Insightful view of Anal me.

So I took a look inside and realized why I can be rather anal about certain things, had to whip the poop off afterwards:-)

The other new guy at work doesn't hold up to my standards or work ethics, mentioned this to our trainer and added "but I am anal". There is a double whammy when it comes to me and working. First my beloved dad was very tough and critical when it came to working, for years I heard him complain about people who didn't hold up to his hard working standards. Second stems from being in the Armed Forces from the time I was 17, once again very strict rules on how one did their job and how you behaved at work. So the other night I caught myself applying my standards to a co-worker and wrapping my head around what he was and wasn't doing, I suffered he didn't. I wasted mental energy thinking about how wrong it was for him to take long bathroom breaks, sneak off and smoke, or how he was messing with his cell phone, or talking too much. None of this was my business, I am only responsible for me and how well I am learning the job and my job performance.

After work and during the day I did a bit of reflecting. There is a side of me which is very serious. This side is reflected in my taste of music, literature and movies. I have always been a rather old soul, as a kid I was interested in social issues, religion, what I then considered serious Rock and not commercial bubble gum stuff. I started questioning Christianity early in my teens based on my interest in Native American culture, I could not fathom how God would condemn the nature abiding Native Americans to Hell just because they didn't believe in the Christian version of him and didn't believe in Jesus; no offense to my Christian friends. I took a strong interest in social injustices and conservation issues.

I was pretty much raised an only child, my youngest sister is 9 years older than me, so I spend a good amount of time on my own, especially after we moved to a farm in the middle of nowhere Nebraska when I was 9, no kids to play with. My parents weren't fun parents either, my dad was a very hard worker, he didn't sit around the house if there were other things which need to be done. His idea of a good family outing was taking a drive somewhere usually on back roads. I have inherited his love of driving, cruising down back roads, looking at nature where it is crops, cattle, scenery or wild animals unfortunately this is boring to kids and some adults. I don't have a lot of funny memories of childhood which is alright, it was what it was and compared to a lot of people I lived in Disney world, there was abuse but not as bad as some peoples. Silliness was not allow in our house, neither was the slightest hint of vulgarity, in other words no laughing at farting, no sexual innuendos, silliness and stupidity were met with harsh words and evil eyes.

I made attempts to do fun stuff with Mich when she was growing up but wasn't the best at it. I wasn't the best at getting down and playing with her and didn't play games either. Also my active alcoholism got in the way, most of the time I didn't have the money to do things, even simple stuff because all my money went to alcohol and cigarettes. Plus I was selfish and self centered to the max, if it didn't seem like fun to me then we just weren't doing it, which most of the stuff she wanted to do wasn't. As a friend now to young kids whose parents are in recovery I do my best to participate in fun things they want to do which may not interest me. As for Angel and Carter, well they have the run of the house when they are here, they can play with anything they want, breakables and dangerous stuff is put away, Angel can watch the same movies over and over, I think this is called spoiling them.

I am getting better but putting Rule 62 "don't take yourself so damn serious" is something I have to be constantly aware of. When I am being too serious, then I am setting my expectations of me and others very high and most of the time neither of us meet them and I create my own suffering by dwelling on stuff. There is nothing wrong with having expectations but I have to allow for some leeway, I expect Mich's boyfriend to provide for his family but I can't allow my serenity to go to hell because he is lazy.

Strong ethics and being serious have their good side as well. I believe in being ethical at meetings, no cross talking when some one is poring their heart out, really prefer people didn't cross talk at all, I believe the newcomer has the right to babble about nonessential shit for a short time, not long rants, because all of us babbled in the beginning. I take recovery dead serious, if I don't I am dead. I have been known to be a bit of an AA Nazi; I believe strongly in the Big Book, 12 steps and 12 traditions. Funny side note; I hate it when people refer to the 12 and 12 book as the 12 x 12, it is not a piece of lumber people, I keep this anal comment to myself but a few close friends know how I feel and laugh at meetings when someone says 12 x 12 because they know my feelings. I am anal enough about recovery to call old timers out in a nice way if their personal religion gets emphasis at meetings, I remind them of our singleness of purpose, what is says in We Agnostics and the traditions. I counteract any advise given in meetings concerning; legal, marital, medical or therapeutic matters by reminding people we are not lawyers, judges, doctors or counselors, we are ex-drunks sharing our experience, strength and hope. What I have just mentioned I am not alone in doing, I take my cue from others who do the same and when I get away from sharing about me and start tell others how to live their lives I value these people who put me back in my place. Mindful insight has allowed me to pretty much change a "you or we" into a "me or mine" mid-sentence, once again wise counsel gained from mediation and listening to how the elders I respect share at meetings. But still there are time when I really want to yell out loud, "shut the hell up" at others because they aren't doing things my way, are being silly, are sharing the same story for the thousand time, this is when the little voice inside my head reminds me of rule 62 and also tells me "who are you to judge others".

So anyway, I am working on not being so judgmental not applying my anal behaviors and ethics on others. I am working on staying focused on me and my responsibilities. I am also strongly aware there is a side of me which is using my work ethics as a means to seek approval from my supervisor. I can't really change my ingrained ethics but I do tend to push myself a bit harder than I need to in order to seek recognition, taking a bit longer bathroom break to rest my muscles probably wouldn't hurt anything but no I walk to the john and walk right back and start working, maybe stretch a bit but not long because I am overly conscience of how long I am taking.

On a lighter note; mom got an apartment for the elderly here in Kearney on Friday. It is in a 15 unit complex. It is set up kind of like an assisted living facility, all the apartments have inside entrances, there is a commons area, mail boxes, trash and laundry inside the complex, all utilities paid except cable t.v and phone. I figured out she will actually be saving money since she doesn't have house taxes, home owners insurance or a high utility bill. My mom is thin skinned and skinny, so she has been keeping the heat way up in her house and having astronomical utility bills. We should have her moved down by the middle of April. She is going to start figuring out what stuff she wants to keep and what has to go on a garage sale or given away. This is big down size for her, she will have to get rid of a bunch of knick knacks and extra stuff. My mom is a product of the Depression and doesn't throw much away or buys things she doesn't need because it was a great bargain. I am losing my extra storage because of the move, so I too need to sort some stuff out, figure out what can go in my small shed or spare room and the rest has to go. I have been hauling around a bunch Mich's late mothers stuff, it is now time for Mich to see what she wants to keep and what needs to go, no matter how emotionally painful digging through this may be.

Well friends that's a ramble from me. Hope and pray you are accepting life on life's term as well as you are able too. When all else fails try to remember Honesty, Open mindedness and Willingness and I will try to do the same. Figure life is all about learning new ways to handle selfish thinking or unhealthy behaviors, something I will be doing the rest of my life, cause you know the Higher Power has a way of knocking me upside the head when I slack off on awareness, loving kindness and compassion to all.

Peace Love and Light
Scott