Living Life Right

I was going to title this something like, living sober makes life good, something with sober in the title but realized not all who read my blog are recovering/recovered alcoholics and addicts, that all of us when we live life right reap the rewards. I like to think of it as good Karma, but really it is all about being a kind, caring, compassionate person, about getting out of self and getting self out of the way about doing our best to live each day by universal spiritual principles. Yes my dad is still dead, Carter is still in ICU, my daughters boyfriend is still without a job, I am still on probation at my job, it is still a cold winter in Nebraska with snow on the ground and spring seem miles away but this is just life not bad things. I put my faith in my Higher Power, I do the footwork which includes spiritual footwork not just conversations with humans, I accept what happens to the best of my ability and move on. Maybe this sounds too easy, I have had my share of scrambled eggs for brains, mental masturbation gone wrong, fears and disappointments but I have kept pressing on, see where I have made mistakes if possible, meaning sometimes I don't see my mistakes until later. Being an obsessive compulsive drunk and druggie are just a small portion of what I am, so like other people I have personal quirks that need to be worked on daily and it seems by doing this life stays good even when the black cloud is over my head and my ass is getting beaten down by torrential rain. Maybe my life is going so good right now that I am Mr. Little Ray of Sunshine and maybe that ray will brighten your day even if I piss you off with my good fortune of late.

First off, Carter is up to 3 pounds, once he is 3.5 pounds they will take the top off the incubator. He is growing and is on schedule to be released in mid April. Hopefully I will be able to hold him in a few weeks.

Angel is still Angel, growing learning and staying happy except when grandpa is an asshole and doesn't let her play with something she really wants to play with or look at; cell phone, camera, pretty tea cups from Korea.

Matt, my daughters boyfriend, may have a job soon. It is such a cluster of words coming from them on this, that I have to fight off being negative and doubting his chance for the job and his ability to hold the job. I have to really work on finding the positives in him and wishing him the best, I pray for him and some days that is the best I can do. God will take care of them financially because dad won't, enabling won't fix the problem only delay the lesson in life.

Just over 2 weeks ago I helped my mom put her house on the market. My mom has decided to move to a town closer to my oldest sister and also where a couple of her sisters live. Now that I have moved to Lincoln and my youngest sister has moved to Oregon, other than mom having one sister close there isn't anyone close to check on her or take her places if need be. My mom is 80, she is still able to live on her own but her mind slips on occasion, she gets confused and she gets lonely. My aunt has been great since I have moved but my aunt has her own life, kids, grand kids and her and her husband like to travel a few times a year so she isn't always available to check on mom. My oldest sister will be really good about seeing mom at least once a week, taking her shopping or out to eat, she hasn't done this in the past because she is 2 hours away and money is tight, the town mom is moving to is only 30 minutes away from her now. When I put the house on the market I did it just to get the ball rolling, figured it would be a couple of months before any serious action started to happen, I was wrong. The house was shown 3 times in 2 weeks, Sunday I received a call from the realtor and some people made an offer, I countered the offer with an April 15Th closing date and just like that the house was sold, well contingent upon loan approval and such, people have $20,000 for a down payment. This blow me away and it also shocked my mom, who even though she knows she needs to move and wants to move is still anxious about all this. Now the fun of finding mom a new home. My oldest sister is taking care of this since driving 225 miles house hunting is out of the picture for me plus it is something my sister enjoys and gives her a sense of purpose. I have been handling all my parents affairs for the last few years, with only a small bit of involvement from my sisters, so my sister probably feels a bit left out and jealous at times. My sister and I have been communicating over the phone, she is letting me know about a couple of different houses she has viewed, telling my her thoughts and concerns, so she is being honest with me which I appreciate. She knows my concerns are more about furnace, central air, plumbing, windows, electrical and those types of things. Mom doesn't have a lot of money to spend, we are rolling the money from the sale of her house into the new house. We have both said that in the end it is mom's choice, we have both agreed not to push mom into something she doesn't want and I pray it stays this way. My sister in Oregon is more pushy and I am glad she is there right now, she is selfish and opinionated to a fault, if she was here I am afraid there would be some butting of heads no matter how kind and compassionate I try to be, I am very protective of my mom, her wants and financial concerns. I do my best to look after her interest and keep my own to myself except in matters concerning her well being such as convincing her the move is beneficial, which she knows just doesn't like changes like the rest of us.

The last couple of days I have really been missing my dad. I am doing what he use to do. I am taking his place and it is a bit scary. The shoes I am filling are really big. I have come to believe his spirit is with me and guiding me, that through all our ups and downs he taught me well and that I paid close enough attention to become a good student and do things the way he would have done them. Typing this fills my eyes with tears, they are good tears for a man I love and miss and know would be proud of me even though he couldn't say it, those kinds of words just weren't what my dad was about. So I am facing a bit more of the grieving process, it isn't wonderful but it is good.

Alright now to Lady B. We are partner's now. My willingness to follow her boundaries, to respect her wishes, completed the circle of attraction in her heart, now it is physical, emotional and spiritual. We have commited to being in an intimate and caring relationship with each other based on mutual respect, communication and understanding. She told me she was looking for a partner, she didn't want to be someones property, she wants someone that will respect her decisions and her independence, she said she found that someone in me and was willing to take the chance. She did a lot of soul searching and her heart kept going to me. Our continued conversations helped because I didn't stop caring once she told me about her boundaries. Friday night we went out for supper, then took a movie back to the house she shares with another woman, we watched the movie on her bed. I asked her if it was alright to put my arm around her and pull her close and she said yes. To make a long story short we spent the night together, it was gentle and compassionate, it was mutual. I asked her if what she was doing was something she wanted to do and not something she was going to regret in the morning and she assured me it was. I told her about all the little things I liked about her, the things I find attractive. I think she was a bit afraid I was going to leave her and finish the night at Mich's apartment because she thanked me for spending the night. It is sad to think she has been in a position where a guy has made love to her then left, it is sad to think she was worried about me using her. I am a bit different that some people in that I don't do one night stands, getting intimate for me is more than just a one night ordeal, it is about wanting to have something special with someone for a greater period of time if possible. She told me this morning her heart belongs to me and mine to her. I hear saying "awe this is so sweet" but right now that is how it is. Just noticed that I still have a bit of the cynic in me when it comes to love. I like how Lady B makes me feel, how she makes me happy. I know that my happiness isn't contingent upon having a loving relationship with a woman but I have also lived alone for a long damn time without having a partner or lover, that I can do this again if it happens. I also feel that all of us have a natural need to have someone special in our lives and that when that person comes along we need to take the chance and be with that person.

The 135 miles between our houses is a good thing for both of us. She gets to keep her independence, she gets a chance to get to know herself without me being around too much, that she doesn't have worry about spending the night with her family on her own, which is important to her. She gets to break this relationship in gradually to her 8 year old son, give him time to get to know me and me time to get to know him. We can grow together just as easily over the miles as we can being 5 minutes away. I get to learn how to love someone without smothering them. To trust her, to work on my insecurities, to understand that even thought we may not visually see each other daily that we are in each others thoughts daily, via the simple things like text messages and short conversations. She is a proud lady and doesn't want me to buy things for her or rush in and help her with any little problems. This is great for me because I have a bad habit of buying things to show I care and it can cause me financial troubles. I did tell her not to be afraid to ask me for help, if she needs something mechanical done that she thinks I might be able to do. I was honest with her about my buying things to show I care, I told her for once the alcoholic pride was a good thing, she smiled at me and told me every time I wanted to buy her something to put the money in an envelope and use it to pay off some of my debt. The distance between us will make the time we do have together that much more special, it will be a time to share more intimate things about each other and the physical contact with also be more passionate because it is something to be savored and not rushed out of familiarity. She is coming to Lincoln in a couple of weeks, with her sponsor and grand sponsor to an AA event filled with speakers and fellowship. She is going to stay at my house, I have to work the first shift on Saturday but we will have all Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday morning to spend together. Her sponsor and grand sponsor are both good friends of mine so it will be a great weekend over all. This will probably be the next time we are able to together and you know what, even though there is a yearning in our hearts to see each other sooner we are both alright with this, because is it just something we have to get use to, it is part of the partnership, the commitment to being in a relationship with each other.

All of these wonderful things are happening in my life because I believe I am doing my best to live my life the way the Divine Spirit of the universe wants me to live. I do my best on a daily bases to get out of self, I do my best to live by the prayer of St. Francis, the 3rd step prayer and follow the Eightfold Path of the Buddha. That by doing these things, I am given good Karma, that my actions are a reflection on what is happening in my life. A bad day is only as bad as I make it, and I do make some days bad, enlightenment is still a long ways off. This is also reflected in my work with the clients, there is an inter strength the guides me, this strength allows me to touch those who are open to it, this strength comes from my God and not from Scott. Everything is about my God working through me and It benefits others on occasion. Yes not drinking and using drugs is a huge part of this but it is also a small part of this too. If leave my spiritual path everything I have written about will disappear and I have to make sure my feet are firmly planted on this path.

My prayers are still with all of you, I spend my love and blessing your way. Take my hand and let us walk together on this journey we call life.

Peace Love Light and Hugs
Scott