Living by My Words

Hey all and hope everyone is surviving the amusement park ride called Life.

Well things have differently changed on this end of the blogsphere. I lost my job on Wednesday. I was fired for boundary violation, their words not mine.

We had a new client Monday, March 1st, he was an older black man, very stereotypical, large man from the projects of Chicago, shaved head and big earring. His counselor asked me to help him since he couldn't write do to a stroke, she warned me he could be intimidating, which is no big deal to me because his type are a dime a dozen in the military regardless of race. He tried to impress me with his criminal behavior but I kept refocusing him on his addiction. I treated him as an equal and did not patronize him, thus I earned his respect. I worked with him again Tuesday night. Tuesday when it was his turn for med's, he asked if he could talk to me, out of making him feel comfortable I shut the door to the nurses office almost completely. He told me he didn't think he could do treatment anymore, that he felt out of place, that staff had told him he was intimidating and that he didn't mean to be, that since he was older he didn't have anything in common with the younger people, he said he didn't feel safe because he was with a bunch of young white people who were a bit on the redneck side, he also said the treatment center felt like jail and he was use to being free. I told him to think about all the positive things treatment would do for him and also how his experience could help the young people, he appeared to be a bit calmer when he left. All this I wrote down in my progress note for him.

Well having a one on one with him behind closed doors was a no no. I honestly don't remember anyone telling me it was a huge no no. My thinking was, about making him feel comfortable enough to confide in me. My boss told me this wasn't something techs where allowed to do for his safety and mine. For what it is worth neither of us felt threatened by the other. My boss also told me that after only 2 days there is no way the client could have started trusting me and if he was acting that way there were alternative motives behind it, which there may have been but he wasn't trying to manipulate me, he just need someone he felt comfortable with listening to him. I never lived this guys life but I have known enough people in my time who have, so I had enough knowledge of hard street life to be understanding. My sponsor, the counselor, told me that my boss was wrong about this, that trust can be earned in a short period if by nothing else than being friendly and compassionate. I was wrong for what I did and accept my part in the offense. One bit of snotty comment, alcoholics and addicts can read patronizing and fearful attitudes like a well worn book, we dislike it and those that use it on us and yes we will use it against others as a defense for self protection, most of the treatment center staff were doing this to this guy, thus the other clients were feeding off it too. The other thing I did wrong of late was I held the hand of a woman who was having a seizure and didn't report it, I had watched a co-worker do this with her and it help her calm down and feel comforted, unknown to me the co-worker reported that he had done this. The treatment center is a "no touch" facility, which means we cannot touch the clients under any circumstances, my co-worker acknowledged breaking this rule. I felt that I was under such close scrutiny that I need not report this for my own well being, the guy that was with me when the seizure happened must have told the boss what I did, not to get me in trouble but to explain the whole incident to him. Once again my wrong and I accept responsibility. This happened Wednesday afternoon at 2pm.

To say this didn't upset me and make the squirrel cage in my head shift to turbo drive would be a lie and over the days since it has happened, I keep going over the time spent in the bosses office getting the news I was being terminated over in my head periodically but it is happening less often now. What I did after I got the news was contact Lady B and talk to her about the sadness I felt. I then got a hold of my sponsor, thanks to my God he was available for a change. Next I loaded some clothes and the pup in the car and headed back to my home town, where Lady B, my mom and my support group live. I told my sponsor I needed a couple of days to process what had happened and also be with people who know me best and have always been there for me, he agreed and thought it was a good idea.

It just so happened that on Thursday, my sister had made appointments for my mom to look at houses. I met my sister in the town mom was moving to ahead of meeting with my mom, told her what had happened and we both agreed that mom had too much to worry about already and that my being fired would be kept secret for the time being, as far as mom know I just had the day off. My God was working again because mom was very grateful I was there, I have a calming effect on her and she trust my judgement. We were able to find and purchase a house that day that mom really likes and was in her price range. Over the last few days I have been available to handle all the paperwork since I didn't have a job to go to, another little blessing.

I spent the weekend at Lady B's house. It was the first time we had spent that much time together and it was comfortable for both of us. She had a couple of previous commitments and when to them. I did a bit of job searching while I was there. Other than my little dog getting anxious about the new environment we had a great weekend together and grew from it. It cemented the compatibility that we have with each other some more. Neither of us put on fronts to please the other, if there were minor things that we didn't care for both of us accepted the other for being who we are. Lady B and my mom also got a chance to get to know each other better and they get along well. I know there may be squabbles down the road but for now we have a strong bond with each other and growing that bond will assist keeping it when and if the squabbles happen.

When I did tell my mom about the job situation she took it really well. She isn't worried too much about me since I have always worked and have a solid work history. She also said she thinks this could be a blessing in disguise.

I agree with my mom about the blessing in disguise. First off it was probably only a matter of time before I got fired. I was under a close magnifying glass. I tried really hard to follow the guidelines, I put my awareness on 10 but still there were just differences between treatment and recovery that created small hiccups on my part. My sister put it best when she said "it sounds like they wanted you to be a robot and not act out the compassion for the sick and suffering that is inside of you". None of the counselors or management are in recovery and only 2 tech are and one of those only works over nights. I was doing a fairly good job and staying anonymous with the clients, they could tell by what I said I was in recovery without me saying so and assisting them with meetings and suggestions about sponsorship. My sponsor told me and he may have been correct in this, that the counselors felt threatened by knowledge of the Big Book and 12 and 12 and my pressing the importance of these 2 books, along with other GSO approved material on the clients. AA saved my life and AA literature is a part of the life preserver, I feel it is for most people who are living in recovery. Did I knowingly break some rules yes but none that I consider biggies but there goes justification, plain and simple I broke rules. I thought I could make small changes within the treatment center to improve it and the treatment of the clients. I did have an impact, I won't cut myself short on this but the impact comes from my God via my voice. Hopefully I left a mark on some of my co-workers, giving them a better understanding of life in recovery, how the mind of an alcoholic and addict works, maybe they understand the difference between religion and spirituality better now. I will probably never know and trust God that I did my best in the 6 months I was there. I am richer for having spent time in this job, I have a bit of experience that may help me get another job in human services which is where I want to be career wise.

The positives about the timing of losing the job or losing the job in general are. One I still have most of my tax refund in the bank so I am not broke. It came at a time when my mom needs my assistance and I can now be there for her without conflict. That Lady B is in my life and I can't begin to express the gratitude for her love and support, for her sound reasoning a couple of times when I wasn't thinking straight. Granted I could have done this without the support of a companion but it did make it easier. As much as I love Lincoln, I am looking for jobs back home. Mom and Lady B are both right when they say Mich, Angel and Carter need me closer, not to enable but for support and stability. If I do move back home Lady B and I will establish boundaries at that time. My mom said she would be happier with me closer, just to be more available to help her with the little things and also so she can see me more often.

I am looking for jobs within an hour drive of my home town, Kearney. We have a regional clothing store chain that is putting in a new office, production plant and distribution center, I applied for a couple of opening there, in fields related to purchasing and inventory control which I have 15 years experience in. I have also applied for a job with the Nebraska Boys and Girls home, they are needing people to assist young people with independent living and also reunification and meeting reunification goals as set by the state. My work at the treatment center may help here and also the fact that Mich was a ward of the state for a number of years, so I understand and have practical experience in this field. I will also apply for clerical jobs and even medical aide jobs at assisted living facilities. It would be nice to have a full time job again and get 40 hours of work a week and sorry to say this 40 hours of income. I have enrolled for unemployment insurance, first time im my life, hopefully I won't need it for very long, it takes about 6 weeks to get your first check.

You may not believe this but I haven't let this situation get me down that much. The first night was the worse and I had a hard time shutting my brain down and mediating but since then I have been fairly able to refocus on the moment at hand. I have accepted what has happened, looked at my part in it. Have listened to God speak through Neil Young, Stevie Ray Vaughan and the voices of my teachers both in and out of recovery. As PG put it, I am standing in the hallway waiting for another door to open. I am doing the footwork to the best of my ability, using the spiritual tool kit which was laid at my feet when I put the bottle and the shovel down. Thick Nhat Hanh just taught me to smile at the red traffic lights and think of it as a way to pause and live in the moment at hand and not be worried about rushing to the next thing. Thanks Thay for being the greatest teacher on earth for this ex booze hound who in his hurried life of projecting the future and reliving the past can sometimes miss the Moment at hand.

I also owe a big thanks to all you bloggers, you share your experience, strength and hope with me. We are interdependent on this amusement park ride called Life. What you are going through and what I am going through may be different on the surface but under that is the need to stay peaceful, happy, loved and safe all without reverting back to our old self destructive selves. Take a look around you, life really isn't that bad because we have Hope because we have formed some kind of connect with a Power Greater than ourselves because we have people in our lives that are on the same path and dig us for being fellow travelers.

My love, blessings and prayers for all of you.
Peace Love and Light
Scott