Hello Sadness, I see you

Yesterday my oldest sister, my mom and I took my dad to Grand Island, about 50 miles from where we live to admit him into the Veteran’s nursing home. My dad has been gradually getting worse with dementia, confusion, forgetfulness and lately hallucinations. He has chronic black lung disease and requires oxygen and breathing treatments, it takes very little physical stress for him to run out of air. His dementia has caused him to fight about which breathing machine is which, simple little chores around the house, he wakes up in the middle of the night and can’t back to sleep which in turns causes my mom not to be able to sleep. My mom is 79 years old and it has become difficult for her to take care of him so it was decided the best thing to do for both of them was have dad put into a nursing home were he could get the care he needs and hopefully he won’t angrily question the nurses, even if he does they can handle him better than mom can. The morning was filled with the basic paper worker and lunch, I could gradually see the stress building up in dad, finally we took him to his room, there are 2 men to a room, and unfortunately it appears that the other occupant of the room is very hard of hearing, has dementia himself and sleeps a lot in his chair. Dad now lives in a small space with a bed, small recliner, dresser and TV. I stayed with him in his room while my mom and sister went out to get stuff for his room. He sat on the edge of the bed somewhat in shock and realizing what was going. He told me “ I thought I could handle this but I can, I want to go home, I can’t sleep here!” the once proud and strong man sat on the edge of the bed like a small child wanting to go home, he was scared and afraid of being alone. I am grateful I had the strength to stay strong and explain to him the best I could why he had to be there.
A just over a year ago my daughter Michelle got her second MIP, minor in possession of alcohol, this was on top of a couple of other violations she had in the past, she went through a lengthy evaluation for chemical dependency and mental health issues, the evaluation showed she was an alcoholic/addict with detachment and abandonment issues, the court ordered her to be placed in a group home for girls. Without any warning I was called at work that they were taking her away to the home and if I wanted to see her I needed to get right home which I did. This incident was the first time I ever faced tremendous sadness, I have felt sadness when my grandmother died and when my ex committed suicide but those 2 times where nothing compared to watching my baby being taken await, scare and alone. My spiritual awareness wasn’t as strong a year ago but I was able to get through it with the help of a long time friend and other friends. Yesterday I relived the sadness I felt when Mich was taken away, the sadness of being helpless in caring for and relieving the pain of someone I love.
Driving away from the home I opened myself to the sadness and cried. I thought about first 2 noble truths; All life is suffering and suffering comes from desires. My suffering was caused by the desire to wishing things could be different for my dad, that he could just die and move on to the next level, my suffering comes from my selfish desire to change the way life is unfolding at this moment because it doesn’t match my needs or desires. I mediated on my part of the suffering and repeated the first 2 nobles over and over and the sadness was gradually calmed and I accepted what was happening. I turned on NPR for the drive home and one of the stories they had was about widow women in some part of Iraq that are forced to live in trailers with their children, the trailers have no electricity or running water, they are located in the brutal Iraqi heat, the women have no means of income and some have resorted to bagging or prostitution to earn a little money to survive on. My heart went out to these women; I have lived in basic trailers before and know that they can be pressure cookers and or freezers, as a spoiled American the trailers I lived in did have electricity and water. I thought about even though things were rough for my family and me how lucky we were. My un-wed daughter lives in a halfway decent apartment and receives food allowance from the government so neither her nor my granddaughter go hungry, my granddaughter is healthy and happy. I have a vehicle to drive, a job, a comfortable mobile home to live in, plenty of food, electricity and water, the streets of my town are safe and even if my government sucks I still live in a free country where I can choice to practice the religion of my choice without fear of imprisonment. I am glad for little moments of clarity that keep me from getting overly complacent.
I am sure I will shed more tears, today was rough, in part because I can still see him sitting on the bed sadder than I have even seen him before, another thing was that since I am his Power of Attorney the doctor called me this morning and asked me about life saving measures and I had to tell him, no resuscitation do only enough to make sure he doesn’t die painfully. The doctor also told that because of how thin my dad was, 111lbs at 5’8” and with the black lungs he didn’t foresee him living another year. I have step out a few times today for a smoke, I walked into the grassy area, stopped and opened myself up to nature, I am awake to nature, sights, sounds, smells and feel, the breeze wrapped around me like a lover and it felt good, caught the shadow of a big bird flying over head, saw a yellow winged butterfly gliding in front of me, heard the songs of the Killdeer’s in the freshly plowed field, that and much more. I am not alone today and that is good, I can openly feel today, today I know how to say “Hello sadness, I see you”, hopefully I will be able to greet the feelings that come tomorrow. Thanks to all my wonderful teachers, those I have and haven’t met.
Namaste
Scott