Perspective on relapses and alcoholism

I rent a room out to guy who is recovering from alcoholism and addiction, he had 10 months clean and sober, lived in the half way house for those months, was doing really well there. He took his recovery seriously, attended different meetings regularly, did service work, helped the new guys at the house, was never overly cocky about his sobriety, he was one of those newcomers you would say was standing on solid ground. The reason I asked him if he wanted to rent out 2 small rooms in my house cheap was that he was doing so well and he is rather quiet and respectful, which suits my quiet life style. About the time Adam was starting his transition out of the half way house and into my house the half way house announced it was permanently closing it doors due to lack of funds and paid staff, which was a blow to the guys living there because of the support the house gave them. Adam moved in to my house and was doing really good for a few weeks, going to work daily, making appointments (UA’s), going to meetings and hanging out with the guys from the house and others in recovery. Just over 3 weeks ago things started going bad for him, his great grandmother died, his dad who is a practicing alcoholic and addict got the hell beat out of him at a dive bar which lead to him having a fairly major stroke, bit by bit Adam started sinking into depression. I availed myself to him the best that I could, being there for him to talk to but never pressing him to talk, my thinking was that I wanted the house to be a safe and comfortable place for him to live in and not have to worry about answering to me, plus most people won’t open up unless they are ready to. Finally he checked himself into the local mental health hospital, I wasn’t home at the time and later he told me he had drank a 6 pack and a bottle of cheap wine which added to the depression. He was released on the 7th and spent the weekend with his family, seeing his dad in the hospital. He came back to the house Monday the 10th and we talked a bit and he seem alright and know he needed to get a new or second sponsor plus get back into going to meetings. Tuesday night I went to a meeting and got home around 8:30 at about 8:45 a police officer showed up at my door looking for Adam, one of his friends had called the police department stating that Adam sounded depressed and they were afraid he was suicidal, I told the officer that as far as I knew he was at an NA meeting, I gave her the location of the meeting and also the name a guy who would be in attendances, I would later make amends for having a police officer show up at an NA meeting they tend to get a bit more weireded out about cops than alkies do. My friend from the meeting called back asking where Adam was because he wasn’t at the meeting, so I check his room and sure enough he was on his bed sound asleep, I told my friend to send the officer back over and I proceed to wake Adam up and told him the officer was on the way over. He was way out of it, sounded like he was dosed good on anti-depressants, the officer talked to Adam and after about 15 minutes waiting to see if his behavior improved with time the EMT’s were called to check him out in case of accidental overdose. When the EMT’s arrived and after talking to Adam a bit he admitted that he had mixed vodka with his med’s, ¾ of a 1.75 liter bottle. Adam was taken to the emergency room and later he voluntarily readmitted himself into the mental health hospital. When I talked to him last Thursday he admits that not going to meetings was a big part of the problem, he was overwhelmed, scared and felt he couldn’t honestly talk about his fears.
Since I started working on this post 2 other people I know rather well have relapsed. One is a woman who has been in and out of recovery for quite a number of years. She does well for awhile then for what ever reason she picks up again. She was in pretty bad shape this time, luck would have it she asked for help and is detoxing at her sponsors house. The other is a 17 year old kid; he drank Saturday night, got messed up, felt like shit and was at a meeting Sunday morning. He mentally felt bad you could tell in the way he talked. I think the sad part for him is realizing he can’t enjoy drinking anymore, as much as he wanted to have a good time like his friends he just felt low and knew he was losing control.
Alcoholism and drug addiction suck!!!! We as alcoholics just want to have a couple of beers, speaking for myself, just to relax, lighten the stress of the day a bit, and enjoy some social merriment with friends. We can’t do this ever again once we cross the line from casual drinker to alcoholic, if a person ever was a casual drinker, I never was. The heavy drinker may drink daily but if something bad happens they can quit drinking without any trouble. The alcoholic is caught up in an obsession with alcohol and has no or very limited control over how much they drink once they get started. I was of the limited control type, I would drink until midnight or 1:00am by which time I was sleepy enough to crash hard, very rarely did I pass out but then again I was a beer drinker. What I have in common with every alcoholic is that once I start drinking I crave more, it doesn’t matter how much money I have, I wrote bad checks and stole for more, it didn’t matter if I was in trouble with the law, no drivers license, no insurance, on probation, it didn’t matter that my daughter was living in a foster home, or was out running with much older kids drinking and driving, needed new clothes or something nice for school, it didn’t matter that my parents were worried sick about me, all that mattered was drinking. If I wasn’t working I was drinking and when I worked at a convenience store I would drink while I worked sometimes. If I did worry about all that was wrong with my life I would drink to forget, I would try and drink the shame away, the self hatred, and fear. Yeah fear probably the one thing that drives all alcoholics deeper into the disease and contributes to relapses like those of Adams and my female friend. Adam said he felt overwhelmed and my female friend she was having a tough time with feeling insecure, she just starts to feel good about herself on the verge of getting completely honest and then the insecurity sabotages her and she drinks again. A non-alcoholic when faced with financial problems will not spend money they don’t have on booze and smokes but not an alcoholic, the alcoholic will not only spend the money they will also spend more money on something for their companion or children to make up for the guilt they feel about spending the non-existent extra money on themselves. A non-alcoholic doesn’t watch a movie or TV show and recognize the brand of alcoholic the characters are drinking by the bottle shape or fuzzy label nor do they get thirsty watching someone drink an alcoholic beverage. I am not saying society needs to do anything about alcohol in public, alcoholism is my problem and I need to be comfortable around alcohol.
This beings me to what is an alcoholic to do and what could of the people above done to prevent their relapses. I have mentioned meetings in this post and previous post concerning recovery from alcoholism. The importance of meetings, is you are with other people who share a common problem and have a common solution, it gives you and opportunity to make new friends who don’t drink thus replacing the dangerous ones who do, it is a place to remember where our drinking took us, in most cases it is a place filled with hope when life seems hopeless. When I got away from meetings I forgot about the bad times and negative emotions that came from drinking, not that I dwell in the past I just need to be reminded of it, I need to see the newcomer still shaking and smelling from the effects of the night before, the mixture of fear, desperation and a slight bit of hope. I need the camaraderie of other fellow travelers. The 12 steps of recovery are also a must, they aren’t something to rush through nor are they something to procrastinate on, thus the reason for a good sponsor. A sponsor is a mentor, someone who has something you want, not a material things though having a nice fishing boat or sweet ride isn’t a good reason for picking a sponsor . My sponsor is a very pragmatic person, spiritual in nature, insightful. Mentors me by sharing his experience, strength and hope, he gives suggestions based on what he has learned. He isn’t a dictator or a god, just a human I trust and am willing to listen to. Wow that was an unintentional transition into thrust, honesty and willingness. First I have to be willing to do what is recommend of me to stay sober, to not give in to fear, anger and impatience. Too many new people in recovery get impatient, they want instant gratification, hell that’s what we got from booze, they want to feel good NOW, they want there problems to go away NOW, they want others around them to see how they have changed and they want those same people they have harmed to respect them NOW, sorry campers it doesn’t work that way most of the time. The same is true with spirituality it takes time, it is about progress not perfection, we sit in meetings and see others who are happy, peaceful and serene and forget that it has taken them time to get there. It is all about today, this moment right now, for today I won’t give in and buy that drink, for this moment I won’t drink, for this moment I will say a little prayer asking for help from whatever Higher Power I believe in. I have to honestly believe that I need help not only with my alcohol problem but with my own perceptions, character defects, with spirituality, I need help learning how to communicate with others, and I need help getting out of selfish thinking and fear. I have to be completely honest in that I am totally powerless over alcohol and that when I drink it causes mental, physical and sometimes legal troubles, that no good whatsoever comes from me picking up a drink, by doing this I can think the drink through. I no longer crave a drink but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about having a drink, I pass a store advertising 30packs on sale, note the price and what a good buy that is and remember the 30 pack would only last a couple of days for me then I would need another and another, plus the problems that good buy would create.
Spirituality is a must for most of us, not 100% though, I know of people who still maintain complete atheism in recovery but they are rare exception and not the norm. Via the 12 steps and 12 traditions we are free to believe in a God of our own understanding; it can be as simple or complex as we make it. Again the newcomer needs to be patient with this process, to may try too hard to believe in another’s concept of God and feel their concept inadequate which can lead to relapse or a bad case of the poor me’s. The use of prayer and mediation has a very quieting quality to it; the belief in a Higher Power makes us feel less alone and also that there is a purpose for our lives. It gives strength in living in the moment knowing that the future will be what the future is. I have to take action, do footwork, faith without works is dead. In being aware of my character defects I then have to work on them to the best of my ability, some days I am good at it and some days I am bad at it.
Service works is also beneficial in staying sober, whether it is making coffee, (the nectar of people in recovery), helping with setup/cleanup, chairing a meeting, reading when asked or working at the district, intergroup or area levels as a committee member or chair etc. I am a service work junkie, for me it is about giving something back to those who so freely gave to me and making sure AA survived, it is also my way of helping the newcomer. Reaching out to the new person whether they are a newcomer, visitor or new members who just move to the area is important to me. If people hadn’t reached out to me at that first meeting I may have never come back and on the flip side when I moved to a new town people didn’t shake my hand and I thought they were being unfriendly and stopped going to meetings which played a part in my drinking again, they are not at fault I choose to buy that 6 pack, no one ever poured a drink down my throat.
All that I have written comes from my perspective; it is my opinions and thoughts and has nothing to do with AA’s stand on the subject’s I have talked about. No one speaks for AA as a whole. If there are things that you disagree with please let me know or if something I have written is unclear please let me know and I will try and clarify my idea better.