Smiling

In his book "Peace is Every Step" Thich Nhat Hanh writes a lot about the benefit of smiling, more specifically, stopping and taking a moment to smile. He writes about instead of getting mad about the red traffic light that is preventing us from getting somewhere NOW, the rush for the next whatever, we need to stop and smile. We need to take this moment of stopping and smile for the moment at hand, to pause, to breathe and live in the moment of this wonderful life, to not worry about where we are going and when we will get there. Thay gives other examples of how we need to use every day perceived inconveniences as a time to stop, smile, live in the moment, breathe and remember how good life really is.

This is something I have really been working lately. Even though it has only been less than 2 weeks since I was fired, I can find myself getting impatient with life. I have not received any correspondence back from the resumes and job applications I have sent out. The rational me knows that the hiring departments for these jobs probably have quite a few apps, and they review them in batches and the selection process takes time, plus they have a closing date which is out in the future, so the interviews will be taking place a few weeks from now. But I don't like sitting around waiting on them, I want to know NOW dammit! So I practice smiling at red traffic lights, at being stuck on the interstate in a mess of cars and semi-trucks trying to get around the slower drivers who don't like or are having problems with the 30mph side wind. I use my music, well not mine, my musical talent involves hitting the play button on the CD player, to take me out of me and into the world of the artist. I also step outside and listen/focus on the sounds of nature, the birds are starting to get very active and the Canadian geese are migrating over head. I notice the bits of green grass peaking through the brown top coat. The other day we had a lovely snow, big wet white flakes and I smiled at them, yes we have had a long winter but spring and summer will come it always does, so why get angry at the Master when It is painting a beautiful picture for us to enjoy if we only open our eyes to it.

I picked up Angel Thursday evening, Mich needed a break. I had Angel with me all weekend. She and I went to Kearney to spend the weekend with Lady B, plus see my mom and also my sister was back from Oregon so there was a get together for her. Angel is the ultimate channel for getting out of self and smiling. She is all about the moment and takes grandpa with her, whether she is happy or sad. She isn't high maintenance but being a toddler she keeps you in her world. Lady B and Angel both love each other, so neither one fights for grandpa's attention, they share him equally, Lady B knows Angel is a part of me and Angel doesn't need grandpa's attention constantly. I was also allowed to have a bit of me time as well.

The reason all of this is important is that life could be very stressful right now but it isn't for the most part. I don't feel stressed out or overly anxious, yes a bit impatient but I reel that back in by looking at things rationally and also seeing where "self" is causing the suffering. Right now I am keeping my job searching to things that I am interested in, I have applied to the State Boys and Girls home for different jobs involving assisting young people and their families. I have applied for jobs which relate to my background in purchasing and inventory management. Yesterday I applied for a job as an apartment complex manager, the job hours are only 30-36 hrs a week but they offer housing which if the pay is right will compensate for the hours of pay. I will start applying for low end jobs, such as work in retail stores the next few weeks but I want to see what happens with the jobs I am more qualified for or more interested in first. Thanks to my God I am not hurting of cash.

The buying of mom's new house has been given to me along with dealing with a rather rude Realtor. The Realtor is a friend of the family via a marriage to my mom's cousin. She thinks mom has more money to spend than she is spending on the house mom has chosen to buy thus when troubles arise she keeps saying we can always look for another house. I know she is just doing her job and her job is to make profit for herself and her company, but her attitude is rough and rattles my mom and sisters feathers, mine also. By staying calm with all that is going on in my life, I am able to work with this lady in a civil manner. There were somethings on the inspection of the house that mom is buying that don't look good, the Realtor basically wanted to jump ship and try and find a different house, my sister also was jumping to conclusions. I let the whole thing ride over the weekend, talked to mom about how we wanted to handle this and came up with a few options. The first option is in play now and waiting for the sellers to get back to me on; there are a few things I would like them to fix, mainly 2 pads in the floor supports that have cracked and settled, then a couple of small things, all in all not a lot of money, maybe $500-$1000.00 at the very most. If this doesn't work we see if they will split the difference and last mom is willing to pay for the repairs herself because she likes the house, the bathroom is setup for elderly people which is a big bonus for her. There are a few minor things that I can do myself, like re-chalking windows and repairing some cracks, plus building up a low spot in the yard that gathers water and allows water to run into the foundation. Nothing to really worry about, just have to see what the sellers are willing to do, they will have to face these same issues with anyone who wants to buy the house.

Matt (Mich's BF) started work and is whining about have to work 50hrs already only after 1 week. He also pulled a dumb one with not leaving Mich much money and then complaining that she didn't have the money for gas to come and visit him over the weekend, he is back in Kearney living with his parents, 175 miles away from the hospital. Basically the kid is complaining because he isn't getting laid over the weekend. I have big concerns about him and him being able to hold down a job, that he will quit and be back to relying on Mich and what she is getting in state aid. This is something that is completely out of my control and like Lady B and I talked about something that Mich as a young woman will have to figure out on her own.

I have been keeping myself busy with keeping the house clean, watching movies, doing things online and a bit of cooking and baking, plus I have found myself taking naps in the afternoons since I have been waking up between 7 and 8am for no reason. I tie dyed my first shirt last week. I had bought a cool Blues Brothers print t-shirt but it was white, I don't do white because I inevitably spill coffee on white shirts, so I tie dyed it purple and it came out very cool, Lady B really liked it. Yesterday I bought some more dye and a couple of cheap T's and will do a shirt for Lady B, I will also buy a couple of toddler T's and do a couple for Angel.

You know campers I could be going crazy right now, I could be caught up in "self" and self pity because truthfully my pride and ego have been bruised. I told Lady B it was humbling for me to stay at her house, even though I did buy some groceries and did cook some meals and we all shared doing things around the house. I am so use to being the caregiver and not the receiver, this is just a perception, the fact is we are equals in the relationship. What I am going through is very healthy for me, it is spiritually healthy. I am really applying the principle of living in the moment to my life, to take it a minute at a time, to smile, to pause, to see, to breathe. I am accepting the situations for what they are, just a part of life, the not so nice things are no reflection on me, they are things that happen to others as well. Being calm has allowed me to be Here for my mom and also my sister, being calm has also allow the spirit of my Dad to enter into me and do things the way he would have done them to the best of my ability. Being calm has allow me to be Here for Mich in her struggles and Angel. I see how the instability of what is happening with Mich effecting Angel, Angel was very clingy at the get together, she didn't have much to do with anyone other than me and Lady B, I think she was afraid someone was going to take her away from me and have her stay at their house. The calm has kept the thought of drinking or using far from my mind, even though I haven't made as many meetings as I usually do, no excuse just backed off and need to get back at them. I am still in constant contact with people in recovery and this weekend is the AA speaker event in which Lady B, her sponsor, grand sponsor and I are all attending. Maybe it is my pride but I am serene and don't miss people bombarding me with questions and concerns, maybe I just need a bit of time alone with me and my God or maybe this is just a messed up perception, whatever it is I am alright with it and have been on my guard against fleeting notions of tall cans of Bud Light.

"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power."

Well campers, time to get shower, wash some dishes, maybe do a bit outside since the wind isn't blowing, also do a tie dye. I hope all is going well for each and every one of you, you are all in my prayers.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

P.S the Realtor called, the sellers are going to do the work I asked for, so no need to worry about the repairs. Our God work's in our lives when we use the tools, when we become channels of calmness and peace, well just for this moment anyway, who knows what the next moment will bring.

Namaste to you and yours!!