What a Challenge

Hey all!! Angel is pretend reading Grapevines to Carter, they are sitting in Carter's crib, surrounded by Grapevines and being good for the moment.



I received a big kick in the groin on Wednesday; Mich has to serve another week in jail. They didn't tell her until Wednesday morning, shock to both of us because she was ready to get out and so was I for different reasons. They gave her 7 more days for probation neglect/violation. What messed me up was not having childcare lined up for Thursday and Friday. Thanks to whatever Divine Karmic force there is, 2 people helped me out and I was able to work full days.



I wasn't given assistance for 40 hours of daycare but Mich was given 20 hours for job searching and the daycare I put the kids in said they would use her assistance from HHS. This has allowed me to work plus a friend has helped some and Carter's dad took the kids for a few days too. I have been able to work only 30 hours last couple of weeks but at least it is money coming in. The daycare has been very good for both kids. Angel really likes it even though it is a battle every morning when I drop her off; she is not a morning person for 1 and I think she still has fears about being left and not being picked back up. Carter is being good at daycare and they love him, think having a confined space helps him from getting into stuff; he only has so much stuff he can mess with.



I have to admit these 4 weeks have been a big challenge to my sanity and serenity. Both kids are a handful for different reasons. Carter has a very limited attention span and further more is very bull headed. He is very persistent about doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it. I have tried a variety of things to discipline him, holding him down in time out, setting him in his crib, I have been upset enough to pop him on the butt or thigh and all to no avail. The biggest problems with him are getting into the fridge, messing with the stove, getting mad and hitting, throwing food on the floor. I have gotten after him more times than I can count on these things and he still does them.



Angel minds better but with her our fights are over how she handles the kitty, plus sassing back. Time out works with her but I have lost my temper on how she has handles the kitty.





Getting the kitty at this time wasn't one of my brighter ideas. I found the kitten via a Facebook for sale group. The kitten came from a farm which to me means mama was a good varmint catcher which is what I wanted for hopefully getting rid of the mice. He is a sweet little guy very playful. He made himself right at home, no crying at night, used the litter box right away and didn't hiss at the dog. Over the last few days the kitty and dog have become best of friends, running around the house playing together, I have had to move them off my bed because they want to play on the bed when I am trying to go to sleep at night. Another reason for wanting a young kitten was I figured the dog would accept it easier than I older cat and vise a versa. The kitten is also very good with the kids, hasn't swatted them for how they carry him.



I have been hitting a meeting here and there and talk to my sponsor every couple of days. My bits of frustration only last a few minutes, well maybe 15 or so, they come and go. I am not stressed all the time just moments when I need some me time and either one or both of the kids is in need or want of attention. I do understand part of their acting out in negative ways is because they miss their mom and don't know how to express their feelings. Carter is fine going with his dad but Angel has mixed emotions, she expresses in her own little way she would rather stay with papa.



I have tried to express to Mich how much of a strain her not following probation and the judge’s orders have placed on the kids and me but I doubt she really understands. It took me working really working the steps to fully comprehend the impact my actions had on others.



There have been many lessons learn for both Mich and me during this time. I expect her to get a job once she gets out, one where the hours are the same as daycare, so the kids get the benefit of it. She needs to file for custody of Carter and also make me Power of Attorney. I can't control her actions but I can set up some rules for her to follow if she lives here. I found out just how much she was dragging her feet on the HHS assistance or just plan out bullshitting me. There is still a part of me that takes it easier on her than I should at certain times due to my actions when I was an active drunk. I need things like this to happen to make me work on me.



I am doing my best breathe campers. I appreciate the time I have to do just a bit for me, whether it is a meeting, talking to my sponsor, hitting the store alone. I am thankful for the people who have helped me through this, those who have stepped up and taken care of the kids for me, my niece has really been there to allow me time for meetings and a bit of me time, helps she is in recovery and understands what I really need. I appreciate the new Joe Walsh album which has a few songs about recovery and gratitude on it, I appreciate Pink Floyd Echoes album which just flat out allows me to drift into another world, music more than the words have a real calming effect on me.



I am really using the 3rd step, understand what I have control over and what I don't. I haven't craved a drink or drug since this all started and that my friends are a wonderful thing. The 3rd step has always been a learning process for me. I have faced a lot of challenges in recovery, every time accepted the things I couldn't, changed those I could, knew the difference and trusted the God of my understanding, by doing this my serenity has stayed fairly well intact. I hate having my Yin and Yang out of balance, I use the tool kit of recovery and the teachings of the Buddha to bring the balance back, isn't always easy and sometimes I have to swallow my pride and ask for help but I feel wonderful when I am at peace inside and out.



Well the reading of the Grapevine lasted 5 minutes; I am finishing this at 8:30 at night. Thanks for your prayers and positive energy. I wish all of you the best on your journey. Love ya

Peace Love Light

Scott