Ramblings from a recoverying Alcoholic, novice Buddhist, dad, grandpa, learning to live on life's terms with compassion, humility and loving kindness
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Hey all, going to try to do short bleeps here of what is going on and general thoughts, see if I can get away from the long paragraphs:-) Actually there isn't much to ramble on about in long paragraph form.
With spring comes new calves, like all new baby animals they are so cute. Haven't been able to hit the back road's to check out colts yet. The cottontail bunnies are all over the place as well, there are 4 hopping around outside our break area at night. My trailer is next to a large grain storage building, so the majority of the birds around my place are turtle doves. I am going to get some bird feeders and different types of seeds and see what other birds I can attract.
I am Jonesing to start working on flower beds. There a bunch of rocks at mom's house I am going to move down and create a border with, then put down garden fabric and top soil. I was checking out Canna's bulbs to put against the house, then work outward with larger to small flowers, rose bushes in the corners. I won't have a place for a vegetable garden but will get some planters for peppers, cucumbers and tomatoes.
Work is going good. I was lucky and didn't have to work Saturday. Last night the boss said things have slowed down a bit so we should be seeing a couple of weeks of 8 hour shifts and no weekends. I am fine with this, I like the overtime money but I am also old enough I like a lighter work schedule. I can survive without OT. I am still looking for another job but not obsessively, put in my resume for a counter sales position which requires knowledge of inventory control, ordering of parts and computer knowledge, all of which I have, time will tell if I get the interview. Staying away from human services positions, too many cutbacks in funding.
I had Angel stay with me Saturday. We had a good time, she played and watched movies, well the movies where playing, every once in awhile she would stop and watch it. She loves the Harry Potter movies, this is a good thing since I have them all and we can switch them up instead of watching the same one over and over again. I really love her random rushing up to me and giving me a big hug saying "love you", really warms the heart and makes me grateful I am sober. I have to keep my eye on her because her 2 year old interest gets into stuff she shouldn't, like finding utility knifes, dumping the salt shaker on the table and eating salt, trying to be sneaky and touch papa's laptop.
Carter is doing well also. There is a different dynamic with him. His father and grandparents control who he stays with, so I don't get to spend one on one time with him like I do Angel. He does know papa though and gives me big smiles when I visit or when Mich brings him over here.
My mom is stressing out about the move.I call her every couple of days and reiterate everything will be alright and there is no big rush to get stuff sorted out. My niece and her husband are helping me move mom's big stuff on the 24th of April, I will be going down each weekend and bring back what I can in the Explorer which holds quite a bit inside plus the roof rack. Even after she gets settled in here she can go back to North Platte and sort stuff out, there is no big hurry to put the house on the market, I will keep the lawn mower down there until the house is sold. High anxiety is a genetic trait in her family, the best I can do to help her is do what I can and comfort her with reassuring words.
As of March it has been 5 years since my last DUI. My insurance will go down in a couple of months, next billing cycle. It took my 7 more months to hit my bottom, 2 trips to jail, Mich attempting suicide at only 15 and being remove from the home. In those 7 months the paranoia was intense because I was doing things I wasn't suppose to be doing and scared to death I would be caught. I had also driven my family away for the most part, they couldn't deal with the pain of seeing me self destruct. I am grateful this is all behind me. I do the maintenance to the best of my ability to keep this lifestyle from returning. I can never forget the last couple of years of my drinking, especially those last 7 months, the insanity meter was pretty much pegged out.
Since I am unable to make it to a lot of meetings; been blessed to make the noon 12 and 12 meetings the last 2 Saturdays, plus home group Sunday morning, I make sure I read something from the Big Book or a spiritual book daily. I have been rereading one of Thich Nhat Hanh's books on my lunch break, maybe only a few pages but it is enough to keep me grounded. Like the Big Book, I discover something new and important every time I reread his books. I have my recovery friends on Facebook who also keep me ground with there post, Paula you are considered one of them, as is Pete.
The bravest 2 people I know are my friend Theresa and her son Trevor. Trevor is dying from Leukemia. They live each day as a new day. They truly understand how each moment we are alive is a gift. Trevor isn't afraid to die, he has accepted it, his acceptance has given Theresa the strength to accept it also. Theresa still goes to meetings regularly and does her best to live in recovery. They have also built a strong foundation in their faith. It is heartwarming to watch them. We can whine about so much trivial shit in our lives, then someone like Theresa and Trevor come along and show us how much we have to be grateful for and how with the aid of our Higher Power we can walk though anything in life. The sadness is still there but we don't allow it to control our lives, we face the reality no matter how unpleasant it is. I am bless to have these living examples of true Spirituality in my life. It proves it doesn't matter what spiritual path one takes, the benefits of living a spiritual life are all the same.
Well campers, time for me to get in the shower, then make my lunch, plus eat a bit before I go to work. My love, prayers and positive energy goes out to all of you!
I had over 9 years of soberity got compliancent and spent 10 years digging my way towards a new bottom, I put the shovel down November 2006 and am living a life full of love and happiness, I have found a new spiritual path in life and even though I feel like a fish out of water sometimes, I enjoy life to the fullest and leave the negativity for others. Started this blog as a means to post my ramblings or writings. Thanks go to Dylan for the blog name. I really believe that if in someway we aren't learning/being born from lifes experience then we are dying. Every day I can learn something if I have my eyes open and am aware the choice is mine. I am not a saint nor I am I a sinner, I am just you and you are me and we make mistakes but we also have a lot to be grateful for. I have a wonderful daughter and we have a good relationship today, I put her through hell with my drinking and thanks to recovery the wounds have healed. I also have 2 beautiful grandchildren which I write about often, once again being in recovery has allow me to be a big part of their lives, we have a strong and loving bond.