Illness and Confusion

I hate it when I get a head cold/sinus infection. My head gets all cloudy, buzzy and for some reason depression and confusion set in. Started out Tuesday morning, woke up with nasty drainage, headache and head pressure. Tried taking over the counter medicine again but that crap makes me even more fuzzy headed, I have zero tolerance for mind altering substances. Yesterday the drainage had let up, it just stayed put causing minor congestion plus confusion. The worst thing of all was the depression it brought on, like a freaking freight train. We got off work at 2 and by 2:30 I was home in bed trying to sleep it off which somewhat worked, I tried doing some housework but it only helped a bit, was still tired/foggy and laid down once more.

A large part of my mind was telling me the depression was due to Thanksgiving and fears associated with the holiday and holiday season at hand. I admit there is some truth to this, I don't like family gatherings. I identified the dislike as a feeling of being caged in, summer gatherings are fine, I can move around outdoors, breath the air, focus on nature. My past experiences with holiday gatherings are one of always feeling like an outsider when sitting with the other men or women. I lack key interest in conversations; don't like sports, don't know much about engine or transmission specifics, don't know much about detailed mechanics or building stuff, don't kill things,I am a Liberal. My old friend great expectations kicked me squarely gonads, I place expectations on myself that I need to be like them, that they are looking down on me, all of which is utter bullshit. My inter fight is to understand and accept all of this. The past has no hold on the Reality of the present, the past is the past just as impermanent as everything else, if I cling to the past I cling a non-reality based notion. This is a case of minor PTSD for me. I can't blame my dislike of gathering on a dislike of crowds, I am perfectly fine at AA events and accept my limits on what I can and cannot converse about maybe because at recovery functions where there is always an underlying sense of commonality and unity, there is no ego telling me I need to prove I am worthy. Hell of it is, I am not even spending Thanksgiving with my family, dad is dead the one person I was comfortable talking with, my mom is going to my cousins house with my aunts people I have zero in common with, 2 of my siblings live out of state and the other is going to her step sons house up north. I am going to Lady B's family gathering, I get along with all of them and am accepted, it just all comes back to old fears and the pressure of having to try and fit in. The gathering starts later today, Mich and the grand babies will be there. So once again I will visit with people who could care less that Elton John and Leon Russell just released a brilliant collaboration album, Eat Pray Love is a must see movie one to be viewed over and over to catch all the wisdom laid out, Tom Delay was convicted and hopefully will spend time in prison and not mention any of this. I will listen to talk about football and NASCAR and other things I find boring. I will accept it isn't about me, it is about others. I will find my pleasure in being with people who care about me because I am who I am and I care about them.

I woke up this morning feeling clear headed as evident by my writing this post. I know much of what was messing with my head yesterday was just the illness screwing with me. I did my best to focus on just allowing the anxiety/depression to just be what it was, to stop fighting it which has helped with my acceptance this morning. I also focused on the Buddha and cause of suffering. The Buddha wasn't a God but yesterday I used him as a Higher Power, a way to refocus and bring reality back. The craving which was causing the suffering was a craving to feel the perceived sense of magical family, the one which is pounded into our heads during the holiday season. I believe I put too much stake in this sense, my sense of family isn't very strong and never has been. I love my family, even the extended family who I rarely interact with, I would drop what I am doing to assist them in an reasonable way I could if asked, even my Fundamentalist sister who sees my spiritual belief's as a gateway to Hell. I reflected back to the time when I was in meetings, feeling insecure because my concept of a God didn't fit with the Christian concept people where so profoundly testifying about. I have to not compare my insides with others outsides, dangerous place to go. My feelings about God and sense of family just are what they are, nothing is permanent, maybe one day the joyous sense of family others have will come to me but for now I don't feel it and it is alright to feel this way.

Another hiccup I have with Thanksgiving is the hatred of gluttony. I have a very ugly selfish side which wants to blast people for gloating about all the damn food, constantly talking about how much they are going to eat, making sure they are stuffed. I personally find this spiritually wrong on many levels but I would be wrong to use my anger in a selfish attempt to ruin their enjoyment.

On a different note. Shadow the reason for a young peoples AA meeting, is that in rural Nebraska, young people haven't built a peer group. They don't stick around long enough to meet others like themselves. In Lincoln and Omaha due to larger populations young people find meetings they congregate around, then go and do things together afterwards or before, plus create their own events. Our hope is to take the model of the bigger cities and use it here. Even if 2 kids connect and go to other meetings together for peer support it will be worth it. Just as I cling to the preconceived notion this Thanksgiving isn't going to be wonderful because my past experiences weren't wonderful, so do young people cling to the notion they can't relate to older alcoholics and addicts. It is all a crap shoot but one worth rolling the dice on.

Well campers I need to take a hot bath, let the stream wrap itself around me. I will stick around the house until noonish then load up and head to Kearney. I hope all of you have a great day and weekend whether you are with family or not. I am smiling at stubbing my spiritual toe, the pain is residing and it is time to move forward.

Peace Love and Light until next time
Scott