A little sadness

While Lady B lays sleeping, catching up on some much needed rest I will peck out a quick post and free my head a bit. I talk things out but writing seems to help a lot too. The more I let things out the less power they have over me, the more I see the emotions for what they are and the easier it is to find the middle path with them.

We are in Lincoln, we came down yesterday afternoon. We have packed up about 3/4 of the house. Lady B took on the kitchen while I worked on the shed. All the books are packed, all the nick knacks and keep sake, now just the music and odds and ends. I am going to load up the car with something to take back to Kearney, then on to North Platte Thursday when we move mom there, she has a nice big shed I can store stuff in. Lady B talked me into dumpster diving for boxes, I bought some from U Haul and she freaked out, told me to go to the recycle bins and get them, which I did. Some reason I really hate asking for boxes at stores, just feel ashamed to ask for them, there is a sickness with my pride and low self esteem in there somewhere.

Yesterday between 5-6pm we got a call from Mich. The cops where called on her for alleged child abuse. Angel had a couple of unusual bruises and a bit mark that Mich couldn't explain, so the police and child protective services where called. One of the bruises was over a week old from when she took a tumble on the concrete, the other one was from her having a temper tantrum and banging her head on the floor. Mich thinks the bit mark comes from one of the kids she was playing with. When Mich called she was upset and they where taking Angel to the ER to check her out. At around 10pm Mich called again and said they were going to take Angel into protective custody. Lady B and I throw on out clothes and hauled ass to Omaha. When we got to Omaha the x-ray's and cat scan had all been done and didn't show anything. One would think that this would be enough to allow Angel to go back with Mich but it wasn't. CPS had an emergency foster care lady there and would not allow Angel to come with Lady B and me or return to Mich's care. They said they need to do a background check on us first and also since I was in between house that I didn't have a stable home right now. Also that they wanted Angel and Mich to see each other every day, which isn't easy with what I have going on this week. Lady B and I asked and suggested everything question possible to try and find a way for Angel to go with us. We told them Angel was going through some hard times right now and she was just showing her confusion and anger the only way a 20 month knows how. None of this worked and Angel was taken, it broke my heart big time. Monday Angel will be examined by a doctor who specializes in child abuse to determine if Mich was telling the truth which I believe she is because Mich isn't violent and also she is very protective of Angel. If the doctor says the bruise our just normal toddler bruises then Mich gets Angel back but still has to be monitored until a judge makes his final ruling, which could take a couple of weeks. Because of this Mich is also limited on seeing Carter and has to be monitored when she is with them.

I can't worry too much about all of this. I can do the footwork needed though. Lady B and I both gave the CPS worker all our information, so that they can run a background checks on us and Lady B's house can be checked out as a place for Angel to live if need be until I have my apartment in North Platte. We just have to trust that this is a mistake and CPS will see this. Mich is livid with the over zealous nurse who turned this in, the nurse was just going her job. Mich has to keep her mouth shut during all of this, she was F-bombing all over the place last night, which probably looked bad. I am sure that when Mich dumped Carter's father and then started hanging out with another guy this gave a bad impression on the nursing staff. Mich also has an attitude about the assistance they are trying to give her, she says she knows how to take care of an infant and doesn't need their advice.

Even though it doesn't sound like it, we where there for Mich also. She needed our presents and support. We gave her all the love and strength we could.

I am grateful that Lady B and I where in Lincoln yesterday when all this went down, so that we where able to make it to Omaha in 45 minutes instead of 3 hours. Like Lady B said we need to be there as adult voices for Angel's best interest even if we didn't get our way, at least we tried and made a presents, one the young CPS worker note and wasn't able to bully like she was going with Mich. We where calm but assertive. Lady B and I both know people in CPS in other counties and will be in touch with them Monday as well as pressing to get the report from the doctor ASAP so we know what is going on. The lady I am going to start working for can help me also.

So even if I am a bit said to see my baby Angel under more confusion and stress, I am somewhat at peace. I know she is safe, that this shouldn't last very long. Mich only has a couple more weeks in Omaha, so even if for some reason Angel can't return to her, Angel can come live with me. I will bust my butt to make sure of this.

Still waiting for the official job hiring, plus there was a hiccup with the apartment, I had to have my mom co-sign, my old landlord was pissed because I broke the lease and said some negative and untrue things about me being late on rent, I was never over 6 days late but he said I was 10 days late a few times. Pissed me off but nothing I could do about it. If all goes well I will be in North Platte in 2 weeks. I have mom's move Wednesday and Thursday. I just keep pulling myself back to living in the moment whether it is the mess with Mich and Angel, the delay with the job or hiccups with an apartment.

Well Lady B is up and she has started cleaning, so I need to get my butt in gear.

Peace Love and Light to ALL
Scott

Short update

These are photo's from the upcoming movie "Lawn Ornament Hell". This is an actual apartment complex in North Platte Nebraska. I had made an appointment to see an apartment here over the phone, Lady B and I pulled up 10 minutes early for the appointment and spent those 10 minutes laughing our asses off. We had never seen so many lawn ornaments in our lives in a yard, there were small creatures, cartoon and TV figures, bridges, benches and all kinds of stuff. The inside was just as bad, there were cherubs on the walls leading up to the apartment, also the walls were covered with all kinds of stuff, every inch of the hot water heater had a frig magnet on it, the laundry room was painted purple and yellow. The only way to describe this place was surreal. There is no way an active alkie or doper could live there, they would just freak out. The landlady was very sweet and I am sure it is good place for someone to live but not me.

I am still in limbo, waiting for the background check from the state patrol to come back so I can get my job officially. This delay has worked in my favor because I have been able to help mom out with getting ready for her move. I have an apartment locked in, probably move the last weekend of the month. My days are up and down, I try to stay busy, cook, clean and do laundry for Lady B. Also hitting a meeting every couple of days.

Things are still going well with Lady B. I am having to remember how selfish a spoiled 8 year old can be. Lady B's son isn't that much different than Mich was at this age, basically Lady B made some of the same mistakes I did in compensating for having the other parent be still messed up and having spent time being messed up also. Lady B is doing her best and working on correcting some of the problems in a consistent but slow manner, not going over board and creating more troubles.

I had a good Easter. I had Angel over the weekend, Mich and her new boyfriend came down Sunday afternoon. We had Easter at Lady B's mom's with her sister and kids. It was a good time and I like her family.

Nothing really else. I keep stopping when I need to, breathing and reflecting, seeking awareness and a connection with the God of my understanding.

Hope all of you are well. I will try to comment on post and messages as soon as I can. I don't like hanging out at Lady B's work for too long and I am still not into this going to a restaurant and going on line, just seems strange to me plus I am uncomfortable stilling alone in a restaurant typing on a laptop, guess this is just one of those fears I am unwilling to face and do something about.

Peace Love and Light

Carter and other things

Here are some pictures of Carter. Sunday was the first time I was able to hold him, he is very sweet. He smiled at me while I was talking to him. He is so tiny it is rather strange holding him, he is light at a feather it seems like. As far as we know he has no health problems. As of right now he will be coming home around April 21st which is his original due date. There are a lot of people who can't wait to see him.

I am still spending most of my time in Kearney at Lady B's house. Things are going really well with us. We are finding that we are very compatible together. We respect each other and accept that if one of us is having an off moment it is nothing personal. As for her son, we talk about him and how his father is effecting his behavior. It helps me to understand him better knowing that his father is very sick and selfish and this is mimicked by him. For the most part he is a good kid, I just have to remember how an 8 year old acts. I don't correct him a lot, most of the time I wait for Lady B to correct him if she feels it is needed, when I do say something it is done in a calm but assertive manner, just enough for him to know that what he is doing is wrong. I talk to Lady B about him and she does the same, once again this is done with respect and an openness that allows for understanding.

I have the job as a family advocate, right now we are waiting for the background check from the state patrol to be returned. There shouldn't be any troubles with the check. I will probably start working 19th of April. I am very excited about starting work, this period of unemployment has sucked, I am just not use to not working. Thank my God literally that I have Lady B and moving my mom in my life right now, they give me a purpose and something to keep me occupied. I see Mich once a week and take Angel every other week also, I am going to pick her up tomorrow for Easter weekend. Mich will come down on the weekend and get her.

Lady B and I checked out apartments yesterday. I found a nice one in my price range and in a good neighborhood. I now have to wait for the application to be accepted.

Waiting has been a huge part of this whole out of work gig. Breathing and living in the moment has helped but I still get a bit down. I know this whole situation has made and is making me stronger. Most of us know that growth periods are things that make us stronger but aren't always the most fun to go through. This period of time has been a chance to put awareness into more action from a different direction than before. There are so many areas of our lives that we need to be aware of but for me I am not aware until the need for awareness arises.

Well campers, my brain is starting to run down. I hope you all are well, smiling at the beauty that is living in this day.

Peace Love and Life
Scott

Rainbow in the Clouds

You are all in luck I am using the laptop key board instead of my regular keyboard so I won't be typing a great deal since I am not the proficient with it and can't type fast, so the post won't be my usual length (-:

I am writing this from Lady B's backroom at her work. We had a great weekend at the speaker event and at my house spending time together. I brought her back to Kearney Sunday and am staying at her house because I have no real reason to be in Lincoln. We enjoy the time together, her son is warming up to me also. I am not forcing myself on him and Lady B is making sure she is available for him, basically I am just another body in the house, plus I help her out around the house and cook for her a bit too. Really being here is just giving me something to do, plus I spend time with my mom.

Monday I took mom and my aunt to North Platte, the town where mom bought her new house. We looked at the house some more, got an idea of which bedroom she will sleep in and which one will be her sewing room and spare room. I also took some measurements for stuff and checked out some minor repairs that need to be done and lawn work.

Monday I also had 2 interviews in North Platte. The first one was for an apartment complex manager. The company took over 2 HUD complexes in Kearney and need a manager here for them. The interview went really well. The pay is good and they offer an apartment with employment. I am not sure this job will keep me motivated over the long haul, it is a lot of paperwork processing, background checks, apartment inspections and handling tenant problems and reprimanding tenants. The last bit I don't mind it is the doing paperwork all the time which may get to be a drag and non challenging enough. Having said that if the job is offered and I don't have an alternative I will gladly take it.

The second job is in North Platte. It is a family advocacy agency. The agency works with kids who are wards of the state via DHHS and their families. They provide support via, helping families meet the goals of re-unification as directed by DHHS (department of health and human services) and the court/judge. They education the kids and families on different areas thae need improvement, work on the family strengths and suggest ways to correct weaknesses. They go to court with the families as a support person. They work for the family, this is a voluntary program, sometimes it is suggested with a push from the caseworker but once the family understands the agency works for them and not DHHS the family is fairly comfortable with the assistance and suggestions. The agency also works as a go between or added support voice for when the family is having troubles with DHHS or even the schools. The woman who is the director use to be the director of a similar agency in Kearney and knew me from an AA presentation I did with her and also an interview when I applied for a job there. She really likes me and was excited when she got my resume. She told me I have the job if the background check comes back good which it should. The pay is less than the manager job but this is a job that will be challenging and rewarding. My daughter was a ward of the state so I know the system plus my own experiences as a parent with alcohol/drug problems, this is a benny that the director likes. She also likes the passion I have for wanting to help others.

North Platte isn't the nicest city in Nebraska, not quite the arm pit of larger cities but it is in the top 5. I will just have to accept living there. I may have to pay a bit for a decent apartment or house but that is alright. I will be able to help mom out, take care of her yard work, assist with her paperwork so that is a plus. North Platte is an hour and 15 minute drive from Kearney so it won't be too hard for me to see Mich, the babies and Lady B. If this is were my God wants me to be then this is where I will go.

Mich, Angel and Carter are all doing well. Carter is on track for being released from the hospital on April 21st. He is gaining weight and is healthy. Mich has broken up with Matt, too long of a story to post. Basically she is tired of his games and attitude. She also met a guy in recovery and has been hanging out with him. She likes living sober and clean and Matt has put a strain on that. More later about all this. I have told both of them that their troubles are theirs and dad isn't going to get involved other than to take care of Angel on occasion.

Well campers that's a rap for now. I am meeting a buddy for lunch. I hope all are doing well. I send you my love and prayers/blessings.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Smiling

In his book "Peace is Every Step" Thich Nhat Hanh writes a lot about the benefit of smiling, more specifically, stopping and taking a moment to smile. He writes about instead of getting mad about the red traffic light that is preventing us from getting somewhere NOW, the rush for the next whatever, we need to stop and smile. We need to take this moment of stopping and smile for the moment at hand, to pause, to breathe and live in the moment of this wonderful life, to not worry about where we are going and when we will get there. Thay gives other examples of how we need to use every day perceived inconveniences as a time to stop, smile, live in the moment, breathe and remember how good life really is.

This is something I have really been working lately. Even though it has only been less than 2 weeks since I was fired, I can find myself getting impatient with life. I have not received any correspondence back from the resumes and job applications I have sent out. The rational me knows that the hiring departments for these jobs probably have quite a few apps, and they review them in batches and the selection process takes time, plus they have a closing date which is out in the future, so the interviews will be taking place a few weeks from now. But I don't like sitting around waiting on them, I want to know NOW dammit! So I practice smiling at red traffic lights, at being stuck on the interstate in a mess of cars and semi-trucks trying to get around the slower drivers who don't like or are having problems with the 30mph side wind. I use my music, well not mine, my musical talent involves hitting the play button on the CD player, to take me out of me and into the world of the artist. I also step outside and listen/focus on the sounds of nature, the birds are starting to get very active and the Canadian geese are migrating over head. I notice the bits of green grass peaking through the brown top coat. The other day we had a lovely snow, big wet white flakes and I smiled at them, yes we have had a long winter but spring and summer will come it always does, so why get angry at the Master when It is painting a beautiful picture for us to enjoy if we only open our eyes to it.

I picked up Angel Thursday evening, Mich needed a break. I had Angel with me all weekend. She and I went to Kearney to spend the weekend with Lady B, plus see my mom and also my sister was back from Oregon so there was a get together for her. Angel is the ultimate channel for getting out of self and smiling. She is all about the moment and takes grandpa with her, whether she is happy or sad. She isn't high maintenance but being a toddler she keeps you in her world. Lady B and Angel both love each other, so neither one fights for grandpa's attention, they share him equally, Lady B knows Angel is a part of me and Angel doesn't need grandpa's attention constantly. I was also allowed to have a bit of me time as well.

The reason all of this is important is that life could be very stressful right now but it isn't for the most part. I don't feel stressed out or overly anxious, yes a bit impatient but I reel that back in by looking at things rationally and also seeing where "self" is causing the suffering. Right now I am keeping my job searching to things that I am interested in, I have applied to the State Boys and Girls home for different jobs involving assisting young people and their families. I have applied for jobs which relate to my background in purchasing and inventory management. Yesterday I applied for a job as an apartment complex manager, the job hours are only 30-36 hrs a week but they offer housing which if the pay is right will compensate for the hours of pay. I will start applying for low end jobs, such as work in retail stores the next few weeks but I want to see what happens with the jobs I am more qualified for or more interested in first. Thanks to my God I am not hurting of cash.

The buying of mom's new house has been given to me along with dealing with a rather rude Realtor. The Realtor is a friend of the family via a marriage to my mom's cousin. She thinks mom has more money to spend than she is spending on the house mom has chosen to buy thus when troubles arise she keeps saying we can always look for another house. I know she is just doing her job and her job is to make profit for herself and her company, but her attitude is rough and rattles my mom and sisters feathers, mine also. By staying calm with all that is going on in my life, I am able to work with this lady in a civil manner. There were somethings on the inspection of the house that mom is buying that don't look good, the Realtor basically wanted to jump ship and try and find a different house, my sister also was jumping to conclusions. I let the whole thing ride over the weekend, talked to mom about how we wanted to handle this and came up with a few options. The first option is in play now and waiting for the sellers to get back to me on; there are a few things I would like them to fix, mainly 2 pads in the floor supports that have cracked and settled, then a couple of small things, all in all not a lot of money, maybe $500-$1000.00 at the very most. If this doesn't work we see if they will split the difference and last mom is willing to pay for the repairs herself because she likes the house, the bathroom is setup for elderly people which is a big bonus for her. There are a few minor things that I can do myself, like re-chalking windows and repairing some cracks, plus building up a low spot in the yard that gathers water and allows water to run into the foundation. Nothing to really worry about, just have to see what the sellers are willing to do, they will have to face these same issues with anyone who wants to buy the house.

Matt (Mich's BF) started work and is whining about have to work 50hrs already only after 1 week. He also pulled a dumb one with not leaving Mich much money and then complaining that she didn't have the money for gas to come and visit him over the weekend, he is back in Kearney living with his parents, 175 miles away from the hospital. Basically the kid is complaining because he isn't getting laid over the weekend. I have big concerns about him and him being able to hold down a job, that he will quit and be back to relying on Mich and what she is getting in state aid. This is something that is completely out of my control and like Lady B and I talked about something that Mich as a young woman will have to figure out on her own.

I have been keeping myself busy with keeping the house clean, watching movies, doing things online and a bit of cooking and baking, plus I have found myself taking naps in the afternoons since I have been waking up between 7 and 8am for no reason. I tie dyed my first shirt last week. I had bought a cool Blues Brothers print t-shirt but it was white, I don't do white because I inevitably spill coffee on white shirts, so I tie dyed it purple and it came out very cool, Lady B really liked it. Yesterday I bought some more dye and a couple of cheap T's and will do a shirt for Lady B, I will also buy a couple of toddler T's and do a couple for Angel.

You know campers I could be going crazy right now, I could be caught up in "self" and self pity because truthfully my pride and ego have been bruised. I told Lady B it was humbling for me to stay at her house, even though I did buy some groceries and did cook some meals and we all shared doing things around the house. I am so use to being the caregiver and not the receiver, this is just a perception, the fact is we are equals in the relationship. What I am going through is very healthy for me, it is spiritually healthy. I am really applying the principle of living in the moment to my life, to take it a minute at a time, to smile, to pause, to see, to breathe. I am accepting the situations for what they are, just a part of life, the not so nice things are no reflection on me, they are things that happen to others as well. Being calm has allowed me to be Here for my mom and also my sister, being calm has also allow the spirit of my Dad to enter into me and do things the way he would have done them to the best of my ability. Being calm has allow me to be Here for Mich in her struggles and Angel. I see how the instability of what is happening with Mich effecting Angel, Angel was very clingy at the get together, she didn't have much to do with anyone other than me and Lady B, I think she was afraid someone was going to take her away from me and have her stay at their house. The calm has kept the thought of drinking or using far from my mind, even though I haven't made as many meetings as I usually do, no excuse just backed off and need to get back at them. I am still in constant contact with people in recovery and this weekend is the AA speaker event in which Lady B, her sponsor, grand sponsor and I are all attending. Maybe it is my pride but I am serene and don't miss people bombarding me with questions and concerns, maybe I just need a bit of time alone with me and my God or maybe this is just a messed up perception, whatever it is I am alright with it and have been on my guard against fleeting notions of tall cans of Bud Light.

"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power."

Well campers, time to get shower, wash some dishes, maybe do a bit outside since the wind isn't blowing, also do a tie dye. I hope all is going well for each and every one of you, you are all in my prayers.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

P.S the Realtor called, the sellers are going to do the work I asked for, so no need to worry about the repairs. Our God work's in our lives when we use the tools, when we become channels of calmness and peace, well just for this moment anyway, who knows what the next moment will bring.

Namaste to you and yours!!