so it is just the guy who trained me and myself running the machines at night. They are starting to look for help since we really start getting busy after the first of the year. It would be nice to start training new people now when we don't have parts needing bent stacked up all over the place.

So this is the excitement in my life, enjoying the lack of drama but as we all know things can change over night.

Peace Love and Light

Scott

5 years

End of the Line

by Warren Hayes

And now the gravity of trouble was more than I could bear,
At times my luck was so bad, I had to fold my hands,
Almost lost my soul, rarely I could find my head,
Wake up early in the morning, feeling nearly dead.

I was never afraid of danger, took trouble on the chin,
Mountains I have climbed, that have killed a thousand men,
Spent most of my lifetime downtown, sleepin' behind the wheel,
Never needed anybody, I was king of the hill.

Oh, when I think about the old days,
Lord, it sends chills up and down my spine,
Yeah life ain't what it seems, on the boulevard of broken dreams,
Guess I opened my eyes in the nick of time,
'Cause it sure felt like the end of the line.

No matter how hard I run, I just can't get away
I try to do my best, but the devil gets in my way
Spent most of my lifetime downtown, sleepin' behind the wheel
'Till it all came down to kill or be killed

Oh, when I think about the old days,
Lord, it sends chills up and down my spine,
Yeah life ain't what it seems, on the boulevard of broken dreams,
Guess I opened my eyes in the nick of time,
'Cause it sure felt like the end of the line.

These are the lyrics to an Allman Brothers/Government Mule song which pretty much sum up where I was at 5 years ago.

First a little humor. I walked into Mich's house last week and she asked if I use the word son-of-a-bitch because her roommate and her don't. Seems Angel was doing something and got frustrated and said son-of-a-bitch, which took Mich and roommate by surprise. Here's the thing, this has been past down from my dad, it was one of his favorite expletives, so my dad is still here and pasting on his ways to another generation. Still papa needs to pay closer attention to the words he uses and his actions, there are 2 mini me's in life, little ones who love their papa and mimic him because he is soo cool :-)

So for the second time in my life I have 5 years of sobriety today, it was 5 years ago I checked myself into a treatment center because my life had spiraled out of control and I wanted to get control back. When I told my family I was going to treatment my intent wasn't to get sober but to get the heat of the family, job and law off my ass. The Doctors Opinion in the Big Book talks about a psychic change taking place and this is what happened to me after a couple of days in treatment. Part of this happened by rereading We Agnostics and getting spiritually grounded and having a 2x4 hit me upside the head reminding me that AA is about finding a God of our own understanding and not someone else's, even if they are trying to persuade you to accept their God, this was part of my fall out with the fellowship.

This year started out with the breakup of my relationship with Lady B, it hurt but accepted nothing is permanent. Understood the reasons and moved on. Understood I was probably more in love with the companionship and intimacy than the core her and life style she lived with her son.

Lost the job I really loved in January, this really hurt. It took a while to get over my hurt feelings toward the executive director, I understood what I did wrong but still felt she was overreacting. But I was wrong for writing about other peoples personal lives on my blog which is a public format. A couple of weeks ago she sent me an email apologizing for what happened, how she was in a bad place and listening to people who didn't have her best interest and my words were just to blatantly honest at the time for her to accept. I wrote back saying all was good and had turned out for the best.

Because I lost my job I moved back to my adopted home town, Kearney. Losing the job was a blessing in disguise. I now live close to my daughter and grand kids, plus back with my old AA group and friends.

My moving prompted my mom to move back to Kearney also, she is much happier in her little apartment, she has other older women to spend time with, her youngest sister gladly helps her out and they enjoy spending time together, my mom has a lot less stress in her life now, another blessing which happened with me getting fired.

I learned to humble myself a lot when I took the job of doing manual labor bending steel for 10 hours a night, 5 to 6 days a week. I learned it didn't matter how much management experience I have, there are better qualified people out there for the jobs I have applied for. I have a steady income which pays the bills and provides me with a bit extra when there is a bunch of overtime. I have learned to handle the sore muscle and accept them. I have learned to and continue to learn acceptance of supervisors who in my opinion are poor managers, all I am responsible for is doing my job to the best of my ability.

I have enjoyed plenty of yard work, something I missed living in an apartment. I have gone camping a few times. I built a shed, even though it isn't perfect, I took the time and used the appropriate tools and materials to make it the best shed I could with the skills I have. I put up a Christmas tree for the first time in a lot of years, I did this for my kids because for me Christmas is about joy in children's faces and not commercialism.

I got into a weird short relationship and learned something from it. This relationship caused me to really reach out to my backup sponsor for help and take a close look at how I react to those things in life which upset me at a deep intellectual and spiritual level. I have also had to look closely at me relationship with those I work with and find ways to accept them for being who they are. My new mantra is "yeah like you are so damn perfect" this makes me step back and smile at my arrogance and ego/selfishness.

I cried at a meeting when I felt over joyed with the knowledge I can spend 4 hours between the time I get up and the time I go to work without picking up a drink. In the last years of my drinking I could not , not drink when I had idol time. I am filled with joy and gratitude that when I come home at night sometimes very sore, I reach for a can of soda or bottle of water instead of a beer. I no longer need to self medicate with alcohol neither do I take a bunch of over the counter drugs to ease the pain.

Some have had a hell of a lot worse year then I have but still I am grateful that through all the low lows and highs I haven't picked up a drink, the compulsion and obsession has been removed, so long as I stay spiritually fit.

What is different about this 5 year mark than the last? My first time around I never really found a spiritual way of life. Today I practice spiritual principles to the best of my ability on a daily bases. Meetings are not enough for me, I need a spiritual path in life. I have also been more willing to share what is really going on deep inside with others. I have embraced living in the moment, focusing on the here and now, do the dishes, bend the steel, I have learned to breath when anxious, I am not perfect at any of this but I work on it and my life is wonderful when I do so.

Thanks to all my blogger friends for sharing their experience, strength, hope and lives with me, I learn much from each of you, you bring me joy and insight.

Peace Love Light

Scott

Thoughts on Inner Child

Hey all, seems like time is really flying along, one day it was sandals and t-shirts the next it is boots and jacket, plus holidays fast approaching.

A couple of you have been blogging about the "inner child" which is an odd coincidence because this summer I bought a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called "Reconciliation, healing the inner child". Even though I feel comfortable and forgiving about the circumstances in which I was raised; lack of emotional stimulation and affection, mental and physical abuse, I thought there maybe more I needed to look at, plus Thich always has some great nuggets for better awareness practice. Here is a passage from the book I really like,

"I wouldn't want to send my friends and children to a place where there's no suffering, because in such a place they'd have no opportunity to learn to cultivate understanding and compassion. The Buddha said if we haven't suffered, there's no way we can learn. If the Buddha arrived at full enlightenment, it's because he suffered a lot. We have to come to the Buddha with all our suffering. Suffering is the path. It's through our suffering that we can see the path of enlightenment, compassion and love. It's by looking deeply into the nature of sorrow, our pain, our suffering, that we can discover the way out. If we don't know what suffering is, there's no way we can go to the Buddha, and we'll have no chance to touch peace, to touch love. It is exactly because we have suffered that now we have an opportunity to recognize the path leading to liberation, love and understanding."

Please translate the part about going to the Buddha into what ever makes sense to you. I feel this passage really puts suffering into perspective. Whether I am suffering from the effects of my youth, my alcoholism/addiction, relationship problems, character defects or life on life's term's . It is through suffering I have the opportunity to grow, to learn to better love, show better compassion and understanding.

I have accepted my parents as being the way there were because they were effected by there parents and ancestors, I have to learn to recognize that how I treat my daughter and my grand kids is a reflection of my ancestors as well but in recognizing this I can break the chain of wrongful parenting and suffering.

The kicker is the emotional wounds from others who abused me growing up haven't healed. It is seeing others who remind me of the abuses of my youth which cause my inner child to resurface.

As a kid I was bullied a lot, some by jocks and some by older kids who in hindsight were probably dealing with their own insecurities so they picked on scrawny younger kids. The jocks were the verbal bullies, always saying how big of wuss you were, laughing at your awkwardness and lack of coordination, intimidating you during the ugly and mandatory P.E classes. Side note; I went to a school were the whole population of 7th thru 12th grade was under 150 students, the few kids who were not socially accepted were shunned and picked on, it was worse for boys than girls because boys were expected to play sports all 6 years whether you were good or not. I didn't play sports, I don't have an athletic bone in my body, nor was I ever big enough physically. I could read and comprehend what I read, find insight in literature and the arts, understood and had compassion for social and environment injustices but that didn't count for anything as far as how you were treated by your peers. Most of my friends turned to alcohol and drugs as a means to be a somebody, to feel comfortable in our own skin, some out grew this others like me are alcoholic/addicts.

At work the welders are like the bullies of the plant, they are led by a guy I suspect was an ex-jock. They pick on the non-Caucasians and anyone who doesn't fit into their neat little box of what a man working in a manufacturing plant should be like. Most of this talk is behind backs but of course but it isn't hard to figure out these guys have contempt for people who aren't like them, it is in their attitudes and how they interact with others. They sit in the break room and are loud and obnoxious, make derogatory/vulgar remarks about different races, religions, homosexuals, Democrats and anyone else they dislike.

I have had a few run ins with the welders this week, mainly the leader of the clique. I really dislike these guys and have a lot of contempt for them. The run ins have made me reflect on why have such contempt and dislike. Enter the inner child. The inner child is comparing these grown men to the guys who use to mess with me as a kid, he doesn't fear any physical violence but fears not being able to counter their smart ass remarks with strong enough words to shut them up, remember I suck at quick and witty responses and dislike overly aggressive people. So how does the inner child deal with these people? He displays a sense of arrogance, he displays aloofness and he keeps his contact with them as limited as possible. Now maybe to some people this isn't a bad thing but for someone trying to live a principled life it is.

I need to acknowledge how my sick actions effect my ability to show love, kindness and compassion to all people. The Dalai Lama says the hardest people to show loving kindness and compassion to are our enemies, oh how true this is. I am no better that the bullies when I use intellect as a weapon of superiority. My talents are more cranial than physical but this doesn't make me better than them, yet in my arrogance I think it does and I put off an air to let them know so.

Thich's words are helping me understand how the inner child surfaces in different areas of my life, how the hurt little boy still wants protection. He is also teaching me how to heal the wounds and comfort the little boy, to speak to him and tell him the wrongs of the past can't hurt him now. Thich also keeps reiterating the linage of wrongs we all carry, that sickness is pasted on generation to generation and how we need to end the suffering by showing others loving kindness and compassion whether they return it or not. He talks about how to deal with being hurt by someone close to us and how to get rid of the resentments. I know this sounds a lot like the passage on acceptance from the Big Book, but Thich is going a bit deeper. What I need to do is try my best on a daily bases to work on loving kindness and compassion, especially towards those who remind me of the people who hurt the inner child. I have to be aware of how my inner child will react with bitter cruelty to any who see it sees as a threat. If people dislike me it is probably because my actions effect the inner child in them, maybe they were jealous of the kids who were smarter than them, who think outside the box, who experience life more fully because they are not afraid of people who are different than them, or things which are foreign and new. We may not wish to be like each other but maybe the fears which cause our actions come from the same place? I read this book during my lunch break, so some of the words smack me right between the eyes, which is sometimes the best way for me to take an honest look at my thoughts and actions, plus keeps everything in perspective when my mind starts going places it shouldn't since running the machine can get very boring, just focus on breathing, moment at hand, use breathing exercise based on loving kindness, compassion, getting rid of self.

Anyway those are me thoughts. I hope all are doing well. I am happy to read how some of my friends are accepting life on life's terms, your words help keep me grounded and also make me smile. Love you all!

Peace Love Light and a special Namaste

Scott

New service position

HI all, to those on the east coast hope you didn't get hit too bad by the snow, didn't read anything on the news about Virginia and West Virginia so I think a few of you who live there got lucky this time. Our time is coming just don't know when, so far it has been nice.

Saturday we held elections for our AA district, the turn out was low due to the Nebraska vs Michigan St football game and the current D.C.M (District Committee Member) isn't very well liked in the district. Since I have moved back to Kearney I have attended district meetings even though I don't hold a committee position. Those who read my blog know how I feel about service work.

The responsibilities of the DCM are; represent the district at area meetings (in our case the whole state of Nebraska) they take to voice of the local AA to area and vote on issues in accordance to the voice of the local members, they chair district business meeting, support ideas of local members, communicate with the groups, make sure events are posted in a timely manner and try to generate involvement in AA as a whole. There is also an alternate DCM, who assist the DCM and attends area meetings if the DCM can't make it. Next we have secretary, treasurer and committee positions.

The majority of the people doing district service work have been doing it for years but over the last couple of years some younger people are coming into the fold. My friend Jeremy who is the treasurer and I were talking about how the district has become a bit stagnant because the older members don't connect with the younger members.

General rule of thumb is for the alternate DCM to become the next DCM. The current alternate is also not very well respected in local meetings, she is a very sweet lady but her and her husband tend to get a bit preachy and not keep their personal spirituality out of meetings, this is part of the problem with the DCM also, they both tend to imply more of a Christian God, instead of the God of the individual members understanding.

Prior to the meeting Jeremy was going to nominate me for treasurer which I was fine with if that is where the others wanted me to be. Jeremy had decided not to take another AA service position since he is involved in NA service work as well. We got to the meeting and found out the alternate is moving to northern Nebraska in January, out of our district.

I was elected DCM. Jeremy was nominated and elected alternate DCM, the reason for this was; a lady said Jeremy and I seem to work well together, Jeremy accepted the position. Jeremy and I are kind of the spearheads for local young people, we are the instigators for the camp-outs, try and take people to recovery events and gets events started, we have also both been involved in talking to the public about AA and recovery.

My niece who has 3 years sobriety was elected secretary, this is her first time doing service work at the district level. She is another young person who tries to get others involved. The guy elected for treasurer is new to district service work. We have 2 other people new to service work filling committee positions. Our corrections committee member rolled over her position and will be doing it for another 2 years, she is finally making some headway at the local jail, she enjoys area meetings and wants try and improve corrections in our area. To everyone's surprise the Public Information committee member rolled over too, he didn't get along with the past DCM but since his primary job is making sure meeting cards are updated and printed, he said he would continue, the job wasn't that hard and was comfortable with the procedure, he also has a good rapport with Jeremy and myself.

So our district has some new blood. We are younger for the most part, more liberal in some ways but with a deep respect for the Traditions. I told my sponsor, I don't know how much change we can bring about, this is up to the Divine but we bring a new enthusiasm to the district, we have a connection younger members and younger people in general, my sponsor agreed with this statement. Jeremy, Kristin (my niece) and I all would like to generate some events to bring people together, for fun and fellowship, to show people there is more to recovery than just going to meetings. All we can do is the footwork, we can serve the district to the best of our ability, you can lead a drunk to water but you can make him or her drink. Our sponsors and a few other older members have faith and hope in us, which is nice to have, they have offered their guidance and support. We will listen to the group conscience as it is expressed because we are their voice, we may have our own agenda's but our service is to the district and AA as a whole, we are but humble servants and when our ego's get inflated they will be deflated by the reminder that we are just 1 part of the greater whole.

I am honored to be the new DCM and hope I can serve the district and the fellowship well. I am grateful to have Jeremy, Kristin and the others with me I feel we are a good team, we will keep each other grounded and offer each other support. I am grateful for my sponsors and others who have taught me what service work is all about, the successes and failures.

Well I have the day off, Angel is here, she spent the night. I need to shower, then we are going outside to do a bit more work on the shed, yes it isn't finished yet, 95% done, I need to caulk some of the places where the panels aren't quite tight, the last thing to do is build a door. I am going with Mich and the kids Trick or Treating tonight, it will be fun watching them get candy. Angel is going as Snow White and Carter is a cow, we are taking them over to great grandma's before we hit the streets.

Hope all is going well with everyone.

Peace Love Light

Scott

There and back plus a bit more

This is a picture of the elusive western Jackalope , Jackalope are native to only Wyoming and eastern Idaho, rarely photographed or captured.

This is a summary of the trip to Idaho, plus some other thoughts and stuff which have happen over the last few days. I woke up at 10:00am Tuesday morning, worked 4:30pm to 3:00am Wednesday morning, didn't go to sleep because I had to pick my mom up at 6am and then Angel, I drove until 8pm Wednesday night, about 800 miles, yup one long day. I was leery of letting mom drive because her eye was bothering her plus I don't really trust her driving in truck traffic and high winds, she just can't make quick decision anymore. I stopped every couple of hours to stretch, smoke, bathroom breaks if needed and I also kept my coffee cup filled. I drove as far as the first big town in Idaho, Montpelier, town of about 2500. All 3 of us were glad to be done for the day. We got to my aunts house around 3pm on Thursday.

Having a portable DVD player in the car was a God sent, I had bought a 2 disc set of old Loony Tune cartoons and Angel watched them over an over, plus she looked at and colored in the color books, when she got tired she let me know, turn off the player and crashed. I was concerned she wouldn't go with my mom to the bathroom but for the most part she was good about going potty with great grandma. She has only been potty trained for a few months but she is excellent about it, she never had an accident and even though we brought Pull-ups along for her to sleep in she was dry the next morning, I didn't want her wetting the motel beds or my aunts bed. My mom got the biggest kick out of Angel breaking out into laughter in the back seat over something she found funny on the videos. Angel was good as gold on the drive out and back, the only problem was her wanting suckers for stores and papa refusing to buy her one, big screaming fit which only last a few minutes.

Having my mom in the car wasn't too bad, we visited off and on, didn't talk too much about anything important. A couple of times on the way out and back she would bring up family members who had drug or alcohol problems, I tried to explain the obsession of addiction but like most people she just couldn't grasp how once a person drinks or uses their mental thinking and reasoning completely changes and we do things even when we know deep down inside it is wrong. A few times she would repeat the same things over but I am use to this, heard some of the story many times and just blow it off, she doesn't realize what she is doing, so I just let her talk. The one thing which did concern me was her over use of Benadryl, mom has fought allergies and sinus pressure her whole life, she has also become addicted to over the counter medicines and is probably immune to Benadryl and a couple of others, complains they don't seem to work yet will not go to the doctor for something which will work, medical expense have been something my parents tried to avoid, so even with insurance she and I are both reluctant to go to the doctor unless we are very sick, crazy mind set which is hard to break.

My aunt is doing fairly well for a woman of 86, she is on oxygen but gets around pretty well. She has home health care come in once a day, they check on her plus clean her house and do odd jobs for her. Mentally she is much sharper than mom. She is worried about my mom but knows there isn't too much which can be done. My mom's hearing even with aids isn't very good, which adds to confusion, my aunt really picked up on this, plus mom being tired a lot. Having said this they had a good visit still. Angel was very well behaved at my aunts house, didn't mess with all my aunts pretty things, my aunt got a kick out of her and I think Angel kind of help keep things going at times. I had a good visit with my aunt, asked some questions about my moms family on things I didn't know or quite understand. My moms dad died in 1954 and I didn't have a clear understanding of him, mom and I talked about her family as well while traveling. We had a beautiful drive in the mountains on Saturday, 200 mile jaunt, it was a perfect fall day, leaves were just starting to change colors, the air was crisp but not cold.

Angel and my mom bonded really well, this is what my mom was hoping for. Angel would play with grandma, try and talk to her as best as she could. Angel only sees my mom once every 6 weeks or so, so even though Angel knows grandma, she hasn't been that close to her, this trip made them much closer.

One last thing about my mom, even though she has some problems mentally and physically, she is very capable of doing things in her apartment without assistance. She is use to being on her own, it is only when others are around does she get overly confused or flustered, cooking, cleaning and taking care of herself are second nature and something she doesn't have to think about. My moms youngest sister and I keep a close eye on things and will know if and when the time comes for a different living arrangement for her. She is also able to drive herself during non busy hours or she will drive to my aunts house and let my aunt take her shopping, she understands her limitations when it comes to driving. The main reason she wants to continue to drives is so she can go to church and the occasional appointment to the doctor.

My stomach is getting better, still some slight pain which I will have to get checked out in a week or so if it doesn't go away. Wednesday, first day home, I got up and drank a pot of coffee plus had half a pot in the afternoon, prior to this I hadn't drank a whole lot of coffee, even driving I was only sipping on it, maybe only 4 big cups a day. Well Wednesday night at work I wasn't feeling very good, realized the coffee may be the problem, plus I ate super nacho's with meat for lunch, ended up throwing up at work, which made me feel well enough to finish out the night. Thursday I only drank half a pot of coffee and ate peanut butter sandwiches, felt a lot better. I repeated this on Friday. So the process of elimination is telling me, I have to lay off drinking so much of my beloved coffee, freaking downer man. I have laid off the coffee over this weekend plus kept my food fairly bland, both seem to help. Damn it sucks getting old:)

Yesterday we had a small AA workshop. My sponsor spoke, he talked a lot about stepping outside of his comfort zone, something he has been doing for 28 years in recovery. I reflected a lot on what he was saying and how he has taught me to do the same. He said he would rather be a fly on the wall but has learned what has help him grow the most spiritually in recovery has been getting outside the comfort zone. By this I mean, talking to people I don't know, speaking when I really am afraid to, putting aside my fear of being judged, going places where I only know a few people if any at all. My first instinct when walking into a big meeting or speaker meeting is to sit in the back of the room but he taught me to sit closer to the front. He taught me do service work when asked, praying for strength and guidance, by doing this I have spoken to crowds of people without messing my pants, saying what is in my heart and being o.k. with it. We are both shy by nature but have learned and are continuing to learn that it is by stepping outside of our comfort zones that has allowed us to serve the newcomer and AA as a whole better. This has also brought about a stronger trust in my Higher Power and benefits of practicing the Dharma to the best of my ability. When I get into a situation which scares me, mediation and breathing calm my mind. It really amazes me how I am able to do some of the things I do, how I have overcome some of my fears. Yesterday I had one of those moments of sincere gratitude, gratitude in knowing the 12 steps and spiritual principles are doing for me what I can't do for myself and making my life a whole lot better in the process.

Speaking of gratitude. I am grateful I was able to take my mom on this trip, to spend quality time with her, my aunt and Angel. I wasn't craving a beer at the end of a long drive, nor guzzling beer in the hotel or a bar on the way just so I could relax and sleep. I was totally there in the nature of the landscape we drove through even the desolate places. I was in the moment with my mom in the car, I played music for relaxation and not to escape conversation. I wasn't worried about getting pulled over by the few highway patrol cars we saw. My aunt drank her normal 2 mixed drinks before bed and I didn't feel the urge to join her, didn't have a craving for an artificial social lubricant. I use to have to drink to feel comfortable talking to people, today I don't. I am grateful I am able to get out of self, get in a car and take an 82 year old lady on what may be her last trip to see her big sister, yes I enjoyed the trip but it wasn't about me this time, not like camping is about me, something deep down inside told me to do it, I believe it was the 11Th step in action.

Well friends it is after midnight and I have a long day ahead of me, my Facebook friends will know why, so I better get to bed.

Peace Love and Light

Scott