Conflict is just an 8 letter word

First let me say I am not happy about waking up at 8:00am, I should have been able to sleep until 10am or so since I only had 4 hours sleep the night before. My body clock is all screwed up from working different shifts, 7am-3pm last couple of times, 3pm-11pm more times than not. Having said that I love what I do and understand I am the go to guy for working what ever shift needs covered. Also even though I am not happy about something doesn't mean I don't accept it, I am just expressing something that is in my head and irritating. The positive light on getting up a couple of hours before I wanted to is that I am rereading a book I want to introduce to one of the counselors, so my God is giving me more time to read it before I pass it on to her, I want to make sure my motive for loaning her the book is correct.

This first paragraph is really a good lead in to what I want to write about, accepting the thing I cannot change, changing the thing I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I have a coworker who's personality grates on me. She is snobbish, a bit of a diva which she owns, judgemental on the negative side and a gossip. Most of you know I come from a working class hero background, my parents both come from poor farmer linage, there were periods in my life when we had very little money but my dad busted his butt to pay the bills and feed us, social styles where something we couldn't afford to waste money on. The other thing is like a few others out there, I was a oddball as a kid, I never fit into boyish boy role that society portrays young boy's to be, sports didn't interest me but they didn't my dad either so I feel this disinterest comes from him, the same can be said for killing things, hot cars or pickups, wood shop, welding, power tools, violence and a few other things that are common among boys as they mature, does anyone really know what mature means. I do have a strong attraction to women but I was raise with a very modest almost Puritanical view on the human body and sex, which is a curse and a blessing, so I did have this in common but was reserved in how I talked about it. I was shunned by the pretty/popular people in my formative years, they were the materialistic status loving vain and I was intellectually and eccentrically vain. My refuge came from my interest in arts and philosophy, from music, books and nature. I have been blessed that via my travels as a member of the Air Force. I have experienced many cultures, lifestyles, I have known people from all over the US and the world, my mind is open I have accepted and absorbed all their differences with interest and awareness in the fact that we may be different but we are all a part of the big ONE. My alcoholism and addiction both in and out of recovery has allowed me to experience and associate with the lowest of the low and even some of the highest of the high. These are all things that form my views and prejudices/ignorance's. I tend to champion the underdogs, the misunderstood, the eccentrics, those who march to the beat of their own drummer, I am Atticus Finch with Dylan's aloofness and Waylon's attitude. Yes I pride myself on being tolerant, it is alright to laugh out loud about what you just read!! So this coworker and I sit at different ends of the proverbial lunchroom of life.

Now back to the coworker. Saturday night the treatment center took our clients to a recovery event called Soberoke, sober karaoke, this coworker was part of the staff that went along. The clients for the most part really enjoy doing this and some of the staff get up and sing as well. I worked Sunday morning and a few of the clients told me about the event, which former clients where there, one girl said she saw her boyfriend there who is going through treatment at a different facility. My only comments to these breeches of anonymity were that I was glad to hear that the former clients where there especially a couple of them who's recovery I had concern for. I did not pass on this information to the person I was working with because I figured she would find out on her own if the clients wished to tell her. At shift change the coworker who I have a conflict with showed up for the following shift and she starts telling all about who was at Soberoke, about the one girl seeing her boyfriend and that she was surprised he didn't seem that bad, she mentioned that she saw a former client and that the former client seemed to have a thing going with a guy that comes to the treatment center to speak, she also made a comment about the girlfriend of another former client a guy that is pretty alternative in appearance, lots of piercings and tattoo's, saying she was surprise how nice his girlfriend was, implying that since he was an alt she expected him to be with some freaky girl. The way she said things was done in a very gossipy manner and very judgemental and this rubbed me the wrong way, I finally said something about anonymity even though when I said it, what she was talking about wasn't a breech of anonymity but my tired brain just wanted her to stop talking, so I didn't engage God conscienceness and just made a comment to change the subject with an attempt to move on.

I thought about this whole conversation on the drive home and my personality conflict with my coworker and realized I do need to talk to my supervisor about it. Besides the personality conflict I feel this is very unprofessional behavior on her part. When I got home I talked to my sponsor, who is a drug and alcohol counselor. I told him about the gossip about how she has an ignorance and her dislike for low bottoms and social alternatives and how here comments to other staff members about the more eccentric clients is said with disgust and lack of compassion. I told him about my perceptions about what she said. He told me my personal problems with the coworker where not important as far as work goes unless I start saying inappropriate things to her out of dislike, hopefully I won't, when I have worked with her in the past and she starts belittling clients or others I just get up and walk away. My sponsor advised that when I talk to my supervisor that I should tell him that my concern is that the coworker is acting in a non-professional manner and not being objective, he told me if I really wanted to I could state that from a recovery and spiritual side that I find this offensive but that I shouldn't go any further than that. I will make an appointment to visit with my supervisor because I need to air my views. I need to do this for my own recovery and out of concern for the clients. I don't know what this coworker writes down in her notes about the clients but if she has such strong opinions about them in private then I am afraid this is reflecting on her notes about them. I am also concern about what may is being said outside of the staff break room, this coworker and some others hang out and have drinks together, I could care less about the drinking, I am the alcoholic not them but I do know the effect alcohol has on ones ability to speak objectively especially if you already have a tendency to trash talk about people.

I may not like this coworker as a person but I have to respect and accept her as a coworker. I am grateful I am aware of my feelings today and can do the footwork needed to address the problem. I am grateful I have a 12 step program and a spiritual path that allows me to work on my character defects. That I try a little every day to be a better person even towards those I am prejudice against. I am grateful I understand that all of us are sick in our own way and we aren't perfect which mainly reflects back on me. I am grateful my sponsor is in the same career field I am in and can share his experience, strength and hope on more levels than just being another drunk trying to live life on life's terms. I am grateful today that when I have a conflict in my life I don't have to mill it over in my head for hours, that I can talk to someone about it, that I can pray on it, that I can be honest enough to share it with my blogger peeps, because there was a time when my pride wouldn't have allowed me to do any of this. I can't say enough about the gift of awareness, the gift of having the God of my understanding entering into my life and for the changes that has brought about, for the promises being a reality today.

Thanks for listening campers. I just wanted you all to know that I have conflicts too and I need to air them out with you with in a healthy manner.

Peace Love and Light to all!!!
Scott

The Master uses Different Paint

I woke this morning and found out the Master artist had changed the color of It's paints, It was using to color this part of the world. There is a lot of white covering things. My lawn is covered in white, the tree's have felt the stroke of the brush in fact every thing but the warm pavement is at least partially covered in white. I must admit I am not a winter person, I love being outdoors but not when the temperature drops below 40 degrees. I don't mind snow though, I see the beauty in it, the touch of the Master Painter giving me a different view outside my windows, giving me another chance to be truly aware of this gift we call life. Some of my Facebook friends are bitching about the snow and I feel sad for them, sad because their eyes are closed, sad because they still haven't grasped steps 11 and 12, someday I hope they do because I love these people.

I am grateful I have a warm house to live in. That I have the money to keep the electricity on so I can keep the coffee flowing, make some soup for late lunch or early supper. I am grateful that I can sit here in thin sleep pants, t-shirt and barefoot and write about stuff on my laptop in comfort. I am grateful for the little white dog at my feet, the one that lays on top of me while I sleep. I am grateful I had a Friday night off and was able to go to meeting I really like with people I am close to but have missed because of my work schedule. I am grateful that today people who I haven't seen in a while welcome with smiles and hugs, unspoken "I missed you". I am grateful for the new people in my life, that I can tease them and they can tease me in return. I am grateful, and this may sound egotistical or weird, but when I speak I speak from the heart and no longer bullshit people in an attempt to impress or feel superior, God gives me the words and I am It's messenger. I never felt or feel comfortable bullshitting anyway, it just seems ugly to me, oh I still slip every once in a while but I get this nasty gut feeling when I do it. Even though I haven't heard from my daughter all week I am grateful that I know she is safe and that God is taking care of her, my granddaughter and the baby inside my daughter.

A little snow is just a part of life where I live, hell a lot of snow and ice is a part of life also. Snow will come and snow will go and each day begins anew. Today I didn't come to from drinking too much last night. I haven't opened my frig to check out how much beer I have nor I am I on my 6Th one by noon, I don't have to leave the house to get more beer to make it through the weekend.

Tomorrow I am working my first early Sunday shift, 7am to 3pm. We have a 10:30am group discussion on Spirituality and Mediation. My young coworker, the same one who I do the anger management group with is working with me. I bought a copy of Came To Believe yesterday and read part of it last night, today I plan on reading the rest, it has been a couple of years since I last read it and I gave my copy to a friend in jail. I am hoping that I can find a story or 2 in the book that will be appropriate for the beginners at the treatment center, if nothing else there is always the 11Th step chapter in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to read, followed by listening to a mediation CD. Since tomorrow morning will be slow my coworker and I can go over the material and I will listen to her input and we should be able to come up with a plan for the group. God will give us the answer to our question and deliver the message the way it is intended to be heard, as long as I do a bit of footwork and keep the big "ME" out of it.

Well campers it is time to take a hot shower, then do some house work, plus I have some dry bread for the birds and tree rats to eat, I need to move the bird seed from the shed to the house so it is easier to get to now that God has announced that winter is on the way. Oh yeah a bit of Tran-Siberian Orchestra is in order to mark the coming of the celibration for a carpenter's son who was born to teach people about love, kindness and compassion, TSO really understands the meaning of Christmas without being over the top either commercially or preachy, if you have never listened to Old City Bar by them please check it out it is a beautiful song and talks about how wonderful humans can really be.

Peace Love and Light to all
Scott

Randoming

Going to try and do this bullet point thing since there are no big stories to tell.

I completed phase 1 of the medical training, I can now give medication to the clients, it is all about precise documentation and following the directions thoroughly

Not sure when I will go to CPR and first aid but that isn't a problem since first aid is well ingrained in my mind

I thanked God for waking me up in just enough time to make it to the training class plus giving me those green traffic lights,

One of my dad's sister's pasted on, but it was a blessing, she has been gone mentally for about 5 years and was only exsisting as a person, she is at peace now, sad thing is there are only 2 of the 8 kids from my dad's side alive, a generation is coming to an end.

My daughter has moved to a nice income based apartment, she is on her own, no boyfriend, now she has the chance to experience the responsiblities of paying bills and make ends meet.

My daughter and granddaughter are coming down to visit next weekend, it will be their first visit at my house, going to buy Angel some winter clothes, plus need to get some toys for the house, did I ever tell you I love being a Grandpa!!

My daughter is also getting things together to start winter college classes at a community college and I am so greateful

Just because someone has 12 years sober doesn't always mean they act that way, a misunderstanding has erupted into name calling and I am not participating

Thank you God for a good sponsor

Greatful also for having the God conscience it talks about in the 10th step because today I don't react to others behaviors out of spite or one upmanship

I have had to put my sandals in the closet for the most part, cold weather has come to Nebraska so out come the Doc's, not happy about having to wear shoes but such is life in the midwest and the cycle of seasons, not ready for the cold north winds but I would move from here either, well not at this point in my life anyway, give me another 20 years and San Jose or Austin might be more tempting

The leaves are starting to change and fall from the trees, haven't had a frost yet but will before too long, over night temps in the 40's

New avenues opening up, next week I will work a few day shifts, which gives me a chance to sit in on sessions between counselors and clients, I find this very interesting and challenging, it will give me a better understanding of the counselors and the reasons they have clients work on certain projects plus the counselors will get to know me better

I am greatful that I am respected by my peers and the counselors, God has done for this old grease monkey what he couldn't have done for himself

Made a new friend on Sunday, a young woman in her late 20's who's taste in things are older, might ask her if she wants to check out a Greek restarant that we both know about but have never eaten at, she likes ethinic food as much as I do plus the simplier things in life, turning it over to God

I have official made the Tuesday night meeting my home group, I will now tell my supervisor I am not available on Tuesday evenings, I am greatful for finding a home group and also greatful that I am secure enough with the job to ask for one evening a week off without fear of being called a slacker

Life is good in all ways, thanks to being sober, thanks to the God of my understanding, thanks to good meetings, thanks to a good sponsor, thanks to living the 12 steps to the best of my abliity on a daily bases, thanks to having you wonderful bloggers who give such great meetings between meetings.

I would have never dreamed that I would be able to handle lifes little bouts of anxiety so easlily and quickly, I feel the anxiety for what it is, share a cup of coffee with it, give it to to God and move on, some times we share a few cups of coffee but the anxiety doesn't last for days on in like it use to.

Well campers once again I have proven that I am long winded when I put my fingers to the keyboard, the insecure me would call this a character defect but the awaken me knows it is just who I am and I can dig that.

Peace Love and Light to all, may the sunlight of the Spirit shine upon you!!!
Scott

Did I Shave my legs for this!!

No I don't shave my legs, but Deana Carter has been playing on the sound system in my brain, not a bad thing because I love her music. Sad truth folks, I like me some simple country music right along with my Dylan, Jackson Browne, Joni, Neil, Clash, Allman Bros, Little Feat, Woody and Muddy etc. Really though think about it, how often have we done something wanting special results only have to have them be mediocre or disappointing. I may not shave my legs, but I have put on nice clothes, a bit of cologne only to walk away saying "shit that didn't work out the way I wanted and I put so much thought and effort into it". So goes life, we do the footwork and yet things still don't turn out the way we want them to. But we don't give up, we will shave our legs, we will press our nicest clothes, trim the eyebrow, nose and ear hair and try again because we can't give up, because we trust our God that somewhere along the path called life what we want may become a reality if we work for it. This isn't just about relationships, it is about anything in life, replacing that beater car, finding a job that is fulfilling, hell finding a job in general for some, making lasting and healthy friendships with others on this path, helping others in recovery, the list could go on and on. The outside appearance is laughably what we feel is important to us but it is really the inside, the emotional and spiritual that is important to our God and fellows. So thanks Deana for helping me look at life from a humorous angle.

We have 7 clients at the treatment center leaving this coming week. Most of these people entered treatment about the same time I started working there on a regular bases, meaning 3 to 4 days a week. These are my kids, these are the women and men myself and others have done all we can to help them not return to the life they were living prior to coming to us. I know some of them won't make it, I won't even guess which ones they will be because in the past I have thought someone just wasn't willing enough and then they would have a spiritual experience of some kind and start to grow in leaps and bounds. It is hard to not get attached to the clients after spending anywhere from 35-50 days with them a few times a week, I now understand how people in the medical field have to guard themselves from becoming too emotionally attached to their patients. I don't place high expectations on any of them but as a recovering alcoholic and addict myself I have a special love for them, a love born out of having walked in their moccasins, the love one alcoholic/addict has for another. My parting words to each one will be "go to meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps" I have shared my experience, strength and hope with them the best that I can but the bottom line is they have to be willing to do the footwork and people who stay sober, go to meetings, have a good sponsor and work the steps, later they will hopefully find service work, spend time in prayer and mediation, read and understand the literature but for now the basics will serve them well if they do the footwork.

Quick bit of humor, Friday night was movie night and they were watching a stupid horror movie, some of the clients don't like horror movies and neither do I so we broke out a deck of cards and after throwing around different card games to play we settled on Spades, one young girl had never played Spades before but was willing to learn. Well she learned and we created a monster. It was really fun watching her learn to read the other players and figure what cards to play by thinking about what had already been played. When she finished she said she was now addicted to playing Spades and it was cool because now she knows she can have a lot of fun playing cards sober with sober people. It was a simple gift of recovery and I was grateful that I was there to watch it happen.

Monday I have an all day class to get my medical certification for work. It is basic first aid and also learning how to check blood pressure, learning about giving our medications and minor things like that. This is a whole new world for me. I have had first aid training while I was in the military so that isn't anything new but the rest is. I have spent my whole working career up to this point being involve in one form or another with mechanical related jobs. I am a bit nervous about this training, the medical world seems scary because so much is at stake even if it is only minor, the self doubt kind of creeps in, the self talk says "your hands are those of a working man". But on the other hand I am excited, this is part of the new path I have taken in my life, the path to be of service to God and others. Tomorrow I will wake up with a clear head because I didn't drink the night before, it will do a bit of prayer and mediation so my mind is focused on the task at hand and I will trust my God to help me along the way.

Well my friends I need to get in the shower and get ready for work, my kids await.

Peace Love and Light to all!!
Scott

Positively Rambling

Hang on folks cause I got ramblin on the mind!!!

My thoughts this morning are on the positive, o.k. it is really afternoon but I just got up an hour ago so it is morning to me. When I share in meetings I am like some others, I stick with a positive message, the message of hope, the message of love, the message of peace and of God. I try to do the same in my writings and interaction with the clients at the treatment center. All this positive talk doesn't mean that I don't have problems in my life, I do and try to interject the fact that I am not perfect. I am more likely to talk about struggles here on this blog than in a recovery room, when I do talk about difficulties in recovery rooms it is in a general way, the details are left for my sponsor and close adviser's . The blog is a great outlet for journaling what I am going through, I can't always talk to my sponsor so writing things down help, beside most of my stuff is very trivial, having said that I know that it is the trivial stuff kept to myself that can be dangerous to my recovery. What I share here is always share with my sponsor or someone else in recovery though, sometimes I write the blog first then share because it is a faster outlet for me right now.

Back to positive I think? I was at an NA meeting last night, the only one I attend on a regular bases. I love this meeting, one they don't read all the normal NA prereadings which have a purpose but take up too much time in my opinion. At this meeting we read from the NA book, each week we read a chapter from the book, people read a paragraph and the last person to read is the first person to share and then we go around the circle sharing until the time is up, those that attend this meeting stick to solution and stay away from the problem, cause we all know how to use really well. We are currently reading the stories from the back of the book. The story last night was from a founding member of Japan's NA. The author talked about being the "perfect NA member" and how that lack of exposure to the fellowship had caused her and others to have the perception that once you got clean you stayed clean and you strive for perfection, she originally didn't accept relapses, I was laughing inside at this notion, over time she abandoned this notion and her mind was opened; she had a mental and spiritual relapse. She reminded me of how sometimes we place ourselves and our recovery on a pedestal and it is only by going to meetings and being around newcomers that we maintain some measure of humility. The people I admire the most in recovery are those who share in a general way that they still have problems in life but maintain an attitude of gratitude. No matter how many 24hours we have, we are only one drink or drug away from going back to a life of insanity, insanity fueled by deadly substances that tell us they are our best friends and those people in the rooms are the sick ones. This is what happened to me when I went back out, my disease coupled with some resentments at a few members told me you all were a sick cult, who's aim was to take away my individuality and personal spiritual freedom, smile if you want to, my disease was the cult not AA or NA as a whole. I feel the newcomer needs to hear the message in a positive manner in order to feel some hope, they need to hear the person with a lot of 24 hours share that life still has it's bumps but they have found a solution and they share the solution with a smile.

Having ups and downs in life is normal. Having painful growth experiences happen even to the best of us. The older we are the more we experience loss, whether it is deaths or the absence of those we are closest to or love the most. These are not joyful experiences but we can share about them with touch of hope. We share that we didn't have to drink or use during this time of loss, that the fellowship rallied around us and carried us through. Financial and medical problems are another example of suffering that we overcome and share about with hope, even if we have to dig deep we can find a positive side to these difficulties. I feel that by sharing our positive outlook on life we can have a meaningful impact on the newcomer or anyone who is going through a rough time in recovery. Sharing about difficulties in a spiritual light has a impact on me for sure. When I hear an old timer share that life still has it's flat tires it reminds that I will never have this thing called life beat and seeing that old timer still going to meetings after all these years reminds me that no matter what I need meetings for the rest of my life if I am to maintain this positive outlook on life. Some times you hear the newcomer say, "you people are just too damn happy" which does seem to be the case but it is happiness found from learning to live life on life's terms in a positive light instead of the vile negative light of our drinking and using years. That same newcomer once they have stayed around will later say "I understand the happiness now, thanks for giving me hope."

Oh I was so right about this being a ramble on post, cue the Led Zeppelin Mr.DJ. What I am trying to say is that it is important for me to share my difficulties, to be humble enough to admit I still have flat tires but in doing so I need share that the flat tire didn't make me curl up in a ball and give the middle finger to life and recovery programs. That even in the darkness of emotional and spiritual pain there is the light of the spirit shining through. That light comes from those with more time than me who share their difficulties in life with an emphasis on the positive side. It isn't always easy to focus on the positive, a lot of the newcomers I work with get discouraged because the light they see in others eyes seems impossible for them to obtain but all I can do is encourage them to stay sober, keep talking, to have faith in anything they can grasp at the time that works, to use the power of hope to guide them, to confront myself or others who always seem to be in a positive mood and question us. Speaking for myself alone, caring the message in a positive manner, sharing my experience, strength and hope in a positive light is a responsibility and one that I don't take lightly. Thank God there are others who feel the same way, both in the rooms I attend and my friends here in bloggerville, because of you I am able to maintain the spiritual path of gratitude. Yes I have to have prayer and mediation also to see me through, so no I wasn't minimizing this aspect of recovery.

No we are not perfect AA or NA members but that is the beauty of it all. We are humans and we have our struggles great and small, we share these with each other and that loneliness we once felt during our active addiction goes away. Thank God for inspiring Bill and the other pioneers who developed such a wonder fellowship, may we never take it for granted, may I never become so "well" that I don't need it, may I always be aware that my gift of being positive can disappear if I stop taking action.

Here is the reason I made sure I attended the NA meeting. The other night after an AA meeting a few of use where talking somehow we got on the subject of natural hallucinogenics, various plant seeds that will give you a trip. My mind temporarily played with the notion because I like to trip. One little trip might lead me back to using alcohol and other substance because once I escape reality I want to do it more and more, the nature of the allergy kicks in, I start craving the effect produced by mind altering substances. Everything in my life is going really well right now, I love my job, I have enough money to live on, I have wonderful friends, my daughter is doing well even with her struggles that I am powerless over, my granddaughter is healthy and happy, my mother is in good health, there is nothing that I have to complain about, even the realization that there are couple of aspect of my life that aren't going in the direction I want them too aren't important enough to get upset over. This sickness I have is very patient, it can sit dormant just waiting for a moment of weakness, like a poisonous snake hiding in the tall grass it waits for me to stand still then it strikes. I can be in the most remote parts of the world and if I want to get high I will find a way, if the snake bites me. I need meetings to remind that once I give in to any drug what so ever I start a pattern of living that is deadly for me and destructive for all around me. My drug of choice is alcohol, mainly beer but other drugs are just as dangerous, they are gateways back to my drug of choice. I need to attend an NA meeting a few times a month to remind me of this, that I have an addictive personality and if I stop doing the footwork of recovery then I will have no mental defense against the first drug that sounds good to me, it will start out being just for fun but the end result is anything but fun!!!!!
Peace Love and Light
Scott

Language of the Heart

First off don't buy a chocolate cream pie from the bakery at WalMart they really suck, stick with the Mrs.Smith frozen ones!!!

My group discussion went really well last night, one of the techs in recovery complimented me on doing a good job, he has over 20 years in recovery so this made me feel really good. The clients gave really good examples of suffering and when I asked them how many of these could result in anger they said everyone. I talked about desire and about the "I want" explaination of desire. I then read the Big Book passages but then I was momentarily stumped, I really hadn't thought about how I was going to work this into a deeper discussion, I am too use to meeting where people just pick up on this and start talking, the silence I felt was shocking for a brief few seconds. The promise of God doing for me what I can't do for myself via prayer and mediation kicked in and I started sharing about me and my recovery. I shared a bit about death, how my wants caused suffering and anger. I talked about my ex wifes suicide and how it effected me in my drinking years and how I have learned to accept it in recovery and how it can still make me angry on occasion. Then I started talking about expectations and how they effect me and alcoholics and addicts in general. We have one young client who is struggling a bit with wanting things NOW, I used her as an example of placing too high of expectations on ones self, I also told the clients how I had placed pretty high expectations of leading this discussion on myself much more than any expectations they may have of me. I told them I am my worst enemy when it comes to expectations. how failed expectations can lead to self anger. I shared a lot more about prayer, mediation and spirituality than I had planned. Once again God stepped in because the language of the heart took over. I read pages 86 and 87 and explained how it works in my life and those of others I know. I talked to them about how simple it can be, to not over complecate pray and mediation, about how I have learned to simply stop doing what I am doing and focus on my breathing. I also talked to them about focusing on the task at hand, whether that is reading, drinnking a beverage, doing a chore or as bad as it seems even smoking a cigarette. I shared that when my mind is racing I can stop the racing by stopping and focusing on the here and now. I emphasised over and over that it takes practice but in time we become aware of how to handle things. I shared about how important pray is first thing in the morning because it puts our minds on a positive plain, our focus on doing the right thing. I read the 3rd step prayer and explained how I use the part about removing the bondage of self as part of my morning prayer because "self" is the enemy in dealing with others and also contributes to my lack of serenity, self will run riot. I also shared about the first pray most of us say, the one said when we are in trouble, trouble cause by alcohol or drugs, "God Help Me" I shared about how I had said this laying in a jail cell and from this prayer came the decision to enter a treatment facility. I explained again how their Higher Power could be what ever it needs to be and that it will grow, how a lot of the time God's voice comes to me in the rooms of recovery so sometimes my Higher Power is very much a meeting that I needed to attend. There wasn't a lot of feedback but I did have everyones attention and I could tell by their expressions and body language they were listening. God was good to me because I faced a fear and handled it with It's help.

What I did yesterday did not come from me! It came from God, it came from a good sponsor, it came from Bill W and his divine books Alcoholics Anonymous and The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, it came from the people I have met and heard speak in the meetings of AA and NA, it came from my blogger friends, all of these contibute to being able to speak the language of the Heart. I am grateful for each and everyone. I hope I planted a seed or 2, I know I didn't drink yesterday and that is a miracle.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Teaching a Group discussion.

Tomorrow night my co-worker and I have to teach an Anger Management group. My co-worker has been a tech at the treatment center for 8 months and is a nursing student, she is not an alcoholic or addict but is the adult child of one. Last night we were talking about the upcoming discussion group, she has a hard time coming up with ideas, we talked about having a training session on mediation. On the way home last night I thought more about this and didn't think we could fill a 45-60 minute period with a discussion and group participation on just mediation. My mind went to the reason I mediate and that is to neutralize or accept suffering. In Buddhism we say the cause of suffering is desire, desire is a manifestation of selfishness. I have desires because I want things, physical and emotional. Desire isn't always a bad thing but putting importance on our desires and wants is because nothing is permanent, everything changes; nature, people and ourselves. Desire is also about placing expectations on ourselves and others, even material things. We expect our desires for love, security, companionship, careers, knowledge, material things and the like to make us happy. The trouble being we never have any of these things 100% of the time, we sometimes have disagreements with the ones we love or worse, we have financial troubles, our jobs is eliminated, people die, people move away, material things break or their newness wears off etc. This led me to thinking about the passage in the Big Book on selfishness. I talked to my co-worker today and told her I would like to do a group discussion on selfishness and self centeredness using the Big Book and she is fine with this.

Here is my basic outline of what I would like to do. First I want the clients to give examples of what they think suffering is, then ask them how many of those examples can lead to anger, either inward or outward anger. Next explain to them how our desires based on self/our wants manifest the suffering. Next I will read pages 60-62 of the Big Book which is about the 3rd step and explains selfishness better than I can. Page 60 starts with the story of the actor who trys to arrange things to fit his needs and how the play still doesn't work and how his actions based on self both nice and aggressive are at fault. Page 62 is the important passage about how selfishness and self centeredness are the root of all our troubles, and really nails how we alcoholics use selfishness and why we need a God of our understanding. I also plan on read the short couple of paragraphs on page 66 about resentment and anger. I will then open up the lecture, for lack of a better word, for feedback from the clients. I will end the discussion with pages 86-87, the great passage about the importance of prayer and mediation which starts with "Upon awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead". My hope is the clients may grasp a bit about our selfish nature and understand that it is through pray and mediation that we learn to control our angers and fears which stem from selfishness, how we learn to become aware of our character defect as they arise, not all the time but with practice we are more aware so that we can stop them before we hurt others. I have no expectations of any one client walking away with an Aha moment but that is not the objective, the objective is to plant a seed so that if they are willing they can nurture the seed themselves with the help of their God, a good sponsor and AA or NA.

I would appreciate any feedback good or bad that anyone has concerning this. Steve you owe me one after my comment to you yesterday so feel free to share your years of experience with this young buck.

Peace Love and Light
Scott