Living by My Words

Hey all and hope everyone is surviving the amusement park ride called Life.

Well things have differently changed on this end of the blogsphere. I lost my job on Wednesday. I was fired for boundary violation, their words not mine.

We had a new client Monday, March 1st, he was an older black man, very stereotypical, large man from the projects of Chicago, shaved head and big earring. His counselor asked me to help him since he couldn't write do to a stroke, she warned me he could be intimidating, which is no big deal to me because his type are a dime a dozen in the military regardless of race. He tried to impress me with his criminal behavior but I kept refocusing him on his addiction. I treated him as an equal and did not patronize him, thus I earned his respect. I worked with him again Tuesday night. Tuesday when it was his turn for med's, he asked if he could talk to me, out of making him feel comfortable I shut the door to the nurses office almost completely. He told me he didn't think he could do treatment anymore, that he felt out of place, that staff had told him he was intimidating and that he didn't mean to be, that since he was older he didn't have anything in common with the younger people, he said he didn't feel safe because he was with a bunch of young white people who were a bit on the redneck side, he also said the treatment center felt like jail and he was use to being free. I told him to think about all the positive things treatment would do for him and also how his experience could help the young people, he appeared to be a bit calmer when he left. All this I wrote down in my progress note for him.

Well having a one on one with him behind closed doors was a no no. I honestly don't remember anyone telling me it was a huge no no. My thinking was, about making him feel comfortable enough to confide in me. My boss told me this wasn't something techs where allowed to do for his safety and mine. For what it is worth neither of us felt threatened by the other. My boss also told me that after only 2 days there is no way the client could have started trusting me and if he was acting that way there were alternative motives behind it, which there may have been but he wasn't trying to manipulate me, he just need someone he felt comfortable with listening to him. I never lived this guys life but I have known enough people in my time who have, so I had enough knowledge of hard street life to be understanding. My sponsor, the counselor, told me that my boss was wrong about this, that trust can be earned in a short period if by nothing else than being friendly and compassionate. I was wrong for what I did and accept my part in the offense. One bit of snotty comment, alcoholics and addicts can read patronizing and fearful attitudes like a well worn book, we dislike it and those that use it on us and yes we will use it against others as a defense for self protection, most of the treatment center staff were doing this to this guy, thus the other clients were feeding off it too. The other thing I did wrong of late was I held the hand of a woman who was having a seizure and didn't report it, I had watched a co-worker do this with her and it help her calm down and feel comforted, unknown to me the co-worker reported that he had done this. The treatment center is a "no touch" facility, which means we cannot touch the clients under any circumstances, my co-worker acknowledged breaking this rule. I felt that I was under such close scrutiny that I need not report this for my own well being, the guy that was with me when the seizure happened must have told the boss what I did, not to get me in trouble but to explain the whole incident to him. Once again my wrong and I accept responsibility. This happened Wednesday afternoon at 2pm.

To say this didn't upset me and make the squirrel cage in my head shift to turbo drive would be a lie and over the days since it has happened, I keep going over the time spent in the bosses office getting the news I was being terminated over in my head periodically but it is happening less often now. What I did after I got the news was contact Lady B and talk to her about the sadness I felt. I then got a hold of my sponsor, thanks to my God he was available for a change. Next I loaded some clothes and the pup in the car and headed back to my home town, where Lady B, my mom and my support group live. I told my sponsor I needed a couple of days to process what had happened and also be with people who know me best and have always been there for me, he agreed and thought it was a good idea.

It just so happened that on Thursday, my sister had made appointments for my mom to look at houses. I met my sister in the town mom was moving to ahead of meeting with my mom, told her what had happened and we both agreed that mom had too much to worry about already and that my being fired would be kept secret for the time being, as far as mom know I just had the day off. My God was working again because mom was very grateful I was there, I have a calming effect on her and she trust my judgement. We were able to find and purchase a house that day that mom really likes and was in her price range. Over the last few days I have been available to handle all the paperwork since I didn't have a job to go to, another little blessing.

I spent the weekend at Lady B's house. It was the first time we had spent that much time together and it was comfortable for both of us. She had a couple of previous commitments and when to them. I did a bit of job searching while I was there. Other than my little dog getting anxious about the new environment we had a great weekend together and grew from it. It cemented the compatibility that we have with each other some more. Neither of us put on fronts to please the other, if there were minor things that we didn't care for both of us accepted the other for being who we are. Lady B and my mom also got a chance to get to know each other better and they get along well. I know there may be squabbles down the road but for now we have a strong bond with each other and growing that bond will assist keeping it when and if the squabbles happen.

When I did tell my mom about the job situation she took it really well. She isn't worried too much about me since I have always worked and have a solid work history. She also said she thinks this could be a blessing in disguise.

I agree with my mom about the blessing in disguise. First off it was probably only a matter of time before I got fired. I was under a close magnifying glass. I tried really hard to follow the guidelines, I put my awareness on 10 but still there were just differences between treatment and recovery that created small hiccups on my part. My sister put it best when she said "it sounds like they wanted you to be a robot and not act out the compassion for the sick and suffering that is inside of you". None of the counselors or management are in recovery and only 2 tech are and one of those only works over nights. I was doing a fairly good job and staying anonymous with the clients, they could tell by what I said I was in recovery without me saying so and assisting them with meetings and suggestions about sponsorship. My sponsor told me and he may have been correct in this, that the counselors felt threatened by knowledge of the Big Book and 12 and 12 and my pressing the importance of these 2 books, along with other GSO approved material on the clients. AA saved my life and AA literature is a part of the life preserver, I feel it is for most people who are living in recovery. Did I knowingly break some rules yes but none that I consider biggies but there goes justification, plain and simple I broke rules. I thought I could make small changes within the treatment center to improve it and the treatment of the clients. I did have an impact, I won't cut myself short on this but the impact comes from my God via my voice. Hopefully I left a mark on some of my co-workers, giving them a better understanding of life in recovery, how the mind of an alcoholic and addict works, maybe they understand the difference between religion and spirituality better now. I will probably never know and trust God that I did my best in the 6 months I was there. I am richer for having spent time in this job, I have a bit of experience that may help me get another job in human services which is where I want to be career wise.

The positives about the timing of losing the job or losing the job in general are. One I still have most of my tax refund in the bank so I am not broke. It came at a time when my mom needs my assistance and I can now be there for her without conflict. That Lady B is in my life and I can't begin to express the gratitude for her love and support, for her sound reasoning a couple of times when I wasn't thinking straight. Granted I could have done this without the support of a companion but it did make it easier. As much as I love Lincoln, I am looking for jobs back home. Mom and Lady B are both right when they say Mich, Angel and Carter need me closer, not to enable but for support and stability. If I do move back home Lady B and I will establish boundaries at that time. My mom said she would be happier with me closer, just to be more available to help her with the little things and also so she can see me more often.

I am looking for jobs within an hour drive of my home town, Kearney. We have a regional clothing store chain that is putting in a new office, production plant and distribution center, I applied for a couple of opening there, in fields related to purchasing and inventory control which I have 15 years experience in. I have also applied for a job with the Nebraska Boys and Girls home, they are needing people to assist young people with independent living and also reunification and meeting reunification goals as set by the state. My work at the treatment center may help here and also the fact that Mich was a ward of the state for a number of years, so I understand and have practical experience in this field. I will also apply for clerical jobs and even medical aide jobs at assisted living facilities. It would be nice to have a full time job again and get 40 hours of work a week and sorry to say this 40 hours of income. I have enrolled for unemployment insurance, first time im my life, hopefully I won't need it for very long, it takes about 6 weeks to get your first check.

You may not believe this but I haven't let this situation get me down that much. The first night was the worse and I had a hard time shutting my brain down and mediating but since then I have been fairly able to refocus on the moment at hand. I have accepted what has happened, looked at my part in it. Have listened to God speak through Neil Young, Stevie Ray Vaughan and the voices of my teachers both in and out of recovery. As PG put it, I am standing in the hallway waiting for another door to open. I am doing the footwork to the best of my ability, using the spiritual tool kit which was laid at my feet when I put the bottle and the shovel down. Thick Nhat Hanh just taught me to smile at the red traffic lights and think of it as a way to pause and live in the moment at hand and not be worried about rushing to the next thing. Thanks Thay for being the greatest teacher on earth for this ex booze hound who in his hurried life of projecting the future and reliving the past can sometimes miss the Moment at hand.

I also owe a big thanks to all you bloggers, you share your experience, strength and hope with me. We are interdependent on this amusement park ride called Life. What you are going through and what I am going through may be different on the surface but under that is the need to stay peaceful, happy, loved and safe all without reverting back to our old self destructive selves. Take a look around you, life really isn't that bad because we have Hope because we have formed some kind of connect with a Power Greater than ourselves because we have people in our lives that are on the same path and dig us for being fellow travelers.

My love, blessings and prayers for all of you.
Peace Love and Light
Scott

Living Life Right

I was going to title this something like, living sober makes life good, something with sober in the title but realized not all who read my blog are recovering/recovered alcoholics and addicts, that all of us when we live life right reap the rewards. I like to think of it as good Karma, but really it is all about being a kind, caring, compassionate person, about getting out of self and getting self out of the way about doing our best to live each day by universal spiritual principles. Yes my dad is still dead, Carter is still in ICU, my daughters boyfriend is still without a job, I am still on probation at my job, it is still a cold winter in Nebraska with snow on the ground and spring seem miles away but this is just life not bad things. I put my faith in my Higher Power, I do the footwork which includes spiritual footwork not just conversations with humans, I accept what happens to the best of my ability and move on. Maybe this sounds too easy, I have had my share of scrambled eggs for brains, mental masturbation gone wrong, fears and disappointments but I have kept pressing on, see where I have made mistakes if possible, meaning sometimes I don't see my mistakes until later. Being an obsessive compulsive drunk and druggie are just a small portion of what I am, so like other people I have personal quirks that need to be worked on daily and it seems by doing this life stays good even when the black cloud is over my head and my ass is getting beaten down by torrential rain. Maybe my life is going so good right now that I am Mr. Little Ray of Sunshine and maybe that ray will brighten your day even if I piss you off with my good fortune of late.

First off, Carter is up to 3 pounds, once he is 3.5 pounds they will take the top off the incubator. He is growing and is on schedule to be released in mid April. Hopefully I will be able to hold him in a few weeks.

Angel is still Angel, growing learning and staying happy except when grandpa is an asshole and doesn't let her play with something she really wants to play with or look at; cell phone, camera, pretty tea cups from Korea.

Matt, my daughters boyfriend, may have a job soon. It is such a cluster of words coming from them on this, that I have to fight off being negative and doubting his chance for the job and his ability to hold the job. I have to really work on finding the positives in him and wishing him the best, I pray for him and some days that is the best I can do. God will take care of them financially because dad won't, enabling won't fix the problem only delay the lesson in life.

Just over 2 weeks ago I helped my mom put her house on the market. My mom has decided to move to a town closer to my oldest sister and also where a couple of her sisters live. Now that I have moved to Lincoln and my youngest sister has moved to Oregon, other than mom having one sister close there isn't anyone close to check on her or take her places if need be. My mom is 80, she is still able to live on her own but her mind slips on occasion, she gets confused and she gets lonely. My aunt has been great since I have moved but my aunt has her own life, kids, grand kids and her and her husband like to travel a few times a year so she isn't always available to check on mom. My oldest sister will be really good about seeing mom at least once a week, taking her shopping or out to eat, she hasn't done this in the past because she is 2 hours away and money is tight, the town mom is moving to is only 30 minutes away from her now. When I put the house on the market I did it just to get the ball rolling, figured it would be a couple of months before any serious action started to happen, I was wrong. The house was shown 3 times in 2 weeks, Sunday I received a call from the realtor and some people made an offer, I countered the offer with an April 15Th closing date and just like that the house was sold, well contingent upon loan approval and such, people have $20,000 for a down payment. This blow me away and it also shocked my mom, who even though she knows she needs to move and wants to move is still anxious about all this. Now the fun of finding mom a new home. My oldest sister is taking care of this since driving 225 miles house hunting is out of the picture for me plus it is something my sister enjoys and gives her a sense of purpose. I have been handling all my parents affairs for the last few years, with only a small bit of involvement from my sisters, so my sister probably feels a bit left out and jealous at times. My sister and I have been communicating over the phone, she is letting me know about a couple of different houses she has viewed, telling my her thoughts and concerns, so she is being honest with me which I appreciate. She knows my concerns are more about furnace, central air, plumbing, windows, electrical and those types of things. Mom doesn't have a lot of money to spend, we are rolling the money from the sale of her house into the new house. We have both said that in the end it is mom's choice, we have both agreed not to push mom into something she doesn't want and I pray it stays this way. My sister in Oregon is more pushy and I am glad she is there right now, she is selfish and opinionated to a fault, if she was here I am afraid there would be some butting of heads no matter how kind and compassionate I try to be, I am very protective of my mom, her wants and financial concerns. I do my best to look after her interest and keep my own to myself except in matters concerning her well being such as convincing her the move is beneficial, which she knows just doesn't like changes like the rest of us.

The last couple of days I have really been missing my dad. I am doing what he use to do. I am taking his place and it is a bit scary. The shoes I am filling are really big. I have come to believe his spirit is with me and guiding me, that through all our ups and downs he taught me well and that I paid close enough attention to become a good student and do things the way he would have done them. Typing this fills my eyes with tears, they are good tears for a man I love and miss and know would be proud of me even though he couldn't say it, those kinds of words just weren't what my dad was about. So I am facing a bit more of the grieving process, it isn't wonderful but it is good.

Alright now to Lady B. We are partner's now. My willingness to follow her boundaries, to respect her wishes, completed the circle of attraction in her heart, now it is physical, emotional and spiritual. We have commited to being in an intimate and caring relationship with each other based on mutual respect, communication and understanding. She told me she was looking for a partner, she didn't want to be someones property, she wants someone that will respect her decisions and her independence, she said she found that someone in me and was willing to take the chance. She did a lot of soul searching and her heart kept going to me. Our continued conversations helped because I didn't stop caring once she told me about her boundaries. Friday night we went out for supper, then took a movie back to the house she shares with another woman, we watched the movie on her bed. I asked her if it was alright to put my arm around her and pull her close and she said yes. To make a long story short we spent the night together, it was gentle and compassionate, it was mutual. I asked her if what she was doing was something she wanted to do and not something she was going to regret in the morning and she assured me it was. I told her about all the little things I liked about her, the things I find attractive. I think she was a bit afraid I was going to leave her and finish the night at Mich's apartment because she thanked me for spending the night. It is sad to think she has been in a position where a guy has made love to her then left, it is sad to think she was worried about me using her. I am a bit different that some people in that I don't do one night stands, getting intimate for me is more than just a one night ordeal, it is about wanting to have something special with someone for a greater period of time if possible. She told me this morning her heart belongs to me and mine to her. I hear saying "awe this is so sweet" but right now that is how it is. Just noticed that I still have a bit of the cynic in me when it comes to love. I like how Lady B makes me feel, how she makes me happy. I know that my happiness isn't contingent upon having a loving relationship with a woman but I have also lived alone for a long damn time without having a partner or lover, that I can do this again if it happens. I also feel that all of us have a natural need to have someone special in our lives and that when that person comes along we need to take the chance and be with that person.

The 135 miles between our houses is a good thing for both of us. She gets to keep her independence, she gets a chance to get to know herself without me being around too much, that she doesn't have worry about spending the night with her family on her own, which is important to her. She gets to break this relationship in gradually to her 8 year old son, give him time to get to know me and me time to get to know him. We can grow together just as easily over the miles as we can being 5 minutes away. I get to learn how to love someone without smothering them. To trust her, to work on my insecurities, to understand that even thought we may not visually see each other daily that we are in each others thoughts daily, via the simple things like text messages and short conversations. She is a proud lady and doesn't want me to buy things for her or rush in and help her with any little problems. This is great for me because I have a bad habit of buying things to show I care and it can cause me financial troubles. I did tell her not to be afraid to ask me for help, if she needs something mechanical done that she thinks I might be able to do. I was honest with her about my buying things to show I care, I told her for once the alcoholic pride was a good thing, she smiled at me and told me every time I wanted to buy her something to put the money in an envelope and use it to pay off some of my debt. The distance between us will make the time we do have together that much more special, it will be a time to share more intimate things about each other and the physical contact with also be more passionate because it is something to be savored and not rushed out of familiarity. She is coming to Lincoln in a couple of weeks, with her sponsor and grand sponsor to an AA event filled with speakers and fellowship. She is going to stay at my house, I have to work the first shift on Saturday but we will have all Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday morning to spend together. Her sponsor and grand sponsor are both good friends of mine so it will be a great weekend over all. This will probably be the next time we are able to together and you know what, even though there is a yearning in our hearts to see each other sooner we are both alright with this, because is it just something we have to get use to, it is part of the partnership, the commitment to being in a relationship with each other.

All of these wonderful things are happening in my life because I believe I am doing my best to live my life the way the Divine Spirit of the universe wants me to live. I do my best on a daily bases to get out of self, I do my best to live by the prayer of St. Francis, the 3rd step prayer and follow the Eightfold Path of the Buddha. That by doing these things, I am given good Karma, that my actions are a reflection on what is happening in my life. A bad day is only as bad as I make it, and I do make some days bad, enlightenment is still a long ways off. This is also reflected in my work with the clients, there is an inter strength the guides me, this strength allows me to touch those who are open to it, this strength comes from my God and not from Scott. Everything is about my God working through me and It benefits others on occasion. Yes not drinking and using drugs is a huge part of this but it is also a small part of this too. If leave my spiritual path everything I have written about will disappear and I have to make sure my feet are firmly planted on this path.

My prayers are still with all of you, I spend my love and blessing your way. Take my hand and let us walk together on this journey we call life.

Peace Love Light and Hugs
Scott

Too Cute

This photo of Angel is too cute not to post, Mich had it on her Facebook so I snagged it from her.

Going to Kearney Friday, visit my mom and help her with a couple of things then Lady B and me are going out for supper and spend the evening together, more relationship building. I was talking to Lady B the other night the subject of bed sizes came up, started with size of bed in her son's room. She said she didn't know what size of bed she had and not sure about the one in her son's room, that she has to check the mattress prior to buying sheets. For some reason I find this very pleasing. There are probably only 1 out of 100 who don't know what size of bed they sleep on. I find this very comfortable that she isn't so caught up in material things that it really isn't important enough to know if she sleeps on a full or queen size mattress. Maybe it is also the uniqueness in her not know when most would that makes me really love this about her. Is that a weird something to be attracted too? I find it refreshing so I guess that is all that counts.

We have talked and laughed over the phone all this week, the other night it was for over a half hour which is pretty long for me, it was very natural for both of us, I am generally not that good at talking for that amount of time over the phone, something else I find interesting. I am sure we will have a good face to face visit tomorrow night. I need to make sure I tell her the things I like and why I like them, she isn't showing any signs of reject this "sweet man" for telling her what is on my mind yet, so will keep working on letting her know and trust her. This is a big step for me, working past the fear of reject by telling her the subtle things about her that hold my interest and make my attraction grow.

Thanks for listening to the language of my heart. Hope all have a great weekend!!!

Peace Love and Light
Scott

p.s writing this on my Thursday, got off work at 11:30 pm so I am still up at 1:30am Friday morning. Head to bed now though.

Angel, Carter, Lady B and Me

Not sure where this post is going to go. I have specific things to write about but not a clear outline, so I am surrendering to the Muse, with a bit of editing afterwards. Life is awesome right now, it is as it is meant to be.

Carter is doing really well. There are still minor problems but they are normal for one so preemie. My mom and a couple of aunts came down last week to see him for the first time. They were in awe of how tiny he was, my aunt took a bunch of photo's using objects for comparison to give people a perspective of his size. They were all impressed with just how much Mich understood about all the devices he is hooked up to and the different procedures he has, plus the variables concerning his future. My mom and I booked a place to have a Welcome home Carter party for the 2nd of May, if all goes to plan he will be released from the hospital the middle of April which would be his original due date. The party is a way for friends and family to meet this miracle baby without stress.

I had Angel here a couple of weeks ago and I also had her last week for a bit. The pictures are of Angel and my touch lamp. She thought it was the greatest thing that she could touch the lamp in different places and it would turn on and then get brighter with each touch until it turned off again, lots of smiles from Angel and grandpa. I had her sleep on an air mattress, I left the electric pump out and once I turn it on and blow air on her, wow another cool toy, she would get the pump turn it on blow air on herself or me, big grin. For the most part we just stayed at my house, which she had the run of. A couple of times she started to touch a few souvenirs cups I had on lower shelves but once I told her "no" she left them alone. I took her to a meeting and people told me she was really good and wasn't a distraction, which made me feel good. She is at that age where she is really lovely, she climbs on my lap, presses my lips together and gives me a kiss, plus lots of hugs, sometimes just grabbing my leg and hugging it. I am extremely grateful for this special bond with her and know it would be happening if I wasn't sober or living a spiritual life. Toddlers can take a lot of time and energy but I was peaceful and didn't worry about the small messes she made, the changing of diapers, the food, her taking up my time, not once did I get upset with her. If I wasn't at peace I don't think it would have been this way, I would have been caught up in self and my wants. I took her to Kearney with me last Thursday, I had to go to my mom's house and also was spending time with Lady B. She was also very good then and Lady B thinks the world of her.

On to Lady B. We text each other a couple of times a day and usually talk in the evenings. She has started calling me "sweet man" and I call her Lady. Thursday afternoon she had me around her house which was a surprise because I didn't think she wanted me around when her 8 year old son was home, her son and Angel played and we had pizza, she bought. Then in the evening, her son went to a friends and I took Angel over to Mich's best friends house, Lady B and I came back to Mich's apartment where I was staying partially because I had left my dog alone all day and needed to tend to her. We sat on the couch and talked, she asked my about my expectations and I told her I really didn't have any that I was cool just seeing where things went. We ended up kissing and caressing each other but nothing too heavy.

I stopped by her work on my way home the following morning, it was early enough that she didn't have any customers, she is the manager of a cash advance business and was working alone this morning. She told me "we needed to talk" the warning bells went off in my head but so did trusting to hear her out and live in the moment. What had happened the night before had scared her, she said she didn't want to be anybodies property and that is what dating means to her, that if she gets intimate with someone it puts a whole new level on things and she said she just wasn't ready for that. She said, I didn't really know her and that she was different from anyone I had ever met. She said she just wants to be friends and work on the friendship, that physical contact was out of the picture. She also told me that the 10 year age difference bothered her for some reason, that even though she didn't think she wanted another child she wasn't 100% sure. She shared in a round about way about her fears, I was able to read between the lines and have some insight into what she was getting at, my insights were correct.

She asked me for my honest feedback and I gave it to her. I told her I respected her and her decision, that my attraction to her was physical, mental and spiritual, that I felt a connection to her, she was honest and admitted again that she felt a connection to me that was physical, mental and spiritual. Her fear was telling her to play it safe, to deny what was in her heart, to break this off now. I told her that I wouldn't kiss her but that I would still hug her tightly, that on occasion I would put my arm around her and give her a squeeze and also a kiss on the forehead. She ask if I did this with all my friends and I said no, but I told her that we where more than just normal friends that we were special friends and she agreed with this. I told that I would do as she wished but if she ever needed to be held or to cuddle she would have to instigate it, that I would keep my word. I told her I was fine with with letting the friendship grow, that I wasn't worried about seeing the real her, that I have seen quite a bit of the real her and it didn't scare me. That I like the fact that she is very independent, that she has a close relationship with her family and kids. I told her I respect the fact that she is working through some co-dependent issues and that I don't care much for woman who are co-dependent, as far being emotionally attracted them is concerned, I don't want a companion that I am trying to fix. We had plans to go on a date this Friday, I told her that what she had told me didn't change anything, she said she still wanted to spend the evening with me and see me the next morning before I left for Lincoln. I had sent her a rose on Valentines Day, it was a way for me to say I am attracted to you, without using words. When she got the rose she asked me what the rose really meant I was at a lose for words, actually I was afraid to tell her over the phone, fear of reject, so I told her via an email, how I felt about her and how I was a bit concerned about taking a chance with her, she told me she felt the same way and told me to take a chance on her, to take a chance on seeing if there was something more. Friday morning a used her words me back on her, I told her to take a chance on me. This was after she said "someone always gets hurt" I told her that wasn't always true, that she needed to take a chance that maybe this time was different, that neither one of us knows unless we take that chance. I told her I knew her well enough to know that she is confused and scared and I am alright with her being that way. That I care about her, that I want her work this out, that am not going anywhere, that we need to trust each other and over time this will happen, that I won't intentionally hurt her and she will not do the same to me. Lady B is very honest and upfront, she says what is on her mind, so I know she will be honest with me to the best of her ability. I told her, that the Scott she is getting to know is the real Scott, that I haven't put on a front to win her affection, that the same person she sees now is the same person she will see in 6 months, that if the bond gets strong I am not going to change and start being controlling, that I won't take her hostage nor is she my property, that she doesn't have fear me. I told her that if I really love someone and they want to have a child that I am fine with that but it isn't something I think much about because that kind of love is down the road, this also eased her mind. I told her I had no expectations of her and her son moving in with me or relocating to Lincoln. Both of us have messed up and moved in with someone too early and I wouldn't do that again. I said she needs to know she is worthy of being loved for who she is, she said this is something she is working on. When I left we gave each other tight loving hugs and smiles and yes I kissed her forehead.

On the way home, I received a text from Lady B. She told me "thank you, you make me happy and that she was peaceful once again". Over the weekend, in some of her text called me sweet man and we had a couple of wonderful talks filled with joy and laughter. She is interested how my day at work goes and I in how her time with her son's and family went. The honest talk was a step in the right direction for both of us. She needed to express her fears and expectations. I needed to know these. I looked within myself to see what it is I feel, is it infatuation or something more. It is something more, which could be infatuation in disguise. Laby B makes me happy, her text messages, our phone conversations, our spending time together. Do I see differences, hell yes, do they bother me, hell no. We are not from different planets but have some different interest, she knows my interest and though she doesn't share all of them, my music, books, interest in philosophy and deeper levels of thinking she has not shied away. If she can still want to be with me after knowing this then I can easily accept monster trucks, her deep commitment to her family, her interest in financial planning, in fact she hasn't brought up one thing that I really dislike with a passion, her politics are middle of the road which is fine with me, the same goes with her spiritual beliefs. She is very balanced in her spiritual ideals, she believes in tolerance and allowing every one to find their own path.

I am comfortable with the way things are with us, she has asked me to work on talking more in person, to share my thoughts one on one instead via my writings which I have agreed to do. I feel that if I am truly willing to take a chance with her that I need to be willing to change what I can, she said she feels the same. We need to walk the walk with each and not talk the talk. I don't know if there is a label for this type commitment, maybe it is love in the first stage. All I know is that after all was said and done with, 2 people are still willing to continue down a path that so far has made both of them happy. That we both faced our fears and confronted them so that neither one of us playing a guessing game. That she knows about my insecurities and I hers. I am grateful that we have been honest with each other and can't help but feel that being this honest right now is a step in the right direction. I will have to work on this though, because sometimes I can confuse compassion and loving kindness with people pleasing and care giving. I told her not to let me spend money on her or her son unless I have it to spend, this is a character defect she needs to know about, she has a lot of pride and won't allow this to happen either unless it mutual and for a good reason and not an attempt to please or buy love that already exist.

This may sound a bit heavy but it isn't. My mind has not raced too much over any of this. I think about her a lot but it isn't with fear or worry. It isn't about not feeling worthy of her love and attention. It is about a special person who has entered my heart, who I care about on many levels. The nice thing is she has told me she thinks about me also, once again the feelings are mutual. There is no second guessing from either person, it is out in the open. If things fall apart then that is just how it is meant to be and will deal with it when I happens. We both have to take this one day at a time, to not worry about what might be, to live in the moment at hand and enjoy the time together whether that time is spent over the phone, little messages sent or being with each other in person. The not being able to see each other in person all the time may prove to a benefit. That the time spent is quality time even if it is uncomfortable because we are being honest with each other, or maybe I am trying to play God read too much into this?

Her sponsor is a close friend of mine and Lady B uses her, they talk about me and us. This tells me that Lady B is on the same page in recovery that I am. Recovery is very important to both of us and has to come first.

It is because of recovery that all these wonderful things in my life are possible; Angel, Carter, my wonderful Mich who wrote me a beautiful letter for my birthday saying how much she loves me and thanking me for all have done and how proud she is of me and of course for Lady B and the chance I am taking with her. We have a few challenging clients in treatment right now and it is because of recovery that I am able to work with them, to do my best for them and to allow others to work with because Scott doesn't have all the answers.

This has been a long post per normal. I keep praying for all of you and spending positive energy your way.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Still alive and sober

Hi all I am still alive and sober! I have been been busy lately, watched Angel for a couple of days plus work has been tiring so I haven't had the energy to post. Hopefully I will be able to post and comment on your post in the next few days. I have been reading your blogs and they make me smile and think, your are a part of my daily reprieve.

Until later

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Mich had these pictures of Carter on her Facebook so I downloaded them for you all to see. The one with Mich isn't flattering but it shows how small he is in comparison to Mich's hand.

They are doing alright. Matt is being Matt and I have to accept that, don't have to like or approve of his actions or better yet non-actions but I do have accept him for being who he is, which I can't change with words or 2x4's.

I didn't make it down there this week, I have had to work a couple of over night shifts which throw my day off. I have to work 5 days in a row this week but told Mich I would be down after work Wednesday night. She wants me to bring Angel back home with me which I will. Angel and grandpa need a couple of days together anyway.

Last Sunday on my way back from Kearney the guy that was working first shift called me and asked if I could come in a bit early because he wasn't feeling too well, I said I would. I took enough time when I got home to check my email and unload the car, about 20 minutes. After he left I found out from my other co-worker the guy had brown bottle flu, this really pissed me off. If I would have known it was brown bottle flu sickness I wouldn't have rushed to replace him. The guy was on medical tech duty, so being hungover is placing the clients in a dangerous position, not to mention have an tech at a treatment center for alcoholism and drug addiction come to work hungover sets a really poor example. When I was drinking I didn't miss very much work due to hangovers, I feel this is self inflicted and you just show up and do the best you can until your shift is over, so I have zero sympathy for him. The other co-worker is in recovery and also working on his counseling license. He was also very pissed off too. Mr. Hangover is also the laziest of the techs, on the weekends when there isn't much to do he sits and watches TV, doesn't move around and talk to clients much, isn't motivated to do our normal duties, he either has to be told to do stuff or my peers and I just do them and let him sit around. The hangover and his work ethic's lead him to being fired. I have mixed feelings about this. I want to be compassionate towards those I don't like but I can honestly say I am glad he was fired. His job performance and attitude sucked also I have never really like the kid. He created his own suffering and I guess the compassion from me is in hopes he learns some lessons from the suffering he is going through.

My relationship with Lady B keeps growing. She told me a few weeks ago she really doesn't like to talk on the phone much since she spends a great deal of her work time on the phone but the last few days she has been calling me, just to say hi or see how I am doing. I told her I was mad at Matt but it wasn't a big deal via an email, she called to make sure I was alright and to find out what had happened. She has stuff going on in her life so I don't dump a lot of my stuff on her, figure she doesn't need to listen to my mini drama's but she has a genuine concern for me, Mich, Angel and Carter and wants to know what is going on. Our attraction to each other is building by developing a strong friendship, one based on common interest, not too much though, enjoying talking to each other and lots of laughter. I don't know about anyone else but I have had this idea in my head that the perfect companion should like the same music and books I do but Lady B is pretty much apathetic towards understanding music or literature, it isn't that she isn't a thinker but her interest are different than mine. We like the same types of movies for the most part, although she isn't as excited about Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland as I am, she thinks it looks a bit freaky. We have common views on raising children, she has an 8 year old son and is very big on structure. We both have the same views on recovery, with me be a little heavier on service work and activates. She enjoys camping and being outside, told me she isn't a girlie girl when it comes to camping, big A+ for her. She has had money and material things but lost them all and now realizes these things don't matter much that happiness is based on matters of the heart, A+ number 2. I am doing my best to keep my expectations in check but it is really nice to have someone care about me and show the fondness for me that she does. It has been a long time since I have had a special woman in my life. I know my happiness isn't contingent upon having an intimate companion but it is one of my desires, one that I have to stay in constant awareness of so that it doesn't become overwhelming and create self inflicted misery. I will not try and buy her affection like I did with N, it is tempting with my tax refund coming up. Cool thing about Lady B is she that she is very self sufficient and proud of that. In fact she may be able to assist me in controlling my spending, well maybe a sound voice and a gentle swift kick when I need it. As always this is in God's hands, we do the footwork and see what happens for now though I am grateful it is moving in the direction it is.

Well that is enough rambling from me. I worked last night and I am sitting here in my robe and need to get in the shower and get ready for a meeting. I am working the morning shifts this weekend, so I also need to prepare a class for spirituality. It looks like Sunday mornings are going to be mine, so I need to start working on different things for the clients to do for spirituality group, I have my basic stuff but need to broaden my lesson plans.

My prayers go out to all of you who are having a rough time in life right now, I know a few of you are. Remember campers, there is no "self" we are all interdependent on each other, I am you and you are me and we are all together.

Oh Yeah, I forgot this, 47 years ago on Febuary 7th a dark haired future member of AA was born, he became the blogger known as Wolfie185. I am going to take Mich and Angel out to eat for my birthday, Matt will not go because of the Super Bowl, I haven't watched a Super Bowl in over 20 years so I doesn't bother me to miss this one.
Peace Love and Light
Scott

Be Bopping on the Prairie

Hey all and hope everyone is doing well and life is going as well as it can.

Carter is doing well. He had minor surgery to repair a heart murmur on Saturday, they went through the side and didn't have to do open heart surgery. The surgery had something to do with blood oxygen levels. I went down and saw him last week. I reached in the incubator for the first time and stroked his head and arm. Mich has a small cold and isn't allowed to hold him still but she is alright with that. She is very optimistic about his care, she trust the doctor's and nurse's to know what they are doing. She is much more stable in this than Matt and is overall taking being there pretty well. Angel has been there with them and I am sure this helps, Angel keeps Mich busy and takes the focus off of Carter all the time. Angel is doing well, she was glad to see grandpa. When I left she waved bye bye to Mich and blew her a kiss cause she was ready to leave with me, maybe next week. I have a mixed up schedule this week so I can't have her, next week I have a couple of days off in a row so I can get her then.

Lady B and I went out to eat on Saturday night and then to the wedding reception for my nephew. She told me and also texted me that she had a good time and really enjoyed spending time with me. I asked her if she wanted to go out again when I was in town and she said yes. I am trying not to second guess what is going on too much but we have a 2 way relationship and she is open about wanting to date and also interested in summer events and being a part of them. On the drive to and from the reception she opened up about some of her past, where her addiction took her and I told her more about what I did, not 4th step stuff mind you, just honest sharing about ourselves. She is easy to talk to and likes to talk which helps me out, since I have a hard time with small talk.

I drove back to Lincoln Sunday morning, I had plenty of time before I had to be at work so I took a 2 lane prairie highway instead of the interstate. I just felt like taking it easy on the way home, setting the cruise control on 60mph, instead of the 75mph of the interstate, also I didn't feel like the hassle of the semi's and heavier traffic. The highway I took added about 20 minutes to the trip and maybe 25 extra miles.

The old highway I took runs through towns which average under 500 people, with the exception of 3 towns that are over 1000 people. The highway runs through the heart of farm country, fields, pastures, farm houses, barns and steel grain bins, along with cattle and horses are the sights you see. Most of the old 2 story white farm house with enclosed screen porches are gone now, they have been replaced with more modern brick homes but you still see a few. The old houses were poorly insulated and the window weren't the best either, so I am sure that instead of spend thousands of dollars to fix these up, people just tore them down and built new. I love old farm houses, my dream is to one day own one, the inside were designed for simple living by simple people, big kitchens for cooking and feeding people, functional living rooms, bedrooms and bathrooms, no family room because the family sat in the living room or in dining room, bathrooms were made for getting your business done, get in, get out, not spending hours in them.

A lot of the new farms still have the old 2 story barns, various buildings and steel grain bins on them. The original purpose of these building is gone for the most part, they tend to be storage buildings and a place to put farm implements. The smaller buildings at one time housed hogs and chickens. Not too many people raise either any more, it has become cheaper to buy, chicken, eggs and pork from big national grocery stores than feed and butcher and process your own. I think people don't want to take the time to gather eggs twice a day anymore either. To me chickens are a great asset to living in the country, fresh eggs are awesome plus chickens are God's own pesticide, chickens eat a lot of bugs, they also make great garbage disposals, they will eat most food scraps and love vegetable and fruit byproducts.

The story of the old two story barn goes like this. The top level was used to store bails of hay or straw. The bottom level had a place to store grain for feed and also stalls for cows or horses. Milking a cow is a rare thing with modern farmers, once again it is cheaper and easier to buy milk in a store. A cow has to be milked twice a day, then the milk is separated from the cream and pasteurized but not always. We never pasteurized our milk, the cream was skimmed off the top with a spoon, this was real whole milk because you still had cream in it. You also have to strain the milk through a filter to remove dirt and stuff. This was all done by hand. Dairy farmers do all this by automation today, they have machines that milk the cows, the milk goes into other machines that separate the cream from the milk and then pasteurize it. If the barns are use for cattle today is because either there are kids in 4H who show them at county fairs or they are fed for butchering at a local meat processing place. Horses in this part of the state aren't that common any more either. They have been replaced by motorized 4 wheel all terrain vehicles and 4 wheel drive pickups. The north and northwestern part of the state still has lots of horses because there are more ranches, the ground isn't good for raising corn or soybeans. In this part of state is where you find real cowboys and not wanta be cowboys. Real cowboys and cowgirls are some tough people, their work doesn't stop because the weather is too cold or too hot, working with cattle can be hard work and their strength proves it. Real cowboys and cowgirls also raise a lot of hay which requires man handling as well. If you read admiration in this then you are right.

I don't mean to belittle modern farmers. I have a lot of respect for them and what they do, it is hard work even with all the modern equipment they have at their disposal. I was just writing about the contrast from the farming I was around as a young kid and what it has become today. I still have a fondness for taking a relaxing drive along a highway that takes me to a simpler life style. I still love seeing cattle and horses in pastures. I still make a mental note of who is raising hogs and chickens, it is in my blood and yeah I am proud of it.

I hope you enjoyed this little journey down the back roads of my home land and my memories.

Peace Love and Light to all!!
Scott