Just somethings

Hey all, just writing because I like to do so every week or so. Angel is asleep on the couch and Carter in the bedroom, I have the t.v. on Nick Jr. which is showing a Franklin the turtle movie, this way when Angel wakes up there is something on she will watch without having to channel surf or her getting upset because Scooby Doo or Bugs Bunny isn't on, she is still to young to understand different shows come on at different times. I am not a big pro football fan so could care less about the super bowl.

The colonoscopy went well, the prep wasn't that bad for me, a lot of people I know complained about drinking the cleansing stuff, I just mixed in some Crystal Lite and drank it as fast as I could, first 2 glasses really fast the other 2 took about an hour, the results didn't bother me either. It was kind of funny because the kids were here and they are my little shadows, so at times I had both kids and even the dog in the bathroom with me, every time I went Carter followed, he would stand by the tub pulling on his shirt thinking Papa was going to give him a bath, he loves taking a bath. My biggest concern was being anesthetized, I have never been put under before, never had surgery. Now grant it I have passed out but never been put to sleep with anesthetics I didn't take myself. My ex and Mich both have a hard coming back around and get a bit sick. It was a rather cool experience, one minute I was talking and the next I was waking up in the recovery room talking to the nurse, I felt really good, think it might have been the drugs they gave me for the procedure, anyway she gave me a cup of coffee and I was good to rock and roll. I didn't over do it after the scope, didn't eat much just some chicken and a bit of candy, rested and watched movies. I am glad I had the colonoscopy done, it really gave me a good piece of mind because I am only 1 year away from 50 and they say colon cancer is a silent killer and I have had stomach troubles off and on for years.

The temperatures have been in the 50's and low 60's up until Friday. Friday started out with rain and by evening it was snowing, by midnight there was probably 6 inches of snow on the ground. One of the young guys at work is from El Salvador, he drives a Civic and lives in a hilly area. I told him when we left work at midnight, they let us go early due to the road conditions, if he had any problems to call me, sure enough he couldn't make it down his road, got stuck but was able to get out and head back to town. I met him at a gas station and took him home, even with the Suburban the road was treacherous. It is nice having the Suburban, knowing I can get around in the snow plus know it will come in handy this summer. We ended up with 10-12 inches of really wet snow, I stayed home all day and vegged out, made chili and brownies to eat on, the plant was closed due to the weather. It may not seem like much to others but spending a day in my house alone and being perfectly happy is a wonderful thing for me. Not that many years ago I would have started drinking early, probably run out, driven icy roads to get more, would have been pouring beer down the pity pot of loneliness and nobody loves me, boo hoo hoo. Somedays it still amazes me the cravings and compulsion to drink are gone, I give thanks every night when I lay my head on my pillow.

This morning at my home group meeting, a portion of We Agnostics was read, I love this chapter in the Big Book. For one it takes me back to how angry I was toward religion when I was drinking, how a major of the people I was associating with in recovery my first time around were very 1 sided on spiritual matters and how I suppressed my thoughts just to feel a part of the groups. I remember reading We Agnostics in treatment and the freedom I felt, the comfort of Bill's words retelling me it was alright to have my own understanding of a God, the realm of the spirit being broad enough for all conceptions of a power greater than ourselves. It also brought me back to a night early in this recovery. I was in a meeting, people were sharing about their God which seemed the same for everyone and I felt really disconnected, just about walked out in frustration. After the meeting I stood outside smoking and thinking about what I had heard, also talked to my sponsor. It was at this meeting I truly understood believing in my own concept of a God, not comparing my feelings about a God concept with what others were sharing, not comparing my insides with their outsides. I believe that night was a make or break point for me in my recovery, I stopped think so hard about what God was or wasn't and stopped comparing myself to others so much, I didn't stop the comparisons just started being more mindful of my comparing and how it make me feel. I still catch myself comparing on occasion but usually now when I do it I am looking closer at where I am falling short in working the steps daily or living a spiritual life. I need the reminders of where I have come from, I also need to share this with others because this morning there were people in the room who were feeling the same way I did 5 years ago.

Life is good in my tiny little speck of the universe. I do have some anxiety going on concerning the job prospect. I have been told I am the top candidate for the position and there are just some things the guy who would be hiring me needs to find out. The guy is the regional sales manager, so he has a lot on his plate which I understand so things will happen in his time not mine. I doubt I am much different than others when I foresee a new avenue possibly happening in my life, I think about the changes to come, ability to hit more meetings and put more time into DCM work, the freedom of weekends off, I am also more aware of muscle and body pains at work focusing my my mind on how I need to get a less physical job. I do my best to focus back in on the moment, to be grateful I have a job which pays my bills. Standing in the hallway waiting to see if a new door is going to come open sucks but it is what it is and I will be alright no matter the outcome. This is just a bit of honest reflection on what is going on within me, I know way too many others who are experiencing far worse challenges in life, these people are in my thoughts and prayers.

Writing this the morning after I started. The kids woke up about 1/2 way through, let them play in the tub together, then just play in the living room. End up with Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire being put in, Angel loves most of the Harry Potter movies, Carter played with his ball and didn't get into too much stuff but still kept Papa on his toes. Mich showed up at midnight to get them, Carter was asleep by then and Angel was ready to go home to her bed. She has got to the point where she still loves spending time with Papa but also wants to be home with mommy, Mich was working a lot of late evenings for awhile so both the kids missed being with her.

I am grateful for the life I have, for not have an obsession to drink, for my job, for my daughter and grand babies, for my health, for being able to shovel snow, for my sponsors and friends in recovery and for my friends not in recovery, for the awareness of the beauty of nature, seeing how beautiful the heavy snow is on the trees, for the sweet little dog who lays on my lap or whats to play ball when I get home from work, grateful I can afford a 4 wheel drive to get myself and others around in bad weather, grateful for the acceptance that nothing is permanent, grateful for another day to try my best to live a life based on recovery and Dharma principles, for a hot cup of coffee and a warm shower.

Peace Love Light
Scott