12 Promises for Newcomers

I saw this on a AA Facebook group I subscribe to and thought it was good enough to share.

‎12 PROMISES FOR BEGINNERS

1. You will know your full name and address.

2. You will be able to shave yourself, or put on your makeup, whichever pleases you.
...
3. You will be able to dress and undress yourself.

4. You will know the town, the state, and the country you live in.

5. You will be able to find socks that match, or nylons without runs.

6. You will be able to smoke without burning yourself, your clothes, or the furniture.

7. You will lose the fear of food.

8. You will be able to walk a straight line and pass the drunk driving test.

9. You will spend less time in the bathroom and be able to brush your teeth without gagging

10. You will lose the fear of police cars.

11. You will be able to answer the door without having to look through the peephole.

12. You will realize what a hell of a mess you were, and thank God for A.A

 

 

All is well here and hope all is well there.

 

Peace Love Light

Addiction Kills!!

Hi All

The job at the hotel seems like a keeper, catching on fairly quick, just need to get faster at putting people into the computer and working multiple incoming calls. Also Mich and the kids are doing well, she is working and seems to like the work and is taking her responsibilities more seriously.

I found out this morning a friend in the fellowship died yesterday, she was 41 or 42. I will call her H, she was a nurse by profession who lost her license over 6 years ago for taking drugs from the hospital. Just last year she was busted again for prescription drug abuse and spent 6 months in county jail. It appears she had an accidental overdose, they found her dead in her car in a parking lot, she had been using again, so maybe the combination of heat and drugs caused her death.

I don't believe there is such a thing as accidental overdose really, I use the word here because she didn't intentionally commit suicide. Anytime an addict or alcoholic uses we are a risk of dying. If I drink or use again I know the risk of death, the disease will tell me different but the truth is deep down I know I am playing with fire, every junkie and drunk does, they just choose to ignore the voice of reason, to give in to the little voice which says it won't hurt and will feel better, for crying out loud I just need and little relief from all this stress.

I don't know why H continued to play with fire, she had all the tools and had a very good support system available. She had some very good periods of sobriety, periods where she was happy and free and enjoying life.

When anyone who has been in recovery for awhile, been to a lot of meetings, had a sponsor, worked the steps and then dies from addiction or alcoholism the only things which come to mind willingness, and get honestly humble.

The people I know and have known who are able to maintain sobriety, one day at a time and who have a daily reprieve from the compulsion to drink and use are those who are willing to go to any length to maintain their sobriety and inter peace. Willing to admit they are totally beaten by drugs and alcohol, willing to ask for help, willing to go to meetings, willing to open up continually to another person and themselves about what is going on in their lives.

These people have also become humble, humble enough to know they are not the center of the universe, accept there is a power greater than themselves. Humble enough to reach out to another for help. Humble enough to admit a; liquid, powder, pill, herb, something they can flush down the toilet has incredible power over them. We have to know and accept that something so small can destroy our lives, we have to concede to our enter most selves we will never be able use or drink again without some form of destruction happening.

I was talking yesterday before the meeting to a friend about another person who went out, someone who has been in and out of the rooms for years. We both talked about willingness and how we as individuals are powerless over having someone find willingness. The old saying, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" is so true.

It is sad when someone dies from addiction, My ex-wife killed herself because she couldn't handle reality and because she couldn't beat her addiction to pharmaceutical drugs. I have known people who died because have taken mood stabilizers with alcohol, taken that one too many something they had done it the past yet survived, car wrecks, liver shutting down, the list goes on.

I hope H's death isn't in vane. I know it will be talked about in meetings and rightly so. Everyone, newcomers and those who have a number of one day at a times added up need to understand how serious our disease is and how important it is to do something about it, whether it is AA, NA or not.

I am grateful I found a God of my understanding, grateful I made it back into the rooms after 10 years of insane drinking mixed with drug use, I was playing Russian Roulette too. I am grateful I am willing to work the steps daily, willing to go to meetings, willing to talk to others and be of service, Just for today my obsession to drink and use has been removed. I am grateful I got to know H, we were not close but she left an imprint on my life.

We never know when our last day on earth will be. I hope my last day will be a sober one. As a friend and sister in recovery says, hope you stay sober and sane.

Peace Love Light

Good Karma or the God/Goddess/Divine Smiles on US

Hi all!

I picked Mich up from jail at 11:30 Wednesday morning. All of us were glad she was home. The last couple of days of having the kids on my own were very stressful, nothing they did but papa was just exhausted from chasing after them, correcting them, or having one of them under his feet at all times. Working outside in the heat didn't help matters and oh yeah my Surburban broke down to boot.  

Mich had plenty of energy from sitting in jail for 5 weeks to thoroughly clean my house, which I appreciated. I tried to keep up on the house work but by the time I got off of work the best I could do was cook supper, wash dishes, laundry, pick up the floor, too tired to vacuum and mop. She is better at working with kids under feet than I am. The kids treat her different than me, even though I was acting in the parent role, I am still papa, the one who gives them his attention when they want it. They don't demand the attention from their mom the way they do me, part of this is papa has had a habit of giving them what they want fairly easily, where mom says no much more. 

I have hit a meeting every day since she has been home, much needed time to sit and listen plus give back what was given to me. Yesterday, not 1 but 2 guys asked me to be their sponsor, they both said they liked what I shared in the meeting. Both are on court cards, mandatory meeting attendance. I shared in the meeting the only way to achieve long term sobriety and find contentment and a form of easy in living sober was to get a sponsor and work the steps, in my opinion. I shared, steps 1, 2 and 3 weren't that hard to do on my own and I survived on them but it was working the rest of the steps with a sponsor which really change my life and allowed me to accept life on life’s terms. I shared what has worked for me and also what has worked for anyone who is happy in recovery. Both guys said they are ready for a change and need help, both are tired of living the life they have been living and want to be sober and learn to live comfortably in recovery. I accepted being their sponsor but the rest is up to them, they both have Big Book's, so now it is up to them to come to me and start working the steps via the Big Book and the 12 and 12. If I can help these guys in any way to stay sober then it is my responsibility to do so, to pass on what was freely given to me, it isn't about me, it is about sharing the message the way the Big Book talks about. I hope at least one of them follows through for selfish reasons; it has been quite a few years since I took someone through the steps and doing this helps me as much as them.  

Mich starts work on Monday. She will be working with mentally challenged people, assisting them on a daily bases with their special needs. This is regular job with day time hours so she can keep the kids in daycare. One of the things I told her when she got out was she needed to find a job that worked with daycare hours because the kids needed to stay in daycare plus she wouldn't have the hassle of finding someone to watch them in the evenings. She had this job lined up prior to getting busted but wasn't sure it would still be there for her, one of her friends works there. The job will be a very good experience for her; they will provide the training she needs. I am glad she found a job and one not as a waitress, she needs to expand her horizons. Also part of our new deal is she starts paying rent; this helps her be responsible plus takes a chunk of the financial burden off of me.  

My job has been very iffy, pretty much on a week to week bases. They didn't tell me when I took the job that it might not last through the summer. Once the all the corn was emptied from the big outside bunkers, it freed up a couple of people to help out around the elevator, thus taking some work away from me. I probably would have been let go last week but 1 guy was fired for lying about a safety issue. We haven't been overly busy so my missing work hasn't been a problem, thank God I was working here when the stuff with Mich went down and not at the factory, I would have been really up shit's creek at the factory. 

Because there hasn't been any guarantee of how long I would have a job I have been job hunting again. I can't get a regular full time job because I start college on August 20th. I have been checking out hotels for front desk help, I have worked convenience stores before but prefer not to go there because of the clientele, sorry but selling alcohol and lottery tickets to people who don't need them is something I would just as soon not do again, not saying I won't but I want to try other avenues first. I applied for and got a job working at a newly remodel hotel. I will be working 3pm to 11pm, 3 to 5 days a week, every other weekend off. I knew by working in a hotel I would be sacrificing my weekends so was pleased that this hotel has you work every other weekend. On my short weeks I will see if I can pick up some hours helping maintenance. I have a friend who does landscaping and she has offered to pay me cash to assist her on occasion so that will be a bit extra too plus Mich paying her way now helps, sorry got off the beaten path. Another reason for hotel work is it fits with my college classes and meetings. I like working with people, have experience with people of different backgrounds and geographical locations, know the needs of business people from years as a buyer, I have lived here for years and know the best places to eat that are not a national chain, know out of the way things to see and do if people are looking for something different. So anyhow I was smiled upon, I found a job before I was laid off and desperate for work. 

With my whole job thing, I am putting a lot of faith in my God's hands/branches by quitting the regular workforce and going to college in hopes of a better future. Two to four years of college and not having a normal 40-50 hour a week job seems like a hell've a long time and quite honestly it is scary. I see the smaller paychecks and get nervous but know with the right footwork I will be alright. I am receiving a work study grant, it pays me $1250.00 for 10 hours a week doing whatever is assigned for me at the college, this is per semester, plus I have my student loans which will be put in savings to help out if need be. Once I get use to the routine I will be alright, it is just a matter of getting used to living on smaller means. I know deep in my heart going to college and getting a degree is the best thing I can do, it will hopefully pay off in the long run. I have some good people on my side making sure I stay focused and chilling the fears.  

Sunday J and I are taking a road trip to a lake north of here to check out camping and what there is to do in the area if we go there camping; it is a reason to get out of the house, chill with a good recovery friend. J found out you can rent a livestock tank; the tanks are about 30 inches deep and 12-15 feet across, look one up on line to see what I am talking about if you need a better picture, for $75. What you do is, 5 people get in the tank with a cooler and float down the river; it is a really cool and relaxing way to spend time with nature and friends, like tubing but different. I know of an old army outpost in the area too, J and I are going to swing by it to see if it would be of interest to our group. We probably won't take the camping trip until August but part of the fun is checking out the local and what there is to do.

Angel turns 4 on the 4th of July, not doing a big party this year, I will take her to the parade in my home town so she can get candy and see the horses, probably have cake and ice cream in the afternoon. J and his wife are having some of their close friends over for a cookout, J bought a new grill and is all about using it:-) I will spend the evening with them; see if they are alright with Mich and the kids coming over later to shoot off fireworks with us.  

Well campers this is all for now. I survived and was given a few gifts in return for putting the needs of the kids ahead of my own, this isn't something I had to make a mental choice to do, I just did it because that was what was in front of me to do. I couldn't have done any of this if it wasn't for being sober and love and support of friends both in and out of recovery.  

Hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July, whether you are American or not.  

Peace Love Light

Scott

What a Challenge

Hey all!! Angel is pretend reading Grapevines to Carter, they are sitting in Carter's crib, surrounded by Grapevines and being good for the moment.



I received a big kick in the groin on Wednesday; Mich has to serve another week in jail. They didn't tell her until Wednesday morning, shock to both of us because she was ready to get out and so was I for different reasons. They gave her 7 more days for probation neglect/violation. What messed me up was not having childcare lined up for Thursday and Friday. Thanks to whatever Divine Karmic force there is, 2 people helped me out and I was able to work full days.



I wasn't given assistance for 40 hours of daycare but Mich was given 20 hours for job searching and the daycare I put the kids in said they would use her assistance from HHS. This has allowed me to work plus a friend has helped some and Carter's dad took the kids for a few days too. I have been able to work only 30 hours last couple of weeks but at least it is money coming in. The daycare has been very good for both kids. Angel really likes it even though it is a battle every morning when I drop her off; she is not a morning person for 1 and I think she still has fears about being left and not being picked back up. Carter is being good at daycare and they love him, think having a confined space helps him from getting into stuff; he only has so much stuff he can mess with.



I have to admit these 4 weeks have been a big challenge to my sanity and serenity. Both kids are a handful for different reasons. Carter has a very limited attention span and further more is very bull headed. He is very persistent about doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it. I have tried a variety of things to discipline him, holding him down in time out, setting him in his crib, I have been upset enough to pop him on the butt or thigh and all to no avail. The biggest problems with him are getting into the fridge, messing with the stove, getting mad and hitting, throwing food on the floor. I have gotten after him more times than I can count on these things and he still does them.



Angel minds better but with her our fights are over how she handles the kitty, plus sassing back. Time out works with her but I have lost my temper on how she has handles the kitty.





Getting the kitty at this time wasn't one of my brighter ideas. I found the kitten via a Facebook for sale group. The kitten came from a farm which to me means mama was a good varmint catcher which is what I wanted for hopefully getting rid of the mice. He is a sweet little guy very playful. He made himself right at home, no crying at night, used the litter box right away and didn't hiss at the dog. Over the last few days the kitty and dog have become best of friends, running around the house playing together, I have had to move them off my bed because they want to play on the bed when I am trying to go to sleep at night. Another reason for wanting a young kitten was I figured the dog would accept it easier than I older cat and vise a versa. The kitten is also very good with the kids, hasn't swatted them for how they carry him.



I have been hitting a meeting here and there and talk to my sponsor every couple of days. My bits of frustration only last a few minutes, well maybe 15 or so, they come and go. I am not stressed all the time just moments when I need some me time and either one or both of the kids is in need or want of attention. I do understand part of their acting out in negative ways is because they miss their mom and don't know how to express their feelings. Carter is fine going with his dad but Angel has mixed emotions, she expresses in her own little way she would rather stay with papa.



I have tried to express to Mich how much of a strain her not following probation and the judge’s orders have placed on the kids and me but I doubt she really understands. It took me working really working the steps to fully comprehend the impact my actions had on others.



There have been many lessons learn for both Mich and me during this time. I expect her to get a job once she gets out, one where the hours are the same as daycare, so the kids get the benefit of it. She needs to file for custody of Carter and also make me Power of Attorney. I can't control her actions but I can set up some rules for her to follow if she lives here. I found out just how much she was dragging her feet on the HHS assistance or just plan out bullshitting me. There is still a part of me that takes it easier on her than I should at certain times due to my actions when I was an active drunk. I need things like this to happen to make me work on me.



I am doing my best breathe campers. I appreciate the time I have to do just a bit for me, whether it is a meeting, talking to my sponsor, hitting the store alone. I am thankful for the people who have helped me through this, those who have stepped up and taken care of the kids for me, my niece has really been there to allow me time for meetings and a bit of me time, helps she is in recovery and understands what I really need. I appreciate the new Joe Walsh album which has a few songs about recovery and gratitude on it, I appreciate Pink Floyd Echoes album which just flat out allows me to drift into another world, music more than the words have a real calming effect on me.



I am really using the 3rd step, understand what I have control over and what I don't. I haven't craved a drink or drug since this all started and that my friends are a wonderful thing. The 3rd step has always been a learning process for me. I have faced a lot of challenges in recovery, every time accepted the things I couldn't, changed those I could, knew the difference and trusted the God of my understanding, by doing this my serenity has stayed fairly well intact. I hate having my Yin and Yang out of balance, I use the tool kit of recovery and the teachings of the Buddha to bring the balance back, isn't always easy and sometimes I have to swallow my pride and ask for help but I feel wonderful when I am at peace inside and out.



Well the reading of the Grapevine lasted 5 minutes; I am finishing this at 8:30 at night. Thanks for your prayers and positive energy. I wish all of you the best on your journey. Love ya

Peace Love Light

Scott

On top and in the wind

Hey all, this will be short but wanted to share. This morning I was up inside the elevator cleaning, climbing the steel ladders came much easier, was even able to carry broom up a level with me. On the 2nd to the top level you lift off a manhole like cover and sweep the dust and corn into a deep dark hole, this was very un-nerving the first few time a couple of weeks ago, the pitch blackness topped with knowing it is a 100ft drop, today I manuever the covers with little fear. I was told I needed to go outside and clean the top of the annex, the annex is reached by walking across a 50ft catwalk, think of a narrow bridge across a deep gorge like in the movies. The annex itself is 3 concrete bins, 10 stories above the ground. I was able to walk across the catwalk, carrying a broom and a shovel without too much fear. I was able to get comfortable fairly soon, walked around a bit, looked at the town all to get relaxed, by the time I was done I was up against the rail pushing bits of corn over the edge. Oh I forgot to mention the wind was blowing about 20mph.

I have been doing some prayer and mediation on this fear of heights and it is paying off. I have asked for strength to handle the heights when the occasion to work outside finally came around. I have mediated on focusing to be in the moment and the task at in front of me. I honestly believe the prayer and mediation worked, I tapped into an inter source of strength, tapped into being mindful of my surroundings, breathed myself into calmness and did the job I was assigned and paid to do. Thank you God I am no longer coming to work hungover or still intoxicated!

Just thought I would let you all know I was walking around outside 10 stories above the ground and I did it without freezing up or soiling my jeans;)

Peace Love Light
Scott

P.S. see Kristin I can write a short post:)

Happiness/ Inter-Peace

Sitting here this fine Saturday morning, just Carter and me, Mich took Angel with her to a friends last night and hasn't come home yet. Carter is being good as long as I keep the vanilla wafers coming:) Since I wrote the first sentence; we have played with a ball, airplane, watched blues videos on YouTube and taken a shower/bath, taking a bath is Carter's 2nd favorite thing to do after eating, he is now laying in his room talking to himself, he will doze off shortly.

Work is going well, managed to get just over 40hrs last week and 39.5 this week. We had hellish winds Thursday and Friday. I have been working out and around the open bulk storage bunkers, the 40mph gust were threatening to blow my 155lb butt over a few times plus I was covered in dust from head to toe; Thursday when I got out of the shower I looked in the mirror and notice I still had dust caked in the folds of my ears. I have used a shovel and hoe quite a bit, hammer and crow bar to pull 2x4's and remove nails, plus the weed trimmers, I come home sore and tired. But you know what campers, I still like this job! I enjoy the lack of heavy pressure, my co-workers all tell me to just keep myself busy, stop take a break, drink some water if I need to, grab a quick smoke every couple of hours which is another way of resting the muscles. The supervisors are around but not over your shoulder or micro-managing your work.

 I see lots of toads and mice, saw my first rat yesterday it was running across the big pile of corn. I saw a baby bunny no bigger than a hamster the other day, I was trimming, stopped and told it to move along so it wouldn't get hurt, just stood there for a moment and watched it's brown body slowly hop away. I see lots of worms and birds, talk to both of them and play the devil's advocate, warn the worms of the birds and tell the birds have fun searching for the big fat worms. I keep waiting to see a bull snake, they are prairie constrictors who feed on mice, rats and small prairie animals, I think we may be too close to town for their satisfaction. I would like to catch a few bull snakes and try to get them to live around my trailer for mice control but now have my doubts. I will be going to the animal shelter next week to get a half way grown kitten to see if that helps with the mouse problem. No matter how hard I try I can't get ride of the mice, I catch 4 and 4 more show up, the grain storage building behind my house is the biggest contributor to this challenge.

Thursday night my sponsor celebrated 30 years of sobriety, there was a roast pork/potluck supper followed by a meeting for him. I have a lot of love and respect for this man. He took me through the steps, was there for me when Mich was getting into trouble and eventually had to go into a group home. He is big time involved in state level service work, currently he is the state delegate and just returned from GSO in New York. He has guided me in service work, showing me it is about service to AA and not service to me, introduced me to others and helped me get over being shy in large gatherings. He has always told me to try and understand what things mean to me, whether it is a passage from the Big Book, discussion during a service meeting, life experiences etc. Over the last couple of years we haven't had much contact with each other due our work schedules, he is a counselor in a halfway house. When he was in his late 40's he went from being a farmer to a college student, so he was an example for me when I made my decision. We have reunited lately because I am back in state level service work and also my work schedule is such that I can attend more meetings so see him at meetings. He lives recovery, he admits what he is doing wrong and talks about what he needs to do better. He is spiritual and religious but never talks about his religion unless asked, allows others for follow their own path. I was blessed to have him as the man who guide me in my first couple of years in recovery.

I rode to the celebration with my 2nd sponsor as irony would have it. This is the woman who I am doing a Big Book study with and going through the steps again with. She became my sponsor because I saw her every Sunday morning at my home group, would talk to her and when I had a challenge call her because since she is retired I could usually reach her. I share a lot of things in common with her so find her easy to talk to the everyday stuff which gets on my nerves, she is another liberal person living in a pretty hard core conservative area. I will be finishing my 4th step tomorrow and do a 5th step either this Monday or the next. This 4th step is about relationships I have had in recovery, I don't have any resentments but I do need to look closely at the different relationships and also the hurt I allowed my sister in recovery to create within me. I can analyze what I think my part in the relationships are but believe doing a 4th and 5th step with an objective person is healthy. Another thing about this woman is; it has been very helpful to sit down and talk with someone once a week face to face. I am not a good over the phone person whether it is with a sponsor or friend, kind of suck at talking like this but face to face I open up. If I am hurting or confused about something and I need to talk to someone Now, I will make a phone call but still prefer to see someone face to face as soon as I can. I am not keen on taking online classes for this same reason, would much rather a personal interaction than an electronic one.

So it is now Sunday morning, Mich and the kids spent the night at her friends. I am sure living here is a bit of a burden for her because her friends can't come around and drink. I don't mind her drinking as long as the kids are safe. I have to trust her and God that they will not be put in harms way. If anything bad does happen then I just have grab the big bag of tools and do my best with the assistance of others to get through it all.

Last night there was another potluck and speaker gathering, it at guys place in the country west of town. I had planned on going, I got in the truck started driving west, something about driving and listening to some good music changed my mind. I felt the need to just drive and listen to music, I needed to be alone in a round about way. I say round about because I wasn't alone, I had Stevie Ray, Steve Earle and Bob Weir with me, I had my God with me. I took off on the back roads, driving about 55mph, opened my mind and eyes to the beautiful countryside. I got off the paved road and on a gravel road which runs along the Platte river, I was hoping to see some eagles but never did. I was at peace just tooling along the roads with good music playing but not aggressively loud. I like social gatherings but God was calling me to the road, back to my roots of fields and pastures, back to a shallow river winding along a gravel road, washboards and all.

I have been hitting the 5:15pm meeting at least 3 times a week, I get off at 4:30 so by the time I get to town it is meeting time. I have always enjoyed the 5:15 meeting, it is a place to gather with me like me, people seeking the same solution to the challenges in life. My other 2 meetings are my home group and the Saturday noon 12 and 12. I thought I would be going to 8pm meetings but with getting up at 5:45am I am tired and ready for bed by 9pm or 10pm at the latest. I is a pleasure to be able to hit meetings again, to interact with newcomers and people who have been around awhile. I am making some new friends and reached out to a couple of new guys who were hurting. We can only keep what we have by passing it on  and everyone needs to know they are not alone or others have felt the same pain.

I checked my favorite blogs this morning and read http://octoberonine.blogspot.com/, she titled her post Happiness, I was going to change the title of this post but have decided not to, so E here is my comment back to you my friend.

I titled this Happiness/Inter-peace because this is what happiness is all about to me. It is the simple things in life, it is contentment in the mundane ordinary ups and downs in life. Even when I wasn't content with my job I found inter-peace, I found the inter-peace in just living the life which is in front of me. The good in life always out weighs the bad if we have the awareness to look for it. I have stuff going on right now which makes me a bit uncomfortable but who doesn't. Recovery has opened my mind and eyes, the spiritual awakening is seeing life in a different way. I don't like being too high or low, I like my Yin and Yang to be in balance. When the Yin and Yang get out of balance the HP nudges me to do something, like keep on driving past a social event and look at the world out my window, so smell the rain, the plants, to see things I sometimes missed when I was trapped in my addiction. I was a nature freak in my addiction too but my vision was blurred, I would see nature for a bit then it was gone because my brain would go to the dark place of self pity and despair.

The Big Book has helped my see the world around me but so have books by the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh. Having said this; I can read all I want but unless I put the words into action I am still stuck in my own pile of shit. I can have faith in my God all I want but unless I do some footwork God will not show me the things I need to see nor hear the things I need to hear.

In each thing I wrote about there is happiness and inter-peace because I was present for each and everyone. At this mornings meeting we talked about ththise common solution which has given us a way out. I have found it is from  common solution I find peace and happiness.

Well campers I need to wash up yesterdays dishes, then I am helping a friend move. Hope all of you are well and know you are loved.

Peace Love Light
Scott

A Week in the Sun

This isn't exactly like the elevator I am working at but it is close enough to give you an idea of what I will be talking about.

I started work on Monday, the morning was spent watching training and safety videos. After lunch the production supervisor who will be my boss took me on a tour of the plant and grounds. When I did the interview with the plant manager, he never mentioned there would be times when I would be asked to assist in cleaning the elevator from top to bottom. We first went to the shop, it was nice and organized, next we went to the elevator, my boss asked me if I was afraid of heights, well yeah I am kind of:( Side note; If you don't know it, corn dust is very explosive, so federal regulations require there be no more than an 1/8 of an inch anywhere inside of the elevator. Inside the elevator there are large tubes which transfer grain from various bins, also different pits and machines used for taking grain in and out of the elevator. We ended up at almost the very top of the elevator outside on the platforms, this is where the fear of heights kicks in, we had to climb some ladders made with round steel bars which for me are less secure feeling than wide step ladder rungs, there are cages around these ladders for safety though. On one platform there is a machine which vibrates shaking cobs, dirt clods and other debris from the corn before it is sent down a chute to be loaded on a truck, picture me standing on a 15ft by 6ft platform with only a guard rail between me and the ground some 200ft below. We also crossed a 30ft cat walk from the main bins to annex bins. So here I was walking around the top of a grain elevator probably 10 stories above the ground, checking out conduit and being shown how to clean up spills when the conduit leaks, we found one conduit where a bolt had broke through leaving a pile of corn, so it need fixed and clean in the very near future, my mind goes shit will I be up here tomorrow cleaning this up.

Driving home Monday my thoughts were turning to "what have I got myself into"? If I would have been told I would need to clean on top of the elevator and annex bins on occasion I might not of been so eager to accept the job.

Here is how the God of my understanding works in my life. I have been seeing my sponsor on Tuesday's, listening to Joe and Charlie review the Big Book and going through the steps. With my new hours Tuesday evenings won't work for her, so we changed it to Monday. I got to her house told her about the job and my day, had a good laugh over the height thing, yes there is a beautiful view of Gibbon and the surround country side but the view wasn't completely on my mind while I was up there even though I did look around. The section of the Big Book we listened to was the section on fear as it applies to the 4th step. You got it, just what I needed to hear. The solution to fear, is prayer and mediation. You would think I know this which I do but it wasn't in the forefront of my mind, so God gave me this reminder, every morning on the way to work I have prayed for strength to overcome this fear, to be aware of all the safety devices installed which keep me safe and the knowledge in time I will be walking around up there like a pro. I haven't been on top of the elevator since so not sure how the pray and mediation is going to work out:)

Tuesday, Wednesday and 1/2 of Thursday I spent with a gas powered weed eater over my shoulder. The plant has 2 large corn bunkers like the one in the picture, huge corn piles surround by a wall, there are also 3 large steel buildings east of town which hold grain during harvest. My job was to trim away all the weeds from the edges plus any areas which couldn't be taken care of by a mower. I suppose the trimmer weighs about 20lbs, my arms, hands and wrist were sore by the end of the day but I didn't mind, I was so grateful to be out of manufacturing and basking in the sunlight of the Spirit.

My awareness kicked in right off the bat. I notice the different types of plants, how some grow on the north side and others on the south side, noticed their color, fragrance if any, I chopped up a small patch of wild marijuana of which I still love the smell of. I thought about the Native Americans, I wondered which plants they used for food, medicine or other things, one plant has tough fibers so I wondered if they used the fibers like thread. I took in the smells, the smell of corn took me back to the years spending time on my uncles farm which was a mile away from our home. My boss called the smell of wet rotting grain a horrible stench but to me it was full of memories of a simpler time and place, the days of the small family farmer, of feeding corn to cattle and hogs.

This week it has been hot and muggy, high humidity and no rain except for .20 inches Wednesday night but I was enjoying every minute of it. The trimmer has plastic blades which need replaced once they are worn down, between replacing the blades and refilling the gas tank I was able to take small breaks, drink some water and rest my arms, God was looking out for me campers.

Thursday I was sent home shortly after lunch because there wasn't any work for me to do. There are 5 full time employees, all nice guys, 2 of the guys take care of the elevator doing maintenance and cleaning, 2 guys work in the open corn bunkers loading trucks and moving corn around so it can dry and one guy is a jack of all trades, does a lot of equipment maintenance. Thursday we didn't load any trucks, so 4 of the 5 guys were assigned to cleaning and doing maintenance on the elevator and other odd jobs which left me out of odd jobs. My boss told me not to come in at 7 on Friday, he would call me at 9 and let me know if he had work for me to do. So once again fear set in, fear of not getting enough hours to make ends meet. I prayed on the way home knowing with some financial discipline and faith, God would take care of me. I was called in Friday, the boss had a bunch of 2x4's which need to be removed from the edges of the bunkers, once remove I was to drive the nails out and move them to a different location. I worked from 9:45 to 4:30, had to stop a few times to assist the shop guy so it was an easy day. I also had a "duh" moment when I checked my hours, I work 7 to 4:30, I didn't calculate this before hand but it isn't an 8 hour day but a 9 hour day, 1/2 hour lunch, so even if I get cut lose on occasion I am still getting close to 40 hours, sweet relief.

So far this job change has been positive, my supervisors are good guys who thank their people for a job done well, I like the guys I work with they are all friendly and helpful without being smart asses, I enjoy working outside, my arms are turning the color of a coffee bean very fast, there isn't a lot of stress or pressure, we are given jobs and trusted to get them done. I am sure I will have down days, get bent out of share by job, be muscle sore, get really tired of a tedious task, I have to wear a hard hat and it kind of sucks. What I have remember is the reason I changed jobs and be grateful for finding this one and the new freedoms it allows me.

Having my evenings and weekends free is a joy. I have been able to go to meetings. I have my flower garden all planted, put the bulbs in last week which was the last thing to do, now I need to buy some tomato and pepper plants and maybe a cucumber plant for the pots. I have been able to adjust my sleep pattern fairly quickly, awake at 5:45am and asleep by 10ish. Mich has been fairly good at doing the housework and keeping dishes washed. I cook supper but don't mind, I prefer to cook what I am in the mood for and try to make it something the kids will eat also. I have put pressure on Mich about a couple of things and will continue to do so. Angel and Carter are just who they are, 2 little kids who want to be with their papa as much as possible, Angel loves to watch me cook and help out, I have carefully allowed her to stir things, hold the mixer when I mix a cake mix, scramble eggs and other things, yeah she is kind of in my way but believe this is something special between us and she is learning in the process. Carter is just a very busy 2 year old, swear the kid is ADHD, he is teaching me more about patience, he is also very stubborn so I have to think of creative ways to correct his wrong behavior. Mich is good about correcting the kids but when I am home they both gravitate towards me, she does understand I need my space and helps me get it as much as possible.

Well campers, this is how things are going in my world. I hope and pray your lives are going well and you are finding some peace, love and light. Remember to take the time to smell the wonderful smells of spring and listen to the birds sing and squirrels chat.

Peace Love Light
Scott